Cookie

I would like to send another view of Sheryl's book. When I found out about it and read her interview and an article in Time magazine, it made me feel horrible, like a failure, even though most people say it should be hopeful. Then I read this article and it gave me hope again. I could relate to this article better and so I am sending it in case there is anyone else who had a bad reaction to the Sheryl Sandberg book. There is something about seeing yourself in something that is comforting. I'm not saying I'm against the book, I just think it's in the "positive thinking" vein that has caused me so much trouble, like I don't measure up somehow. Don't get me wrong, I wish I were Sheryl Sandberg and had her attitude (maybe her life also). I don't think I'm negative, it's just that deep down I have that great ache.... My experience of grief looks nothing like Sheryl Sandberg’s

I definitely drink more now that John is gone. He always had a beer or glass or two of wine every night and I would occasionally. Now that he is gone, I have at least a glass of wine every night. Worried me for a while until my doctor said it's okay. Definitely helps me relax and sleep, which "they" say isn't good for sleep. You've got to have some comfort. None of the other things seem to work! Cookie

So sorry Butch...I will hold you in my heart.....Cookie

Gin and Kayc: Just hoping more, a lot more time will help even things out. There is no other feeling like this.....sending my love and caring to all.

You know, I used to spend a lot of time wondering when things would get better, but I think I'm coming to feeling like they won't really...just learning to cope seems to be the objective. I worked overtime trying to get back into life, going everywhere I was invited, finding a part-time job, on and on. It will be 2 years in June and I feel awful and so also feel like maybe never is the answer to when. Having a bad day....sorry to be so negative, but I am having more negative times than I did in the first year because I actually thought by 2 years surely things would feel more normal or better somehow. I miss him more....

Perfectly stated Gwen....

Oh my goodness, 57 years and I thought 47 was a lot.....it is shocking to be without that person when you've spent almost your whole life with them. So sorry for us all. Hugs, Cookie

I know you're not supposed to say this, but I know how you feel. Functioning but lacking inside...everyone thinking you're all back to normal because you are functioning on the outside....no one sees all the misery inside. Feel for you.....this is so hard. Hugs to you, Cookie

Thanks for sharing everyone. I get so depressed thinking there must be something really wrong with me that after almost 2 years (June 13th) I still feel so empty, lonely and lacking in direction. This must take so much longer than I ever imagined.

Yes, I feel indifference too. I can tell. Certain things used to get me a little excited or interested. It seems that nothing does that for me now....just going along doing what I have to do.....

Marg: I like your soup spoon word salads; some really important things are said in them. I relate to grief making your life feel empty even with people all around. I've been trying to wrap my head around this phenomenon. Having you state it helped to clarify it for me. I see lots of people and talk to family often but still feel so empty and alone. Now the question is, how to rectify that? Keep talking. Fondly, Cookie

I don't know if I will ever have someone again. I've been reading these posts and I'm happy for everyone who is having that experience. It's not that I think I can have a John clone; it's more that he set the bar pretty high. I have a male friend I do things with and just can't imagine getting that kind of close with him. Also, I'm in my 60s and feel like it would be a miracle if I met someone in my age range who I could get excited about or him me. A widower would be the best I think. I dream about it....but I guess I don't think the odds are high. I am lonely for male companionship and closeness; guess I should never say never; miracles do happen---I met John didn't I?

I'm thinking what they mean by complicated grief is that you can't function in day-to-day life just practically speaking. But the problem is that when you speak of how you feel, and sometimes that can be bad, people interpret that to mean you're not functioning. When I talk about how I feel inside, it probably sounds scary to someone outside....but, I function, albeit with a heavy heart. I believe that what we all feel is very normal after losing something so near and precious....like having moved to a foreign country and not knowing how to speak the language....that is that lost feeling and missing so badly the familiar and what made you feel so good. Cookie

I think I am in a very similar situation to yours....the grief of watching John go down, the seemingly suddenness of it when it happened, the loss of my sweet dog.....it is so hard to feel hopeful. I am interested in brain science. If you find a way to rewire your brain, please share....I do believe the brain is pretty powerful. I have been trying some calming apps and ones for sleep. They maybe help a little. I find I get anxious trying to follow the instructions, though.....Take care, Cookie

Thanks for the support; I am coming to that conclusion......Cookie

Love you, Marg.......

