Cookie

You know, I do lots of things like belong to a singing group, get-togethers with people, on and on, and I have to say that nothing seems to fill the big black hole of loss where my husband used to be. I read another article on loss that said you need to learn how to tolerate pain, anxiety, fear and loneliness. After 18 months, I'm beginning to see what that means, and I actually thought doing all these things would make me feel better. Solitude is better sometimes and sometimes it's scary to think that is all there will be.....

Boy, you definitely speak for me here. Same feelings.

It is hard to start a new life. Seems like it will take years. My husband and I were also pretty insular, especially in the last few years before he died. He was probably the most social of the two of us. He belonged to group of guys who played pool once a week, a motorcycle club, and played handball. I was so naively happy to just do things on my own and have him as my best friend. I did have friends, but really loved hanging out with him most. Now, I'm going out, doing things, but am not too invigorated by it. It just feels like going through the motions. I do have good times, but mainly am so sad and lonely without him.....Cookie

I understand all of these stories. I despair that I will ever get the sick pictures out of my mind. It's not that I don't remember the beautiful, healthy man I was married to, but when I do, I get a strong longing for him and so have to move away from the memories or I'm remembering him sick and get really sad and depressed. Do you ever come to some peace with this? I realize I am still not at peace with the loss of him and the cruel way it happened even after a year and a half. I somehow need to find that peace.....Cookie

I agree with you Brad. There seem to be mostly really good people out there. It's the same story where I live. My neighbor has been coming up to grade my road without being asked since John died. I have tried to pay him but he won't hear of it, so I volunteer with his church. He is not the only one. I believe most people have good hearts. The media is really skewed....Cookie

Don't feel foolish. I have had the exact same experience. My husband was skin and bones and I was still in denial about him dying. Of course, he was walking, talking and joking all along until he died. I also vividly remember the strong spirit in his blue eyes and that was all I saw. I have seen some videos of that time and am shocked at how obviously sick he was. It makes me so sad. I feel like maybe I would have been a little different and not acting like he still had time.....Cookie

I read this and remembered my husband saying, "I want you to live and be happy." The problem I think for me is that I actually feel pressure to live up to that and make sure I do it and I think I have been working overtime to fix this, live and be happy. That kind of request by our loved ones can backfire even though I know John really did/does want that for me. What I can't figure out is how to do what I need to do to get past this and be able to live and be happy....hugs to all, Cookie

How do you do that? I really want to, but can't just make it happen it seems....Cookie

Having the same dilemma....

Gwenivere: I think you hit the nail on the head for me. I keep wondering what it is that keeps me so sorrowful and unanchored. I think it's what you said, I don't feel that great stabilizing, anchoring love I used to have from John. I'm looking for it. I always think I'm looking for "home." That is home. That is the thing that makes you feel connected to everything, content, able to hunker down and feel peace. I really wish I could find it again, but I guess I don't have much hope. I do have a daughter, but she has a life she is trying to make and although there is great love between us, it is different than the love from my husband that just seemed to be mine and was so mutual. I am clinging to the hope that anything is possible and maybe it's around the corner again....Cookie

Sending good loving thoughts your way....Cookie

Marg: I can't read over my writing either. Hey, WD40? Who knew. That stuff is good for everything it seems. Sometimes when I bring up the positive memories, it makes me really sad and I miss him more. I don't think I've gotten to that stage where I can feel good from the memories. Does that finally happen? It sounds like it works for some of you. I mean the memories are good and I feel great affection thinking about them, but then it's like I get slapped down with sorrow. Make any sense? Good wishes to you all...Cookie

George: It is a comfort to know you aren't the only one experiencing these things. Just reading your post was helpful to me in that I too after 17 months am still plagued by those memories, and the loneliness is worse than ever. So sorry for you and all of us. I keep wondering if really will get better. I feel very despairing sometimes. I do think replacing happy memories with the bad ones is a good strategy, but it's the constant need to do this that gets exhausting. I don't know you, but I am thinking of you and will keep you in my thoughts. Thank you everyone for sharing....hugs Cookie

Sometimes the words to songs bring out emotion but I find that a lot classical music, Chopin for example, just wrenches my heart. I am in a singing group called Ubuntu. We are just people who like music, some of us can't sing like me, but as a group it is beautiful. Anyway, I can just get emotionally overwhelmed during a lot of the songs. There is some power in the melody, lyrics....something I can't name that just goes straight to that place in your heart. It is beauty that hurts....

This is a neat site because you can join and maybe go to workshops and meet the actual people....

Thanks Marty...

Gwen: You spoke so well for me again. I am so sorry that happened to you with your friend and I hate that I know just what you're talking about. The ones who go on and on about their busy lives, children and husbands....I can tolerate a little because of course I know that life goes on for others, nothing happened to them, but I'm amazed at the lack of perceptiveness about how hurtful it is to be inundated with everyone else's wonderful life and plans. I know I sound negative...but feel that way when in the presence of people like that. I need to hang out with more widows and widowers I think; trying to find them is the problem.....is there a widow/widowers web site where you can meet others?

Gwen: You so often say exactly what I have felt...this is my second year and I am definitely feeling more of everything. It's true, people really think it progressively gets better, onward and upward, which leaves me feeling very isolated and lonely. I know they don't get it. A 94-year-old woman told me, "Oh gosh, it takes at least 5 years to start feeling like you can live again." She lost her dear husband when she was in her 70s. At least she made me feel like I'm not so lost and there is hope for eased pain in time.....Cookie

Gin: Yes, John is ever present in my life too. He's not here but he's always everywhere for me. I loved that you read to your husband...

Brad: Thanks for talking about the grief/fear thing. I have also been having that for 16 months and really thought there was something wrong with me, like I have a serious anxiety disorder. It's comforting to know others experience and are still experiencing it.

I think I know what you mean Gwen. People do say there will be others, but I was thinking today how long it took for my husband and I to develop the long rich relationship we had, all the years and work, ups and downs. When I think of doing that again or it even being possible, I think I don't have enough years left in this life even if I wanted to. I am lonely, but lonely for him and all that meant. Don't know what the answer is. I know another widow who is 2 years out and she has met someone just to spend time with and is really enjoying it. I am jealous of her capacity to do that. Brad, I do yoga regularly and was in class and just started crying out of no where. I wasn't thinking of John, but for some reason everything came together to make me really feel the missing of him. Afterwards in the relaxation pose, I felt such peace. It's a wonder to me how you can be in tremendous pain at one moment and then transition to peace....I was thinking of you on that trail and the wildlife. There aren't many great colors where I am this year. I am in the mountains but we are having a severe drought. Pretty unusual for this area as we are supposed to be a rainforest. It smells like the desert out there, which actually is nice in a way because I grew up in the desert. Hope everyone is well....hugs Cookie

Marg: You are great...I love how you are able to seamlessly mix the pain of grief with funny little stories...I want the bacon dream!

SoLost: Love is love and grief is the result when you lose that love no matter what the circumstances. I feel for you and send you a hug, Cookie

Lovely, lovely picture....hugs to you, Cookie

Good for you...I know how you feel of being tired of the feelings. I get tired too but there don't seem to be many good alternatives. I do lots of things and do feel okay at times, but this is a heavy weight of sorrow that seems to go on and on....hugs, Cookie