Cookie

I feel for you Marg. Right after my husband died, about a month, my daughter told me she needed boundaries when I started to cry in front of her. Felt like I was slapped. I realize that she couldn't see my pain because she had so much, but nonetheless, it was hurtful. Kids are a blessing and sometimes you wonder. I can also relate to the inertia you are talking about. I need to change my house and can't seem to get mobilized. It's been a year and I'm still stuck in mud. Love to you....Cookie

No one could have said it better....

You are not alone. I have also struggled with the same thing. I have been told I need to be positive, move on, not dwell on what I can't change, etc., etc. Yes, it hurts because what these people don't get is that you more than anyone want out of this pain somehow. Adding isolation to the painful feelings is not helpful. I have really drawn back many times just because of what you experienced. I am grateful for this place to be able to talk honestly. I want to believe there will be a softening of this pain and will be hopeful for that, but in the meantime, support is so necessary to help get through. Hugs to you, Cookie

Ok, has anyone heard of dowsing to talk to loved ones. Just introduced to it by another widow. Tried it and I swear there was something there. Sometimes I think I am really losing my mind in all this. I know I am so desperate to communicate with John I would do anything. This grief thing really challenges you. I don't know who I am anymore sometimes. I also, after a year, am just starting to feel the profound loss of him. Can you believe it? It hits me in the morning, that he is really not coming back....unbelievable. Now I know intellectually that to be true, but it's the emotional me that is lagging behind. Has anyone else had this happen? In that way, it is much sadder than ever and I think how bad can this get? My daughter said that I was living with the illusion that he still existed, that I need to come to terms that he is gone, gone. It is a little hard living in the house where we lived together. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a time warp, like he's going to come out of a room in a minute; everything is the same but he is not here. I am just now working on thinking of how to change things; don't know if it will help. Thanks for listening.....warmly Cookie

I like that thought, Kayc....Cookie

I have had some of the same thoughts about the afterlife. I always felt John and I were soulmates, but I just read something that says that after you die you become part of a big energy, that you have lived many times before and have many other connections, maybe other soulmates. That really depressed me, just like you, Gin. In this earthly realm, I need to believe I will be with John and that he wants to be with me still. It's all so lonely feeling. Who knows what really happens, that's what we are left with, and God to me could be any number of things that are bigger than us. Well, enough of that. Right here, right now, I miss my husband profoundly......warmly, Cookie

I tried really hard this year to pretend like Father's Day wasn't happening, turned down the volume when the ads would come on, etc. But, the truth is, you are trapped and cannot escape the absence of that person. It is really hellish. I always made a big deal out of Father's Day for him, and you do feel so excluded from something it seems like everyone else is getting to experience. Love to you all, Cookie

Kayc: Understand that feeling. I felt that about John, irreplaceable, one of a kind. Hard to imagine life without him, even though I get up each day and live. I feel for you. You have been so supportive here; thanks, Cookie

Katpilot: Thought you expressed things so well about your inner self and what you show the world; the thought about having a long-term disease. That is exactly how I feel. I keep waiting to just feel okay again and despair that it will be possible. The anxiety that I keep carrying around is really awful. Started about 6 months after John died, so I've had it constantly for about 6 months. Woke up today thinking, another day passed that I don't have to live anymore. So want to embrace life again and want to live it. I do find comfort here when I read things people like you write that are exactly how I'm feeling; then I don't feel so alone....bless you. Cookie

What happened Brad. Have been off for a while. Hope you are okay.....sending positive thoughts, Cookie

I agree!

Yes, very beautiful....

I am so sorry for both of you, Bill and Janka. Thanks for sharing Janka. It's been a year for me and I still have unbearable loneliness and anxiety. I would not wish it on anyone, but there is some small comfort in knowing I am not the only one feeling those things. Sometimes, you look around and everyone just seems to be going on with their lives in such a contented way and you feel very isolated. Anyway, hugs to you both....Cookie

So sorry for what you are going through BillT. It does hurt so much and I grit my teeth a lot. You are not alone; many of us know what this is. Hugs to you....Cookie

