Gwenivere

I don't have boxes, Marg, but we have an executor named and will be paid quite nicely to dispose of belongings. With no kids or close family I foresee donations of big things like appliances and maybe clothes and books. The rest don't matter. I de cluttered what I felt was necessary the first year. I'm done. I don't even want to think about digging thru drawers and such. Steves will has been executed. Mine will be my drawings and special jewelry to a friend I grew up with. The rest just doesn't matter to anyone.

That I something I'm struggling with now at almost 2 years. There's no place I can say that but here, my doc and my counselor. I think it is because I see the enormity of this loss and the foreverness of it. The longer I am parted from him, the less interest I have looking ahead. I've watched so much change around me since he left. I look at how my whole day has changed from waking to sleep and barely recognize it beyond when the dogs need some thing as they are so routine oriented. When he was here, changes happened, but they didn't feel as much a loss. Waking up day after day knowing we are over is hitting hard now. Part is the days are too routine. There is little varience because putting 2 people together keeps the days interesting. Now I struggle to fill the hours or get bored because there is no one to share them with. I'm just babbling here. All I know is I, at this point I don't want to live like this, even tho I have a beautiful prison.....our home that was so perfect for us. I lost it after being in a store as they were playing the song Can't Get Enough of Your Love. I'm usually deaf to that stuff. Not right now.

I didn't expect to feel better at a year, but I didn't know I would feel worse. That is the reality hitting that this is forever and that is so very hard to comprehend. I'm getting close to 2 years and still struggling intensely.

Cookie, last night I had the opposite happen about remembering Steve because of several nights of very disturbing dreams. I felt if I am going to be alone, I wanted him to leave me alone in my sleep. It's kinda silly because the dreams are from me, at least that is my belief, not that he is contacting me. I love him soooooo much tho, was desperate and begged him to not be in my sleep. I need some time that I am not thinking of him as all conscious time is on some level. I'll never lose him, I have no worry about that. Some physical things may change, but at almost 2 years I still know his smell, his taste, his way with words and anacronisms. What he called his car, phrases I now use myself he created in everyday language. Things we picked up from TV shows we liked the phrasing of. Maybe some will fade as keeping them alive was our daily bantor. But one thing I do know is I feel a love for him stronger now as I would have if he lived. It's just so hard not to share it with him. As I keep finding, being in love alone is so very hard. But it continues on. There are very few things I have forgotten and remarkably something will happen and they come back. My hope is at some time they won't be so much pain, more a comfort I had a love like no other and sadly I see others around me that didn't share that kind of closeness in thier partnerships.

Kat, I do that simetimes....not post fearing it will be too dark. But Marty is right. If we can't say it here, which this was provided for, where can we turn? We already know outsiders won't get it. The one thing I try and do (and this is just me) is edit my feelings to convey the core. I tend to get bogged in details at times that are superfluous. I decide if they are necessary. I so treasure this place because I can say anything. In the real world one has to be careful as people get freaked out by the depths of this. If they don't say something useless, they can overreact thinking we will go over the edge. Sometimes going over the edge is part of it.

As Polly said, it must be one of those days/nights. Every one is hard, but some just swallow me into a pit of darkness. There is no particular trigger I can truly blame, but sometimes I just don't want to live like this anymore. The repetitive going thru the motions of this changed existence. How I've had to change so much because of his absence to fill in the hours. Knowing I will wake up to have to face it again. Will it be tolerable or torture? Butch, you are not alone. I don't have any guilt, but I do feel I am failing in this adjustment. I know Steve would not think less of me and I don't either. Some, ok many nights, I wonder how much longer I can keep doing this. Too much loneliness. My counselor said (and she lost her husband many years ago) that she can burst out in tears watching squirrels play because even they have someone.

I think it was yesterday, but my scrambled brain can't remember what forum it was in. It was about dreaming of our lost loves and how some do and some haven't. I was thinking of you, Steve, that I think said you hadn't had a dream and would take one even if was uncomfortable. I've been dreaming of my Steve for several nights and wish it would stop. I guess I am so immersed in the pain that seeing him makes getting thru the 'normal' daily grief even harder. Plus he's always so elusive. It keeps reminding me I will never touch, hold or kiss him again nor him me. For those that have good dreams that help, that is wonderful. This is an added torture I didn't need or want.

This couldn't be more true, Marg. I don't know how many times I smile a day, and maybe sometimes they are genuine. But all in all, if someone were to look into my eyes, they would know there is an emptiness there that it so obvious. I can even feel it myself looking out at the world. I feel it constantly whatever I am doing. Everything has a pall over it. There is nothing I see as I once did.

