Gwenivere

My thoughts are with you, Marg. ?

You're right Marg. There is no 'better' age. Pain isn't any easier at 30 or 60. What we have to face might be different as younger people may have to juggle kids and older have to worry about being alone as thier own bodies fail. But all in all, it's going to crush anyone who loses the love of thier life.

I have to echo Karen. She worded birthday wishes perfectly. Maybe someday that H word will apply.

Well, Marg, you could add happy feet and be a wild and crazy 'guy' like Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd were in SNL.

I'm so sorry you hurt so deeply. The year mark is a very hard one. Many of us are missing seeing our loves during daily life, but you two had so much time with your home to tend to. There are no words for days like today. Or any of them. I wish you could see him too. I wish that for all. It's so hard accepting we can't.

I'm reading all these experiences and had to really think what permissions I have come to see I need for me. Music is out for now. I do find myself smiling at certain things. Being a volunteer you can't really be glum or it defeats the purpose. My permission is what I do and feel when I am alone. What I have decided is anything I feel, do, don't do, plan or don't plan, accomplish or not is permissible. Some of this came from the 'wealth' of advice and suggestions given me by people not in my situation but thinking they had answers I hadn't considered. I found myself getting angrier each time I was told something by someone who hadn't a clue. So I got tired of being angry, made it clear to everyone to not even cross the line of advice unless asked (and that is regarding day to day things like how to find a gardener, not how to deal with gut wrenching loneliness) and maintain those boundaries. I caught myself defending my reasons on a choice to a person Sunday again and it so annoyed me that I felt that need. I should have said.....thanks, but no input is needed, I already made my decision. This is clearly a thought provoking topic because of how many directions permission can go. I even give myself permission to not like things I used to, even if they would 'honor' Steve, because I am not the same without him. I give myself permission to be who I am now, and that is someone I don't even know yet. A big permission I give myself is telling other people who are waiting for me to get back 'normal' is saying.....give up your waiting because she isn't coming back. Some will stay. Some will go. Some may come to understand it someday. I haven't the energy or ability to keep trying to educate others about something you have to be in to understand the changes it brings.

Patty, I think you nailed it. People don't understand the intense pain this is and the feeling that if something befell us and we died, we'd be OK with that. I certainly feel that way. I've been thru the suicidal phase and sometimes it comes back. Now I just know that life will be so forever altered, that if I were taken from it, I am much more OK about it. I am looking at is getting older , more limited and the time I thought he and I would have matching walkers but still each other, the journey solo has no appeal. There are those that have interests and family that keep them going. I haven't found the interests and have no family. It's one of those topics I am very careful about talking to anyone about. Only with my counselor can I be completely honest about it feeling OK to die. That whatever fear I had of it before is partially there (survival instinct), but more so an it's not a thing I would fight for with massive medical care as Steve did because I was still here. I just filled out forms for EMTs so they know not to do anything that would leave me in a disabled state. We all have our wishes and if I can't live in my own house, take care of myself or have to give up my dogs, I don't want that. I have volunteered at a nursing home for 22 years and I don't want that to be where I end up. Watching TV and doing jigsaw puzzles waiting for meals which are the highlight of the day is soooooo not me. I lost him. If I had to lose our home......I can't even fathom it.

The circular questions are my 'downfall' too. I already know there aren't answers in this life and maybe not ever. Yet, I still get caught in them. The mind is so stubborn wanting to make sense if all this even when it is repeatedly shown it cannot be done. What is hat old analogy of insanity? Something like how many times do you keep walking into the wall before you get you cant go thru it.

Marg, I could have written this myself, down to the 2 separations. First was in the very early years and short lived. Second was later and lasted almost 2 years. But even thru those times we could not stay away from each other, even if it was just by phone. He had convinced the 2nd time it was for real, but when it came down to making it official, HE couldn't do it. That was 1995 and since that time til his death we were closer than we had ever been. That is when we discovered not only the intensity of love but being best friends. Looking back most couples would have thrown in the towel. I had even come to accept it. I had asked him to leave as he seemed so unhappy around me. He told me when we got back together that yeah, he had some fun, but it never felt right. He always called me if something bad happened. He broke his arm and was heartbroken I didn't rush to his side, I had to remind him he served me with divorce papers so he had to learn to live without me. Already too long a story, but it was when I agreed to sign the papers he said this was all wrong. That it was never me, it was something inside him he aimed at me. All I know was staring into that abyss changed us for the better and we were as bonded as 2 people could get. We got to experience life without each other and found we were 'meant to be'. Losing my best friend is sometimes harder than losing my husband. We were that intertwined down to the core.

When Steve was undergoing chemo, he developed chemo brain. His thinking was compromised no it was very frustrating got him. Im convinced there is an equivalent. Grief brain. Every day I find I can't concentrate, perpetually almost putting my keys in the fridge when I grab a bottle of water when I get home. Do things I cannot for the life of me remember doing. If I get into a deep emotional discussion about him I always have a stress headache after. I can be sitting as comfortable as I can and fall into a pit of despair in a nanosecond. I've found myself watching a show I really like and realize I zoned out minutes before and remember nothing I saw. I've given up novels for magazines because articles are shorter. I wake up most days not knowing what day it is. I miss the pleasure of eating or a hot shower. Everything is a chore. Burned out lightbulb? Fill the dogs water bowl? Water the plants? ACK! People tell me thier plans for the evening or weekends and I forget what that was like. Shopping is hard because I need so little as a single person. I'm restless all the time and often wander around the house and I don't even know why. Going to bed is always a gamble. Will I cry myself to sleep or catch a break and drift off without fanfare? The list goes on and on. I may not have gotten those horrid transfusions, but I might as well have an IV in my heart that is poison too.