Gin: I too have that duality going on. Many days I just don't want to be here and wonder why I eat, exercise, etc. I almost decided to not get the preventive tests that I regularly go for, feeling why bother. Then, there is a tiny part of me that remembers how wonderful life can be. I had it with John. I know somewhere in my brain that I am capable of joy and I guess I decide to keep going, hoping there will be some contentment and enjoyment of life again. Then I will have many days where it seems impossible. It's very difficult to flip flop back and forth. Yes, being alone does make this harder. Thinking of you very warmly....Cookie

So sad for you because I feel a lot of the same things. You can't help but feel that, but you probably know that she wouldn't mind anything you did. She loved you and probably loves you still. Any of those changes hurt, though, I know. Every time I change something I always wonder what John would think and I just want him to be here to do it with me...warmly Cookie

Marg: So sorry about your troubles. The year before John died, my mother, who was 94, needed a lot of help and I would fly back and forth to California to take care of her. It was very lonely and John wasn't there with me, but for some reason just knowing he was on the earth and I could talk to him on the phone made all the difference. I so feel for you. Life's problems really complicate this grief thing; it's just a little too much sometimes. I'll be thinking of you; take care....warmly Cookie

Doing this with your family will make it so wonderful I hope and think.....Cookie

Thanks MartyT for saying this. I am constantly judging myself about how I'm doing; it's a constant dialogue in my head; one of the things that happens, though, is that as you get further out, even counselors start saying, maybe you should think about antiidepressants, making me feel like there is something wrong with feeling the way I do. It will be a year on June 13th and I still have so many dark days and anxiety, but I still function quite well, do everything, etc. I have a hard time accepting the way I feel and just letting things take their course. I feel like there are a lot of mixed messages. I really want to feel better.....

Sounds wonderful; have a great time.....Cookie

I actually didn't think he meant it for everyone; but I'm sorry that he feels that way about himself; hurting like this is so hard and I feel for him.....would give him a hug if I could.

One of the problems with grief is that you are trying so hard to focus on the present, but being human and in grief, the pain you feel interferes with that focus. Someone made mention of pity parties....ouch! I would not characterize struggling with the pain of grief as a pity party, but maybe I misinterpreted that. But, I realize I cannot judge for someone else. If someone feels like they are having a pity party, then that is their experience. I had read that it takes a long time of moving between the pain of the loss and focusing on moving forward to completely heal. I wish us all peace and grace in this process however we see it....warmly Cookie

I agree with the platitudes thing. Although they could be viewed as uplifting, they fall short because this is definitely not black and white in essence. Feelings are all over the place from moment to moment. I fall into the "emotional pit" quite often, even though I do so many things to feel better and "get on with it." I even obsessively chanted positive affirmations on a daily basis like it was job until I got exhausted with it and realized it wasn't helping. I think we all do get on with it, it's just that this particular thing called grief doesn't respond like anything else. I will keep on going, but trying to come to terms with those "emotional pits" that keep happening and are difficult to endure. I think the concept is fine and I'm not really knocking it, but I also think the danger in it is that it can let you down if you try to embrace it too strongly and in grief you are already so down. From my personal perspective, just simple loving, consistent support no matter how I'm feeling has touched me the most. Of course, whatever works for someone is a good thing for them...hugs to everyone, Cookie

So sorry to hear about this. Hope all goes well with Butch....cookie

Marg: I'm glad I didn't sound angry with you. I have a hard time these days with my perceptions of things and sometimes I can't tell how I'm coming off. I can relate to family problems on top of grief. My daughter has been staying with me since John died and was saying she wanted to support me, etc. Well, she is having a terrible time herself and it's expressing itself in anger, and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with her all the time. She is sweet in her way sometimes, but then she will become very depressed and angry. This is hard, as I love her and don't really know what to do. I try talking to her, but she gets really touchy if I do. It's making the grief thing harder and I wonder if I'm going to survive this too. Was wondering if anyone knew of one of the antidepressants that had the least side effects. I'm actually thinking about it, where I was so resistant to it before. My doctor had prescribed Paxil but I didn't take it because I have heard nothing but bad things about it except for the occasional person it works for. Doctors don't like to give you the facts. Anyway, I also would take what I want and come back later in regards to your move. Wishing you luck with that and wishing you peace and love....Cookie