Widowedbysuicide

I have been on antidepressant medications for about 25 years. In that time I have tried to change medications because of possible side effects and I have tried to wean off the meds. I feel that I cope better when I am taking them. A friend that uses alcohol daily as self-medication has tried to convince me that I am no better now than I was before meds. It's good that he can not read minds... He doesn't know what really goes on in my mind, my heart, or my life to be able to make that judgement. I have also continued to seek help with the problems that have plagued me for many years. I think for me that seeing a counselor and taking classes on such things as relaxation, mindfulness, and using medications has helped me to live a more productive life with better coping skills. There are no miracle medications that make life 100% fantastic. If you have meds that do that I think there is a problem. Mine just help me function better. I am less anxious and feel better about most things in my life. I still get down but it doesn't get as bad or last as long. I am still me but in a version 2.0 instead of 0.1. Whatever you decide to do I recommend that you talk about it as much as possible. Let your doctor and therapists know how you are doing. Ask questions and maybe try journaling. It often takes some time before your medication is working and you may have a lot of adjusting to dosages to get it right, it is important to know that and to be aware of how you are feeling. I hope that you will find someone that can help you with making decisions about if you should or shouldn't take meds and that you will soon be feeling better.

I'm just so sorry that life is so unfair and so painful. I believe we each have times that are nearly unbearable and I only hope that soon some tranquility will replace the deep despair each one is suffering.

Dear God please give Noah a miracle. Praying for you and your family Butch.

I'm jumping for joy for you Finch. It must be incredible to feel her love through her voice.

❤hugs to you all.

There is no need to be sorry. Much of what we feel while grieving is uncomfortable to talk about but that is why this forum is the right place to come. Everyone here is at a different place in their journey but chances are if we haven't felt the way you do right now we will feel it in the future. There are no judgements here. Encouragement and understanding is given with the hopes of letting you know that you will ever be alone here. We each march to a different drummer but the love song is the same. We come and go here. Sometimes posting a lot, sometimes just reading and feeling our grief.i You don't need to act as though everything is sunny and ok because lots of the time it isn't. I can understand what you are saying as I have days where I feel like giving up too. Be kind to yourself. You don't have to be perfect here.

I'm so so sorry Finch. ?. Do not blame yourself for the messages going kafluee. We each carry too much pain without taking on more. I'm thinking you must have felt like it was a miracle to find the messages. Maybe that was Crystal's miracle gift for you to treasure in your heart and in your memories.

Thinking of you AB. Sometimes the hardest things we must do are those things we need most. ?

That is the truth. ? be kind to yourself Gin.

I don't like to complain. I like to be able to work out my own prolems. I have been trying too hard. I can not fix the problems of before at the same time I'm trying to fix my current problems. I need a mental vacation. I think I will pay for it later, but tonight I need to be someone other than the current me. I'm drinking wine and getting less intense and less stressed. I'm just really do dissatisfied with life...

Thanks for the kindness George. I so hear you with the guilt about caring for ourselves part. That is why I find myself overwhelmed and depressed. I can't seem to say no to anyone but myself... Thanks for the link Marty

Thank you Ana. ?

Thank you Marie Lee. ?

Veronica in Boston I'm interested in taking your survey, along with my son. I would like to be able to read the questions first and have the opportunity to think about my answers. Without the six digit code I am not able to go beyond the first three questions. I would also be interested in reading your dissertation if that would be possible. You may reply here through Marty or have her reply to me in a personal message on here.

Why do we have to be politically correct? Who made the rules? Isn't it enough that we are suffering each and every day since our loved one died? Knowing that whatever the future holds we will not be together with our partners as we were here on earth. I have a hard time believing that what is to come will be heaven on earth but that is my pessimistic way. If my luck wasn't bad I would not have any luck at all. Sorry for the rant - today I had a sister-in-law ask and answer ignorant and hurtful questions. I just wonder why I feel that I haven't suffered enough and I need to deal with the abusiveness in a graceful manner. Today I wasn't so kind because I couldn't handle the increased pain. ...well I don't know why you still feel that way.... like I want to pull the covers over my head, go to sleep and never wake up. It's because the good memories are fainter than I would like, they almost let me feel happy but the horrible memories are more recent and very vivid. ...Well maybe you can talk to someone about it... I have talked to a grief therapist. Didn't it help?... Help what... I'm grieving, it's not something that can be fixed or ignored, this is my life right now. I get up every morning wishing he was here with me and at night I go to bed wishing that I could join him soon. Thinking of his suicide and the despair he must have been feeling will haunt me until they don't haunt me. I know it was her brother. I know she is grieving too. Her grief doesn't involve being his life partner for 35+ years and having a child with him. Her grief is for a person that she didn't really know as she visited only every few years and saw only what he allowed her to see. I do need some help, learning how to put myself first is the most important thing right now. My husband's family have never made me feel as a part of the family, but since his death a year ago and the recent death of his mother in December, the feelings of rejection and disapproval have multiplied ten fold. How can I forgive them for my years and years of feeling unworthy and inadequate due to their thoughtlessness and cruel treatment of me? Do I have to forgive and forget in order to heal? Having reread this post I want to delete it but I know that for myself I need to get it out. Thanks for listening/reading.

It's really a shame that there isn't the same compassion in the 'outside world' as there is here. I don't believe that we each had to lose our soul mate to be a compassionate person so I have a difficult time trying to comprehend the behaviours of the 'outside world' people. Thank you all so much for making a world where I can be me and not feel wrong most of the time.

I would really like to rant against my husband's family and their abuse of my photos and remeberances of my husband. It is totally shocking to see these things posted on their pages with no consideration of how my son and I are affected. If it was not that I have a business type page and a connection with family overseas I would delete my account. AB3 I have days like the ones you are describing. It comes and goes at irregular intervals but it seems to be less intense now after just over a year. I hope you will find a few moments of interest that become longer and longer. ? we have to take the waves as they come and do what we can to keep afloat. Hugs to you

Sorry you are having that part of grief where you feel that void. I'm not there but I can understand your need. Do not apologize for being human. ?

Butch, I wish you weren't suffering so much. My heart is breaking for you.

Great news! I'm thrilled to think you can fly George!

Hi Darrel, It was a decent day for me too. I got a lot accomplished and didn't get stressed out. If there was a little fun thrown in I certainly would have felt blessed.

❤

My list of interested/caring friends or family are so small it doesn't count as a list. Even at Christmas his family made no effort to ask about my son, their blood relative. I am becoming so embittered but I can't help it. Gord's suicide/death was the worst thing that has ever happened in my life and this life after just plain doesn't cut it. Someday I hope I will have the energy and the desire to put some new friends in the void of my life.

Enna you have very eloquently written the feelngs many of us here have in our hearts for Butch. Thank you. Take care Butch. We all have our thoughts and feelings for you and your family, but especially for you dear man, today.

I wish you all the best on whatever you decide Marie. We all know that life is precious and can be too very short, if you can find someone who makes you happy I say good for you.