Cookie

I wish we could all pull up chairs.....

I guess I meant I wonder if it's possible to come to some peace about it. I know that would be different for everyone. I guess it will be like living with a bad back, it hurts but you just go about your business and get through each day......

I will always miss that type of touch, I know....I can sometimes conjure up what it used to feel like to be touched by John, lasts a minute and then it's gone. Although it makes me so sad, it like the few seconds of what it used to feel like. I get hugs too from people I know and such, but it's definitely not the same as the touch from your lover, friend, special person.

Kayc: This is such a dilemma for me too. I was thinking the other day that it's been 2 1/2 years since I've kissed a man; the last time was when I kissed John's cold, stiff lips after he died. So sad to me, and, yes, it scares me to think of living the rest of my life without all the physical closeness and so missing it with that special person. How do you learn to live with it? Sadly, Cookie

Janka: Yes, the loneliness is so difficult, partly because it's a loneliness for a particular person you can never have back. I have people I hang out with, talk with, do things with, but am still paralyzed by missing John, and I don't think six years is very long considering what you lost. My heart goes out to you and all of us in this situation. I had an epiphany today...it was that what I am doing is learning to live with this but feel like I will never be at peace with it. Everyone wants to know if I'm "getting better." I gave up trying to explain.....hugs to you

Happy late birthday Kay...

Gwen and all: I totally empathize with you. It's been almost 2 1/2 years and I'm worse off than ever in the lonely department. I had so hoped it would be better, not worse. I, too, manufacture things to keep me busy and it's horrible if I'm not. The problem is that I wasn't that way before he died and now it is such a job to keep things going. I also got terrible bee stings in August so can't do yard work and that was a major way of filling the time. I really feel exhausted with all of this too. Tired of trying to just get through another day. Tired of the loneliness, which even doing things doesn't completely help because like everyone else what I'm lonely for is my love to care about me and to care about. Keep hoping time will make this better but am becoming a little hopeless about that. My thoughts are with all of you....Cookie

Marg: I understand why that is disturbing. I have dreams with John in them sometimes (night) and they usually leave me feeling quite sad and missing him more. I can't ever nap, as I always wake up feeling discombobulated. I think people think that would be comforting because it seems like he is really there, but even if he is, you can't hold onto him or get him back, which is what I struggle with. I guess we're supposed to get used to what we can and can't have now. Hugs, Cookie

On the subject of how do we get through this.....I took a part-time job at a book store in town. Nice place, nice people, but very low pay, $7.50 an hour, no breaks, had to travel a ways and a lot to learn. I have ended up quitting mostly because there were more cons than pros, money mostly, but what I learned was that truly being so immersed in something at work did take my mind off John and feelings, but then I would come home and be back in it. So, is that where we're left (or I should say I'm left)? Either busy your/myself to death and have less time to feel bad or just feel bad a lot more. I will be looking for something else to take up my time that works for me more, but this is what is so soul-numbing for me....the fear that only constant busyness will be my only relief.....scary thought

So sorry. That sounds horrible. You have a right to vent! Hoping you find a bearable solution to this...Cookie

Mitch: I certainly can relate. I feel the same way. I get so tired of taking care of everything without the comfort of my partner. It seems so punishing somehow. I'm always desperately looking for some relief in all of this...take care, Cookie

Gin: I totally relate to this. It's been 2 years and a few months for me also. Yes, I go about my life, as it is, and smile, laugh, etc., but have that black cloud over my head and in the pit of my stomach too. I will find myself crying unexpectedly now and feeling the intense grief. I do get a little hopeless at times that this will get much better. I'm guessing this is what "they" mean by it changes but never really goes away. Hugs to you...Cookie

Kevin: You're right. You must always be the engager.......I like the one contact each year idea. I've been trying to connect too much, I think. Seems like I'm throwing myself at everything and am starting to feel the stress of it. That wasn't the way I was before John died. I have to reassess. I know I do it to try and escape the pain. Moving forward also but always with that intense pain in the pit of my stomach....take care...

