Cookie

Marg: It's clear how much you loved him...I have guilt because I woke up at 3:00 AM and looked at John and he wasn't breathing well (he had been having trouble with a CPAP mask) and went back to sleep; then I woke up at 4:00 and realized he was really not breathing well, tore the mask off and he was dead 15 minutes later after my daughter and I tried CPR and everything to bring him back. So, I have a lot of guilt about that. I had this idea that when the time came, we would know and sit by the bedside and love him out of this world instead of beating on him. I am having a hard time feeling okay about it....hugs, Cookie

Marg: When I read your post, I thought of the other day I was in the grocery store and all of a sudden I had this strong desire to know exactly what happened physically to cause John's death. I know he had throat cancer, but they had been giving us thumbs up reports on his cancer and tests and then in April he found another node and he was dead by June and none of the doctors ever sat down with us and explained what went wrong, why none of the tests showed anything up until then, PET scans, CT scans. They had said that it was 90% curable. I know I can pretty much figure it out (maybe). Anyway, it was such a shock to us both, two months wasn't enough time to deal with it, so I find myself now wanting answers. I will probably ask the doctor to explain it to me. I know it won't bring him back, but I have an intense need to know what took him away. I'm hoping it will bring me a bit of comfort. I know this sounds crazy probably...just explaining sometimes there is a need to know in black and white what happened. Hugs to you....Cookie

Karen: So sorry for your sad memories. What you said spoke to me because I too get recurring memories of my husband's suffering before he died and it is debilitating. Thinking of you and sending you love...Cookie

Marie Lee: There is no failing at this....just getting through it. That is one of the beautiful things I have learned here in this group. Thanks for sharing and hugs to you....Cookie

Gwenivere: I also have done the streamroller thing...and at 20 months am really feeling the sorrow hard. But, that is what everyone says you should do right? Keep busy...Cookie

Gin: I also feel empty and pointless. But, I agree with Kevin and will keep going out and doing things. One thing I noticed is that going out and trying to get involved in things and meet people is so totally opposite to what I was doing before and that is what leaves me feeling out of step, irrelevant and like things are just not right. I realized that it would make sense to feel that way, as it's a 360 degree turn from what I was used to for 47 years. Hopefully, things will change. Boy, this is HARD. I go to yoga classes pretty regularly at the local recreation park where I used to do it at home by myself, which has led me to going to a yoga retreat. Also, I've been asking people to hike with me, which is hard but I'm trying anyway. Used to hike with John always. I also don't cry as much, like Brad was saying, but just recently I had two consecutive dreams with John in them briefly and that put me into a very weepy, sad state of mind for days. They are always remote dreams and I want him to hug me, hold me, let me know he's there....I hope that is his spirit letting me know he's there. Love to all of you....Cookie

I feel like that too, Gin. Wonder sometimes if I'm honoring John. So much of my life up to now since he left is consumed with pain....feel for you, Cookie

Mitch: That was beautiful and moving....thanks for sharing...it spoke to me.....take care, Cookie

Thank you Kayc: You said that well...somehow when I read your posts, they give me a little bit of hope. For one thing, you say "years down the road," making it okay to be totally on top of it after a year or two...that is a comfort because I don't know about others, but I am really hard on myself thinking I "should" be on top of this by now. Of course, having people suggest that you "should" also doesn't help. I get so much comfort here....thanks to you and all, Cookie

All of you: Thanks so much for sharing your heartrending stores with me and everyone. I'm so sorry for all of us....but, you have comforted me and I thank you for that. Just knowing I am not the only one helps. Everything you wrote resonates with me. I have come back to center and will try to pick and choose more carefully who I share what I feel with. I will talk to my sister again. She is my sister and I love her, and God knows none of us need more loss in this life. It's so hard to accept that family members can be so distancing....hugs to you all.

Autumn2: Eight weeks is really soon. I'm 20 months out and still "falling apart." It's okay, no matter what people say. I've been finding that my biggest hurdles are people who keep gently letting you know that you need to compose yourself. What I really need, and maybe you, is just compassion and being allowed to fall apart and letting it be okay. Fifty-two years is such a long time to be with someone. For me it was 47 years. I don't know when I'll feel really okay again. I'm going through the days and I do have what I call my neutral time, but the pain comes in small stabs for me and I can't get around it. I thought I could bulldoze my way through, but I've found out you have to take what comes. You're just grieving a tremendous loss. Good for you not taking the lower price, by the way!....good wishes, Cookie

Just got off the phone with my sister, who called me and asked how I was doing. When I said I was having a bit of a hard time because all of a sudden I'm wondering what happened to my husband, she proceeded to reprimand me, saying "why are you doing this to yourself" and you're just torturing yourself." I really feel like I want answers that I never feel like I got at the time and it's now coming back to haunt me. He had HPV throat cancer and they said it was a very curable type. He took the grueling treatment and we kept getting all these good reports from the doctors. They said radiation was the cure and they burned his neck raw. He also had Erbitux, a biologic. Six months before he died, he had a PET scan and they said it was clear. Then 2 months before he died, a node showed up in his neck and all of a sudden he was terminal. We were both so shocked. Now, 20 or so months later I'm just getting around to wondering why he didn't make it. I know quite a few people with his form of cancer who got the same treatment for the same thing and are here today. I guess I wished I had asked for an explanation of what their best guess was of why his treatment didn't work, but we were both so shocked and then he was gone. Anyway, her response was very debilitating to me, making me feel like I'm doing something wrong again. I did call another widow who was very compassionate and said she still had questions 3 years after losing her husband. I just don't know if I can have a relationship with my sister. I think now what she was really saying was not what was I doing to myself but what was I doing to her....trying to get back to center...Cookie

Yes Gwenivere, wine time used to have good associations for me too...John and I would sit and have a glass together and visit or watch TV, etc. Now, it's my little time of escape.

