Cookie

I was out mowing on a hill and the grass was a little wet and boom, down I went; luckily I was able to hold onto the mower. Hit hard on my hip but everything is okay. It is scary; you worry about breaking anything when you're in your 60s. Guess this is the new normal......Cookie

Kayc: So sorry for your fall. Isn't that the way? You can be going along doing okay you think and then something happens and everything changes so quickly. Hope you feel better soon....Cookie

Yes, I figured it wouldn't be the cure-all. That is one thing I've discovered in these 2 years. At first, I thought that surely by 2 years things would be so much better, but everything is really settling in for me now--the long-term nature of this pain, the aloneness, that nothing really can fix it. I do think it would be good to have distraction around, as you can get so lost in aloneness....that's how I'm seeing it. How did you get the flat mate? Seems like that would be a challenge, getting the somewhat right person. Thanks for the input, Cookie

I know, Gin, and it really depresses me sometimes.....

scba: Do you know anyone who is house sharing? Gwen: My heart breaks reading your post, mostly because I can relate to it and I also feel so much for you. I think we are left with trying to find maybe friends to connect with who care. I know, that sounds impossible, but it is a hope of mine. I too struggle so much with not feeling cared about or special to anyone. I think that is where my anxiety events come from. It is so hard to live without once you've had it.....fondly, Cookie

Gwen: I can relate to what you say. I almost love to have to call someone to come fix something, not only to have someone in the house but someone who doesn't know anything about me being a widow. I live in a community where everyone knows who I am and knew who John was; they just don't mention him, though. So, it's nice to meet someone who doesn't know and I can pretend for a while that I'm not a widow. Doesn't last long. I have thought about house sharing and wonder how that would work out, mainly because of the coming home to the house without him in it. Keep thinking about changing things up and not have it cost an arm and a leg. Anyway, just talking....Cookie

I understand this. I don't really want to talk about it with most people because it's clear they don't understand and that hurts even more; even other widows/widowers get on the positivity bandwagon when they start doing better; they seem to forget what the mire feels like....still feeling like a stranger in a strange land.....

Gwen: You know, I talked to someone recently who said it took her at least 4-5 years to find hope and for the pain to lift. Thought I would just share that with you. It gives me a little hope. We're both around 2 years out and for me it's still so dark too. Hugs to you....Cookie

mittam99: I know this is so hard; seems so unfair. Do you ever find yourself asking why we have to go through this...I know, the impossible question. My heart goes out to you and all of us....Cookie

So, what is the ratio of the mixture? This sounds very interesting. I have a forefinger that I smashed between two wood rounds a couple of months ago and still have numbness and some movement issues. I'd love to try that. Do you get golden raisins just at the grocery store?

Gwenivere: As usual, I see myself in your words. I, too, am a different person. I used to love alone time, treasured it sometimes. Now, I hate being here alone, hate coming home half the time, feel such sorrow when I'm here. I see him everywhere, but, of course, nowhere....and just miss him so darn much; it still hurts terribly. I do best when I'm busy, but it seems that I do a lot of busy type things and nothing that I can really sink my teeth into. I would like to have something like that now, something with meaning, but don't know how to get it again. I also watch more TV now that John is gone. It's hard when you're older I think. I'm 67 and have already done school, job; I was looking forward to retirement with John and that was going to be the next chapter. After 2 years, I'm still trying to figure out what the next chapter is going to be....keep hoping it will come to me from some of the things I try. Hugs to you and all out there, Cookie

I also don't feel that John is close now.....I think it's because it's been 2 years and I've gotten exhausted with still wanting something more tangible, which of course I won't get....maybe I resist thinking he's there out of anger...cutting off my nose to spite my face syndrome?

I agree. I too still have attacks of fear and anxiety....after 2 years.

Gin, I know what you mean. I wonder that too and so hope there will come a time where some joy comes back. This is long and hard....hugs, Cookie

So neat having a woman mechanic. I wish there were more of them.....

Kayc and Gin: Thanks for your responses. Let's all get together and have coffee some time (ha). I know I am not alone. I need to remember that. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are when you lose someone precious; just get feel like I have limited options sometimes. That's me trying to fix things, always wanting to fix it and move on. This doesn't work that way, though, I guess. I agree with Kayc, that you will know when you find that dog. Looking on-line is a great way. That is how we found Ranger; saw his sweet face and just knew he was for us. I hope you find the one, Gin. Good thoughts to you both, Cookie

That is all so hard. Feel for all of you....hugs, Cookie

Hey Marg: You made my day. I did the exact same thing about 2 months ago, left the keys in the car in the on position. Ended up calling AAA after asking my neighbor for help. Should have called AAA first thing...I was so embarrassed. The guy said it happens all the time...nice person. Cookie

I agree. I also think maybe being older is a weird blessing. It doesn't seem like I can live into my 90s with this pain...Cookie

Hugs to you too. Those darn triggers...so many sometimes. Will be thinking of you, Cookie

Patty: Beautifully written. Happy for you and what lies ahead...sounds very promising. If I'm ever in Scottsdale, I will drop in. Good wishes, Cookie

Hi everyone....haven't written much lately as I am having a pretty hard time. Second-year anniversary is coming up on the 13th of this month. Is it real that everyone has a harder time around that event? I have been waking up crying, something I haven't done since the very beginning; feeling so lost again, lonely, adrift. This seems endless sometimes. I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." It seems like if I were younger, 40s maybe, there would be more to look forward to and focus on. I'm 67 and feeling like I'm just going into old age alone. This feels so punishing. I am still going but getting tired. Thanks for listening, Cookie

Gwen: I don't know you (wish I did), but I want you to know that you really matter to me, even though I'm out here in virtual land. I always look for comments you've made because everything you say is so very much like how I feel and I get some comfort in not being alone in my misery. It's like you state it so well, I don't need to write it myself. Also, you are so articulate and say everything so clearly and honestly. I would be so sad if you were not on here...really. Warmly, Cookie

Oh, I want it!!

Gin: I can relate...that would make me nervous too. I'm sure you will do well, though. I put myself through so much unnecessary worry constantly now. I am worrying about keeping up with the yard work now, but I can guarantee you that as soon as that is passed it will be something else. I was a kind of worrier before John died, but it is constant now. I do the relaxation apps at night and in the morning, journal, etc. I think the worry is really attached to the loss somehow. Wish I could be hypnotized out of it. You said you had a 20-year-old Toyota....I have a 10-year-old Subaru and I worry about it....see what I mean (ha)...I do know Toyotas will go forever. We had one that the body rusted off of before the engine had any trouble. Well, enough. Good luck on your test. Looking forward to seeing how it turned out....fondly, Cookie