Gwenivere

this 2nd year for me has been hell, too, Maryann. It's really making me question my sanity or ability tonsurvive this being existence because at 22 months I've never felt worse. It's disheartening. I didn't expect I'd be dancing in the streets, but I never dreamed I could feel so isolated and impatient with everything including the weather. It's almost like....you name it and I have a gripe. I've never been like that! Being in the house is terribly hard and I feel the same about cooking and shopping. I don't know how to be single and damn, it's really depressing realizing how little I need being alone. I was used to meals and shopping being outlets for creativity around here if not just for the purpose of experimenting. There were also so many things I bought for Steve I never ate or drank, so the hunt for sales was a part of my routine. Now I read the ads every week and are reminded of what he doesn't need. It's gotten so bad I create things to do just to fill time. Today is getting the car washed even tho is just dusty and possibly going to rain. Seems all I get are robocalls, surveys or organizations he was involved with to tell he is gone. I'm also way past that 'hey! I got out of bed so I accomplished something today!' Big deal. I got up and now it's just empty. Well, I do get to watch the world go on from the sidelines. Yippee.

Couldn't find any hugs on my tablet, but here's a few hearts! ???❤️???

Terri, I was not there when Steve died either. He was not incubated, but he was mentally gone days before his death. I don't even know if he knew I and his brother were there. When they called to tell me he had passed they asked if I wanted to come see him and I declined. After spending almost 2 weeks watching him slip away, why would I want to see his body he had finally fled? It's a decision I have absolutely no regrets about. There is already too much in my head that can't be unseen now.

I want to thank all of you that shared your thoughts on this. What a caring family we have here. To know we can say anything is a gift because these thoughts we get would not be understood out in the world amid those with no experience but tons of advice. Dont know what I would do without all of you!

I am at a place where I wonder if Steve really existed at all. Strange to say, I know. I see our home, his things and know that of course he did. I don't feel his life essence like some do. That sometimes makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. For the first year or so the love kept me going and then things started to change. I stopped crying wanting him back. I know that is not possible. I began to see how another role in my life was now gone, the one I cherished most. His wife/friend/partner. Ive had to adapt/accept to losing so many other parts of my identity. I am no ones child anymore, no ones mother, sibling, close friend or any other that matter deeply to someone else. I am caregiver to my dogs and a volunteer 3 times a week for a few hours, that's it. I never felt I wasted time unless I opted to. Now I have so much I get frustrated the amount of time I watch TV or play games on this iPad. I'm reminded weekly of all the things we used to do together or I did as the keeper of our home. Things no longer needed being alone. There are no guarantees that with extended family it will help, but I read about those who see theirs that are non dysfunctional and get that contact. A few of Steves friends maintain contact, but it's not the same without him adding new dimension to it. We talk of the past. Maybe that's it. Steve is becoming the past. Slipping away to only memories leaving emptiness as my connection to him. Marita said in another thread about reminding ourselves of the traumatic loss we have been thru. She is so right. I do that but it is less effective for solace. i read so many posts about making progress, honoring thier memory, so much I cannot relate to. Sad as it sounds, I relate more to those who are even further on this journey and still struggling. I feel for them. I see I am cut from that cloth rather than the other and think....where did my strength go? Did I use it up tending to Steve for years? My health has been slammed since he died and I have to do what I can alone. I didn't expect a cakewalk by any means, but I get so disappointed in feeling so weak when I was never that before. I indulged in an impossible thought of what it would be like if he did return. Could we ever be that same after all I went thru emotionally. I don't know know if we could. How would I wipe out 22 months of hell and the changes it created? The person I have become? It's a moot thought anyway. Thanks for the babble time. It's hard when the time gets longer and there is no one in your life real time to talk about it or you are just too drained inside that doing so seems monumental. I only have my counselor and 2 people long distance. Life was so complete until one person died. The one I mattered to 24/7.

Joyce, I now think about that too with my dogs. Gawd, does it ever end how much has changed? Anyway, I now have 2 dogs that are solely dependent on me. One is almost 12 and I have to push away thoughts of dealing with in inevitable on my own. My counselor says I am getting ahead of myself which is true, but it's human nature to anticipate the future especially after going thru the trauma we we have and finding things as 'simple' as what to do like how do I get my lawn mowed now? I can't imagine the house without them and the total silence. I miss having him here for every one of life's little challenges, much less the biggies. I got a puppy a couple months after he died and while I love her so much, I now have hat responsibility added to my health problems I didn't anticipate. I can't walk her as I did our other dogs. She's OK with it as she knows no different. But I see the limitations and feel bad I can't give her more. It's a big decision and one I made quickly. I see why it is said to wait a bit. You have to follow your heart on a decision like this and it sounds like you are.

