Widowedbysuicide

I sure don't plan to go to the moon, Mars or Antarctica anytime soon!

My experience has been that the panic attacks and anxiety have intensified since Gord died. He was my knight in shining coveralls who always said or did the right things to help stabilize me. My Paxil is up to 60 mg. from 40 mg. the Welbutrin has stayed the same and I have been using the Ativan more often. The Ativan helps with the increased severity and frequency of the anxiety since trying to manage everything on my own. I have been on the 60 mg. of Paxil in the past and then reduced it down to 20 mg. but most of the time I take 40 mg. I am also doing the work to try to manage my panic and anxiety. It's hard work doing that and trying to get through each day of my grief. I just am doing the best I can for myself with the tools and help that I have.

x 70 below zero? Brrrrrrr ?

I agree with you on all these points Mitch. We need to have the hope to find the happiness they want for us and the joy, although different, will surface eventually. The last line is what I keep repeating to myself.

I think I'm lucky because my worst moments are not at predictable times. I guess the down side is that if you aren't alone the majority of the time then outbursts could be more difficult. May you find peace when and where you need it.?

You are an inspiration George.

It is a relief to feel normal here. Elsewhere I am a freak that no one wants to see or hear. I am grateful for everything I receive here ?

There is so much love here. It is the best place to come when we are needing help or just want to blow off some steam.

Gin, I have so much respect for you and I wish for you the same peace and comfort that I am seeking.?

Thank you to everyone for their kindness and understanding. Since I don't expect life to become all sunny and warm just because I'm moving into the second year the overcast sky and -8 C weather is not a huge surprise or disappointment. I don't know what to expect for the remainder of the day but all of the understanding and kindness given here will certainly help me with each step I take. I don't know why my husband had to die to test my strengths. I do know my love for him has continued to grow.

Thinking of you all Butch.

Oh Butch I am so sorry. I will always have you and your family in my prayers.

At just a year I feel so terrified by my future. My husband was too good to me for so many years and in so many ways that I question how can anything less have any real meaning. My mother-in-law passed just a few weeks ago and all I could think of was that she was so fortunate to be joining my husband in heaven. What kind of brain feels jealous of someone else's death? Mine. I love what you have written Gwen. ?

Thanks Brad and Marty, your kindness means so much. Everyone on here has been so much more supportive and understanding than any of my non-cyber friends. Not only are the people here caring and truthful they are real. We are here for ourselves and each other and it is mutually beneficial in so many ways. The non-cyber friends/acquaintances/relatives all have their own agenda for what they can benefit from me and my 'unfortunate situation'.

I seem to be very lacking in patience in most everything in my life. Knowing that I'm not totally unusual sure helps. I think this is the anger that I haven't felt finally blowing... It does not feel good. I'm feeling like a sinking ship on this ocean of grief.

I hope you will find some peace soon. I too enjoyed the benefits of sleep at first. I wish it would be like that again. My husband's suicide was a year ago and yet it seems like it was forever ago then in the next moment it seems like it was just last night. I'm sorry that you are dealing with such a complicated grief. Take time to care for yourself.

I think looking ahead and seeing our lives being lived alone from our lost one(s) is the thing that is hardest to explain to someone who has never lost someone they truly love. You can't just say well imagine what it would be like .... They have no real form of reference with regard to never seeing that special person alive again; their special people are alive. Yesterday was 52 weeks for me. Tomorrow is the 5th of the month so that makes it a year. To those of you who have been widowed longer I must thank you for sharing what is in your minds and in your hearts. I pray for peace on earth for all of us. ?

Thank you so much for sharing your heart.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Butch. I like what Kay said about the strength of your family members. I think you all are amazing. ? Autocorrect is embarrassing me all the time. Sorry Kayc.

Thank you Gwen. Hugs

This was my year of firsts. Tonight is the anniversary of our engagement 37 years ago, Thursday will be the anniversary of my husband's suicide. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't care.

2016 has been a year full of losses and I pray that I never have another year like it. In January my husband suicided and within a few days our Katie Cat passed away in her sleep. The ground was too frozen to bury her for several days. Her partner cat, Huckleberry has finally figured out that Katie isn't coming back. In February I found a deceased cat near my driveway. He was a beautiful young chocolate point Siamese. I could not locate his owners and took him to the SPCA in the hopes someone would claim him. In September I had to euthanize my Standardbred gelding Dakota. He was injured and I didn't want him to suffer. My mare, Kachina, would have been too lonely so I have a nice younger horse here to keep her happy. Just about 2 weeks ago my mother-in-law passed away after a surgery and then I found one of my barn cats had passed. So much loss. I really can't get into the spirit of Christmas this year. Goodbye my beloved family. I hope you are all together in heaven.

Happy Birthday from the frozen north.

Awesomely great news! Thanks Kay. Christmas might be merry after all.

Dear Butch please know that you and your beloved family are in my prayers. Also, since I can't have my husband back, my Christmas Wish is for your family to heal and forever be healthy.