Cyndi, I don't know what your 2nd year will bring. I am at about 23 months and things did change drastically in the 2nd year as all illusion that this was a nightmare were gone. I wish I could say it gets easier, but we each adapt differently. What you will find here is a wonderful family that have experienced everything. Try not to anticipate if possible. Grief flows a natural course for each of us responding to our deep connections, memories, unique personalities and physical 'stamina'. You will read a lot about taking care of youself and that really matters. Eating when we don't care, sleeping when we can, deferring big decisions or stressful situations, the list is long. I just began having disturbing dreams too. So close to him but so far. Whatever it's is you feel is normal. Never forget that. I'm sorry you are here, but I hope you find some solace.

Congratulations, Patty! Ron too!

Right after Steve died I thought about getting the password cracked. I never did. the guys using the studio had to do that for the computer that had all thier music tracks on it. Just can't even think about that now. Bought a new computer and that will be more than enough to test my sanity getting used with a new operating system I already know I don't like. This stuff puts my head in a vice. I'd give anything for one month where something didn't go wrong. All it does is remind me of how much I miss him.

The timing of things always amazes me now, Patty. We can't control what happens to others like your counselor, and now you have to face the calendar of very important dates. I'm already seeing holidays coming and our birthdays before that. Can't change or cancel those. As I have learned more and more, much to my dismay, the loneliness has no boundary and while we are all interesting, unique and dazzling people, it works better when we are sharing that with someone but ourselves. I get tired of trying to entertain me, myself and I. Babble away. You know we are here for you. Virtual has limits for sure, but it's better than staring at a wall wondering what the hell is going on with me.

I'm still here thru the good karma of the reset button on my iPad. My laptop is going in the the hospital today and I hope to gawd it fails there. I've been having anxiety attacks about all this because this was definitely something Steve would have handled and gave me his laptop for backup. I have it, but the password he gave me is wrong. Something I always never understood as it never left the house. What a waste as I prefer sitting at my desk. Anyway, the anxiety is because of more change when we need it least or if we have to have it, no one there to help. Especially in the areas that were 'their' jobs. This is one of those times I don't want to be educated about technology, I just want it to work. Never gave a thought to what would happen if he wasn't here. We were immortal, right? Or at least didn't think about being abandoned. The med change is still challenging. My doc wanted me to increase my original med even tho I was having horrid side effects so I said no, not til I stabilize on this dose. I had some chest X-rays for another problem and that doc wanted me to come in to talk about options down the line which we already have done, so I said no. Just give me the results. I'm getting pretty good at that NO thing. It's too easy to feel we have to do everything professionals tell us without stepping back and realistically looking at what we can handle without endangering ourselves. Their job is to be the most detailed and that is OK if we were humming along like normal people. It feels weird to type normal because I haven't a clue what that means anymore! Oh yeah! A life that doesn't feel like constant chaos and problems were bumps in the road, not huge potholes or brick walls that never existed before. Thank you all for caring and being there.

Gin and Cookie, that's a tough one....how do we say to people we don't/can't handle the details? It sounds rude to say we don't want to hear about them because that would hurt. What they will hear is we don't care (which is basically true). It's a big dilemna. That is why I listen, but I do not ask questions that will prolong the details. I have my standard lines like 'sounds very busy for you all, hope you have a good time, sounds like fun for you'. If it just an email contact I can skip over it completely with little acknowledgement. I did drop 2 people in mail because they didn't even notice I hadn't replied before sending me another update. The ripple effect of grief is ever amazing. Who thought we would ever have thought this would be an issue? They just keep coming.

IMO, Polly, you can't tell them. They have no reference point. That is why I feel this is the hardest journey we will ever take. I hear about other people's wives and husbands all the time. Doesn't matter if is good or bad. Both make me miss mine. The biggest challenge is staying social for how we have changed. The hardest part is that all these people think we are still the person we were. So try telling them that person is gone. That that person is forever gone. They really don't get that. No way they can. We also can't expect them to not talk about thier lives, hard as it is to hear. It took me a long time to lose that resentment. I was on thier side of the fence once too. What I have done, or try to, is let thier voices go by me and not 'care' too much. I can't get invested in it or it will follow me and intensity the loneliness. I wasn't especially social before, but even less so now. Your group sounds like email I get from a couple of people that run down thier whole social schedules to me, of all people. I usually shoot back.....you sound very busy. What else can I say? The only people that are careful about what they say around me are other surviving spouses. One advantage of volunteering at a nursing home. They all get it. Like you, this is the only other place I know I will be understood. Thank gawd for that!

