Gwenivere

There are some things that aren't choices. This is one. You may be right, Mitch, maybe it is temperament. But my temperment was just dandy til this happened. That is why I don't even recognize myself. I didn't even know about this part of me. I'm not sure it even existed before. I was talking with my counselor this week and she interlocked her fingers between the first and second knuckles saying many relationships are tight in an interdependent ways. Then she locked both hands tightly together saying others are intensely intermeshed....a you and me against the world. Those are the hardest to lose. I felt something similar to this when I lost a best friend of decades and that was not even to death. It haunted me for years. I look at this loss and go.....sh*t! I couldn't reach out to restore it as was an option with her. All I can do is deal with my so called life as it is now. Looking down the road I am blind. A book on grief I am reading says we find ourselves waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting......and not knowing for what. Steve and I were not waiting. We just took each day as it came and for the most part, they were good days. The farthest we looked down the road was what we were going to do tomorrow.

Gin, so sorry about your grandson. Way too young to have to be plagued by medical issues.

Terri, I went to the bank thinking I should remove Steves name from our accounts. They told me they could do that, but I would have to get all new accounts and numbers. I do all banking and bills online. The service rep was very caring and said it wasn't necessary. So in one small way, I got to keep him. I really didn't want new checks with just my name, I have enough of that in all other areas. I did the car insurance thing and got a measly credit too. I don't think I changed our city services amounts because they just withdraw the money from our account. Some things just don't matter legally and having been thru probate and what I had to do, that was enough. One small but not to me thing I did was renew our Time magazine subscription in my name. Should have left that in his.

Mitch, I think your post and its thoughts are beautifully written and a wonderful way to try and look at our loss. It doesn't work for me tho. Neither do inspirational quotes or pictures. This is a time of such trauma realizing I am now and will be alone for the rest of my life as far as a life partner, that thinking of the times we had gives me no solace. I can talk about him to others and perhaps smile a bit, but when it comes to being alone, any memory, good or bad, is just searing pain right now. I don't feel a presence because of the memories. I just feel and see a vast void that looks impossible to even slightly fill. Of course I am thrilled he was a part of my life. He helped make me who I am because of our history. But he isn't here now. That is my reality. I often try not to think of times we had because of the pain. There are times I wish I could forget about him just to have some freedom from the pain for a short bit. All our reactions are valid and I'm happy that many find solace in thier memories. For me right now, the few people I talk to that let me feel that pain are invaluable. They are helping me feel sane considering the insanity my mind sees this as. That I have a darned good reason to see life right now as an anchor dragging me down. The only thing I have posted in my office is a picture of Snoopy saying.....as soon as I get up I see I am in over my head. Used to be a humorous thing I felt about life in general, now a much different meaning.

Well, Marg, you could consider this a huge bathroom and we've all written your name all over it. Just need your phone number to add to the traditional saying.....if you want a good time....call Marg at.....

My mother died in December of 1990. I don't know when it happened, but it stopped being a day I remembered. This time around is gonna be tougher. She wasn't my chosen life partner and involved in my daily life. I don't know why today is hitting me so hard about Steve and his death more so than usual. I have been sick and worn down by other things that came up I wasn't expecting like redoing my will to take him out as my next of kin. Just to vulnerable this time around. Also acutely aware of no friends or family locally so I feel like a non person watching the world carry on. Haven't cried in a long time, think that will change as the day progresses.

Yeah, like we got an illness and are taking too long to get over it. Inconvenience for them, hell for us. But as so many have wisely said, you can't know how it feels til it happens to you. I remind myself that every single day. Actually, I dont need a reminder. It's there waiting for me as soon as I wake up.

I agree with you, Terri. James Garner all the way! Some guys are just class acts no matter what.

I'm still at half. Your right, Kat, I wake everyday day wondering how to try. More importantly, do I want to. Im usually not aware of dates, but today is 21 months Steve has been gone. Ive tried to erase the date 29 from my head. It does nothing but remind me of the loss. I prefer his birthday or our anniversary.

And the third, fourth, fifth........ we know our lives will never be the same.

Karen, so sorry about your daughter and today. ?

I can only speak for me, Patty, but I live under boulders of loneliness. Just when I think it can't get worse, simething will add another one. I find it most disparaging, so was reluctant to say anything. Mine was odd, tho. It didn't really start hitting so relentlessly til after the first year and at almost 21 months I'm getting worried about how consuming it is. Some makes sense. It is more time alone that has built up. I do things (not as much as I used to because of the loss and years of habitual sharing), but the voids are monumental at times. I've tried filling them with other things, but they don't feel right yet and I may have to tweak those if I can think of something else. It's so hard trying to create new routines when you were so satisfied with what you had. Everything else pales in comparison. It's flat, devoid of color, strange and out of place. There were so many things that went neglected when he was sick. I had a laundry list of projects. Now they are done and I sit and wonder, what the hell do I do now? I'd ask him because he always had ideas so I could do the legwork and he would oversee the project. Monster is a perfect description. Of all the things I feel, the loneliness is by far the worst. I've been watching the political campaigns and I just know we would be talking about this so much. I even get slammed after watching a show we loved because there is no one to discuss it with or go WOW! Never saw that coming. It's an insidious thing that creeps in and starts to coil around me like a boa constrictor. Sometimes it naps a bit and I can breathe. But for the most part, it's smothering. The days used to flow by, now they drag mercilessly. And yet outsiders still think that all this time means I should be getting used to it. That makes it hard too. A subject not talked about much now so that adds to the loneliness. I don't know what they think I do all night by myself. But....I am used to it. Yeah, right. Not.

