Polly

I keep thinking about those 8 days that Rich was in the hospital and less than 24 hours in hospice. Sometimes I feel bad that I didn't stay with him longer than I did each day. I really thought that he dr's were going to figure out what was wrong and he would be ok. I feel bad that 2 of those days I didn't even go to the hospital. I was still going to work and Nicole was still going to school. The 2 days that I didn't go to the hospital was because I was just too exhausted. I keep thinking about the 7th day that he was in hospital. This was the day that Rich kept telling that he loved me. The days before this he really wasn't able to talk too much. This was the day that the dr. told me what was wrong with him. I was shocked and didn't cry in front of him. I remember leaving the hospital that evening and as soon as I got to my car, I lost it. Not even sure how I made that 45 minute drive home. I sat in the car in the garage and tried to pull myself together because I had to go inside and tell my daughter the bad news. Then I had to call my older daughter and tell her. I text messaged one of my sisters and told her to call and tell my mom for me. I just couldn't. The next day my older daughter drove 2 and a half hours to my house. I took the girls to the hospital. We spent all afternoon with Rich. He was in bad shape. He would every once in awhile try to say something to us. Sometimes we couldn't figure out what he was trying to say. That night we had him moved to hospice. We left around 5pm only because Jessi needed to drive back home and his son went and stayed with him until they moved him. The next day Nicole and I went to be with him. He wasn't awake that day at all. I do think he knew that we were there. I also think he waited for everyone else to leave and it was just Nicole and I with him when he passed. I still can't believe he is gone. I also wonder what our cats think. Rich always talked to them and they followed him around. I know they miss him as much as I do.

Hi Jgillen. Yes, holidays and birthdays are hard. Thanks. I'm trying. I just hate asking for help. So I usually just try to figure things out for myself. I'm usually pretty good at it. Thankfully my step son comes over every week and cuts the grass for me. I have no clue how to use that big mower. LOL! A few months ago I had told him that I didn't have a clue how to use it. He didn't hesitate. He told me that he would take care of the mowing.

Butch, I understand. I read a lot and sometimes just don't know what to say. I have never been good at writing. Sending you a hug.

Welcome Jgillen! I'm also so sorry for you loss. I also lost my husband suddenly a little over 6 months ago. I think all of us have asked why. I also will never forget the reaction from my youngest daughter who was 15 at the time when I came home from the hospital 2 days before Rich passed and had to tell her that there was nothing the dr's could do.

Gwen, I don't know who I am anymore either. I know I'm not the same person I was 6 and a half months ago. Just today, I told my boss, who is also my best friend, that I feel like I've lost my mind. I was in charge of the dept. this morning until my boss came in at 1pm. She asked me if I ordered something and I had no clue if I did or not. Like how can I not know. I just did the order a few hours earlier. That is so not like the old me. I had a breakdown last night when I went to bed. It came out of no where. It just hit me that Richard is really gone and not coming back. Just feels like a bad dream. We were so perfect together. He made me and my daughter laugh....all the time. He would say some the most random stuff. He was the most caring and kind person that I had ever met. He loved my 2 daughters like they were his own. Just not sure how I'm supposed to go on without him. My 16 year old daughter is also having a really hard time. I feel like I can't even help her because I can't even help myself.

I know what you mean. Last week when I cleaned the house really good and got all the laundry done in the same day, all I could think about was that Rich would have come home from work and told me how nice the house looked. Or when I fixed the front storm door, he would have told me that I did a good job.

This past Monday I decided to try to fix the front storm door. A few years ago we had some strong wind and it wouldn't stay shut. Richard tried to fix it but as unsuccessful. I thought about just trying to replace it but that is not so simple. We.....or I have a modular home. You just can't go to Lowes or Home Depot to get a new one. So I started to look around in Rich's things. Found a brand new door handle and chain. Found the broken closer part but no new one. Started with trying to replace the handle. Had to search for his drill bits to make it work. Managed to do it and got the chain on too. Had to buy a new closer and also bought a screen kit. Making the screen was not easy. had to find his hacksaw to cut the pieces. I was so proud that I got it all done. Tonight when I got home from work I decided I needed to start fixing the landscaping in the front of the house. I weeded it and put 5 bags of mulch down. Need to get more mulch to finish it. These were all the things that Rich always took care of. He loved taking care of that stuff. It sucks having to do all of this. Especially because all I think about while doing it is that this was his stuff to do. now I have to do it. Every time I have to take care of something that he used to do it makes me cry. Also tonight, Rich's son Kyle stopped over. I asked him if he wanted his dad's deer head. It was the big buck that he got many years ago. I felt that Kyle should have it. They hunted together every year. I think it made him really happy to take it home with him. I know Rich would want Kyle to have it.

Marg, Thanks so much for the laugh!!!! Now my cats are staring at me like I'm crazy! ok, well maybe I am a bit crazy. Hope you have a safe trip.

I really don't cook much anymore. It was never my favorite thing to do anyway. I did it for Richard. Now it's just me and Nicole and we just eat easy stuff most days. We don't even sit at the table anymore. I just can't. I eat in the livingroom and watch tv. Nicole usually eats in her bedroom.

Happy birthday Mitch! I felt the same way last month on my birthday. My family was great and surprised me with a birthday party. It was the big 50. All 6 of my sisters were there and their husbands and some of my nieces and nephews and my mom. I tried to enjoy it but all I kept thinking about was that Richard should be here and my dad. I agree, just wake me up from this nightmare!

