Brad

Scary times for sure. Welcome home and glad you are safe.

Joyce - So happy you made it through the storms. It's good to see you back.

Brighty is a favorite of mine and my kids. If I'm going to the National Park I far prefer the North Rim, far less congested and, in my opinion, much more spectacular views. Deedo and I spent many afternoons sitting on the patio, sipping cocktails, watching the colors of the canyon change. Occasionally there would be thunder storms along the South Rim and then the view and the sounds would become beyond belief. When possible we would book cabin 360. It is right on the lip of the Rim closest to the lodge. Karen, I really hope you are feeling better and if not, please take Steve up on his offer.

Thanks so much Marty but I'd need to condense it down to the joy I found in watching a thirteen year-old boy discover the thrill of wading up a cascading stream and the adrenaline rush from his first time jumping off a cliff into a churning pool. It was rejuvenating seeing the canyon and falls through his eyes. For that matter it was exciting seeing the canyon through the eyes of my daughter and her husband and the rest of the party as they were virgins to Havasupai as well.

For you Janka -

Dropped my son and his girlfriend at the airport and jumped on the 202 for the three hour drive home. After five days of laughter, adventure and companionship, the emptiness of the car and the Passenger Airbag Off sign; a constant reminder of how viciously cancer ravaged her body, was all that much more accentuated. Then walking into an empty house with so many tales to share and no one to share them with. Loneliness. I will once more need to acclimate to being with myself. I do enjoy my alone time; simply wish I didn't have so much thesse days. So grateful for the time I had. So wishing she were here to hear all about the antics and exploits of her children and grandchildren.

Karen - I am so sorry. Hugs to you. It is hard enough being sick without the added burden of grief and so missing the one who would baby us through our illness.

“Love is not the whole of a man’s life. I was happy before I ever met H. I’ve plenty of what are called ‘resources’. People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace.” Excerpt From: Lewis, C.S. “A Grief Observed.” i The distance between the brain and the heart for me seems to be light years. I find I can face my grief with a modicum of logic: death is as common as birth; others face grief and manage to move forward. But then I see, in my minds eye, her laugh, her smile, her childishness, the girl who never grew up, and I'm thrust back to the breaking heart.

There are tour companies that provide group tours and several singles take these. The hike is a challenge; not for sissies. You are either hiking straight up or straight down, there is very little of anything resembling level. I've been hiking A LOT the past year and I am very sore. Good news is you can take either helicopter or horse into the village but that just gets you to the village. Getting to the falls is a different story. Mooney Falls, the tallest, requires a breathtaking but challenging (dangerous) 200 foot descent, part through a tunnel carved in the cliff, the rest down the face of the cliff. Chains and foot holds are carved in the wall and a ladder helps with the last twenty feet.

Kay- The Grand Canyon is being carved by the Colorado River and has been for millions of years. Lots of pretty intense white water rafting there. Where I'm at is on the Havasupai reservation, a small tribe who lives at the bottom of the southern tip of the Canyon. Three ways in: hike ten miles with a 4,000 foot drop in elevation, take a horse in, or take a helicopter in. The river starts as a spring. The water picks up a lot of minerals and carbonates as it passes through the rocks above so it is a unique and beautiful turquoise color. Sadly leaving today; got to get a early start as the last two miles will involve a climb of 2,600 feet and my old legs are already yelling at me.

Happy Birthday little lady. Wishing you peace and happiness today and if you can only have one let it be peace.

"Desert Solitaire" was my bible back in college. Growing up in Utah the southern deserts of Utah, especially Escalante, Moab and Canyonlands/Arches parks as well as the northern Arizona deserts were our late Autumn and Spring time stomping grounds. Edward Albee was my hero. Back in his day he probably swam in pools similar to this but not this one. Flash floods are constantly changing the course of the river here in the Havasupai reservation. Prior to August 2010 Upper Navajo Falls was one waterfall, now it is two and this waterfall was created and pool was created. Spent all day today swimming in many similar pools while hiking fourteen miles, most of it through the river, taking in all five waterfalls on the Havasupai reservation. My body is sore and bruised but my spirit soars.

Happy Birthday Kay. You deserve the best.

Greetings from the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I am grateful to have a time to share this amazing experience with my kids and my oldest grandson.

