Brad

Darrel - This has been my goal for the past several months: to try to find a way out of the morass. The problem is I'm not so sure how to do it. I am filling my calendar with activities and travels to do things and go to places Deedo and I never did or went to. Cultural opportunities are limited in the White Mtns to high school and jr. college productions. Deedo and I always tried to support those but honestly sometimes they were painful to watch. Now I'm going to musicals, ballet, concerts in the Valley, much better productions and planning travels. Originally the travels were all with the kids and their families, now I'm ready to strike out on my own, including seven weeks in Europe this Spring. As wonderful as these things are in providing a distraction, I still have to come home. It is here that I feel the emptiness the most. But I will continue with the hope that some day I will return and not feel the emptiness and loneliness as I walk through the door. Some day I hope to feel like I am glad to be home again. Best of luck with the Darrel 2.0!

Robin - I hope this morning is better for you. One of the things I hate most about this grief journey is how much the grief undulates. I have times where I feel I am okay, I can cope, I might someday be okay; and then something stupid will trigger a flood of emotions, countless tears. I'm glad you and your daughter can talk about Kevin, that is so important for the both of you. My daughter prefers to bottle things up and it is taking a toll. My kids are 34, 31, 29 and only one of them is an adult and that's the youngest.

AB3 - Sincere hugs. You are so early into your grief and what you are going through isolates you even more. I'm really hoping you might be able to find someone you can talk to, to share with, to help find a modicum of peace. It is so very hard when you lose that one person who makes your world so wonderful. Many people never find it and hence will never get it when that one is wrenched away.

I am never any more than an arms reach from my tissues: kitchen table, computer desk, tv chair, coffee table, night stand, front seat of the car and my pocket packs for shopping and dr. visits. ?

So much with face to face support groups is dependent upon the facilitator. I attend a Hospice of the Valley support group in Gilbert, about 180 miles from my home. We are on our third facilitator since I joined in October of 2015, the group is one where you can actively participate or just sit back and listen to others. When I joined I could not speak without breaking down, it was not pretty, my voice gets all squeaky, nose snotty, so I need plenty of tissues. There is a support group about a 5 minute drive from my home but that one was not a good fit. It was very facilitator oriented where the facilitator would lecture more than listen. It also had a very strong Christian orientation where all of my pain could be assuaged by becoming a believer. That does not sit well with my Agnosticated Deist beliefs so I find the 360 mile drive well worth my time and effort to attend a support group that focuses on MY grief. I probably need to add that now I'm at a place when I will still drive the 360 miles to go to group but only if I have other reasons to be in the Valley. I no longer make the drive just for group but I did for the first nine months. AB3 - you are correct - most people really can't understand and won't until they are here.

AB3- What you are experiencing many of us have gone through and many are still going through. For the first several months suicide was never far from my mind. The pain of losing someone who was such a predominant and crucial part of my life was and is so all consuming and overwhelming. I could not comprehend a future without my wife. All we lived for and worked for was gone. And I am one of the lucky ones. I was also one of the very impatient ones. I actively sought out counseling, literature, support groups. I armed myself with all the knowledge I could glean. And I wasn't making progress, not the progress I wanted. I wanted to be done with the grief and move on. Right now you are living from moment to moment, minute to minute. The journey you are on is the hardest thing you will ever experience but as long as you continue to hang on it will get better; not all at once and it may take a very long time but at some point you might find a smile on your face, a genuine smile. It won't last but it will be there. Someday a genuine laugh will escape and surprise you. Someday the tears will become more carthitic and less painful, the will still fall freely but they will not hurt as badly. On another thread Amy posted a link to her blog. If you haven't already, it might be a worthwhile read. http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/ As long as you keep trying to hold on you will be okay, someday.

This is when I feel the most alone; when I am forced into a group social situation. I'm much better with being around individuals or couples; much more than that and I'm cooking up excuses to leave. I visited my boys in Austin this past week. They picked me up at the airport and took me to their house. We walked into a Christmas party; no one had bothered to inform me. I ended up sitting in a corner, trying to smile when appropriate, missing Deedo and feeling miserable. Had I known, I would have had them drop me off at the motel and met up with them in the morning.

Amy - I am very impressed. Your blog spoke directly to me and helped me realize that many of my fears are ludicrous and meritless. I too feel so diminished and yet evolving in ways I could never imagine. Thank you for your sage perspective. Brad

And of course it is twice as awe inspiring when one gets these two phenoms together.

Speaking of young talent; I just saw this prodigy and thought I'd bring a smile.

I am happy for you. I know that I find a lot of respite from the depths of grief when I'm around my family, especially the grandkiddies; and fortunately, for me, we have become much closer after Deedo's death. Deedo was always the one talking to the kids. I worried that after she died the kids would not feel the same need but now we talk daily. Reinventing my life I also struggle with. It is so hard to conceptualize a life that can be a life I want without that one key component. But I too keep putting one foot forward so I too apparently have more hope than I can recognize at this point.