You can scream here, Patty, but you need to switch to all caps. seriously tho, when those times come where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong, it's hard to maintain any sense of rationality. And you know what? We don't have to!

I wish I could feel that, Kay. I don't feel Steve with me at all. That is what is tearing me apart.

That is awesome news! I am so happy for you. A move is daunting, but your renewed energy shines thru in your words.

I find the dream thing weird because I used to dream about things and Steve. I'm hitting 21 months and all have vanished. I know what you mean about seeing them, tho, but not in an interactive way, so to speak. When I saw Steve he was always so far away, I couldn't get to him thru a crowd or he would disappear from where I saw him. Even a dream of a pizza delivery would be nice. . Yum!

Wow, Karen, I don't even watch horror movie trailers because they freak me out. You say you have lived with this? I don't know how you do it.

Kat, I think many docs often look at this that because our bodies are not failing (but they are in many ways by the reactions to grief), that we just have to buck up thru it. It's cruel when help is withheld or restricted. The Catch 22 is this is dealing with the people that could really help us physically and don't get it. Seems many will hand out antidepressants or stuff for your stomach if eating is hard, but if you need something just to relax and give your body a rest then you face obstacles. In my parents day it was a good stiff drink. Don't want to go down that road, tho I do have wine and feel that calming. I am fortunate as my doc says this is what these meds are made for and to use them. It's kinda like some have this view that pain killers are great, but why use them? The injury will heal.....eventually. I do think we have abusers to thank for the obstacles.

As has been pointed out many times, we are reminders of something that no one wants to exist. People with thier partners don't want to think it could happen to them. It's almost a form of shunning, but not because we did anything wrong. Yet, it hurts just the same and can leave us so isolated. It's awkward for people to ask how we are doing and just let us speak without trying to fix it. Many get tired of the changes they see in us and become impatient not realizing we will never go back to the person they once knew. Life has always been about change. Good change, you have cheerleaders around you. Bad change, that's a crapshoot as many of us have found. People I thought would be there aren't and people I would never have thought of are. Sometimes. We still come home alone. I like the idea of stillness. I just never know if it will help or make me focus too much on dark thoughts if I am in that frame of mind. I've noticed an odd thing lately too. I don't dream anything I ever remember now. It's a bit disconcerting. Be they silly or haunting, it's weird to have no memory of anything but going to sleep and waking. But 'they' say we only have room for so much info and stimulation, maybe just getting thru the day uses that up. It feels like being in a dead zone tho. I miss them.

Marg, I have to take meds all day because my panic is a disorder I've lived with for almost 30 years now. If I didn't have Xanax I would have checked out a long time ago. It's impossible to live in that kind of fear day after day. I haven't been taking enough for this 'in the face' reality phase that I will never see Steve again. All I do is hurt myself by trying to tough it out. There are no medals for not using the help you need. Odd thing was I didn't need much as a caregiver for 5 years. Now that I am alone, truly alone, no close friends and no family, fear of facing life without Steve is incomprehensible. I guess I have thus need to feel I am so strong. It's what people expect and coincidentally I was reading a grief book about the stigma of grief. How we putt on a mask for the world, but when we get in the car to come home or people leave after a visit we take it off and sunk like a rock. Alone in the grief once again. For all those that have never had a full blown panic attack, it is much more than being anxious or nervous. It's the most horrific fear one can feel with no obvious reason like a life or death situation. Before. I was diagnosed I was sure I was going insane. Grief is a huge trigger so they are back with a vengeance. So it's Xanax all day long to function. Matt, I don't wait til I need the meds, I use them preventatively.

I sure wish this worked for me, Kay. Being predisposed to panic attacks, even not resisting doesn't help. I can't concentrate on anything when those happen. I regret not learning some good meditation techniques before I needed them. I only know one that is very simple, but not always effective. Trying to learn now is impossible. It's a ride it out thing for me plus some meds. The worst is the morning waking to anxiety and worry. Those are the days I wish I had an OFF switch I could flick. Sure colors the rest of the day.

I know Mitch would come thru. . I knew it was called GWX and it works.

My computer was hijacked by MS and installed Windows 10 without my permission. I tried it a few days and hated it. Couldn't find any of my files. Had a heck of a time even getting to Google to load my g mail. That was about the only thing that worked as it stands alone from the operating system. I did do go back to 7 and so glad I did. Everything was still there, thank gawd. Installed a blocker I think George mentioned so I don't get pop ups about it anymore and prevents that from happening again. This was when it was free to go back. I think you have to pay now to do so. I get burned out without Steve to fix these things that I really tried to adapt, but I couldn't. It's a crappy operating system, in my opinion. It didn't even have games they always did so I would have to download them. I don't like doing downloads because of sneaky viruses. My brother in law and his daughter use it, but they are geeks. Yet they have expressed little like for it. I was amazed at how easy it was to go back tho. No hitches at all.

Beautiful picture, Patty. I know they are hard to look at because I have some too. It short circuits my brain wondering where he went and why. It was all so simple before. I look at our smiles and know ours will never be the same. Only that person could elicit that happiness in us. I, too, hope that someday I will appreciate more than feel pain about it. I see why you miss him. You both look complete.

Seems that is my life right now. A constant yearning for Steve. The only times I don't miss him is volunteering, but I miss coming home to tell him about it. I can't get him off my mind. Even times I want just for a brief break. He's the first thing I think and the last in my day. The yearning is a new phase. I always missed him, but now I want to touch him, hear his voice, look into his eyes so bad it is truly crushing sometimes. i looked up yearning and a synonym was hunger. I think that better describes my feeling. I love, but I feel I am starving without him.