Widowedbysuicide

Hugs for you Butch. Praying for you all. your little beauty is a joy to see

It's my first Christmas as well. My plan is no plan. I was getting really anxious when I thought about how to celebrate without him. So for my son and I we are going to do what feels right as the moments come. There is no stress in this for me and I am relieved that I can just go with the flow. I hope you will find some peace this year of firsts Finch. I wish there was that magic wand option to change things... I will think of you this season and pray for comfort for you. As a child my husband's family had Christmas dinner with my family. 50 Christmases. And New Years Eve was special as he proposed 37 years ago. January 5th will be the 1st anniversary of his suicide. They say not to base your memory of your loved one on how they died. I chose to remember that he did chose to go. I can not be angry that he felt he needed to die, I am sorry beyond belief. My Gord was a quiet man who was a gentleman in every sense of the word. I will love him forever.

Thanks for sharing your good news. I'm truly happy that you are able to be doing what you are. You are brave and smart. I wish you continued good connections with D's family and some happiness in your life.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in January and I feel like it was a lifetime ago at some times and at other times it is like it was yesterday. Welcome to a place of safety and understanding. You can come here and find others, who have been where you are, who will offer you encouragement and will listen with compassionate ears. You have a lot on your plate right now and I hope you will find help with all of it very soon. Marita

I'm sending prayers for each one of your family Butch. I pray that the Creator will give Katie the strength to hold on to her life. I wish I could do something more for all of you.

Hello Finch, Like Kay, I'm sorry you've been having really hard days. It sometimes seems as if just when you start to feel a tiny bit more accepting of the loss you get slammed backwards at 100 miles an hour. I have noticed that the slamming is still very harsh but the hard time seems to be a bit shorter. As with anything in life nothing stays the same for long. Our good times often had great moments and moments that were unspectacular, it is the same with grief for me with the ups and downs. It is growth/progress or the natural order of things I think. May you find some peace and comfort.

Mitch, my heart is breaking for both of us. I also feel most of what you describe. This is my first year and I am afraid of how difficult it will be. Many of us on here admire you and your honesty and realness. You matter more than you know.

She is a beautiful girl. I'm sending prayers for Butch and family. Thank you Kay for sending us this picture of joy

I'm wishing you all the very best. When you find someone who wants to treat you the way you have lived and loved I will see new stars in the sky. Some lucky lady is going to be thrilled to be your 'gal'.

Mitch I have to say that you have done more for me than I can say. When I start to have the dark feelings or the fear, I look for your posts. I read and reread them all the time. Your kindness in sharing your heartfelt thoughts and feelings gives me hope, stability, and reassures me that 'this' is normal. I wish I could give you the peace you have given me. I hate the situation of my loving husband being gone from earth forever. Like you I dream of being reunited. Thank you for your wisdom, thoughtfulness, and sincerity. You have been an invisible shoulder for me to cry on.

Hi Finch, I sure hope you are feeling less anxious. For me the physical pain of anxiety, the adrenaline pounding through my body makes me ache for hours. I end up overtired and jittery at the same time. I would hope this is not how you are feeling. It's too debilitating. I personally have not had good past experiences with mediums. It was something like your face to face experience - information was off just enough to make me question what was true in my memory. Ultimately, I did see this person again about 10 months later as a gift from a friend, and she was still off and what she was telling me was all about death and sadness. That was 29 years ago and I think I'm cured from trying it again. Two bad experiences that unsettled me for several years... waiting for family and friends to die.... that was awful. I kept watching for things that were not there and then I eventually realized that all that negative thinking did nothing good. I'm not suggesting that I know any better than you, and I'm not saying you need to give it up. I just wanted to let you know that I respect you and want your experiences in life to be better than mine. Take care my friend.

Thinking of you Mitch. You have given me so much hope in my time of sadness and I wish I could offer you some hope for your journey too.

I'm hoping the days are getting better for you. Hugs to you.

