Gwenivere

Wow, Karen. I hadn't thought about swamp coolers in forever! Had them in NM where I grew up and they were far superior to AC. Not that bone chilling cold. I always found someone to get mine going and cover for the winter. Even as a young person I hated going on the roof. They work in so few places because of humidity.

Such a well worded post, Kat, about what happened to us all. It's not the amount if time we had with them, it is the depth of it.

I know the biggest description of my grief is fear. Fear and loneliness. I thought it would be the sadness which is big too. It's just so hard losing that safety our partners provided by thier mere presence. They might not have been able to fix everything, but it human nature to want someone to turn to when things feel overwhelming. Anxiety is tough too and I think one of Martys articles said this should be a stage of the grief cycle. I've never felt so edgy constantly in my life. It's knowing I have no one I can lean on, call or melt into to not feel alone I what has become a huge world. I often feel so insignificant now.

I couldn't agree with you more, Karen. I get advised a lot to make new friends. I don't know where I am supposed to find these friends mor been able to find a place that specializes in supplying them if needed. I'm at an age where people are pretty settled into their lives, families and outside companions. I was never much for needing a lot of people and many fell away as activities I once did also like the dog park. Lost touch with a lot of people I saw for casual chats and strolls. I'm also not a 'let's do lunch or dinner' person. It's more loss piled on top of losing Steve. The house often had musicians here and that was fun to interact with them. Now that he is gone it is tremendously quiet and lonely.

That is what I do too, Kay. I know I will never remember everything I want to talk to him about and want to make the most out of the visit. I've never been told I need another apt. for multiple discussions. That is what a primary care doc is for. It's the specialists I see that are responsive only to thier area. When I have asked opinions they always say talk to the other doc. Ugh.

Marie, I hope you will find that no matter what or when you feel anything, you will find some or all of us have. It won't cure the loneliness, but, for me, it saved my sanity many times, if I dare use that word. There is nothing sane about grief. I cannot imagine the shock you feel having this be a sudden death. I had time with Steve to talk about all we knew was coming. There were no good byes tho. We could never say that. We are here for you.

One of my biggest fears is when my doc retires. After 26 years we have a very fine tuned relationship. Having had to see other doctors in emergencies has shown me that times have changed regarding time spent with patients. Like you, Kay, my doc was not intimidated by my researching treatment on my own, often encouraging it. There are many fine doctors out there. It's finding the one that you can be a team with that takes time.

It's not even a problem, Kay. Steve being loud or appreciating my cooking would bring this house back to life.

Ana, I think I can understand that being in your 30's would pose different reactions to your loss. Being widowed later in life is 'expected' or not as much of a shock to others. You are in that age group when people are starting thier families so they see a lot of time ahead if them and think that about you too. But you face what anyone feels losing thier partner and that they cannot understand. It's too far in the future for them if they even think about it all. We are all reminders at any age of people's fears of death. We now possess knowledge about how easily someone we love can be ripped away. I certainly didn't think about back then. I don't know his I would feel if I were 30 years younger and this happened except feeling really cheated by life. If we that are older are being pressured to 'get over it', I can only imagine the pressure that will be on you. You'll never be able to explain how this has so massively changed your life. That is a very tough challenge.

I got an email from a woman asking how I was doing in my 'new normal'. Normal isn't even part of my vocabulary. It's nice someone asks, but I'm learning not to say much of anything to avoid the platitudes and having to explain the unexplainable. I've tried too many times to try and make people understand that they can't understand. Even then they still try. I've gotten direct with some to outright say stop trying to fix me me or make me feel better. I can't even say I appreciate them trying anymore because they just don't get it. All it does is frustrate me. Adds to the loneliness. That is what they really don't understand.

I think the message is perfectly clear, Brad. I tried wearing Steves ring, but it is too uncomfortable because it its design. My wedding ring is never coming off tho, ever.

Sleep becomes so elusive. I wake up about 3 times before I have to, the last being the worst as my mind kicks in to thoughts of another day without Steve and what will I do with it. What will I do with the thoughts I want to share with him? What will it be like not hearing his thoughts about things going on? How I don't bother to absorb much because what will I do with observations, emotions and opinions? The very time we need sleep, it can become lost to us. I'm really seeing this now as it has persisted for such a long time. I can barely remember what a restful nights sleep is.

You are so right, George. People think we get more adjusted to being alone when it is more time we have had to miss that interaction. Definitely more adjustment. I accepted Steve was gone a long time ago. Acceptance does not mean closure as so many outsiders think. It is accepting the foreverness of this in this lifetime. I found the 2nd year crushing with the undeniable reality and finality. I'm looking at starting my 3rd and have no idea what that brings. I wish I could forget the date he died. It's not a date I want to remember. I remember every day. Milestones just enhance the personal loneliness as others have really moved on in their lives. I often hesitate saying anything now to people because 2 years seems more than sufficient to them.