Thank you for all your replies. I'm on my 5th day transitioning back to my original med. it's hard because I am feeling like I never took it before so am going thru the side effects. Between the 2 meds I feel like my brain has been thru a blender so doing regular things takes tremendous effort. The old med lets me cry which I couldn't do on the new one. I guess that is good but the slightest thing puts me over the edge. Of course both my computer and iPad had to have problems now. I'm hoping they are fixed but it's hard to keep in mind this stuff happens not as a test but because they just do. The new med kicked down the door about obsessive death thoughts, the old one has that on my mind but not as intensely. I still feel trapped because of lack of input from the docs. I wrote an update last night and saw no one even reviewed it yet. My poor furry kids have no idea what to make of thier crazy mom. I can't help,them because I don't either. Thanks for being there, all of you!

Sparing the long details, my doctor recommended a switch from the antidepressant I was on to one he thought would be more effective for anxiety to address another physical problem that would be exacerbated treating the 2nd problem without the panic under control. it turned out a horrible failure, pushing me from thoughts of death to being obsessed with them. I had felt like not wanting to live thru this grief but had never been to the darkest place one can go about that. The ultimate frustration was in trying to get help with these thoughts and knowing this new med was wrong for me, I couldn't get any of the covering med team (my doc went on vacation) to talk directly to me. It was all done thru the nurse middle man. I am so stunned that when we truly need help from those we come to trust with our physical and mental well being that they can abandon us too. One even said she would call but didn't choosing instead to leave a message thru a nurse. Just a few minutes of her time for mental medical support would have helped so much. Now I am switching back basically on my own with little help but an email from one doc. The irony is I so wanted Steve here because it was so frightening. But had he been here, I wouldn't have the out of control anxiety and depression. It wouldn't have made the med the right one, but I wouldn't have been alone and he would have gotten so angry with the docs he probably would have called them himself. its so hard losing that protection and caring. How we looked out for each other. All of you had that too and now we find ourselves grieving and having to fight the various systems alone. It's a constant test of strength that gets exhausting.

Marita, my heart goes out to you losing your riding buddy. Most times it is my furry friends that are my greatest support system. People that aren't into animals (tho they forget we are ones too) do not understand the gift they pocess of being in the moment and unconditional caring and love they give. They don't care if we are at our best or worst, they are just there unlike the many stories here of people abandoning us. There is a give and take with them that is very pure. That you have to face this is so cruel. I wish I knew something to say that could help.

As hard as it is, I will always want to embrace thier burthdate over when we lost them. I hope memories of your happy times will help,you thru thus day.

I had a dream last night that Steve had died. In the dream he wasn't dead so I was shaken and told him about it. He said he wasn't going anywhere, held me and said go back to sleep. Then I woke up to it being true. The brain can be very cruel.

Gin, Steve was married twice before me. The first was a marriage of convenience, the 2nd he thought was love. Each lasted about 4 years. We had 33 married. He and they divorced unlike Al being a widower, but I know in my soul we were the couple that was meant to be. Even if one of his past wives died, I look back on what we have, what he told me about thier relationship as opposed to ours and know in his heart he loved me and if people are reunited, I will be with him. You said it yourself, he told you about the love he had for you being deeper and I think that is the barometer. It's not what she wants, it's what he wants. I'd say the answer was quite clear who he is waiting for.

Steve, I have to mirror Margs comment above. I know the love I feel is even more intense now and it is the waiting that is so very hard. I'm glad you both have family in your lives that help. We never had kids and what 'chosen' family we had is changed with his loss. Sadly because that is what happens as many of us have found. What I appreciate the most is your honesty to say this could take years. It gets especially lonely when the world expects you to have adjusted to its timetable. You keep feelin that loss of love, but have to keep it to yourself so much while listening to everyone's plans as thier life continues on untouched yet by a huge loss. I, myself, thought at almost 2 years I would be so much better. In little ways I am, like acceptance he is gone. But there are so many other things that I deal with daily by him not being here and the new ones that pop up. As Gin said, you are an inspiration and want you know that.

We all want to feel that way. Desperately. You have a lot coming up in your future in top of your huge loss. I hope you can keep feeling the momentum forward. But ebb and flow happens. It's being aware of that when it sucker punches us that becomes almost an art form of survival.

Ah, Marty, you always take the high road when I want to punch someone. I want to just like you when I grow up. Marg, I would normally say I can't believe someone would say that about cancer and to someone battling it! How incredibly dense can a person be? But then this new world and our new roles just keep rolling out more crazy stuff than I thought was ever possible.

It must be so hard to keep having to go back to the same church you began your life with your wife with. Death certainly changes how we view the world forever. Hoping you get some much needed rest.