Gwen: I can relate to what you said. I'm also still trying to figure out if I can live without him. I see a counselor and have been diagnosed with "complicated grief" because it's almost 2 years and I still feel so bad. That made me feel worse, but he says it's not uncommon. I left feeling like a failure and like there is something really wrong with me after all.....my husband died and I can't seem to get back into enjoying life; I guess that is what is wrong. So much for the timeline. You know they say there is no timeline but if you don't shape up and act content, then you get a label--complicated grief. So sorry for your suffering. I have to tell you I feel physically healthy but it doesn't make me feel better...I know, it should. It's funny actually. I do enjoy things at times and I keep doing and going; it's just my heart isn't in anything and I feel very sad inside most of the time. Okay, enough of that. Hugs to you, Cookie

Grief brain is my guess. Thanks for sharing because sometimes I think I am the only one and it's comforting to know that others suffer with the same maladies. Hugs to you...Cookie

Feeling so bad for you Kayc. Yes, I've had many exasperating times too. It's so hard also when you have this underlying grief and feeling of being left alone with all of it. I hope it all works out well for you. I think one problem I have is that after any bad situation, I start worrying about what is going to be next. I have to learn to stop doing that. Some one told me I would be inviting negativity to come to me...oh boy, that was great to hear. I don't believe that. Things just happen. Good wishes to you....Cookie

I hope it helps a little....just want to give you a big hug. I understand about everything being complicated. This is hard, I know.....fondly, Cookie

Yeah it can. I know most people "mean well," but I've decided that some of that cheerleading is maybe indicative of their own wanting desperately to feel better or wanting desperately for you to feel better. It seems like since John died, I've spent so much time just working (like a job) on ways to feel better and get very distressed when it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. I've followed all the suggestions. The world needs better education about how big and deep grief is and that just caring support is the best thing. I mean, we all want to feel better and are working in all of our ways to get there. I don't think we need lectures or advice (unless asked for) on how to do that; it actually feeds into that feeling of being incompetent when people are telling you what you need to do. I already know what to do, just getting waylaid by that feeling of disconnection because I lost my biggest connection. I personally feel the most hope when people hang in there and just reassure me that I am doing the best I can in a horrible situation, maybe listen some, just keep being a friend. Hugs to all....Cookie

Darrel: I can relate to what you are saying. It's almost 2 years for me and I still yearn terribly for my husband, John. It does get a little daunting when so much time passes by but it seems to have stood still in many ways. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in what you are feeling. And, the being around other people thing is hard. For me, it's because I feel disconnected in a sense. I'm with mostly people who haven't had this experience and it makes me feel lonelier. I would love to find some people who have experienced a loss like this and are real about it. The grief groups I have been to have so many members who spend the time telling you how to feel better instead of letting you just say where you are, which I would think would make me feel better....( I call them cheerleaders). Take care, Cookie

Marie: I feel for you. Yes, it's so hard to have to do this all alone now. I still feel it at almost 2 years. Tired of being the one to make all the decisions. Also tired of the work of everything, wondering when it gets easier at some time. Cookie

Gin: I'm sorry you had to endure that person's ignorance. I have also had people say the rudest things to me. Six months after John died, one "friend" told me I needed to just let it go, that he had. He lost his wife 3 months after John. At almost 2 years, it's even worse. People really just assume that's enough time. So much for having your own timeline. I have felt pressured from the beginning to get over this and now it's even worse from just about everybody....this widow/widower's journey sure is lonely and stressful. Almost no one can just let you be. I mean sometimes you're hurting and just need to be heard and it seems impossible for most people to just say I'm sorry or give you a hug. It's such a simple thing you would think. Gwen: It is hard to get rid of things. I was able to do away with most of his clothes, but now it's the tools and trying to sell them that is excruciating. This is a kind of hell. I read a book called "Walking in the Garden of Souls," which made me feel better. It talks about how the souls of our loved ones are always with us (of course, I wish I could feel or be aware of it), but just the idea makes me hope. So, hopefully when this hell is done, we'll get to join our loved ones in a beautiful place......Cookie

Heartfelt thanks to you all. I know we're all in this together and bless you for sharing your stories. I loved the rainbow bridge story. Down below is Ranger at about 2 months and with John just before he died. I am missing my two guys, but see them riding together always...love to all, Cookie