Gwenivere

Marg, that you moved was indeed a huge step. One I could have never done. I'm still in this house we shared and sometimes, not very often, I get a flicker of comfort seeing something of his. But mostly it hurts. We all weigh what we need to do and the thought of strangers living in our home sickened me. But we weren't wanderers like you two. This house was our home in every way. I know being surrounded by boxes is awful. But you got this far, time to rest and feel the new emotions that are surfacing. One thing we can count on, no hiding from them. They will track us down.

I've had this discussion with several people that have been thru heavy duty losses. It dies flip a reality switch on. We may not have noticed we didn't have the control we thought before, but we had the life spark, if you will, to adeptly work around things and it seemed like control. One close but long distance friend told me I am now seeing them impermanence of life for the first time even tho I have experienced it numerous times. Loss if a pet, parents, job, bodily changes, etc. There were others things to fill those voids, or enough so they didn't cripple me. Plus I had a partner to weather them with and me for him. When Steve accepted his fate he had someone to express those feelings to and try to comfort as best I could. Having to face this alone now is the hardest and most eye opening, much less almost terrifying, truth. I couldn't stop the the death that was following and gaining on us, no matter what I did. There were no alternate plans if attack. It was coming and there was nothing we could do to stop it. No stealing from one account to appease another. The target was set, missiles armed and locked on him. The trigger was pulled and he was taken. So now I do see it all around me. I still work thru things that happen in day to day life, tho many times I am amazed I have the brain power for it, but eventually I get them done. But the awareness of how many there are is magnified so intensely. I choose not to watch news about catastrophes or senseless killings because they are reminders of my situation and I have become too empathetic to those left behind to live with the events. I thought I was being selfish but realized that wasn't it. There is just plain nothing I can do but carry more knowledge of pain. I happened to read an article about 'compassion overload' regarding those who volunteer to help in places that evoke so much emotion that the turn over rate was very high. People can't take being continually exposed to suffering and those that can have to erect mental boundaries to protect themselves. I'm sure that is why medical people have what we might consider sick senses if humor to release the suffering they see in their jobs to be able to be there for the next person in need they may know will not make it. So I guess the overlong point I am trying to express is two fold. I have found I'm not turning into a cold person because I don't allow others tales of woe when I wander the world of the living penetrate much. I just have nothing to give them and see they are awakening to this reality they never knew. The second point is life is now forever changed for reasons even beyond the loss of our partners. I will never be the same and for a time I was waiting for a big part of me to be that person again. But I never will be. I understand more more now why people float out of my life because they are tired of waiting for her. I see the world differently now and cannot go back, much as I would like to as I miss my old persona. I miss her even dealing with myself. I want her back as much as I want Steve, but with time comes more reality. A lot isn't pretty anymore. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but I have to. Deceiving myself, intentional or not, was getting me nowhere. I hope to find different paths to contentment because the old ones are gone. Grown over so much I can't even see a hint of a trail. Hope being the key word because I don't know what that really means....yet. I know the word but the definition now elude me.

I keep asking myself that same question. There aren't many of them now, but when the furry kids do something funny or our fav shows are on, you can't help but miss them so much. Ah....couples. I am so aware of them now. Feel like I really stick out like other people alone I used to see. I've changed ranks. I've gotten so good at loneliness I can even tell when someone alone has someone to go home to. It's in thier aura, if you will. I even get sad hearing people talking on thier phones to thier partners. Can't forget what it was like knowing someone cared where I was and would notice if I was late.

I'd banish he word punishment. Just like betrayal, doubt and guilt. These are the emotions that can get a strangle hold on us and drag us to deeper depths that do nothing but add to the misery which in itself is hard enough.

It's not convoluted, Steve. It's a mission as Kathy had a request. We didn't discuss that as it was not something important to us. So now I have this box hidden from sight. No plans, no searching for any. That is good for me because I am grieved out in so many ways.

That is a tough one and good question, Gin. Especially for those of us that have no one to turn to. Thank gawd for the phone as I have no one locally I can reach out to that would understand.

What is so cruel is there being no rhyme or reason for much of what happens to us. It is terribly cruel that you had such little time especially after committing to marriage. I'm so sorry, WK. such a happy day now forever changed. Beautiful picture.

