Cookie

So glad you're okay Mitch. I believe Tammy was looking out for you...you're not done yet. I like to believe that about John. A couple days before he died, he suddenly said, "If I can, I will come back to help you." Lately, the last 8 days or so, I've been finding different bird feathers at my feet when I stop and look down, all in different places. I always collected feathers and he would try and find me neat ones when he was alive and bring them to me when he thought it was one I would like....I got stung by all the bees and had to stop doing yard work, have messed up my knee and might need surgery....I really think he might be showing me he's here. Hugs to you all....Cookie

Marg: You sound pretty sane to me.....

I lost the amulet that had John's hair in it about 9 months ago and know I will never get it back. It was such a special thing, a real part of him. It still hurts, but, yes, I do know I will have to learn to live without it, just like I have to learn to live without him.....

Sean: I had all the same feelings about my ring after John died. I ended up moving it to my right finger and it feels just right there. I could never take it off....I also still feel married...

I understand how you all feel about your dogs. As you know, I lost my dear Ranger in April and it was devastating. I am so grateful I still have Olive, she is also a poodle and is 8 1/2 years old, so now I'm worrying about her age and also feeling hyper-vigilant like Gwen. Just don't want to lose another thing, but there is no choice is there? Trying so hard to just appreciate her while she's here....hope your dogs are better and you can keep them for a long time....Cookie

Yes, it's scary. I'm going to an allergist next week as they have immune shots. I just don't feel like I can live like this....

Marg: I've wondered about that myself. Would moving out of the house we shared help in any way or make things worse. It seems like it's worked for you. I will be facing that in a few years and am a little anxious about it....Cookie

Gwen: I can relate to so much that you say....a friend of mine has recommended CBD oil, saying it helps with depression and anxiety. Now, this does not have THC in it, only trace and is legal. I think I'd like to try it. Does anyone here know anything about it or taken it? I don't know if you're like me, always looking for anything that will help. Fondly, Cookie

Mitch: It's been 2 years and 1 month for me. Right after John died, I got rid of his underwear and socks right away. I can't tell you why. I kept his clothes for a year and a half....when I did take them away it hurt......it hurt with them here and hurts with them gone. What I'm wondering is how I am going to move out of this house. I have wanted to move since he died and then I started thinking it might really be harder than I thought. He built this house, last thing he did.....could be really traumatic to leave. Won't be moving for another couple of years, though. But, I can say that everything I've sold or gotten rid of has hurt, like losing him all over again....Cookie

I agree. I don't think it's possible to prepare. I kind of stand in horror of anyone losing their beloved knowing what lies ahead......

Boy, that sounds rough. He still has his wife....you can't help but feel, of if I only had my husband/wife, I would be so grateful and seemingly happy no matter what, but I know that his pain must be real for him.....

Just read this. So sorry about your fall. It is so hard to have something like that happen on top of everything else. I recently had a bee event. Got stung by a lot of ground hornets and now have a severe allergy, so can't do anymore mowing for now. Will have to find someone and pay. Go through anxiety and depression off and on, but keep telling myself it's just another life thing and I have to deal with it. Wish you speedy recovery.....hugs, Cookie

Yes, I have had some of the most despairing comments from fellow grievers....they are the ones sometimes that want you to move on because I guess your pain causes them to feel their pain more (?). I know another widow who always says so cheerily, "I'm doing really well," and never says she's having a hard time. Can't relate to her and she always depresses me. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm behind. But, there is no behind is there? This is all so convoluted sometimes......I do know what you mean about your husband. Mine is always present too in my heart and I miss him so much all the time. I do go out and do lots of things and most people think I'm "better," but they don't want to dip below the surface too much.....hugs, Cookie

George: My heart goes out to you. He sounds a lot like my mom was...saying thoughtless things, just throwing them out there. I have to believe family is whoever you have connection to. I have lost my sweet John (2 and 2 months also) and my son pretty much because he has a possessive wife. It is now down to me and my daughter as bio family and she has a life of her own to get on with. I look to friends for family mostly but it stings not having John here, which I imagine is the case for you missing your dear wife. Take care, Cookie

