Gwenivere

Predicting the same here, Kay. We have a generator. Plus it has be hauled into carport from the garage. I wouldn't have clue how to get it running and his system of extention cords he ran thru the house to keep the basics going. I never lived in fear of power going out til he left. I don't like messing with gasoline also. That was a 'dad' job.

That is perfect, Steve! Absolutely no one would get it outside of here, but that is the perfect phrasing! I'm going to steal that and use it when people ask. They will assume I am newly married tho after the death. Hmmmmm.....oh well, confusing people is always a little decadent.

Just getting sick with anything is tough alone. I've been to the ER in the past 2 years more than I can count. Being physically compromised just adds to the loneliness and grief. Karen, 2 weeks us a very long time to be as sick as you describe. I hope you can get youself to a doctor because it does sound like it could be very serious. I don't know if you have anyone that can help you. I never have and it's hard. I've long given up on not being emotional when I have sought help. In fact I always tell them I am a widow and this is hard for me to do. Some shrug it off, others have been very kind. The goal is to get the help we need. Maybe an ugent card clinic because an ER is hours of commitment. Only you can decide. But 2 weeks is not good.

I know this is the hardest part of it for me. I don't do close to what you do, Brad, or have any family to spend time with, but day to day things I see and experience I have no one to share them with anymore but brief mention maybe to a neighbor. It's not the same. I see, hear and read all kinds of things we would be discussing. Some ongoing like the presidential campaign and it's so hard to live in this silence with only my thoughts. I miss his experiences and view of life too. I get out for various things, but ive never spent so much time alone and it is almost torture sometimes. We have a very nice home, everything we wanted by remodeling thru the years and it's appearance is nice. It's feel is like a very nice prison to me tho. A very large solitary confinement. I wondered how people kept themselves sane in such circumstances and am finding that a trial in my larger 'cell'. The TV just screams at me about life going on now. It was rarely on before but I hate the silence. It's a Catch 22. When Steve travelled it was kinda fun, just me and the dogs for girls nights. But I always knew he would be back. Everything is so hard to adapt to. Meals are really tough. I eat to survive now, there is no ceremony in it. I make the easiest and probably not healthful things because it is just fuel now. Something I have to do that I used to look forward to. I've discovered the true meaning of loneliness and that was never a goal of mine.

Cookie, I started on Paxil and hated it. It had so many side effects for me including panic attacks (which I am prone to). I switched to Celexa which was much kinder. I also tried Lexapro but it made me feel dead inside so I went back to C. Since you are just looking for opinions, I would avoid Paxil. All these meds take weeks to adjust to and feel any results. A Google search will also show threads of people who tried them all and C and L seem to be the choice as they came afterward and were modified to lessen side effects. It also depends on what you are seeking relief from. Depression, anxiety, sleep problems, muddled thinking, etc.. A good doctor should be made aware of what your goal is. Also, they are no magic bullets. Just tools we have available to maybe help. Some think they will fix everything and nothing does that. They will not stop the pain of grief. That is one thing not even chemistry can touch. like Marg, I've found sedatives more helpful there when I go off the rails. Anxiety can really snowball and while antidepressants can help, they can't give that immediate break we sometimes need to just stop the racing thoughts from escalating. All my opinion, of course.

Missed Pattys AND Kays birthdays. Bad me! Wishes for you both that they are kind days to you.

Oh, I sooooo agree with you, Gin. I had the phone company here once for over 2 hours and once they told me they had fixed the problem. I picked up the phone and it wasn't. These are the kind of things Steve would have handled and much more patiently than me. I don't know if it because guys usually like these kind of challenges or what, but they drive me nuts. I admit I grew dependent on him for this. Give me running down sales or cleaning the house any day! Feminism be damned, I don't want to be Ms. Fix It!

Joyce is also in Florida and in the possible path. I heard from her yesterday about possible evacuating. Hoping all our friends in Florida and anywhere this monster storm hits stay safe.

I've had my share of dreams about Steve, both good and bad. I always wake up feeling worse. Odd as this sounds I've asked him to not come there anymore. It's just too hard as it is knowing he is gone to have an added emotional boost to that.

Awesome, Kat. People don't know how those once little things are star worthy!

I'm with you on this, Kay. There are times I do get down thinking of dying alone, but hopefully I'll be do out if it, it won't matter. A friend tells me Steve may show up to help me. Who knows. Living alone and getting older is a big concern. Eventually we both would have reached a point that we probably wouldn't be much help to each other, but it still would be great to go thru these stages together. I cannot even fathom 90 or even 80 with my genetic disposition. Working at the nursing home many things I never considered happening I am much more aware of now. Much different perspective of the widows/widowers with serious health issues at 61 than I had at 38 when I started there. Plus even being in a place like that. It's really nice, but giving up your home and pets, adhering to thier schedule of meals, lack of privacy must be hard. Steve escaped that fate and I hope I do too. You're still alone even with all the people.

The world already judges us as weak when we suffer deeper than it understands. We can't do that to ourselves because we know how deeply this cuts thru our hearts and will forever. I hope you will feel a little better with the med change and knowing you are like all of us. Forever changed, strong even he we are crawling along as best we can and getting over the loss is not what happens. Best we can hope for is to adapt to our new selves. 20 months is not very long tho it feels forever. I'm at 23 and still aching inside. you took care of you, that is the farthest thing from weak there is.

Gin, antidepressants are difficult to adjust to. It takes weeks to get thru side effects. When I first started I had Steve here. This time I don't so I'm kinda lost knowing the facts about these meds but being alone going thru them. There were times I wondered if I needed them at all way back when. They were just the new fangled thing to do sold to the docs. im sure if you talked to your doc or a pharmacist or googled your med, you would see that feeling odd is the norm. Only you can decide if you want to make the investment depending on your level of depression.