I miss living too....I hope I can do that again someday. I can certainly relate to feeling like I'm just putting in time. It is a comfort to know that others feel that way and maybe, just maybe this will pass somewhere down the road....

Hey Karen: Don't feel bad about sharing how you cope. So, I drink more wine than I used to and I do think of what it would be like to get out of this life. I think it gives me comfort knowing that I do have an option, not that I'm planning on using it. Yes, I agree, Marg, we do have others to think about. But, boy, this pain is unrelenting. Sometimes I think those that love us would actually understand in some way. Darrel, talk about your feelings as much as you want here. I and probably everyone else gets some comfort just knowing we aren't alone in those feelings, because I can tell you everything you said was very close to how I feel. I read something from someone who lost a loved one that said everyone says time heals the pain, but it doesn't; you just learn to get used to it. I'm beginning to realize that is what it is. I think it's going to take a long time to get used to it......Hugs everyone, Cookie

Gin: I can relate to you. I've spent 19 months getting out there, trying to meet new people and what I've realized is that it is a SLOW process. It will take time to get to know people, and, I think what I'm looking for really is a connection that is close, similar to what I had with John. Now is that barking up the wrong tree or what? So now I've got to reorient and realize it's just people to get to know superficially at first and maybe, just maybe there will be a good friend, long in the making in there somewhere. It's hard knowledge when you've lost your best friend and are trying to recreate that closeness......you feel so lonely and there is so much missing...I know...

I feel like I don't want to be here a lot, sometimes more than others. It comes and goes. Sometimes I'm just what I call neutral...no feelings. I like that place. Then, it hits me and I don't want to be here period. If I say I don't want to be here to someone, usually they give me all the reasons I should be here...but they are not living in my mind, heart and body. I really struggle with pointlessness now. It's worse after 19 months, when I was hoping it would be better. That leaves me feeling despair. Can't imagine that it's going to get better than this.

Darrel and Brad: You are not alone...I have thought of it off and on, more now than at first, as my husband was so intent on me living and being happy. So sorry about your physical ailments...but I, too, wonder what will happen to me and what I will do if I get incapacitated. I have always been so used to doing what I want and when you are alone it is so much scarier a thought. I do believe any thoughts are valid now; I'm having thoughts I never imagined having before this. I got laid off from my job soon after John had gone through the treatment for his throat cancer. It was such a financial blow. I looked for a job but couldn't find one, so I retired early. I am working part-time now at home. He had retired and when it was time for me to retire, we were going to travel, etc. He was diagnosed 3 months after he retired and things went as they did...so much for plans. Now everything is still feeling upended for me and I am hoping to work through this at some point. Good wishes to you both....Cookie

The friends thing is hard. John was my best friend. We had friends, but we were so complete, just the two of us. Since he's gone, I've been trying to go out a lot and meet new people, but it's not really my natural way, so I get exhausted with it. I was thinking about it the other day and realized I feel homesick, meaning I am in my home and I'm homesick. When I'm with other people I feel homesick. I can't seem to find a place to rest since he's been gone. It takes a long time to get that comfortable with other people, but I guess you could say, what else do I have to do....I will keep trying, but, God, I miss him so much. I get asked all the time "how are you," and I can feel the need of others to hear "fine" coming back. I usually accommodate. I can't really go into a detailed explanation of how much pain I'm in....

Beautiful, heartrending story George. My heart goes out to you. I know that I wish all those wonderful moments could have gone on forever; there still don't feel like there were enough. Hugs, Cookie

Like this too. Looking for good comebacks that educate and make me feel okay. I'm fine never feels good. Today when I was talking to another widow about still being haunted by my husband's suffering for so long before he died, she immediately took this reprimanding tone, saying, "well, you can be comforted knowing he is in a better place and not suffering anymore." I felt reprimanded, then angry. Yes, I'm glad he's not suffering, but the better place would be here by me...this all feels so hopeless sometimes....Cookie

Love this...might use it

Darrel: So sorry my nickname brings you sorrow...but I understand; the triggers are everywhere. I also have had the name since infancy. I was an underweight baby in the nursery and had to be there a while, and so the nurses nicknamed me that. What is your wife's story, if you want to share. Yes, all of this can feel so awful. I know that people don't have a clue how hard and long-term this is...but you do get tired. What you said about being tired of being put on the spot is not a shortcoming in my book. It is tiring. It's hard work dealing with everyone else's take on you....and I know I hate being in this position. But the truth is I miss him terribly, even more after 19 months. I'm hoping there is an upward curve at some point in the future. Good thoughts to you...Cookie

That is just really mean....I have people ask me "how are you," and you can actually here the "I hope you say better" resonating in the background. My pat answer is okay, how about you. I am okay...moving, eating, functioning, so I guess that is true, but I'm not happy or contented is what I want to shout out....

This so touched me. It spoke to me just like it did to everyone else....Cookie