There's so many of in this boat, I hope it can handle it. I felt the bottom drop out a couple months ago and have been struggling for a reason to keep going since. Feeling life is over is the worst feeling I've ever had. To know I will be alone to face what's left of my life is more than sobering. I'm in my 60's also so I am dealing with a failing body. The hitch is I have no motivation to take much action. So I can spend more limited time alone? It's also hard knowing that I will never be the person I was with him. I'm changing all right, but not into someone I want to be. We would have both faced increasing limitations, but having a partner instead of being basically a recluse or hermit is so hard to face every day. Not counting very brief interactions with strangers, I saw my grief counselor and one person I know for about an hour in a week. Does not even compare to being able to share your life daily. I can converse, but I am losing that quick banter we shared. I just have nothing to say anymore. And to who anyway? I lost him and now I'm losing me. It's bad enough living alone much less with the stranger I have become to myself.

Ugh, quoting is against me tonight. Anyway, Patty, you put but succinctly. The last 2 days I've dealt with phone techs wandering about the house for hours moving furniture and the inevitable came up....we need to talk to your husband of how he ran all these wires. Bam. Then it was a doc visit with a specialist who just can't factor in grief and after waiting in him for an hour spent a whole 10 minutes with me. Figured I would get a chest X-ray and blood draw out of the way while I was at the hospital but another specialist forgot to call in the orders. Had to wait again til they got them. Supposed to start a different antidepressant this weekend and am scared of switching. Trying to clean my bathroom I dropped a candle holder so glass everywhere. It all sucked, because I was alone thru it. No safety net is right. Even if I had done it alone before, I could come home and collapse into Steve to take the edge off. It takes everything out of you and there is no way to restore anymore. I miss the days when coming home was a great thing. Not just another reminder they are gone. Brutal indeed. isnt there a Cheryl Crow song that says some days you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug? I'm tired of being the bug.

I don't remember what a not feeling down day is, Marita.

You are right, only you can make the choice of what you do. I feel it is playing with fire to add to the family's grief. She said she and her husband didn't love each other, but some serious damage could be done by interjecting yourself into her family at this point adding another spear of pain. As you never physically met, you will have to consider your needs against theirs. And what would be accomplished for both of you. Does he need to know this about his wife? Would that make you feel better in some way and why? You won't be able to talk to them as a part of thier life and grief. It's hard to grieve alone, but we also have the choice not to add to others pain in hopes of lessening our own and you might find it doesn't help you and not everything you knew was factual, a side effect of online only relationships. I know you didn't ask my advice, but there have been times in my life that I knew my needs or wants would only complicate things for the worse. I know you feel this was very real, but it is not the same as a physical relationship. Grief is such a fragile thing, affects many people with families. All parties have to be considered. This is purely my take in on it and you can tell me to butt out. I can take it as it was unsolicited.

It's absolutely remarkable to me that the only time I hear the radio is to wake up from a nap I take every day. What are the odds that they would be playing a song that was special to Steve and I? Happens all the time. Well, it certainly catapults me right up. Fumble for the off switch immediately. 1 minute at most in a 24 hour day. Maybe it did that before, but he was here so it was kinda cool. I set my morning alarm to a buzzer to avoid music. Having to hide from music. Never thought I'd see that happen.

Noticeable? Really Kay.....now that is an understatement! I can't use the word here I would find much more descriptive.

Ana, I've become the most anti social person and that is not a hallmark of my personality. I had no idea what Steves loss would do to me. I haven't gone out for lunches, dinners, anything like that in almost 2 years. It's too much for me having tried gatherings and hearing about everything going on for other people. I don't begrudge them, I just cant handle knowing my life is so empty and I can't jump in and say....well, guess what I am doing as there is nothing. I miss it. I miss telling people of our plans or projects. It also takes a lot of energy to listen and react positively as people tick off how thier lives are so busy and.....lively. I'll say well, time to go, but not the whole truth. Time to go back to my emptiness and solitude. I've tried, too. I've stopped by to see people and really tried to feel some gladness for them. I don't want to resent them for living, so I've stopped that for now. I'm truly lost at what to do these days to stay connected to the living world. I do better with strangers because it is quick conversations in check out lines, nothing personal. I think it's going to hurt forever. But many tell me it doesn't stay this bad. I hope they are right. But for now, I have to live out my reality. I worry I am more comfortable in the solitude as that is not healthy in the long run. But forcing things intensifies the pain. It's a real rock and a hard spot place to be. Truly one of the most trying phases of this. Steves not the ghost around here, I am.