I understand Kayc. It was like that with my husband. He was my best friend and the one I spent all my time with, and I also have a similar situation with family. They all have their own lives....but, I love your posts. You have a way of being so encouraging. I'm always hoping you've posted. Thanks, Cookie

SCBA: I also had a dream last night of my dear husband. I rarely dream about him, almost never, but last night he was there. There was a lot of hugging and loving encouragement from him like he would do in life. God, I would love to believe it was really him. It felt wonderful anyway. I recently had an event where I was weed-eating my upper pasture and hit a ground hornet's nest. I got about 15 stings and ended up having to go to the ER. First time in my life. I've worked outside for years and gotten stung many times with no problems, but this time was different. Now I'm being told I'm highly allergic to this bee and have to carry an EpiPen. It's been very shocking and overwhelming for me as I do all the work now on this property and don't dare do it now. So, I've been quite anxious and worried about how to manage this. Was missing him so much. He would be so grounding and comforting; maybe that is why I had that dream. I needed it so much. I loved the excerpt from Viktor Frankl's book...thanks. Cookie

Gwen: My heart goes out to you. I know very well what you are talking about. Most people I know really think things have to be better after 2 years. I get the "you look a lot better" comment all the time, and the funny thing is I'm dying inside all the time. So, how do I do it I wonder. I should get an academy award I think. You really do shut down after a certain amount of time because the world out there cannot accept the truth of where you still are. It is a sad, painful and lonely place....hugs, Cookie

Brad: Good for you; I wish you all the best. I'm still looking for that special something that will give my life meaning again. My husband, John, was an eighth grade math teacher, so I know how hard that job is, but also how rewarding. I used to love helping him with class projects and going in and video-taping for him, etc. The kids although challenging are so neat to interact with (I know not all the time!). Please don't go away from here completely; you always write such interesting posts, but my guess is that you will be pretty busy....

Fifty-four years is a long time...for me 47. And, when you started out young and went all those years together, grew up together so to speak, how do you have another relationship that you can be content in? What's wrong with your computer?

I've read these posts and agree with all. I can't imagine being struck by magic that good twice in a lifetime. Of course, I would love it. Like a lot of you, John and I just went together and it seemed so lucky...real magic. We had our ups and downs, but always had such a close connection and the downs seemed to enrich our relationship, especially in the later years. Plus, I just miss him so darn much. It's been 2 years and I yearn for him terribly. I have a "hiking buddy" who recently let me know he had feelings for me. I should have been flattered and I admire his courage in even bringing it up, but I have to say that it depressed me and made me feel awful. I just want a friend. In no way do I want to date. It made me realize how un-ready I am for that and makes me miss John all the more because I just want him back, our life back and don't want to be in this situation at all. I know he isn't coming back, but my hope is to eventually be at peace with my life alone with just good friends and "hiking buddies" who just want someone to hike with and enjoy the company. Anyway, I let him know how I felt and it made him feel bad. Don't know; don't like this. Cookie

So many people don't understand grief at all. We're in it and we don't understand it, but we feel it and know that a site like this could never prolong this thing, but could only help relieve some of the distress. It's that old thing of ignore it and it will go away, which it won't.....gotta feel it, that's what I'm always being told by my counselor and what I have been fighting since the day he died. It's hard enough to let yourself feel the feelings without people reinforcing that you should run away from them.....hugs Cookie

Yes, it feels like just putting in time a lot. Never wanted to live life like this; always had great aspirations to make a difference, be excited about being alive; that seems to have gotten lost in all this. Wonder if I will ever be excited about life again? Anyway, hugs to you too....Cookie

I keep getting the question, "Are you getting better?" I feel like I must have a sickness or that is what others see it as....then I think I need to get "better."

Kevin: Two years is nothing....everyone thinks that's a long time, but really not. It's been 2 years for me also.....

Yes, I feel that keenly now, that feeling like no one notices....such a loss and sad feeling....Cookie