My Dear Janka - it is so good to hear from you again. I was thinking of you a couple of months ago when I discovered a young composer named Alma Deutscher from England. Her first full length opera "Cinderella" was just performed in Vienna. She is now eleven-years-old. She learned the piano at two and violin at three and started composing at six. I am happy to hear that you are finding some times of comfort, peace and hopefully, happiness. And you are correct: sometimes it does hurt more than ever but at least that pain is not as constant as it was early on. Once more Janka it is so good to hear from you; you have been missed. With admiration, Brad

AB3 - My grief support group counselor, when members would express their feelings of guilt or failure, would remind us that everything we did was done with love based on the best information we had at that time. I have found this helpful when those unwelcomed memories start controlling my thoughts. Your actions were motivated by your love. You were striving for a sounder future with your love. You were doing what needed to be done to build a future. What you did, you did out of love. What you did, you did based on what you knew at the time. If a friend came to you and expressed guilt over those things you feel guilty about, how would you respond to her? Now take that response and apply to yourself.

Then I must be weird as well. 522 days for me.

The way I choose to look at it is pretty simple. I believe that Deedo and I will be together again. I do believe we were quintessential soulmates. If it turns out there is no life after death then I won't know it, I'll just be gone. If Deedo and I aren't meant to be together then hopefully I will know why and it will make sense. So for now while I am missing her I cling to the idea that it will only be for a short while.

Speaking of signs - my daughter found a paper Easter Egg on her kitchen floor a couple of days ago. Deedo made it, it is her writing and design, but no one had seen it before. No one in the house has an idea where it came from, it was just laying there when they came home from work and wasn't there when they left for work that morning. Now then being a card carrying skeptic I can't help but feel there has to be a logical explanation but then maybe there isn't.

The advantage of being a teacher is you get to handpick the place you want to live.

This strikes a positive chord. Thank you.

Time does not heal. The pain will always be there. I believe that over time we adapt but we will always feel that void and the pain their absence brings. One reason I avoid those who haven't suffered this kind of loss is simply because I can no longer deal with the mindless platitudes that are intended to soothe and comfort but come across as inane, empty, and at time hurtful chatter. I constantly have to remind myself that most people have never had a comparable loss. Many people never will.

Darrel - This was me for pretty much the first fifteen months. I hated bed because it was not an escape. I tried meditation, medication, aroma therapy and a combination of everything. I was sleeping around three hours nightly and it was playing havoc on my Crohn's disease. My doctors put me on Mertazipine (Remeron) an antidepressant, with that I slept but I slept too much. Then they tried Lorazepam and I slept five hours a night. By last October I was finally able to sleep most of the time around six hours a night and I'm okay with that. It is still not unusual for me to be awake at two after four hours of sleep but things are slowly improving. About once a month I can actually get seven to eight hours of sleep. I too am tired of moping. I am growing tired of the loneliness. All of my actions for the past seventeen months have been to seek out solitude. I do enjoy the therapeutic value of hiking but lately I have found myself reaching out to a friend whose husband is in the late stages of Alzheimer's. For both of us it is a connection where we can share our misery with one other person, face to face and in real time. The first time we reconnected we met at a restaurant at 4:30. Six hours later the manager asked us to pay our bill, we talked nonstop and time just disappeared. She is also an avid hiker (which for my age group is extremely rare) so when we can arrange it we meet up for a stroll. Neither of us see our interaction as dating, it is companionship for two people going through the worst experiences of their lives. It's not romance, it is reaching out and providing solace and comfort. The only problem is that we live 200 miles apart which limits how often we can get together.

AB3 - I my humble opinion you need not worry about being a burden to anyone. Your grief is your grief. Prior to my wife's death, my parents and her parents, as well as her brother had all died. I mourned all of these deaths. I mourned the loss of a few friends over the years and a brother-in-law. I was saddened by all of these deaths but to be honest I really didn't experience grief. Once my wife died my whole existence was shattered and I was devastated. I am just past the 17 month mark in this horrendous journey and things are improving. I still shed tears but now I can measure the frequency of these breakdowns in days; not minutes or hours. I grieve for my wife and all she will miss. I grieve for me and all I will miss. But I am moving forward. I still can't see where I am headed but I am finding joy in experiences. I am traveling. I am exploring things we talked about but never got around to. I'm sorry I got sidetracked. What I wanted to say AB3 is you are experiencing a depth of grief because your world has been shattered. You are not a burden; you are in pain. I wouldn't avoid talking to them but then my experience is many people have mourned my wife's death and for most they have moved on. But then their lives continued pretty much as it was before; their lives weren't shattered as yours, mine and everyone on this forum has had our lives shattered. Continue reaching out but then if they aren't giving you what you need for yourself then continue to find those who can relate and empathize. I personally now prefer to interact with those who have lost as I have lost; they are the ones who get it.

AB3 - I too found myself ina deep depression following my wife's death. I sought out all of the help I could find and as a result I found comfort in all of them. A year ago I was seeing a grief counselor, a psychiatrist, a support group and this forum. I was also reading anything and everything I could find. My experience was that each resource I found provided a different perspective and different focus on helping me deal with my grief. While I still struggle at times, today I am in much better shape than a year ago. I am convinced that the combined efforts of everyone provided me with the tools I use today.

Happy birthday my friend.

I personally don't have much desire to decorate just for myself. If there comes a time when the grandkids are expected then I'll throw some lights up, but just for myself it isn't worth the effort. Of course I fully expect to get an earful from Deedo when we meet once more. She really was a Christmas spirit three hundred sixty-five days a year.