Brad

I haven't kept in touch with any of my classmates since graduation. Growing up in a predominantly LDS community I traveled in a different direction than the majority of people I knew. I did have one friend look me up years ago and we emailed for a bit but then he started sending soft porn and I severed ties because I didn't want Deedo exposed to that stuff.

I have no interest in going to mine. My graduating class was 1,500 with 5,000 students in three grades. Deedo and I went to my 15th reunion, stayed for ninety minutes and did not see one person I knew or even a name I recognized.

While Deedo was battling her cancer she was worried that I would be lonely. She would occasionally play the Yenta looking for the one who would keep me company once she was gone. I tried telling her then that she was my one and only but she really didn't want to see me alone.

Congrats Kay. Grand babies are the best therapy.

I became symptomatic with Crohn's Disease at nineteen. Have hit my out of pocket maximum every year since then. Wish I knew when doctor visits were anything but the norm. ? Just had three today. Some people buy new cars or take cruises; I pay doctor and insurance bills.

It was the same with Deedo and myself. One reason I can listen to music is that the radio was never on in the car; we were talking too much to listen to it. It was not unsual for us to go out for a cup of coffee and start driving, only to come home two to three days later having driven from Utah to Idaho to Wyoming to Colorado and back; talking the entire time. We did enjoy our impromptu travels.

Oh my. How much can this family endure? Best wishes are going their way.

One of the many treasures Deedo left behind was her "Deedo's Book of Secrets". This book illustrated and written by her captures her uniqueness, her zaniness, her passion better than anything possibly could. Today I spent the afternoon scanning in all one hundred twelve secrets with the plan of adding pictures of her from throughout her life. When finished I'll have copies made for the kids. Saturday will be day 500 since she died. It has taken me 500 days to get myself to a place where I could handle spending so much time with her memories as seen through her eyes. For me, today was a victory.

Happy Birthday to a lovely lady.

Marita - You are progressing; your posts show it. I found with myself I really had to honestly look at where I was in the beginning, or where I was six months ago. The changes are so minuscule and so seeming insignificant, but they do add up. When I look at where I am versus where I want to be I am always disappointed and discouraged. But when I remember the mess I was in last year at this time versus now I do see change.

With my kids living in Texas and Chandler chances are good that I'll be traveling to them rather than them coming to Pinetop. Deedo was my Christmas spirit and without her there is no reason to hang the mistletoe, kids won't be coming home so there's no need for lights - I'll be in Chandler Christmas Eve and fly to Austen Christmas Day for a week. I've turned the Christmas room into my den and my old den into a spare bedroom but left just enough Christmas up that it's there if I want it. It will be years before I'll be able to look at the old videos of Deedo and the kids on Christmas. Did send them off to be converted to DVD the other day so the kids can have copies. I really do want to just wake up on January 2nd.

I also am growing tired of the routine; filling minutes..hours with distractors just to make it from morning to night. My way of coping is to plan trips/outings with family and while they are great distractors they are not something I can do daily or weekly. I still am alone most of the time. Each time I start to look for escapes they get bigger. Heading to Europe for seven weeks in April. Got my inspiration from a gal in my support group who on a whim grabbed a backpack and hopped a flight to Germany for a couple of months at 82. I need to take a lesson from Gwen and start volunteering, or join a hiking club or a photography club, something to add a social element to my life, but I am resistant...solitude, while becoming monotonous, is safe and well within my comfort level.

There is a scene in the movie from the mid 80's: "One Magic Christmas". In this scene a girl goes to visit Santa and as they are walking through his workshop she's sees a custodian from her school who had died; he is now one of Santa's helpers, a Christmas Angel. That was Deedo's dream; to become one of Santa's helpers after she left this world. I sincerely hope she is there. As for me I am currently more comfortable pretending this month is just like next month or any other month without a holiday. Maybe my Christmas Angel will find a way to sprinkle me with magic dust. On another thought: It always bothered me how frequently in movies the protagonist could not get into the Christmas spirit without being confronted by his/her own death or the death of those near and dear. I always felt that the message was you better believe OR ELSE!!!!! My experience is now why even bother?

Maryann- Thinking about you today. I hope you find peace. Brad

Deedo was the sociable one and I was the one more content in spending time alone. Now? Not so much so. The activities I enjoy most are solitary ones but lately I find myself thinking about how much I miss human contact on a daily basis. When I'm talking with the kids or visiting with the neighbors; I'm content. I have a friend in the Valley who I'll get together with when I'm down there. Her husband is in the later stages of Alzheimer's and it is a good chance for us to share with each other. But most of my time is spent hiking, working in the yard, reading and tryinng, very unsuccessfully, watching T.V. Just wish I had someone to go on long drives with. I don't want romance, just someone to share with.

Regretfully I too saw the changes the cancer, the chemo, and the radiation all took on Deedo. These are those unwelcome memories I am trying to cope with. I watched as she was robbed of everything and finally robbed of life itself.

One of the positives I took out of our ordeal with Deedo's cancer was how many wonderful, compassionate and caring people there are in this world. From the people at the American Cancer Society, Hope Lodge, Mayo Clinic, Hospice of the Valley, almost everyone we encountered were angels on Earth; the countless volunteers, the people who so selfishlessly gave of themselves and their talents. I see the news reports but honestly I encounter very few people like those who make the news. I believe social media has given voice to those disenfranchised fringe elements but the people I meet and see really are good, kind, caring souls. So Steve, my friend, from my perspective compassion continues to overpower hate; at least in my little corner of the world. But then I live in a neighborhood where I can only remember one petty crime in nearly thirty years.

Sadly the wound will never "heal"; best we can hope for is for it to scab up enough to deaden the pain a bit. Of course my thoughts are warped as I am listening to Babs singing "Smile" right now.

Grief does rewrite one's contacts list; doesn't it? I also recognize that my life is going into a new chapter...I just don't like where the plot is heading. The protagonist is struggling to make sense and seems to be adrift.

I find these "unwelcome" memories are more common as I approach significant days. The facilitator of the support group I attend recommended I keep positive memories in my mind to replace those unwelcome memories when they occur. For me this technique has been mostly effective but it is still a challenge to remember to replace those unwanted memories with the happy ones. I still find myself occasionally fixating on the ugly ones.

This is also the direction I think I am moving toward. Deedo was very clear in the letter she left for me. She wanted (wants) me to find companionship. That is what I am trying to do, albeit slowly. I've started to look outside of family for people to socialize with. I'm trying to find people with shared interests. I'm planning travel. All of these things are great distractors, only trouble is I still come home to a quiet and empty house. When I'm away I do look forward to returning home but once home I wonder why.

So does Coca Cola.

Good morning Marie. May your day be filled with contentment and productive reflection. I miss saying: "Good morning my love." to my love.

You are where I want to be. Actually I am slowly getting there; the peace is present but sporadic and acceptance also peeking around the corner with more frequency. I still find myself filling time with distractors but lots of moments for reflection and trying to grow into my grief. For me loneliness is an issue. It is hard to risk getting out there but I am starting to try. I glad you are building/adding to your gardens. I have many projects but still am preferring to hike over fixing; I do have supplies so that is a step forward. Happy belated birthday.

Kathy- So very, very happy for you. Financial security is so important as we move into retirement and that is one less struggle for you. I'm happy you're moving back to Michigan; actually I didn't remember you moving back to Florida. Again Congrats (and if this were on the iPhone message app you would be seeing confetti rain down)