You nailed it, Marg. There are things I don't want to know. I've acquired more skills than I ever wanted. I had plenty of my own and combined with Steves, it worked like a well oiled machine. I had no curiosity in how he kept the computers and wifi running and he didn't delve into how the bills got paid or the coffers always filled. Shared projects were fun, but we each had our roles. No one got overwhelmed having to do everything. Now a simple thing can happen and it seems so monumental. I don't like being the 24/7 maintenance person. I miss being appreciative of his efforts and he of mine. The best were the things we did together and could pat each other on the back.

I don't know if I will ever adapt to having to do things by myself now. I couldn't tackle a car right now either or the city on my property. I have a contractor coming tomorrow to do lots of repairs on my deck, but plan to stay as uninvolved as possible. Last night my phone line developed static so loud it was almost impossible to use. Now I am stuck with a tech coming Monday to check inside the house as they ran tests outside. Have to give up a volunteer day for this. Normally Steve would meet with the guy so I could carry on as usual. Even the slightest curves can send one off the very delicate rails they are on. Altho things are very different, I have set some routines in place to keep me sane. When those are compromised I feel very out of control, lost and frightened. It's a sad way to live.

Marg, you are not alone being angry at your love for dying. If Steve can hear me, he's heard a lot of nights directed at him for doing such a thing to me. I feel he understands and if he could would be asking me for forgiveness. I feel the bigger picture is the 'veil' between thier world and ours. We are still in a place with things like anger, guilt, shame exist and we let matter. But it's a part of being human and Steve felt those himself. I dint know about religion, but I feel they are in a place far evolved from those emotions. They understand why we feel as we do because they dwelled here too. Actually, I think Steve would be a little hurt if I didn't love him enough to be as angry as I have gotten. They say love and hate exist together. It is indifference that shows we truly don't care. Just my take on it.

I kinda like the wraith idea as I have some mind altered neighbors and I could REALLY freak them out! I think of headstones and poor Ebenezer trying to erase his!

I saw my counselor today and we talked about the never ending connections to our loves. I told her I was addicted to Steve. Had been just about from when I met him. From our history, he was to me too and told me so. Times that should have torn anyone apart happened and we would part but it never lasted. Anyway, she said the addiction analogy was accurate and grief is the withdrawl. One thing about being an addict is it will never end. Once one, always one. It may get better, but the craving will never end. Unfortunately, we will not be presented with indulging our addiction again. No possibility of that. What an irony that a good addiction is not something we want to keep under control. I wanted mine to continue because it was actually good for me.

Thank you, Marg. Oh, and it was last year I felt that way. This year I'm just worn out on physical maladies, one after another. It's tough when your own body won't b your friend.

Yessum. Who am I to argue with Mama Bear?

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in. The stress of what you went thru as well as your husband is terrible. So many hear and understand in this sanctuary. I, too, saw many things done to my husband that I knew were draining him from 'living' what time he had left. It's so very hard and easy to look back and see what we would have done differently. But it is important to keep in mind we were not at our intellectual peak because this was so close to he heart. That is because we have the time to think now, replay it. We all did what we thought was the best, even if there were snippets of doubt. There is no time out to stop and weigh options at the time. It's a tough emotional struggle and everyone here knows and will listen. Advice IF asked for. Oh, and it's open 24/7.

Here's what docs don't get about procedures and grief.....they assume you care about whatever issue enough that it overrides the inner pain ripping you apart at the time. When I had this same small pneumothorax last year, my pulminologist called me at home and said....well, it could collapse your lung and you could die. I thought really? You mean this could end this hell I am living in and I wouldn't have to pay in karmic brownie points? Kewl!

Gin, X rays look stable. Have to do them again next week. If they haven't improved my doc is talking surgical intervention which is NOT going to happen. Docs don't take into account what we can mentally handle and that the grief plays a tremendous role in if we care or are motivated to try extremes. It's like they think I am making it up when we say I have no one to take care of the dogs or being alone for procedures is more than I can handle. I barely handled the ER for hours. Possibly 2 nights as a prisoner in the hospital? Alone? Feh.