George I'm so sorry that you are having the recurring struggle. I know that I'm not as far along on this journey but the same kinds of things are happening with me. Your thoughts and writings are greatly appreciated. It helps to know that what is happening isn't unusual. Please take care of yourself. This community cares about you and we need you.

Thanks for the reply Finch. I really enjoyed the smiles I had from your fun message. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We all need someone to be cheering for us.

It's a great picture! You are him and he is you... I like that.

Butch my thoughts and prayers are for you and your family. You all have had so much sadness to deal with. I can not imagine what you are thinking and feeling. I am truly sorry that you have so many family members that have gone to Heaven in such a short period of time. I can understand the emotional aspects of losing parents and a spouse, and that is very painful, but to lose your darling grandchildren before getting to meet and know them is very tragic. My heart goes out to you and Allen and Katie and to the boys and of course to your beautiful miracle baby too.

@Gin I'm sorry that this is a difficult time for you. It stinks that life is so cruel when it comes to grief. Hopefully you will find a distraction in volunteering. I look forward to hearing what you decide to do. The short days in our temperate rainforest isn't very exciting. By the way, I like your listed interests too. Perhaps you could give me some quilting advice... Colours are hard for me. Sending you hugs and wishes for better times to come.

Hi Finch. It's good to know that you aren't totally alone on this journey. I don't have much support from friends or family so I am very, very thankful for the wonderful folks on here. I can understand how you are missing your Crystal. It isn't fair for any of us here. I hope you have success with the new councellor. I'm sending you best wishes too. I will have to find where you are on a map. If I ever get over that way I can wave as I fly over. I have family in Scotland, England, and France. I hope to make a trip in the next 5 years. Our weather forecast is not anything to look forward to. More rain. Much of my property is underwater right now. Thank goodness that at least the buildings are still on dry land. One of my horses hates water so watching her try to maneuver around out in the field is entertaining anyway. I'm doing a couple of mental health courses right now and I'm almost too busy with it. Some is good but some is a real struggle for me. Mindfulness is one that I go to weekly for 1 1/2 hours, we did chair yoga yesterday and so I'm kind of broken today. My body made popping and snapping sounds with some of the movements and my sternum was the worst!! It hurt but the sound was so loud that I burst out laughing. Tomorrow I go for Reiki and that is peaceful. The other mental health thing I'm doing is on line and it is to help with anxiety and depression. I might be doing too much because I'm having to stifle my grief to be able to do the other stuff... Time will tell I guess. Thanks for listening. If you happen to be having tea with the Queen please let her know that I am impressed that she still rides I hope you got a smile from that thought. Be well my friend.

I just want to say that Marty is right. You matter to us and we don't think you are weird or strange in your tastes, or in other ways either. I hope today went well. I'm in BC and yes, it is dark too early I have to use the Braille method of picking horse poop! . It's really crappy when I trip and land in it... yes, it does happen occasionally.

Sending you hugs and feeling glad for your feelings of joy.

I'm so glad to hear your good news! I can imagine the huge relief you are feeling. Sometimes we don't have a clue of how stressed our minds and bodies get until the moment that the stress is removed. Good for you! It's wonderful to feel joy for you!

I am thinking of you Mitch and hoping you will find some peace in the knowledge that you and Tammy will be in love forever.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know the devastation of losing a life long love too. It is 10 months since my husband died. Welcome to the greatest group of people ever. There are no wrong ways to start on here. You are what is important, not your ability to write on here in a particular style or order. We all have been where you are and recognize how difficult the beginning is. There are no judgements here. This is a safe place to come to work through things, ask questions, and read what others have experienced. I welcome you with genuine care and at the same time with great sadness for you because of the loss of your wife. Marita

So true @Marie Lee. I wish I knew how to enlighten people in a positive way. It would sure make the lives of the grieving less stressful. I am still carrying anger about the way some so called friends and family have dismissed my existence. I hope to become less angry and more okay with it and start moving on with new friendships.