Cookie

I am dealing with more grief this week. My sweet standard poodle, Ranger, who was 13 died on Saturday. I knew it was coming but that does not help. People used to say, well at least you knew the end was near and you had time about John dying of cancer. Well, it doesn't help one bit. It's still shocking, horrible and devastating. John and I got Ranger together. Ranger went down almost the same way as John, a long, slow unwinding and then suddenly he was gone. Feeling so much sorrow, wondering will I ever see the light of day again, so much loss. One foot in front of the other, I know. Heartbreak on top of heartbreak. Cookie

No, you are not crazy, maybe crazy with grief. What you say is so familiar to me and probably a lot of people on here. I too was a big reader...it's been almost 2 years (June) and I'm just getting to where I can read some. He and I used to read together in the evenings. The worst part is that most of what I used to enjoy, I don't have the heart for anymore. I have to make myself to do things, and I do. This is all really hard. I'm still going, though, and do have times of fun now. My heartfelt thoughts are with you. You are not alone....Cookie

I'm so sorry for what is happening to you. I will hold you in my thoughts and I wish you well....Cookie

Yes, Gin: It is a bit like flying by the seat of your pants. There is no way, just going through the days it seems and doing the best we can. Hugs to all.....Cookie

Mike's girl: So sorry for your loss and the shock of it. My husband had throat cancer but we thought he was clear. After 3 years, we got the news in April that it had recurred and he was dead by June, so I understand the shock thing. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel the shock of it. I wish you peace.....Cookie

I have also read all the "grief" books. At first, they gave me hope because I thought, oh this will come to an end. Now, I also feel a little hopeless. It will be 2 years in June and in some ways I hurt more than I did and still don't see a future. I really just want some peace. I still get triggered so easily by everything. Does that ever end, I wonder? I can be in neutral (my description of not feeling intense pain) and then just some little thing will have me back in intense pain. I am getting so tired of it.....I miss him so much...I can't see anything better in front of me. I am also losing my standard poodle, Ranger; he's 13 and his winding down is so much like what happened to John almost 2 years ago. It's gut wrenching. He might have a week or two left....I feel like I can barely stand to lose him. So much loss and sorrow.....Cookie

Dave: I really feel for you. I don't understand ex-spouses who are so mean-spirited. I can see how that was a distraction (actually way more of a distraction). You sound like you were doing the best you could under very stressful circumstances and had so much love for Dana. We've all got to get on top of this guilt thing...it's a killer. I think what Kayc said about the unfairness of life is so hard to deal with. It's so true. Things just aren't fair. I, too, wonder why so many good people die young or of something horrible and then you'll know a real selfish person who survives everything....maybe they need to stick around longer to learn some lessons. I don't know, but I feel for you. Take care, Cookie

Oh, Gwen: I feel like I want to "go home" too. John was my home. Yes, this is a different and very unpleasant place I too exist in now. I keep trying to make something comfortable, but haven't had any luck so far. Need a little hope.....looking for anything. It is a comfort to hear the things I myself feel said on this site; a comfort in the sense that if others in grief feel this, maybe there is hope....I'm not irrevocably lost, the only one.....Cookie

Gwen: As usual, I can relate to all you are saying. It's been 22 months for me and if anything I'm having a harder time. Wasn't prepared for this either; kept thinking it would get somewhat better. I too get really scared that I'm feeling such deep grief still and feeling like there is no end to this. My oldest dog is also winding down, the standard poodle he and I raised and loved together. Having terrible triggering memories of his death; it seems so similar. How to get out of this.....same as all of you; get up, go through the day, go to bed, start all over again. Still hoping there is light at the end of this long tunnel.....Cookie

I am going to chime in with kind of the same sentiments. I also had a great marriage with John, but I also wish I had known time would be so short (even though we were married 47 years). He had just retired and we were talking about traveling, etc. We had been pretty poor in the early years and worked hard so that we could have the time after we were done working. But now, I wish we had done that more even while we were working, just made the time and figured out how to do it instead of waiting for retirement. I guess we thought we had so many years left....he was so healthy seeming up until he was diagnosed. We did have a very rich relationship and did quite a few things together. But, that is the way you live your life isn't it? Not thinking it's going to end, but just riding the wave of joy and feeling like it will go on forever....peace to all, Cookie

Thank you all for talking to me and sharing your own special experiences about this. It is a comfort to hear from others who know what this is. I will try and let it be....Cookie

