Cookie

Mitch: I was so touched by what you wrote...I can say that you truly spoke for me too so well. It's so incredibly painful but true. I also hope for a way to live without just existing...I guess if I didn't have that hope I wouldn't be here now.....

Gwen: Happy late birthday....you're in my heart. I know, it hurts. A big hug just for you....Cookie

Oh, he looks like a real sweetie....thanks for sharing

I just have this dull sadness for Thanksgiving that has just fallen to depression, crying....it will pass and cycle around again, though. Had some nice company for the meal but being alone again after is such a hard part of this. As an observer of myself, I'm always amazed at how normal I can seem on the outside when inside I'm dying it feels. Is that the "fake til you make it" thing? I really hate the holidays this year more than ever, 2 1/2 years later....I have the sweetest pup to walk, though...Olive the poodle, cream, and looks a lot like the brother she and I lost this April. I am grateful for her....

Boy, you and I sound like we have a lot in common. I do all that stuff too, but after my bee event had to hire out the yard maintenance for the rest of the year. Don't know what I'll do next season....maybe get a bee suit. It's true that it's hard to find people in the country and ones that will show up. How big is your house and property? Keep trying to figure out what my options will be in years to come....Cookie

I had so much fear and anxiety in the beginning, but even after 2 1/2 years it still cycles around, but not so constant. I really hate it....takes me back to my childhood. Wonder if one is ever free of it....Gwen: The enemy is pretty big for me too. Just when I think I'm going to master this (being able to stay in neutrality), here comes the old fear, anxiety and then sorrow quickly followed by depression. It just cycles and cycles....that is what is so tiring. Hugs to you...Cookie

Please...wouldn't that be great? When I leave here I would love to live in a community of like-minded people.....

Thanks Kayc...John built this house and loved this property; that is one of the problems of leaving it. It was the last thing he did with his hands. His ashes are also spread here....but, it's a lot to take care of; so far, so good. The getting older part is what I'm so aware of. I am 68, still very active, but I know that will change with time. So, do you do all the work yourself too? The carrying wood, yardwork, etc.? I know you don't need the place to remember, but the attachments are so real...breaking them hurts. Hugs to you.....Cookie

Marg: I love that idea....just not here right now. Think I will start trying to look at it that way. You have such a great way of characterizing things...wish you were my next-door neighbor....love Cookie

Yes, it is wrenching to have to hear about everyone's plans for the holidays with loved ones. I know these people really don't know how it hurts to hear (I used to be one); it's something about myself I don't like now, feeling bad because someone else is happy.....how to overcome it? I live in a very rural area in the mountains of NC and am surrounded by couples...John and I loved living here just because it was so country and there were many other couples around...I can't move right now, but I don't want to run away either....I would like to come to some peace about this before I take that next big step whatever it will be.....God, this is hard stuff....

Just watched this....crying....

Two and a half years for me on Dec 13th (my birthday)....but I realize as I look ahead, it's a lifetime......

Tom PB: What you wrote really hit home for me. I feel the same, loss at every turn....hurts so much...holidays can be so brutal for people like us who have lost the most important person. I'm just waiting for it to be over. Hugs to you and everyone...Cookie

Love to you Janka....six years isn't really very long in the big picture. A lifetime won't be long enough for me. I think it seems harder to bear the more time that passes since John has been gone; I miss him more not less. I've read a book by Megan Devine called "It's okay that you're not okay." It was helpful for me in the sense that I always have thought I should be doing better, hurting less after 2 1/2 years, but this book puts things in a better perspective, talking about it being a process of fashioning a life alongside your grief, because let's face it, we're never going to miss that special person less. Fondly, Cookie

So sorry Gin. I don't blame you about being nervous about that neck surgery. It is so hard to try and make these decisions. I just am getting through a meniscal tear in my knee. At first it looked like surgery might happen, but it's improved so much. I do believe in the power of the body to heal itself....Thinking of you, Cookie

Gwen: My heart goes out to you. John's BD was yesterday and even thought it's been 2 1/2 years, it was as painful as ever if not more. I cried all day, felt like I was losing this battle to stay the course and keep going. I had all the talks with myself that try to keep me looking forward, but it was of no use. Today is better, still in pain but it's more manageable. People say do something special, but I have to say it almost makes it hurt worse because I crave for him to be doing whatever it is with me. Take care, Cookie

Loved that Marg about being on different sides of the bridge. You are a poet, did you know that? Hey, your country looks like my country here in Western North Carolina....beautiful!

So sorry Gwen. What you're talking about is very frustrating and grief does make it just that much worse. I find myself having much less patience than I used to especially when dealing with techie things, and it all seems so meaningless in the face of having lost your most special person....a little like an unusual torture.....

Checking in and find comfort in being able to come here and share with everyone.....hugs to all

I agree, Brad. I definitely am preferring the company of other grievers....where you can be heard and listen; as simple as that and worth everything....

Oh my gosh, that was a beautiful gesture from him, Autumn....it all hurts so much...

George: I could really relate to the phrase "vacillating in three different worlds." So strange isn't it? Yes, three shots, four times in two hours, but I think it's worth it. It will take 2 months once a week, then maintenance shots spread out much further. Can't live being afraid of bees as I am outdoors as much as possible and don't want to lose that comfort. It's definitely been a challenge with a fear of bees lately; it seems like there have been an over-abundance of them in these NC mountains this year....thanks for your thoughts, Cookie

Dave: Thanks for sharing...it is so comforting to know I'm not alone (but for such a horrible reason)...I'll be thinking of you. Don't know what I'm going to do yet; belong to Ubuntu (a community singing group) and may go ahead and go sing. John was a musician. He and our children all played instruments and sang and I didn't...now, I find myself in this singing group and think he would be quite amused by it. The music does lift my heart.

I've started feeling like a "stranger in a strange land." It's been almost 2 and 1/2 years since John died, and although there are times when things are okay, a lot of times I feel like I just don't fit anywhere anymore. I don't think anyone on the outside of me sees this feeling I have, but it's almost surreal. I went for my weekly bee venom allergy shot and there were three couples in the waiting room. This takes about 2 hours...I get a shot, wait 30 minutes, get another shot, wait another 30 minutes. The other three people there for the same thing all had their spouse accompanying them and then there was me....boy, I came out of there feeling so out of body. Watching the loving and familiar exchanges between these couples for so long was unbelievably painful, like holding my feet over the fire. I don't begrudge anyone their love, but it is so hard to witness others with the very thing that you are missing so much. So, it's left me with residual wondering where I fit in this life if anywhere.....I know I will get back to some center, as do again and again, but wonder if this fragility will ever end....Cookie

My heart truly goes out to you, Gwen, and all of us. Coming up on what would have been John's 72nd birthday on Nov 8th. I actually wondered why I was having a hard time in the last few days...irritable, feeling hopeless, lost again. It still hurts so much, so I think I can relate....I agree that all these significant days seem harder. Hugs to you....Cookie