Brad

I am still wearing my wedding ring on my left ring finger with Deedo's wedding ring on the pinkie finger next to it. Think that sends any mixed messages?

Sleep continues to be an issue. When I don't sleep my Crohn's flares up. Tried Lunesta for a few months but it didn't work well so now I'm back on Remeron for sleep. It works but I don't like being on anything for sleep so every now and then I'll go off of it and within a week I'm back to three to four hours of sporadic sleep a night. I use an app that tracks my quality of sleep. Also do the quiet time and meditation.

Kathy- I see a part of my mission is to ensure Deedo is remembered, especially by our grandchildren. Sadly two of them are too young to actually remember this phenomenal grandma but I hope to help them know her as they grow. It is her spirit I hope to pass on.

Robin, Five months is so short and yet seems so long. I'm sorry that the past several days have been so hard. I know with my own journey any progress I made seemed so inconsequential. It wasn't until much later when I was able to stack many, many inconsequential days together that I could perceive a modicum of change. Over time you will find the sadness will not be quite so all encompassing. Smiles will force their way out with a bit more frequency. The ebb and flow of the waves of grief will calm some. And then just as you feel as if you might possibly survive another tsunami will force you to reevaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself. But it does get better, slowly but the grayness does yield to the sunshine. You will be positive again and that hope will stay a bit longer and you have us to lean on when those "good times" make way for the sadness.

Thinking of you today, Marg.

Phew! Good news. Also am sorry about the truck that won't start. Maybe give the engine a chance to dry off, wipe down the battery terminals. Could be moisture from the storm.

Gin - I plan Valley trips with the sole purpose of spending Papa Moosie time with my 6 year-old granddaughter and 22 month-old grandson. Of course the trips always coincide with other business but often the other business is just an excuse. But then there's always the trip home and walking back into an empty house.

Cookie - I know exactly what you mean. I still find myself thinking that I have to be trapped in someone else's life. This kind of thing never happened to us. We faced challenges and always sailed through with minimal damage. I was on life support twice and came out of it. She had two stents and pulled through like a champion. I also am not sure how to embrace the pain, the loneliness, the emptiness, the myriad emotions that are my day and my night. But Cookie I do know: It was very real.

Lost in Grief - I am so sorry you are struggling today. I found that my memory for where I place things is significantly impacted. Your mind is consumed by grief and you will find that most of us have complaints about memory issues. I still stumble upon love notes that my dear wife left for me. She was a very busy love note writer. Each one reduces me to blubbering. Posting photos - You can either drag from your desktop to the area below or you can click on choose files to go in search of the photo. I save mine to the desktop to make them easier to locate. The photos are limited in size and may need adjusting. Reputation button is something to click if you particularly like a comment. It's a pat on the back. If you wish to quote something someone else has written you can click the quote button at the bottom of their post. This places the entire post into your post. Then you can highlight and delete parts you don't want to quote: It is impossible to get anything wrong as you are simply sharing your fears, emotions, tears and successes. Reporting is rarely used and then it is used if you find a post extremely offensive. I've never seen a post that comes remotely close to offensive. I'm sorry I can't help you locate those wonderful notes but I'm sure they will turn up when least expected. Just recently I took the kids to Havasupai in the Grand Canyon. It is very popular and the Havasupai tribe needs to limit the number of visitors so to get reservations one needs to plan a year in advance. I received my reservations a year ago. I put it somewhere safe where I would remember. When it came time to pack I searched high and low and couldn't find the reservation. That evening I was fixing dinner and there it was hanging from the fridge. Hope this helps. Brad

What a treasure to have. Each of us has such a legacy and yet so seldom is it shared with younger generations. Both sets of my grandparents had such amazing histories and yet I never got to hear them retold. It has only be in the research I've done in my adulthood that I've received a mere glimpse.