This is interesting. I wasn't prepared for it....I am now just starting to feel so much guilt when I think of when John died. I couldn't get to sleep last night wondering if I could have loved him more. It's complicated because he was very independent and wanted to do things for himself and yet vulnerable. I loved him so much and tried to take care of him, but the night he died, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and noticed he wasn't breathing real well. Now, he wore a CPAP mask because the throat cancer had restricted his breathing. I rolled over and adjusted his mask, was half asleep, and now I'm wondering if somewhere deep down I didn't check him carefully on purpose. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. and he really wasn't breathing well....taking a breath every 5 seconds or so. I pulled his mask off then and called my daughter and we proceeded to try and do CPR. He died 10 minutes later. I feel guilty because I wonder why I was doing CPR when I should have just held him and talked to him. Don't know why this is coming back with such intensity now. I guess I wish I had just held him the first time and loved on him. It's all so complex. How do you work through this stuff. It seems overwhelming at times. I know people will say, well he's gone now and in a better place. I don't know who I was in those last months and still don't. I do know I adored him. Maybe deep down I wanted it to be over for him and selfishly for myself because it was so horrible watching him suffer. Has anyone else had feelings like this? Cookie

Kayc: Good luck on your surgery and sending lots of good thoughts your way....Cookie

Thanks Froggie4635: I think you hit it right on the head...way too hard on myself. I know exactly what you are saying when you say triggers that poke at the hurt. I have been divesting myself of my husband's tools (he was a carpenter, etc. in his spare time) and boy does that poke at the hurt. It feels like someone is pulling my skin off again. I have cried but the crying doesn't seem to take the hurt away. Guess you just have to tough through this stuff. It's excruciating. I know some who get comfort from pictures, and although I like to have them to get to see him, they are so inanimate that it also hurts too, so I get your sorrow over the pictures you had enlarged. I wish you peace and offer support in just sending caring thoughts your way. Thanks again, Cookie

KarenK: So sorry for all your troubles. You definitely have a lot going on. My thoughts are with you.....hugs Cookie

I think it's become pretty typical of me these last months. I feel like crying a lot but always hold it in and when I don't feel bad about myself. I have gotten a lot of feedback that it makes people around me uncomfortable, though. And, others always say things like, you must go on (as if crying meant I wasn't), or maybe you need antidepressants (making me feel like there is some amiss if I cry). Anyway, I used to cry quite freely when my husband was alive, but now it seems like I'm trying to measure up to some strength standard or something....I don't really know.

You cannot leave!

Kayc: I'm so glad you are still here. You have given me hope on more than one occasion; I hope you don't leave. I also worry about what will happen to me in old age. We must all have that concern. It's just started happening to me; never really thought about it before. Gwen: Didn't know it had a name, but I will have days, sometimes a week where I am sadder than usual and cry very easily. It has worried me, but I'm glad to hear it happens to others just to know I'm not in what they call pathological grief(!) For some reason, when I read about that, that scared the H.....out of me. So afraid of getting stuck somewhere...I so want to get some more contentment out of life. Maybe I'm trying to hard or wanting it too bad. I am tired of grief...there, I said it......

Now I'm worried because I couldn't cry during the interview....if it's not one thing, it's another.....

Me too, Brad....safe and magical travels to you. I hope to travel before I'm done. Have an old school exchange student friend in England I would love to visit. Hopefully, I'll get there while I can still walk......

I took the survey and Erin was everything all of you said. Strange, I couldn't cry even though I could feel the tears right there in a knot. I think I've trained myself to give people what I think they want. Not that she made me feel that way; just conditioning I've been going through all these months. So, now I feel pretty sad and deflated. One thing that came from it, though, was the final realization that this is way bigger than I realized. No fix; no getting over it any time soon. This journey to future contentment may take longer than I thought. She said that her grandmother lost her grandfather and never got over it; that is what interested her in doing this study. I think it was very worthwhile and I'm glad she's doing the work; somebody needs to. Good wishes to you all....Cookie

Agreed.....

I know what you mean Marg. I am a little nervous because it seems like I put so much effort into avoiding the pain, but that is actually the reason I'm going to do this. I can feel it in my gut all the time and it hurts all the time; thought maybe I need a release.....Cookie

I'm a little worried about that too, but feel like maybe I need some more release. I have such a hard time dealing with just feeling all this. I also would like to contribute in some way to an understanding of what we are all going through. But, I don't think this is for everyone. Good to talk to you Gwenivere. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm a little anxious....Cookie

Will be doing it tomorrow morning, the 21st. Will let you all know after that.....she seems very nice, though....Cookie