Marg, I have been thinking the same thing lately. The first few months I had so many things happen that I knew Rich was here with me. Lately, nothing.

thanks Joyce and Kay. I actually had a really good time last night. One of my friends ending up not being able to go. So it was just my best friend and my friend that lives 2 hours away. My friend that lives 2 hours from me gets it. She lost her boyfriend 2 years ago. So we actually talked a lot about how things were going. It was actually good for us. I didn't have to put on my fake happy face. I could actually say what I was feeling.

It used to be one of Richards and I's favorites.

I have always loved that song. I love music. Mostly listen to country music now. It's all Richard listened to and he got me hooked.

It's only 11:30am and I'm ready to call it a day already. I have been crying since last night. Didn't get much sleep. Today is 6 months. It just hurts so bad. I'm so glad I took a personal day from work today. I feel like I can't function. So many thoughts going through my head. Trying to stay positive and strong but feel like I'm failing at that at the moment. I somehow need to pull it together before this evening. Three of my girlfriends and I are going to a concert tonight. When I bought these tickets I didn't realize what day this was on. I do know that Richard would be happy about me going. One of the last things that he said to me was, " Are you and Lisa going to a concert?" So this one is for him. We are meeting a little before the concert to have a drink. None of us are big drinkers but we are going to have one in honor of him.

Really having a hard time right now. These next 2 days are going to be really hard to get through. Tomorrow will be 2 years since my dad passed. Thursday will be 6 months for Richard. I miss them both so much. I'm also really worried about my 16 year old daughter. Yesterday a friend of hers passed away. She used to sit with this girl on the bus. She was so upset today that she didn't go to school. Thankfully tomorrow is her group grief support group day. Hopefully that will help her get through the day. I actually am taking a personal day on Thursday. I know there is no way I'm going to be able to function at work that day. Not sure how I'm going to get through work tomorrow.

Marg, I feel the same way. My mother-in-law has actually told me that I needed to find another man. Bless her. She really meant well. I think she just meant that I needed a man to help financially. The first time she said this to me I got upset. Like how could she be even thinking this. I ended up telling her that Richard treated me so well that there would never be anyone that would compare to him. I'm ok with being alone too. Yes, Richard would want me to be happy. I'm sure he would understand if I wanted to be with someone else, but I don't want to be with anyone else. Richard was my everything. He was the first guy that I was ever in love with that I trusted with all my heart. I know he felt the same way about me. My sister and I had his conversation a few months ago. Her husband has been gone for 6 years. She told me that she could never be with another man because she would feel like she was cheating on Jeff. I thought about that and I might feel the same way.

Patty, Love the poem. Thank you for sharing. I feel the same way right now. Just not sure how to go on or what to do. I'm a mess. I can hear Richard telling me that everything will work out. It always does, somehow.

I really am not sure Mitch. I was just sitting here thinking how 6 months ago today Richard was still here. Today was the 3rd day in the hospital with no answers to what was going on with him. That night before they transferred him to another hospital it was the 1st time in days that he held my hand and squeezed it and told me that he loved me. I remember leaving the hospital that night and thinking that everything would be ok. You see Richard would tell me how much he loved me many times everyday. He would text me everyday when he would get to work. It was usually the same text, "good morning my love. I love you so much honey." Then every break he would send me a text with I miss you my love. Most days he would post on my FB wall before he left for work with the same thing. I think I miss those little messages the most.

makes perfect sense, Mitch.

Patty, I know how you feel about the thought of losing your home. I was worried about that too. Rich didn't have a will so by law his son, my step-son is entitled to a small portion of the estate. Thank goodness my step-son is just like his dad. I was nervous to have the talk about it. He didn't hesitate, he looked at me and told me that he would never take this house away from me or anything that was in Rich's name only. He signed off so that I wouldn't lose anything. I told him he could have anything of his dads that he wanted. He is going to help me go through his dads things. He looks out for me. He makes sure the driveway gets plowed when it snows. He told me he will make sure the grass gets cut. If I need help with anything, all I have to do is call him and he will be right over. I feel so blessed to have him.

Hope it all went ok Patty. I'm sure you did fine.

LOVE Tim McGraw! And yes, it does make sense.

I've always been good at trying to do things on my own. Even if I don't know how. Thank goodness I do have my step son to help me if I need him. He is so much like his dad. He makes sure I'm ok all the time. Yesterday he saw nicole and I trying to get a bunch of stuff down to the end of the driveway for the trash man. He came right over and helped.

I was actually productive today. Well, I think I really over did it. It actually got up to 80f today. I spent most of the day outside. Doing a lot of things that Rich always took care of. I loved being outside in the sun but hated doing his stuff. Earlier this evening I was still out there. I was trying to cut back the shrubs that should have been done before winter but that was when things started happening with Rich so it never got done. Anyway, Rich's brothers backyard meets with my backyard. (he lives on the main road and I live on the side street) His brother was outside and I know he saw me struggling with this. Do you think he would come give me a hand? Do you think he even said hello? Nope, it was like I didn't even exist. It made me so mad. I'm now in a lot of pain. I have psoriatic arthritis and my hands are in so much pain from those stupid shrubs.