Brad

Over the past week, I've seen a few of Deedo's friends whom I have not seen since she got sick. I've chatted with all of them and yet not a single one has asked how I am coping or acknowledged that she is gone. We live in a culture that does not know how to deal with death.

Love listening to Andre Boticelli mostly because the lyrics are primarily in Italian and I can't understand what he's singing about. The songs could all be tear-jerkers and if I don't understand it then it's okay by me.

Marg - I am one who does find peace in both pictures of Deedo and music; generally. Today I was getting ready to start out on my hike when a song I had recently downloaded came on, the first time I heard it. It is on Barbra Streisand's Encore album (who doesn't like Babs?) The song is a duet with Chris Pine (who knew he sings?) It is a medley of "I'll Be Seeing You" and "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face". Needless to say it took a bit for me to pick myself off the floor and compose myself enough to leave the house. Maybe if I listen to it another hundred times I might desensitize myself to how I now interpret the lyrics.

Ana - I don't know that it is "just a daydream"; at least I hope not. While it may not be on Earth, I do believe that we will be together again. I like to think that after our time on Earth there are many, many other worlds to explore and that maybe they are a graduated learning environment (the teacher in me). With an estimated three septillion solar systems in our known universe (in comparison there are an estimated 7.5 quintillion grains of sand on Earth), to me it makes sense that we travel time continuums, with our soulmates, learning as we go along. I really hope that the next world will teach man how to peacefully coexist with each other because after six million years of humanoids and 200,000 years as homosapiens we still have not figured that one out.

Ana - I am sorry that the widows/widowers you talk to aren't more comforting. I personally seek out widows/widowers as I find they generally really understand what I am going through. I really must be a cultural thing. I do believe it does get better and I have been told as much here, BUT that was not what I needed. I needed to hear how to make it better. Typically when I hear the comments about how it is good I'm "on the right side of the dirt", "life is a gift to be treasured" "life goes on" "it is time to move on"; they are coming from people who haven't really experienced the depth of loss that we have. I, too, have become very adroit at redirecting conversations. It is more of a challenge to find those who I can truly converse with. I've mentioned the friend whose husband is late stage Alzheimer's. We've met twice in the past couple of months, the first time for dinner that turned into a five hour conversation and the second an eight hour hike. Both times we both opened up and talked nearly non-stop about our grief. That was about as healing of an experience as I have had. I love this site and I love my support group and grief counselor but with them thoughts and ideas are short snippets where as long, uninterupted interactions really allowed us both to delve deeply into our thoughts, fears, pains; our grief.

I am amazed - six months! At six months I couldn't speak without breaking down. I still struggle to keep tears at bay at fifteen months.

Polly - Deedo, too, loved trains. Her family were train people and she loved taking scenic rides here in Arizona. What a fitting tribute to Richard; I hope it brings you comfort. BTW I love the title Angelversary!!

Just for clarification: a recent Pew Poll showed 70.6% of Americans identifying as Christian and 25.4% of them as Evangelical Christians with Catholics at 20.8% and Mainline Protestants coming in third at 14.7%. It has been my personal experience that Evangelical Christians are more interested in religious pedagogy than other religions. I fail to see where Christians are singled out, certainly not in my neighborhood where the battle is not Christians versus the World but Evangelicals versus Mormons versus Jehovah Witnesses.

Ana - Sadly the truth is not what most people want to hear from us. People want to hear that we are doing okay. For me it really depends on what kind of relationship I have with the person asking how I am. Most people really don't want to know so I tell them I am okay, I have been much better but I am doing okay. If I am close to that person, or if that person has lost a loved one then I open up and we honestly share all of our tribulations and challenges. I know for me loneliness is a battle. Finding people my age who are as active as I am is a challenge. Sadly I don't play golf and have little interest in learning and if you are retired and living in Arizona that's what you do.

Butch - it's okay to be happy. God knows we spend enough time in misery and pain. And if grandkiddies can't bring smiles and joy then what can? Getting wrapped up in family is what we did before our wives died and that provides a valuable respite now they are gone.

Frussell - I am so sorry for what you are going through. My wife of thirty-seven years died on July 29, 2015 after a seventeen month battle with lung cancer. Ten weeks is such a short time and yet I'm certain for you and your daughter it feels like a life time ago. Trust me, you are not complaining. The most important person of your life is no longer by your side. You spent twenty-five years together. If you haven't already, you may want to find a good grief counselor. You are also making huge strides by finding your way here. I hope you find the compassion, love and support I have found. This journey you are on is a continual struggle and you will soon discover that you are definitely not alone. Everyone here has lost someone very important to them. Welcome to the forum and again, I am so sorry you have reason to be here.

Congratulations. Way to go son and DIL!

Marty posted a blog about crying from the mountain tops in the No Ordinary Day discussion. Anyone who knows me knows I am an ardent believer in "crying on top of a mountain" and finding the "roar that takes place within us when we scream under the stars". I was doing just that today. I was out for my daily stroll and for some reason I allowed those unwanted memories to creep into my walk. The tears were freely falling as I sauntered along the trail. I looked up and ten yards ahead of me a cute little muley was staring me down. I discovered how quickly wildlife can transport me out of a funk. It was one of a half-dozen deer that were surrounding me. Deedo, in one of her notes to me, told me to look for signs. Keep in mind I am a card-carrying skeptic blessed with over active critical thinking skills; but recently I was reminded of how obtuse I am. So today a new leaf; this, for me, is a sign. The only two things I know of that can so expeditiously bring me out of the doldrums: grandkids and wildlife (I know; sometimes they are one and the same). Sometime I will need to tell the story of the birdhouse so you can see how dense I really can be. Deedo knew how to reach me in the kindest of ways.