Terri, I'm so sorry you have been dealing with the anxiety monster too. Sounds like yours has taken a hold of you like mine. Really makes trying to function incredibly hard along with the grief. A double whammy we don't need. I rely on meds all day long, but they aren't much of a match for this challenge. I have to really fight the agoraphobia now. I had it under control for so long. my mind just cannot grasp the truth about Steve being gone forever. My heart does, but the mind keeps wanting to rebel. Sometimes I wonder around wondering if he was ever real. I did what you did. I'd research everything Steve was prescribed. I always questioned his docs and hospice caretakers. Mistakes were made a couple times I caught. Once they gave him the wrong antidepressants and he was out of touch with reality. I was livid. I miss being there for him. I wish he could be here for me when I need him most. Wish Paul could be there for you too. What irony that the person who could comfort us the most is the one not here. My understanding is cats think they are superior. Gotta admire that confidence!

Mitch, I think it is human nature to be aware of dates and time passing. I think it's just how we are wired. I notice it about other things when seeing pictures or hearing the ages of former friends kids. And those are pretty benign. This loss is with us daily and even if we don't keep a daily tally, something will happen to jolt bus into how long it has been. Terri, I am going on 31 years with panic disorder. This is the biggest challenge I have ever faced and the anxiety my worst enemy. I read an article that said anxiety should be part of the grief cycle. A big part. I've only picked up more docs since Steve died. Faced dealing with them alone. But our primary care doc and the lab we shared. I usually did those alone, but there were times we hit the lab together, if only because we were close by and someone needed a blood draw or something. The thing that gets to me is now that I am facing bigger issues, I do have to do it alone. No one waiting for me in the waiting area. Always feels so odd to walk out by myself. No familiar face waiting to ask how it went. The worst part is always coming home even after shopping and there is no one to talk to. The dogs go bonkers, but they always did. Just once it would be nice to say 'I'm home!' and hear a reply.

I was the Kathy part of our team. Steve was always involved of course, but he felt I had the more down to earth decision skills. Now I have to do that and I find I am questioning everything without the confidence. I've made a few decisions that could've been better and I know it is because I think they don't matter as much or it just isn't the same satisfaction not seeing the results as a team. Basically, I just don't care most of the time. I do it because I have to and want it done and over with. I know people that have never had partners, so this is nothing to them. Sure does change when you are forced into it.

Maryann, you just went thru what I have several times. Finding how alone we are now. Every time I have been to the ER, it isn't just scary lonely (they always assume someone will be coming) but my dogs are always on my mind. I worry now, too, if something happened to me at home. With our partners there was a sense of security in scary times, there was someone who knew exactly what to do. I'm no stranger to the ER with Steve in his struggle, but I could always run home to check on the kids. He never had to worry about them. It is being helpless. It's just not right he isn't there when I need him. Don't think I will ever get used to that. I'm so tired of the new fears this keeps presenting I never had to worry about before. I don't know about you, but when he was here and sick, I was always on call and nothing ever went wrong with me. I couldn't afford to not be available. Nope, don't like it one bit either. hope you are feeling much better physically.

I just googled 'grief brain' and it was both encouraging and sad. They did validate that at this time it can feel worse because it keeps becoming more real. I'm 2 months ahead and feel the worst ever. Too long alone and missing him. What I hate is the brain fog. I never feel connected with the world anymore. There are times it seems like I do, but as soon as I get alone again I'm in a strange land. Don't know if it will ever get better. Sure doesn't feel like it. It's so tiring getting thru another day and knowing another is coming. I know my life will never go back to what it was. I think that is the hardest thing to accept. I accept Steves death easier than that, if that makes any sense.

Well, Terri, you could develop a myriad of physical problems like I have and get the thrill of seeing doctors all the time now. But I don't recommend it. They aren't exactly what I would call connection to the world socially. They always want to stay on point when I desoerately want to talk about a TV show or the Trump circus.

Polly, I know the feeling. Busy with.....what? Meaninglessness is like the roommate from hell.