I'm retired too, we both were. Unlike you weekends are my worst time as that is when we spent the most time together. Now I dread them. Funny about your cell phone. We're just so distracted and that is so hard to accept when we were so sharp and on the ball. I feel like I live in half speed or less. I have to get up and get some water? A Herculean task now!

Steve, made it thru OK. The storm here was not as bad as it was expected to be. Didn't lose power which was great. I'm really sore today from being so tense tho. I see Kay made it thru too except for her truck not starting. The coast was really ravaged here. Like a dummy I had the news on and finally went....this is crazy! All you are doing is scaring yourself!

Here is my dilemna. I have no one to go for. I didn't realize how much Steves social butterfly personality filled this place with life. Yes, I know a couple of people relishing thier lives as they are living as they always have, even complaining about how much there is to do, but all in all....I am on my own now. Volunteering helps, til I come home. A few hours of distraction a week is nothing compared to knowing you had a home with someone. I read Martys article about loneliness and solitude and have changed routines around voids. But even the changes remind me of the void because I had to make them. This is so heartbreaking for us all to start over again when we were chugging along like everyone else. Content. That is what I miss. Good, bad, crisis, excitement....we were content. I don't know if that is achievable by myself.

I put things in places I am sure I won't forget. But I often do having to do mass searches in panic. The thing I really hate is finding I did something and having no recollection I did it or thinking I did to find I haven't. It really makes you question your sanity at times. I remember Stevectelling me about putting things places for logical reasons. I did the same but the mind is so ravaged just trying to live another day, they take minimal priority if any at all. Yesterday I searched frantically for my cell phone that was on the passenger seat of my car. I must have looked at it several times and it never registered. Keys are thing I pay the most attention to now. Too easy to misplace and start that unnerving panic.

The empty house is so hard. I'm not all that thrilled being out in the world right now and it used to be I loved coming home. Now I pull in and realize that it's just as empty in there as the world feels. Sometimes I sit in my car and wonder if there is anyplace I can go. There isn't. I leave lights on (very dark here in the PNW), but it's still so cold, dark and lifeless. Even my dogs can't pull me out of the funk of it. They are happy to see me and want food. I miss the guy who was happy to see me and wanted food. At least he could hug me.

Lost, i cannot add much more to all everyone had shared except having discovered the ultimate loneliness. It is something that cannot be imagined or understood by any one who hasn't experienced it. I think that is the hardest thing we face since our lives changed. People want us to hurry thru grief, get back to being who we were and thuth is, we never will. We are changed forever by this huge loss. We look the same, but inside is a void that will never be filled. Distractions help, but that is all they are for now as we travel a path we never wanted to be on. Finding meaning again is hard. I'm still working on it at almost 2 years. Nights are very hard and missing conversation about day to day things makes life too quiet. Whatever you feel, some or all of us have. I hope you find some solace knowing this place of understanding is open 24/7.

It's about 9pm here and not too bad. Storm is moving thru faster than expected. Lots of damage in other areas around me, but they are closer to the water. My furry kids aren't thrilled about going outside either. I have go out so they will follow me. Oddly, they are more calm out there tho. It's the noise on the roof that upsets them. Still have power, Kay?

Just waiting to see what the winds bring. Haven't hit yet but am on edge. Wish my pets soothed me but they are another source of stress trying to calm them much less myself. Going to the nursing home I volunteer at and hoping the night, while maybe crazed withbwind, spares us a power outage.

As Joyce said, we are getting pummeled in Washington from this storm also. I can take rain, but wind (as our friends in the path of the hurricane know) are very scary and dangerous. I have all our power failures supplies out, but I don't know how to use the generator which was Steves job. Another hard thing is the dogs, especially one of them is so freaked out I have to sedate her and keep her in bathroom so I can sleep. I know we will all calm down once we get last this and hopefully not too many trees or limbs will come down.

Joyce is back! Yippee! Now if we would only hear from Terri. For you, Joyce...... ☔️??☀️?

The antibiotics are the healer. The others are symptom relief. I agree with the consensus. Orbit using or something similar works well and only costs about 5 bucks. Glad you got the antibiotics, Karen. Last thing you needed was it turning into pneumonia.

Don't see it happening for me either, Karen. Being in my 60's now, I've had hat I wanted and it took years to get there. As for missing them going away, I don't see how it can. I go thru wondering if it was real and then in a nanosecond I feel just how real it was. I feel like a human ping pong ball. It's not just memories, it's new triggers that keep popping up. It's been 2 years and there are still ones I didn't know about. And that video that runs? I got one too. Sometimes the remote won't respond when I push stop or pause. Most frustrating.