Andrea - Welcome to our group. I am so sorry you have a reason to be here. Your grief is so fresh. I don't use Facebook myself but my wife did. For the first month after her death I went in and changed her picture every day. Now I'll go in occasionally and clean up things. I too wished to be united with my Deedo quickly. That didn't happen. I can tell you this: it does get better, I can't tell you when, but it does get better. For me, I needed to look at how things had changed over months since the changes are so minuscule. All any of us can do is just keep breathing and trying to cope with our pain, one moment at a time. I am the same way...one moment I'm fine, the next I'm not.

My birthday was three weeks to the day after Deedo died. My daughter and SIL paid to have a star named BradnDeedo and gave me the certificate for a present. The star is in Ursa Major. Of course I know the star is only named BradnDeedo in that one particular database and Astrologers will never know that star as BradnDeedo, but still I'll go out often and talk to Deedo looking at what is now Our Star.

Hugs to all three of you.

I need reminding of that every now and then. My kids used this quote to end the multimedia presentation at Deedo's Celebration of Life. I have a picture of her with our granddaughter blowing dandelion puffballs with this quote superimposed on it. It's the first thing I see in the morning.

I have run into the same feelings. I have decided to limit my charitable donations to a few organizations that were there for Deedo and myself so I donate to Hope Lodge, Mayo Research, American Cancer Society, Hospice of the Valley and of course Marty. I feel bad I can't give to others but these organizations really were there for us. I do take the dimes and nickels mailed to me for the grandkids. I am starting to get frustrated with some of the organizations I do donate to since they don't seem to recognize what I do give as much as they continually want more. I just got a book-marker from one group with the suggestion I donate another $250 to make my yearly donation an even $1,000; as if $750 wasn't enough (if anything it's more than I can afford.)

You are so fortunate to have that bond with Lynn. I am sure that you are as strong a support for her as she is for you. We need those people, especially now.

Hello Laurie - Welcome to the forum. First I am not in your age group but I do relate to many things you wrote about. While we all experience grief differently I think you will find common denominators in all of our experiences, regardless of age, beliefs, careers. I have found so much love, acceptance and compassion here from people; I hope you find the same support. For me it is, and has been for a long time, one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. There have been many analogies depicting what we are going through and they all are apropos. I don't know how we are to go on, I just know that we do: somehow we make it from one moment to the next. The loneliness is huge. I understand why you would want to join an online dating site. And yes men will date and marry widows. Just wait until you do find that one guy who will exceed that standard that Robert set. Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry you have cause to be here. Brad

Yesterday I went hiking to a favorite place with a friend whose husband is in advanced stages of Alzheimers. She's at that limbo place where she's alone and her soulmate left her some time ago and yet his heart still beats. We were hiking for seven hours and most of the conversation was about our grief. Several times it was mentioned how those tears seem to be located just barely below the upper most layer of epidermis just waiting, lurking, ready to spring forth at the most minor of provocations. I prefer not to use lose or loss. I didn't lose Deedo; she died from an insidious disease. And Ron's love, like Deedo's is still out there for us. Keep in mind that I really am quite obtuse most of the time; as I was recently reminded of repeatedly. I have had a few things happen over the past 15 months and one day that would qualify, in many peoples minds, as a sign from Deedo. When they have occurred the critical thinking kicks in and I am able to convince myself it is mere coincidence. However there is something very comforting in believing that the birds that inhabited the birdhouse that had been vacant for 25 years were brought there by Deedo. Or their little chick who, on the day it flew the nest, spent thirty minutes perched on the screen in front of me saying goodbye, was a sign. Again, I am dense. No Patty that isn't wrong. You need to do what feels right for you. I've already told my daughter that I may not come for Thanksgiving. Last year I went and really struggled. Patty, I am so sorry you went through this. She is obviously someone who is unable to deal with someone who is deep in the throes of grief. This is the main reason I prefer the company of those who are grieving. They really get it. I see her apology as not taking responsibility for her comments but one of really trying to shift the ownership from her to you. Right now I really have little time for people who are unable to put my needs first. I am the one who lost the love of my life. I am the one who needs support. I do hope this next week will be better. It starts with Halloween: for many that is a good thing, for me not so much so. I have always enjoyed getting past it: kind of like a root canal.

I too avoid group situations, particularly those which involve Deedo's friends, Red Hat group, etc. I can handle support groups okay because they get it and are too busy trying to fix themselves to try to fix me. Immediate family I can handle but have already told my daughter that I don't think I can handle Thanksgiving with her in-laws. Of course that was always a challenge under the best of circumstances. Standing in line at the checkout counter the other day the gal in front of me was on the phone complaining to the listener about her husband. I so wanted to let her know how lucky she was to have him, instead I went to another line.

I cancelled my tv months ago. Just stream now and mostly movies pre 1980.

My positive today: One of Arizona's hidden treasures. Hard hike in and much harder out but worth the aches and pains.