Lost in Grief - I am a loner by nature; I've always been comfortable being by myself, until nearly 15 months ago. Now I struggle. There are so many things I want to share but now she is not there. I am just now starting to get to a point where I can focus for short periods of time. I used to love movies: we used to love movies. Now I can't watch anything I haven't seen before as I lose the story. Reading has always been a passion but I struggle to follow the plot. That's why books on grief are so good for me; I can highlight phrases that strike a chord and I can read and reread them as often as I need. I'm still at home in the woods but not in my house. Welcome to our group. May you find the comfort and wisdom I have found. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm not sure he would appreciate wearing a white boa. And yes condors are buzzards, they are the king of all buzzards with nearly a 10' wing span. As a matter of fact they are the king of all of our feathered friends.

Glad you're feeling well enough to go shopping.

I apologize for the lousy picture but it was shot a over considerable distance. I had to zoom in during the crop to make it visable. A highlight on my recent wanderings was spotting this California Condor perched on a ledge far above us. Considering they were declared extinct in 1987 with the 27 surviving birds taken into captivity, it is remarkable to spot one in the wilds. Now there are 435 condors with the introduction back into the wilds a measured success. When at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon it is not unusual to see them soaring above but to catch them on their nest is a rarity.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh I need constant reminding that I will get there someday; it is not a race but a process. Marty recently posted a link on another thread related to allowing yourself to feel your emotions. Once again the brain/heart dichotomy turns chaotic. I know I need to embrace the pain, accept the loss, yield to the emptiness: but the heart defies and rejects. But then as always; I am interested more in rushing through the process rather than allowing myself time. I suppose it's time to take another stroll and try to figure this one out.

I just completed my early ballot. I missed Deedo so much; so many surprises for local offices that I wanted to share with her and get her take on. Sadly it is a comment on my lack of political acumen that there were any surprises but there were. One former boss running for County Superintendent of Schools, three ex-colleagues running for local school board, all four came as a surprise. I just wanted to sit down with her, a cup of coffee and chat. Once more a sneaky trigger.

Wishing you the best Gwenivere.

They helped me today.

Of course they can and I'm sure Kathy had front row seats.

Marg - I know about the gray skies; I think we all know them far too well. Today I'm wearing a new pair of sunglasses: yellow tint. I haven't worn yellow tinted sunglasses in many, many years; I forgot how bright they make colors. I am rueing the fact I didn't have these a year ago when the brightest of days had such a grayish hue. I was amazed then how dark ones' world could become. I am glad that I haven't had a life of grayness like so many with chronic depression.

It is not news that I enjoy hiking; I always have. My earliest memories are of a Forest Ranger's cabin in Farmington Flats, a part of the Wasatch Range in Utah. I remember being two or three hiking with my dad through aspen groves and along a road. Since Deedo's death hiking has become an obsession; I hike in all weather. For me it is solace and a time to ponder who I am and where I am headed. Idle time at home is spent on dwelling in the past; hiking gives me respite, as do my travels. I find it intriguing that while I hike I can focus on the challenges ahead of me with a clearer, more rational head, but once home the heart takes control. How I am coming to cherish and despise the heart, frequently at the same time. Tears on the trail are cathartic; tears in the living room leave me morose and feeling weaker. The aspen are golden; a brilliant contrast against the deep green of the ponderosa and the vibrant blue of the sky. Deedo's favorite time of year. Her birthday is in a week, our daughter is hosting tea with some of Deedo's friends; a longstanding ritual being carried on. Deedo really was convinced she should have been invited to all of the Royal weddings. And of course I am celebrating Deedo with another round of WWDD. The kids are fully onboard now and look forward to finding new and creative ways to pay-it-forward.

Marg- Glad Kelli is doing better. Hang in there friend.

If you get a chance send some of it our way; we don't need the whole thing, it's been a pretty dry Summer/Autumn down here.

Karen - I have those unwelcome visitors too. A grief counselor suggested that I have on hand a collection of happier memories to go to when I find myself dwelling on the ugly times. For me it works if I can only remember to play them. It does take a conscious effort and many times I dwell far too long on those last months, days, moments. Hopefully someday it will turn into an automatic response.

Lost power for two weeks about 15 years ago, I ran out after the storm and bought a generator and there it has sat for 15 years waiting for us to lose power again. I do try to remember to run it a couple of times a year, probably should put that on my todo list for tomorrow.