Thanks Kay. It was a little more complicated than what I could write here, but I was truly surprised that because of my compromised thinking that it was looked upon that I was abusing reaching out for help. Something I will definitely be talking to my counselor about today. The clinic has changed a lot since they got absorbed by a large hospital that looks at things differently than when is was a homey, cozy place that it was. That's a big adjustment for me.

That is an excellent point, Marita. I'm sorry to hear you had to thru hell changing meds. i don't apologize anymore either. If anything I remind people as they so easily forget just how overwhelming it is. We are tough, but not in the way that is understood. To get out of bed, dressed and deal with the world takes tremendous strength. People saw us do that all the time before. It's hard for them to fathom that is now a major accomplishment. Shopping, cooking, cleaning? These are things we do now because we have to. It's a lot of work to take care of ourselves now. I took Paxil once and we didn't like each other. I'm trying up Celexa and it's a challenge. Never tried Ativan, I use Xanax. I don't worry about 'addiction' because of my panic disorder. I'd rather be addicted to them than the fear. Our experiences may be different, but the goal is the same....survival.

Marg, this is my primary care doc. It was suggested once to see a shrink as they know thier meds, but are often short on counseling. My doc knows his stuff on both issues. It's just hard when you are extra sensitive to the slightest comments much less direct criticism.

Thank you Marita. You are a very compassionate person with all you are going thru yourself.

I haven't written much because I am still in this crazy med change. Back on the old antidepressants but at a higher dose. I have to remind myself of that daily because otherwise I would think something was seriously wrong with my brain. i saw my doc last Friday and it was not the feel good visit I was used to. Either I was frustrating for him or he had the first bad day I've seen in 26 years. Many things were said that surprised and hurt me. I thought about the whole situation and realized he has not experienced one significant loss in his life. He has his parents, siblings, spouse, kids and grandkids. He also has not dealt with depression himself and the meds he prescribes. He said I didn't give the new meds a decent trial as I had said I didn't want to live without Steve before. I told him this was different, I was truly suicidal on them. My hope is we will get back on track when I see him again. It added to the abandonment issues we deal with as it is tho. I am struggling to get out and do my usual routines but gun shy to contact his office for support as I was 'using up the nurses time' during the trial. I thought wanting to die was pretty good reason to call. This shows me how sensitive we are as well as vulnerable. How we long to be strong, but often it's just not in our arsenal right now. How we do only have ourselves to fall back on if we have no close friends or family. And even then we are still alone at the end of the day. I managed to accomplish what I planned for today, but that insipid sinking feeling hit me coming home. I used to love coming home. A home that was a life shared. Also, the above would not have ever happened with my doc and this med mess! Sometimes things are just too twistedly ironic.

I feel the same what, Cookie. In fact, when Steve was diagnosed he convinced several friends to get tested. One did have prostate cancer. He survived. I know it was because it wasn't as severe, but being human, I do get angry at times. Especially since this guy wound up being a real hypocrite in his friendship with Steve. He took what was bequeathed to him and vanished. Steve felt he was a brother, I always knew better. I wouldn't want him to have suffered the same fate as Steve, but it does make me question the fairness as Steve was such a kind and giving person.

I've gone thru 2 anniversaries, birthdays and holidays alone now. Facing the 3rd from November thru Jaunary. I don't recall doing anything special because I knew the days would be hard. If crying counts, I do that. I agree with Mitch, it's what you feel you need and can handle. It's so hard to do 'together' days alone. Sappy as it sounds, see where your heart leads you that day. That is where you love for him is anyway. Maybe it will guide you.

I'm confused, Marg. You do or don't want to see a therapist?

I read the article and agree with it totally. Maybe that is because I have experienced different levels of thinking death was a way out. Also, Steves death is not a temporary problem as were other times. Many have felt trapped and death was an answer. I know of a couple of people that took that route. It was my self righteous judgement of them that couldn't see the undescribable pain they must have been in. Its too easy to judge another's circumstances from our own. We don't know them and what brings them to this point. Many don't have family, friends or anyone/thing that makes 'life a gift' anymore. And even if they do, we are not them. When one feels so lost, it's not a gift but a torture. If there is one lesson this horrendous grief has taught me it is compassion. Opinions about politics, taxes, Brad and Angelina getting divorced are harmless. Opinions and judgements about another persons innermost feelings is not something we can truly understand unless we know and listen to them. Validate them. Otherwise it is like saying yes, you are weak which perpetuates thier already compromised real feelings at the time. This is even more complex that trying to explain grief to those who have never experienced it. We know the frustration that is. How can we talk about someone else's state of mind so quickly and almost cold heartedly? Because we don't feel that right now? Because we were stronger and found ropes to cling to? Im sorry, but I just see too much judgement instead of compassion. That saddens me, especially here.

Thanks, Kay. Sometimes we just need to say the dark thoughts. Marty, thank you too. Gin, I just have never seen the other side of that taboo door. Always thought it was an selfish act. Now I understand how someone can get so lost.

I appreciate your thoughts, Kay, but I didn't post it for reasons to not think this. I can get that out in the world as it is not acceptable thinking. I just want to be able to say I am finding it very hard to find a reason to continue without Steve. I don't know why this hit me now, but it has and I have to deal with it. It's scary to feel never having felt it before.

I don't have any kids to think of. I have one friend and a cousin who would miss me, but hey are not local. I have S acquaintance who would take the dogs. So the conundrum is a bit more complicated.