Wow!!! I had no idea but what a powerful woman.

I was so glad to see Erinn at the auction. You have an incredible sister, Steve.

Marg - this is exactly what this discussion is for: to post whatever we feel we need to say without worry of straying off topic. Sometimes rambling is all we are capable of and coherent thought be damned. Steve - I find myself embracing those moments of joy as well as those of tears. Joy, especially when brought on by the grandkiddos, shows me that I am progressing through my grief; a year ago they brought on such bitter-sweet feelings, now they are simply joy and elation. Tears are more voluntary now and far more cathartic than debilitating. They remind me of all I had and all I have to be grateful for. And, like you Steve, I too never want to be free of my tears; but then I've always been a crybaby, the curse of being the only boy in a family of six children.

Thinking about you today, Gin. What a difficult milestone you have reached. I am glad you are getting out; I need to become more social. Problem is I still treasure my alone time.

Congratulations and I love your sign off.

SoLost - So sorry you have need to join us. You have so much to deal with but know that you are among people that understand your pain. I hope you have found a good grievance counselor. Since you are on Prozac I'm guessing you are seeing a therapist; maybe they can recommend a good greivance counselor. I would assume that there are few you can turn to when you need to vent. We are here for you. Please visit often.

I also agree. My greatest fear now is dementia or a stroke that doesn't kill me just leaves me unable to care for myself. That idea terrifies me. I still doubt I will live to see seventy but then I didn't think I would see forty, and then I knew I wouldn't see fifty, and was absolutely positive I would not see sixty. So we know why I stay away from all forms of betting including the stock market.

Missing- So glad you found us here. There are so many wonderful and caring people who are more than willing to give you a shoulder to cry on. Losing someone so close is so devastating. I understand your pain. My life, like yours, is no longer my own. Actually, my life is my own and that, for me, is a big problem because I am not ready to have it be my own. I still want my life to be our life. I want to share with her and she with me. I don't know that it will help but for my wife's Celebration of Life my kids ended it with a quote from Winnie the Pooh:

Yes Cookie and Marg; I am back from a rather strang and selfish journey. Thanks all for the warm welcome. I felt as if I needed to change perspectives and priorities. I've spent time traveling around, taking Deedo's cremains to places that were important to us. Instead of leaving them all at one place, I prefer to see our life together as a series of chapters, each with its own significance. So she is where we had our first kiss, where we got engaged, where we got married, our favorite trails, Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland, the backyard she loved so much. Next Summer I'll take her back to Europe and the places she loved so much before we met and then down to the Caribbean the following Spring. So much of what I am struggling with now involves knowing I need to reframe my thinking from us to me. When I work in the yard I still think I am doing things for her. It is her yard. It has been her yard for twenty-nine years now. Granted I landscaped it, but I did it for her. I wanted to give her a show piece she would treasure and she did. Now when I'm out there working I am trying so hard to realize that I am no longer planting bulbs for her but I am planting them for me. Maybe someday I will find joy and satisfaction in what I've accomplished for me. Or maybe I should just let it all go and keep hiking. It is so hard to understand that I can let her go without having to say goodbye. I do need to let her go and move forward. I just don't know how. Speaking of hiking, I'm headed back to Havasupai with the adult kids (well, six adults and a 13 y.o.) Leaving Wednesday and am very excited. Only issue is I injured my Achilles tendon four weeks ago hiking Fossil Springs and it is so slow to heal. I'll be the slow poke. This trip will put me in excess of 3,000 miles in the fourteen plus months since Deedo died. Reflecting back on the past fourteen months I see that I am stronger than I was. I still cry a lot. I have found for me meditation helpful; especially times when I focus on gratitude. I still struggle with those unwanted mind videos of the last months...weeks...days...hours... but am slowly replacing them with happier memories when I catch myself going into those darker places. I didn't realize how lonely I've become until I met a friend for dinner. Her husband is in a care facility with advanced Alzheimers. We met at five and a short time later the manager asked us if we wanted to take care of the bill as they were closing. We had talked nonstop for five hours. Sorry for the rambling - this is what happens when you bottle things up for three months.

This popped up on a meditation app I use and while I do appreciate the message, particularly how it applies to me, it is so damned hard to want to start a new chapter when the last thirty-seven were so incredibly wonderful.