Widowedbysuicide

So sorry you are having one of those big grief storms. I wish there was something that I could say to ease some of your suffering. If your grief is as deep as your love for Tammy is I believe that what you are feeling is nearly crippling you. I don't understand why this part of life is so cruel. I pray that Tammy's love for you will soon be more evident in your life and with it the comfort and peace you deserve. I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers Mitch.

Thank you alittlelost. Yesterday was a hard one as it was for my mother-in-law who passed last week. I had not seen most of the people there since before my husband's death. I feel like I am starting over with the shock and devastation of his suicide. I want to put 2016 in the past and I truly hope 2017 will be less traumatic and more settled for me and every one else.

Finch if you were not the person you are with all your good points and with your class you might never have even met Crystal on the internet. She felt love for you as she knew you and you loved her as you knew her. If we could go back in time to have a do-over there is no guarantee it would work out any differently. The what if and the if only thoughts are torture I know. The suggestion of starting a new relationship is not appealing to me, yet that is what I wanted my husband to do as I was convinced I would go first. I know that I cannot live alone for the rest of my life, I would either and die on my own. At some point I might meet someone who I care for and who cares for me. Then I will have to make a decision. I don't believe that this would be disrespectful to my husband. Until then my Gord is my husband. He will always be in my heart and in my life. He lives on as he is within our son. Take care of yourself my friend.

I understand your desire to wake-up when it's over. I feel that way often.

Take care Gin. Thinking of you at this frightening time and hoping you will find some peace soon. I am wishing for a Christmas miracle for all of us.

You are so strong Butch. I wish I could have half of your stamina. I'm so happy that Noah is doing better. I continue to pray for you all.

I can understand what you are saying and like you I hope there is something good in our futures.

Hi alittlelost, You certainly have been surrounded by more death and grief in your life than I have. I don't know how you manage to be creative when grieving is such a big part of your life. I found this is a safe place to come and let your grief out. It's great to learn that most of the behaviours and feelings that concern us are quite natural during times of grief. It's also wonderful not be judged and to feel less alone. I am interested in learning about your art. I so miss feeling able to create something. I am a fabric collector, only because I keep buying but not sewing. It seems all is great and beautiful in the store but when I get it home the patterns, prints and colours do not give me the same feeling and then I lose interest and put it away. I want that feeling that I used to get. There seems to be a short circuit in my brain since my husband died in January. We had known each other almost 50 years. His cat (12 yrs old) passed in that same week. In September I had to have my horse euthanized: I'd had him 10 years. My mother-in-law of 37 years died last week. It has compounded the grief, bring everything back to that very raw feeling. Her memorial tea is next Monday and I really don't think I can to it. Today I was shopping and I purchased special tree ornaments for my son. They are to commemorate his Dad and his Grandmother. I realised then how many of my very small family are gone. It did bring me to tears right there in the store. Our animals were loved as a part of our family too. For those that have gone I hope they are reconnected in heaven and are happy being together again. I'm sorry you have had so much loss in this past year. It is good that you are being kind to yourself. I also hope your cancer disappears. Wishing you some comfort at this time and in the future... Marita

All the best on this joyful addition to your heart.

You and your family will be in my prayers again tonight.

Finch please continue to come here to work through your thoughts. There have been several very sound suggestions here and you are an intelligent man so I believe this process works well for you. It's a safe and sensible way of talking through it. Take care friend.

Praying for you all.

Take care Gin. Thinking of you at this frightening time and hoping you will find some peace soon.

George you and your sister are in my prayers during this difficult time. Hoping you can find some comfort in knowing you were so deeply loved by your bride.

Kay, you are so very dear. Thank you for your posts and comments past and present. Your story helped me understand many things. I wish you were right about my in law family. Maybe there will be a miracle and they will understand. Actually, I want Butch to have a miracle.

Thank you George. I haven't been very active here for some time. I'm sad to see that there is so much pain being suffered by so many on here. My iPad was recently damaged and I lost my passwords. It made me realize that my understanding friends are here. I missed being here. Dec. 5th marked 11 months with a broken heart. I'm not looking forward to the next month as it will be so many of my firsts all in a short time. I'm no closer to knowing why Gord chose to end his life. I want to live not just exist. Yesterday my mother in law passed away and I had to face the family again. They have no idea how much pain I have and they are not interested. In speaking to my mother in law's body I could only say that she would be seeing my husband before I would, before I got so choked up I couldn't speak. There were three family members with their parners there and not one made any effort to comfort my son or myself. Now I'm thrown back to last Jan. 5th and I am so lost, broken, and alone. My heart breaks for my son and I am worried about his ability to cope with another death of someone he loved. There is no one here on this forum without pain. I am sorry for everyone. I just wish that there will be peace here on earth and that God will look upon us all and help provide some healing, and comfort. Prayers for all, but extra prayers for Butch and family.

I agree with all my heart.

Thank you for your kindness Brad. Wishing you peace and comfort.

Finch I think you are working hard at this grief. It is not an easy journey and there are many set backs. I understand where you are at in your thinking. Yes, you need to talk about it until you feel like you don't need to. And, you are coming to terms with grief. I have found I have these times where I don't know how much I can take. Eventually the time passes and I feel a little more settled. The setbacks still get me. Today is 11 months for me and most days I don't feel like I'm progressing. I guess it will take as long as it takes. Take care Finch. Thinking of you.

I can understand your torment. I re-run Gord's last days too. I did it constantly at first and I was looking for the key that would explain why. It is true torture. Nothing has made me feel better or solved the why. I wish you some peace Finch. This journey is certainly not easy. I think we need to take every opportunity to find comfort, peace and joy. Nothing will ever be the same but we can find some joy in our great memories. Thinking of you always.

This is truly awesome! Thanks again.

Thank you my true friends.

I am approaching the 11 month mark. When I feel bad, I feel more pain than I think I can take. But, eventually that unbearable agony subsides to an aching heart. I can't truthfully say that it has gotten any better because in those hours/days of despair I don't want to live. During the rest of the time I feel incomplete and afraid. I guess that since there are less days of the agony and despair and more days that are tolerable it is better. But, it has to get better than this. To exist is not living. I imagine that I might survive for another 20 years or more (parents lived into their 90's) and I really, really get depressed with the thought that this is as good as it will ever get. Classes in mindfulness, yoga, reiki, understanding depression, and attending grief counselling is all very tiring. Trying to manage 5 acres in the wet coast of BC is taking its toll too. 29 days of October we had rain. This month we have had the wind and the rain. I hope that we don't get snow. My tractor is still broken. All I seem to do is tear open my heart and my mind to try to make sense of who I am and what I am doing. I'm working really hard and I just hope I will find something to help me keep taking that next step forward. I don't feel the good feelings of life and I am discouraged with nothing to look forward to. When I come here I can 'spill'. Then I can digest what I've written and try to find my way. Comments are gratefully accepted and help me to feel less alone and less like I'm adrift in the ocean of grief with no hope of any kind.

Thank you. My condolences to you also. Life sure isn't fair and grieving isn't easy. I hope you continue to have someone to talk with.

I feel and understand your pain. My husband of 35+ years has been gone since January and I too am lost. The need for friendship with people who understand is immense for me. I live in a small community and feel the need to search a dating site also. What I want and need is a friend. Just someone to talk to and spend time with. I've never felt this alone before. I don't think it is wrong if it is what you want to do. No one has the right to judge you. I'm glad you have found someone who you can relax and talk with. Marita