Brad

Thinking of you today Butch.

AB3 - It's okay not to be strong. It's okay to just let it all out. There may be those who become uncomfortable but then you will also find people who will carry you along when your load becomes too heavy. One of the things that impressed me most as we went through my wife's cancer were the countless angels who give so freely of themselve's to help us navigate these most difficult of times. Your mom is worried about you; she's a mother, but you do not need to be strong for her, she is one who will be there regardless. Let her do what mom's do - let her be there for you. Hugs my dear. You will make it through this, just not as quickly as you would like.

The movie is "As Good As It Gets" with Helen Hunt. One of the most memorable lines. That was also how I felt about Deedo. She really did make me want to strive to be the person she thought I was.

Karen - I haven't but give him a listen. New Age is relatively new for me as it's instrumental and easy for me to listen to. I am not well versed in it however.

There are reasons why I listen to much more classical, opera, ballet, New Age than I ever have before: either they don't have words or the words are in Italian which I don't speak. Another reason is I find this music calming, not unlike meditation music. Deedo was huge into the Beatles, anything Christmas and on occasion Manheim Steamroller. Those I avoid. She didn't enjoy my classical music as it made her sad. In the car the radio was never on as we were too busy talking, talking and talking some more. It was hard enough to sit down and watch TV because we would talk nonstop, or until she fell asleep. Then I would watch a show or two.

Cookie - We all handle our grief in different ways. We chose what works for us. From the beginning I would start my days reading letters that Deedo left me and looking at pictures of our life together. I would always cry but then I felt like I was ready to face the day. Some days it worked, others it didn't. Hanging pictures of her was not a challenge because we were always ones to hang pictures of our travels and our kids and our grandkiddies throughout the house. Again this is what I felt worked for me. You on the other hand are doing what works for you. After about six months I started a gratitude diary because it worked for me. This is another thing that you found painful. Grief is not a one thing works for all kind of thing. I just had all of our VHS tapes transferred to Blueray for the kids. I am currently not interested in viewing them; may someday but not now. Be kind to yourself, you are doing as well as any of us. Brad

I too listen to music every day, all day. My library has grown considerably. On a feel good, positive note you may wish to check out a composer named Emily Bear. It is one of those remarkable stories that left me stunned. WGN presented an Emmy award winning documentary on her four years ago, when she was eleven.

“Yes, that sounds very well. But there’s a snag. I am thinking about her nearly always. Thinking of the H. facts – real words, looks, laughs, and actions of hers. But it is my own mind that selects and groups them. Already, less than a month after her death, I can feel the slow, insidious beginning of a process that will make the H. I think of into a more and more imaginary woman. Founded on fact, no doubt, I shall put in nothing fictitious (or I hope I shan’t). But won’t the composition inevitably become more and more my own? The reality is no longer there to check me, to pull me up short, as the real H. so often did, so unexpectedly, by being so thoroughly herself and not me.” Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.” "I could’ve found satisfaction in throwing myself into work as a teacher and keeping my house a museum for James the rest of my life, but I know there would’ve been a lot of emptiness. Emptiness can be an important mental state as you process loss — I’d never recommend rushing through it — but it’s not a place to live." Excerpt From Michelle Jarvie. "MY SECOND CHAPTER: LIFE, MARRIAGE, FAMILY" These two quotes resonated with me this morning. I recognized that for the first several months I enshrined Deedo throughout the house, hanging many of my favorite pictures of her in every room of the house; creating gardens and bringing in statuary to try to capture her essence. I think of her constantly and in my thoughts I have beatified my beloved. I have sainted her. Michelle Jarivie spoke of the rose colored glasses, mine are still permanently affixed to my nose. I know that at sometime I will need to start removing the shrines, removing the 30 x 36" prints from the walls. I know that I need to remember her not as someone to be canonized but as the living, breathing, perfect and yet flawed human she was. To do otherwise is to dishonor her. I recognize that for me to move forward in my grief I need to start replacing the pictures of the two of us with ones of my life without her. This is all needed to move from being BradnDeedo to becoming Brad again. This doesn't mean I will love her less nor miss her less; it simply means I am going to try to remove those rose colored glasses, change my home from a museum dedicated to the love of my life to more of a reflection of me, who I now am and who I wish to become. I'm not ready yet but I believe that the first step is recognizing where I need to go.

Marie - I am NOT dating. I have connected with a gal I used to teach with, Deedo and I used to socialize with her and her husband, we used to travel to the Caribbean together. Since September we go out for dinners, we go hiking and kayaking together, we have plans to go to the theatre and a piano concert together, but we are not dating. We are two lonely people who are grieving the lost of our loved ones and need to connect with someone who understands what we are experiencing. I understand the need to connect on a personal level with someone, to have those conversations over a cup of coffee, to have that interaction one cannot get from counselors, forums, support groups, or occasional friends. If you feel ready then by all means go for it: PLEASE understand that you are fragile, so also really guard your emotions. There are many, many wonderful people out there but sadly there are also some real creeps looking to pray on the vulnerable.