Ive been thru that anger at people going on with life. It's so normal. I try and remind myself I was doing that when there were people suffering I didn't know about. I purposely did not put things as a shrine because I knew that would tear me to pieces to see easily. I left his things where they were except medical supplies, which got bagged and thrown out right away, as i knew just walking anywhere in our home there he would be and that was hard enough. I put his ashes out of sight. I don't want to ever see them as they only bring pain. I am over 20 months in and still want to give up. You're not a burden, you are another of us in unimaginable pain. We all lost those that made our lives filled with life. You can't rip away half of yourself and have anything feel right. We adapt, but we are adapting to changes we never wanted, agreed to or had a choice about. Your loss is so new. I haven't figured out the 'being gentle with yourself' thing others have. The best I can do is remind myself I have the biggest reason in the world to feel so sad and lonely.

I feel selfish emotions are part of the grief package. It's hard to be living in a world that is carrying on as it always did when we are left behind looking in from the outside. I've even felt so selfish to want Steve back so I can take care of him again. I don't know if I will ever adjust to the knowledge I will never see him again in this life. Intense pain is not groundwork for rational thinking.

You are so right, George. For those of us that have at least one person to call in the dark times, they are gems for help in so many ways. Help us out or just listen. It's hard in the middle of the night tho. Being alone is so immensely intensified.

I agree, Marg. I think once we are free of these bodies that negativity, judgement, etc. we are freed of too. I can't imagine that Steve would have any bad feeling about anything I do being left behind in horrid grief. If anything, I think he would be more concerned I have to feel this because of him and there is nothing he can do about it.

I'm all for it Marty! It's just so frustrating not to let someone know they were heard without having to post it every single time.

I saw the numbers by members names, but the only one I understood was the number of posts they made. What's next? Someone who posts too much should be restrained? I'm really trying to wrap my mind around someone feeling upset that maybe they didn't get enough likes amd someone else did. Like Terri said, I could go thru a thread and see much of what I would have said already was. Maybe I would add more later, maybe not. I am annoyed the ability to let someone know easily I read thier words and acknowledged them is now gone. I really nice shorthand as you said Marty. It's obvious others felt that way too, a lot of people. My logic says if you didn't like it, don't use it. But to actually be keeping score? Sounds to me that is paying more attention to that than the actual substance going on. Im sorry, but I've turned this over and over in my head and it sounds petty. I'd like to be all hearts an flowers about it, but can't. I'm still shaking my head thinking this could be misunterpreted as that seems an egotistical leap. Yes, ego. I said it and if you want to delete this, Marty, go ahead. It's the most ridiculous thing I've seen happen here. Terri, I hope you can fix your ceiling fan light. Ad problems not with the chain but the light fixture once and it was easy to replace. I say easy because Steve did it. It's hell having to take on these annoying projects now. Aren't you glad they at least make duct tape in pretty colors now?

I guess I'll kind of miss it because it saved basically replying to something I thought was well said just to say it was well said. But, as in all things, I'll adapt. That's what we are all trying to do, right? something more important than likes. ?

Thanks, Gin. Does anyone know what happened to the 'like' button?

Just did that myself, Gin. Hardest thing I did. Makes things even more real and I'm still stressed out about it weeks later. I thought he would always be there to handle things.

Karen, Washington is a no state income tax state. We have some crazy ways they cite things to make income but your situation is the weirdest I've heard!

Patty, everyone here understands. Your loss is still so raw. Luckily Marty keeps the place open 24/7. Do take care.

Karen, I grew up in ABQ, NM and lawns were not the norm. Now that I live in Seattle, I find them nice if there is upkeep, but in general a pain as I get older. We decked over a lot of it and put river rock in others. The city here can only intervene in private property if it poses a possible problem like vehicles that don't run or are leaking oil. Are you in a gated community with rules about upkeep? I hear ya on water usage. We pay a fortune despite being a water city. I remember a long time ago watering with hose sprinkles and how our rates soared!

I wish people talked to me more about Steve. I'm not really close to anyone locally, but enough so that they could inquire. I long ago stopped bringing him up because people would go silent. I find myself including him in anecdotes now when conversing. Someone needs to talk about him! If no one else will, I'll do it.

Thank you, Joyce. I know every one of us is walking a very painful path. It waxes and wanes, but we are wandering in the dark right now not knowing where to go. If only a beach trip or things I read people are doing were possible for me. I admire they can do it. It's hard not to have any family or local friends and go thru this with. Where's Marypoppins when you need her?

Wow, isn't that the crux of it? We knew how to be in their lives. How do we learn how to live without them? In my 2nd year, things have gotten so much worse I honestly think I'm losing my mind. I reread all the articles I saved about this for reassurance but still I feel there is something wrong with me. That is the brain trying desperately trying to make sense if this. How did I so (now looking back) get so much done the first year while grieving? What changed? I know the answers but my mind rejects them. I walked thru that reality door that this is forever. I'm not just living in the moment of grief but see the future and he's not in any of it. I know that updating my will was a huge trigger. Making plans for my dogs if something happen to me. Getting forms for EMTs if I need help and my wishes. I now feel vulnerable in a way I never have. It's all on me now. Nope, I don't know how to be his widow. Or maybe I do and I just plain old dont want to, but there is no option in that. I feel like I don't know what grief work is anymore because I am just paralyzed in this fear and can't find even a little place to hide from it. I also don't know this new me. Or who I will be. It's a limbo now. I know I will never be the same and unlike some feel, there will be anything good that comes from this. Some big discovery I will make about myself. That's not my goal. It is being able to live in this knowledge and maybe, fir a change, not dread waking up to another day without him. Something that simple.