No, you're not mad; you said it just right.....

scba: Loved the way you expressed that the other you is gone to follow him. I relate to that. I am here; yes, I am alive in body, but my heart and soul feel something missing and feels lacking still after 2 years. Don't think the number of years is going to matter like I used to. I definitely feel like we were so enmeshed; how could you un-enmesh.....this is a weird place we all seem to inhabit. I know I want a contentedness again, but am lost as to how to find it; hoping it will find me like it did when I found him; just happened; such magic from start to finish.....peace to you also

My heart goes out to you, Gin. I have many things I second guess about John's last year. I've tried to tell myself I did my best, but I think I just want him back even if it meant going through it all again and maybe doing it better.....

Gwen: I've been thinking a lot about how long it's been since I felt, heard, touched John. It is so mind numbing and still unfathomable. You can try, but I can't imagine anyone would be able to wrap their mind around that reality, or it will scare the hell out of them just thinking about it. Take care, Cookie

I guess I'm also selfish...I get mad at John sometimes because he didn't have to go through this. Then I get mad because I do believe he would have handled it better. He also was a musician, played golf, played pool with a group of guys once a week and handball once a week. He also rode a motorcycle with friends. I am social but would rather have spent all my time with him. This thing about "getting on with life because your alive".....easier said than done. I think that is what we are all trying to do. You just don't realize how hard it is going to be. I am getting on with life but don't feel very happy, which is what I miss. Contentedness, snuggling down into life and feeling like everything is so right. That is what I would like again. Will I get it? Right now after 2 years it doesn't seem like it. I think I had more hope in the beginning because I couldn't imagine this. Anyway, I will keep hoping, but it is wearing kind of thin. Cookie

So sorry and hope turns out well....hugs, Cookie

Very sorry for what's happened to you. People are so clueless about how difficult and intense this is. They will never know until it happens to them or maybe not know because they weren't close to the person. I have experienced so many incidents of careless, thoughtless people due to that. I have also experienced great kindness and caring. Unfortunately, it doesn't take your pain away. The clueless ones can trigger such intense pain and emotions. Hugs to you, Cookie

Gwen: Like many times in the past, you have stated very closely what I feel too. I am so lonely for John, and truly no one seems to understand how hard it is to feel okay again. In the beginning, I desperately hung on to the idea that in a year or two I would emerge from this darkness and feel better. Well, I'm not saying it's the same, but it's still dark and it still takes a lot of effort to keep on going. I do a lot of things, even laugh, but the pain is always there at the core and it gets so tiring with intense painful episodes always lurking. I had someone ask me just yesterday if I wasn't closer to others because I lost John. Can't imagine where that thinking came from. Wish I was. He was the closest I have ever come to anybody and the loss of him is deadening. Anyway, we keep on going and I do keep on hoping this will turn around. I so want just peace with this. Take care, Cookie

Boy, I can really relate to this. I can't stand holidays anymore, even Labor Day and Sundays are hard too for the same reason--always having shared them with John. It is hard to get reoriented. There are so many things I could be doing but still at 2 years and 3 months out I'm having trouble (have to kick myself in the backside) doing things. Partly I think it is because it doesn't take the grief and loneliness away; it's just a distraction, so it's not a fix. Anyway, can relate to you guys...hugs to all, Cookie

I do have an EpiPen...I'm going to get allergy testing at the end of the month and take immune shots if it comes back positive. It is possible I had a toxic reaction, as they say I had about 30-40 stings in actuality because each hornet or wasp can sting multiple times. Don't know; we'll see. I'm just really having trouble with the paranoia about bees now. I know I will get past this. Maybe next year will be better. Thanks George.

Thanks Kayc. It really does change your life when you find out you're allergic to bees; all of a sudden they are everywhere. I'm trying to find a balance and not be too scared to go outside. I'm considering doing the allergy shots, as they say they are very effective. I can't stand the idea of always being afraid of being outside.....I'm sure it will all work out. Having to hire out the yardwork for now. Hope your injuries get better soon; hoping mine does too. Fondly, Cookie

So sorry...I know that is hard. I've had to tell several people about John and it always come as a shock again and realizing these people didn't know....makes me feel like I am just putting it aside because every time I have to tell someone who doesn't know, it's like shock all over again that it's true....hugs to you, Cookie