AB3 - This is where you and I differ. I've always believed the purpose of life is to experience and learn and that finding my soulmate was the icing on the cake. There are a great many people in this world who will never experience the breadth and depth of love that you have for your fiancé. Of course as individuals we are all different and our perception of life is a diverse as the number of people on Earth. Granted your hopes and dreams have been shattered and as of right now you cannot see a future without the love of your life. I was the same at one month. I was the same for a very long time. I found that I had to live in the moment because the future and the past were far too painful to conceptualize. For me, I'm just past seventeen months and I still don't know what my new normal will become but I do know that I can now look to the past with gratitude most of the time; occasionally with tears. I do know that I am beginning to see a future without Deedo directly invovled; although I believe I will carry her in my heart everywhere I go. AB3 - In my most humble opinion, the point of living is to experience life as best as we can at that time: the joys, the pains, the beauty, the ugliness, the hopes and dreams, the disappointments, the thrills. And of course all of those things seem meaningless right now as each one of us struggle through the many intense and consuming pains of grief.

AB3 - I know those unexpected triggers well. Deedo left all sort of treasures around the house for me to find when she was gone, messages on the back of pictures on the fridge, notes tucked away in books she knew I would re-read, letters, etc. Each one is a treasure but at the moment of finding it, it would reduce me to a whimpering, blubbering mess. Of course they hit you hard. There will always be those reminders of who we lost.

Marg - I can't imagine a hospital not accepting Medicare, statistically that is cutting out a HUGE part of your demographic. Twenty somethings rarely need hospitals and when they do it's typically self-inflicted, of course I was the exception back then - the joys of Crohn's. It's our age group that is providing a significant amount of growth capital for the medical community. That's like a bar owner not catering to anyone under fifty. Or a preschool taking only kids five and up.

Karen - Have you looked into the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale. I was so impressed with their treatment of Deedo I switched all of my medical care to them when my GI retired. Everyone from volunteers and maintenance staff all the up through doctors and nurses are so kind and caring. Their motto is patient first. Plus it is extremely rare to need to wait past your appointment time, generally they with take you back before your scheduled time. Down side is they aren't on everyone's insurance plan.

I reserved most of my scream, cussing, yelling for the car and the woods. The woods were great since there were only squirrels and rabbits to object to my rants.

Marie Lee -I hope your road trip is a cathartic one. I was quite anxious prior to my first trip from Pinetop to Austin. It was good for me. Lots of time driving, listening to music, crying, yelling, venting at the world, reveling in wonder at my previous thirty-eight years. Now I'm gone off on one adventure or another, always alone, two to three times a month.

For the first fifteen months I was unable to sleep without medication. Prior to being put on Remeron (an antidepressant that increases appetite and encourages sleep) I would get maybe three hours a night. Two months ago I was able to discontinue medication so now I can sleep five to seven hours a night. For the first several months I was pretty useless most of the day. I couldn't talk without tears, hated having to go to the store. I did force myself out of bed daily, shower and dress but that was about all I could accomplish; that and my daily hikes. Slowly over time things improved; not where I could see a change daily but if I looked back months I could see things were not as paralyzing. Now seventeen months later I do have days without tears; today was one of them but then I probably cried myself dry the past two days. Grief is never a constant but always changing.

Marita - I think it is common. I'm quite envious when I read or hear of couples passing within a short time of each other. My wife's brother died nine months before she did and I still don't like the idea that he is with her and I'm not (never really liked the guy).

Hugs my dear Marita.

The dreams I have about Deedo are one of two kinds: either I am aware she has died and I'm coping well (much better than when I'm awake) or she is in the dream but it is never of any significance. At least I'm not dreaming of those last seventeen months, I can live with the dreams I do have.

It's the ebb and flow of the tsunami we are all caught up in. It is one of the things I have detested most about the grief journey; every time I feel like I am doing okay I'll have a day or two or ten just like you've had Darrel. I am not an angry person; I taught for forty years and thirty of those years were junior high. I am good at being calm. But I went through a period a little more than a year ago where I was spoiling for a fight. That anger just kept building turning me into a not so nice person and a pretty lousy driver. But that too passed (I hope).

Gwen - it makes perfect sense. The things I miss are those glances back and forth that say so much, the touches, the knowing that we both are the most important thing to each other; nothing can compete. The kids and grandkids are wonderful but it isn't the same. We talk frequently but I still spend the vast majority of my days listening to music, hiking, playing on the computer and reading; all solitary activities. When Deedo was here, even if she was cooking and I was back in the den creating lesson plans, that solitude was not the same as this is.

Just finished Deedo's Book of Secrets. What a challenging two days it has been. More tears shed the past thirty-six hours than in the past thirty-six days. But they were/are ( I don't think I'm finished yet) cathartic tears, tears of gratitude for a truly remarkable life together, tears of love for that most amazing woman, tears of pain for the hole that is now in my heart/soul, tears of laughter at her craziness and off the wall sense of humor. When finished, the book was condensed to sixty pages and submitted to be published in hard back. I ordered four copies; one for each of us. I also sent in all of our VHS tapes to be burnt on Blueray and ordered eighteen DVDs. When everything arrives the kids and I will need to have a marathon of laughter and tears. I don't know if I'll have enough paper towels, may need to resort to bath towels and the dryer.

Marita - Tomorrow will be a hard day. I am wishing you peace and comfort. Brad

And that my dear Gin is the rub. Trying to conceptualize a future void of that one person who made us feel complete. I know I need to define my new normal; the new normal I currently find myself in is not what I want. What I want I cannot have. So I need to either find a way to continue in solitude and be content with that; yet I miss persoanl interaction. Or I need to find a way to open myself up for new experiences. The trouble is the things I have always enjoyed are pretty much solitary activities.

Gin - Thank you for reminding me of the book. I think I'll reread it.