I think about the internal feelings of life and death. Life was being with someone that cared about me and I mattered to at least one other person in the world. Now that that is gone, I am alive but dead. The word existence was used. That works too. i so want to care about SOMETHING, but I don't. I try. I am too used to sharing life with Steve. I see the things I/he would have cared about, but alone they mean nothing. I've never been alone before even when I lived by myself. There was always a best friend, a boyfriend, work colleagues, my parents. Some kind of connection with others of my species beyond the little blips with strangers when I am out and about. It's ironic because I treasured my alone time amid all the people. Now it's my prison. All the questions of 'what now'? That is my day. But first I have to get thru waking up. I want to go back to the oblivion of sleep, but the mind hammers me about what I already know. Another day alone no matter what I do. Heres another ironic twist. I had a dream last night we came home. I saw a car at our gate and knew it was him. It frightened me because I didn't know how I would react to actually seeing him since I have become this she'll of the person I once was. I woke before actually seeing him, but it shakes me that I was more afraid than happy about it. That used to be what I wanted more than anything and in reality still do. I am more that confused why I was so afraid.

Although I am not religious, George, you have insights that truly help. For anyone. Just wanted you to know.

Wow, Terri.....I don't know what Marg suggested would work, but I'd stop answering the phone, door and maybe even post a sign with his name that trespassing violators will be shot!

Steves and my first 5 years were good. Then a rough patch for about 10. Do it again? In order to wind up where we did,need have to. Amid the bad made us face the biggest challenges that normally tore people apart, but we won. I'm glad they are memories tho. It was a hard struggle and a gamble. Rarely do people beats the odds.

Or they lost a dog, thier parent, a close friend. All very valid yet not the same. They cannot fathom coming home night after night to utter loneliness, yet they think it can't be THAT bad. I've often thought, try it a week, a month and get back to me about it. No takers. We really scraper these preople about what can happen to them. I know many times after to speaking to someone they are thinking.....I'm sooooo glad that is not me. I know because I felt that way once too.

I don't know if to helps, Patty, but at 21 months I still feel early into it. I'm guessing not because it blows my mind that I am still feeling so many new things. The ripples never seem to stop. I sometimes feel....I can do this and then something very minor can happen and I overwhelmed again. I really do have to remind myself of the burden of grief because the longer it lasts, the less people have tolerance for it. One woman I know literally says nothing now if I mention Steve. That really hurts because I know she feels sufficient time has passed. I think you get a pass for the first year and then you are on your own. Outsiders create timetables for us. Even in the first year. 6 months was a biggie about how I should be feeling more accepting. The bad thing is these misconceptions can too root and fester. I spend a lot of time digging out the weeds they create. And as we all know, weeds are hardly and will grow despite the harshest conditions while the good stuff takes much more care.

I was the same. Life before we were together or settled down was a roadmap of adventures. Choices unlimited. If none presented themselves, I created them. I never really felt lost, just caught up in youth and all the world had to offer. Discovering myself. After decades of continuing that with him and his now disappearance, I know what lost means. Not lost like in woods thing like on a hike, lost in your own life. Our home is my Catch 22. I can't imagine not being in what we built, but everywhere I step foot, look at, touch is ours. So many things that never get used now too. Being single in a shared house is daunting. Down to pots and cooking utensils because cooking for one means quick and easy because it is just fuel now. I wouldn't know how to leave this house. I would have to move everything we had to a strange place AND know strangers we in our place, changing it. So I love it yet it is also the source of the pain. How one balances that I have yet to figure out. What was comforting in now a reminder of times past as I am certainly not building new ones with him. That book hit its final chapter. I've changed a few things, but they are so miniscule in the big picture. I deluded myself I would find solace here when he died. That is what I want to live here in what we worked so much on to make perfect, but I'm still waiting on that.

The Taco Bell pic is great. The placement of the do not enter sign is pretty funny.

I so feel for you on this, Patty. I haven't touched Steves stuff at home, but I did have a very hard time executing his will and giving his guitars, bass , mandolin and keyboards to the people he wanted to have them. Every person that got something has been so touched by having one if his babies. It makes looking at all the room in his studio just a little bit easier. I used to always help him with his work office when he moved to different ones. But I wasn't working with him, so when those things were brought to me it was tough, but not things with emotional ties for me like you or that I saw every day. I don't have any wisdom to offer and to say, as much as I can I can understand his hard this will be for you.

Ya know, Terri, I'm all for sharing.....but some things are a little TMI. . Are you, by any chance, using a tablet with predictive spelling? I know I have had to go back in and edit posts because I didn't catch mine changing a word. It's annoying! I'm supposed to be the boss of this thing!

All too common, Terri. The only people that pester me now to get together are ones that don't want to talk about the grief so I turn them down. Most of those people that said 'whatever you need at any time'? Gone. But regardless of your loss, had it not even been, that was rude to not at least contact you. This is about them, not you.

One of my hardest tasks is changing our bed sheets. I always have to tend to that unused side. We used to love new sheet day because it smelled so good. Just not the thrill it used to be.