AnnieO

Thanks so much for your replies. Everyone has so many good points and advice. Part of me wishes we had just been honest at the beginning, but my mom didn't want anyone to know, especially her grandchildren. I think that's why we did the things we did. Honestly, when I first heard their diagnosis, I was so shocked, I couldn't put 2 thoughts together, let alone figure out how to help my kids with the truth. I went into survival mode and did all I could do to help my parents. I had so many questions and so much anger, sadness, I couldn't begin to know how to help my kids if I told them back at the beginning. Wendy- my parents died 10 months apart and yes, I think my kids know there is more to what they have been told. And I agree, they are at the age when they think nothing bad could possibly happen to them. I know they will be angry with me for not tellng them. But, I did the best that I could at the time, I was watching my parents die, basically at the same time and I thought I was protecting my kids. Its always been in my head that it wasn't "if" I tell my kids, but "when"..but now that that time is approaching , I am so sad and afraid. Leeann- I agree, AIDS is nothing to be ashamed of. But sadly not everyone agrees with that. I saw first hand the stigma that goes along with this disease. I saw people at the hospitals and nursing home, come into to talk to my mom, dressed in full biohazard gear, face masks, 2 pairs of gloves etc...I saw people afraid to touch my mom, they put signs on the doors, telling people to check with the nurses before entering....etc. I understand the fear and for people who do not know much about HIV/AIDS, it can be very scary. I brought in people to talk to the nursing staff and physcial therapy people, I wanted everyone to understand it was okaytp touch my mom, to hug my mom or hold her hand. Things did change, but I did not want my kids to see my mom feeling ashamed.

I apologize ahead of time if this is not the right place for my post. I don't know where else to go. I have such a hard decision ahead of me and really need some advice. I will try to make this short. As many of you know my parents died of AIDS. At the time we made the decision to keep their illness, private. Very private. Right or wrong, I don't know. This site is the only place I have ever talked openly about it, not even my closest friends know the truth. Even my two children do not know the truth. My 20 yr old daughter has now become involved with a 29 yr old man, I cannot tell you how many red flags and baggage this man has. It's breaking my heart. She has changed so much , her grades , her attitude, her interests...etc. I have friends that tell me, its just a phase, "we all acted out and were rebellious"...etc. And yes, that's true, BUT..back in my wild days, we didn't have HIV to worry about. I want to tell her the truth about my parents. I want her to have every bit of information that she can possibly have as she grows up and makes her own decisions, good or bad. I have always said I wish there was something I could do to help educate people about HIV, so that what happened to my parents would never happen to anyone else'. How can I do this if I can't even tell my own daughter ? I feel like I am keeping something from her that one day could save her life. My husband doesn't want to tell her. He doesn't want to destroy happy memories or deal with the anger she will have towards my parents or us for not telling her. She goes back to school in 5 days. Do I tell her and then send her back to school to deal with this on her own? Chia, Emptyinside, if I remember correctly, you are both college age people, any insight you could share with me? I know I wasn't much help to my kids when my parents were dying, I wasn't available to them , my own pain and grief isolated me from them....I will live with that the rest of my life, so I have to be there for them now and do what-ever it takes to protect them. Right? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks so much for listening.

Since I spend alot of time in barns, I am always looking for ways to stay warm. I buy the heat packets you can put in your gloves , pockets and boots. They are great. But my favorite thing is my heated mattress cover. It warmer by your feet and then gets less warmer up by your head. I turn it on an hour or so before I get in bed and its wonderful.

Thinkspring, As I am sitting here with -20 windchill, I do indeed think about spring! I am so sorry about your mom. I saw that we are the same age, my mom died 2 years ago and my dad 1 year ago. I agree with MLG, don't be too hard on your dad. He is in pain and probably did what he thought was best. I remember when we got the call my mom was dying, I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. My dad stopped and picked up a newspaper and brought in his breakfast. I was so furious with him, I thought "how in the world are you going to sit and read the paper and eat, while your wife dies?"...but looking back, I know now, he was in shock and so terrified. He didn't know what to do, just like your dad he didn't read anything or learn about what was happening to my mom. I had to tell him to hold her hand if I left the room. I was the only one my mom could talk to about dying. I am glad you found this site and are reading all the posts. There are wonderful, caring people here. Keep posting. You are not alone.

Chai, What a treasure...to have a recording of your dad. That is something I wish I had, something with my mom's voice on it. I know there are videos but haven't been able to watch any yet. I think the one thing that stands out in my mind and I might have posted this a while ago... I have collected snowglobes my entire life, my mom always gave me one for Xmas. She died on Dec.7th, and a few weeks later a snowglobe was delivered to my house...it was from my mom, she had ordered it before she died. That snowglobe I keep out all year, on my nightstand.

I hope you don't mind if I post here for a moment. I started to read the post and with each new post and name, it made me so sad. But then I also realized what a powerful list this is . To me this is a list of the most loving, caring, kind people I have met, people who have more strength and courage than I can imagine. I am honored to read each of your names and your loved ones names. I wish you all peace in 2009.

Emptyinside, This might sound strange, but my therapist had me put a picture of my dad, in a chair and I "talked" to him. It was quicker than writing down all the things I had to say. She also told me to set aside time to grieve each day...I know we grieve all day, but she had me set aside time where I could light a candle, be alone and cry, weep, sob , yell , what-ever I had to do. If I remember, many members here have done this too. Might be worth a try.

Patti, I am glad you got your new dog and kept your husband too! I wanted to tell you, my parents always took us to the ocean too. For 22 years we went to the same place, we would just get more and more condos as our families grew. Lots of wonderful memories. We have gone back since they have died, its very bittersweet, but all the grandchildren want to keep going back. Hope you have a peaceful night.

Patti, It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and daughter, who love you so much. I thought what your husband said about your "tour of duty being over" was a good explanation. I remember when I first started feeling a little better and stronger, my husband said it was so good to see me smile again. It doesn't mean we don't love our parents, I know your parents would want you to smile again too. I kept very busy too, although I didn't go out in public very much, too painful and I couldn't handle the unexpected "grief bursts" when I was out shopping. I stayed at home until my therapist and my family told me it was time to start getting out. It wasn't easy but I knew it was the next step in getting a little more of my life back. I am an animal lover too and it was just so much easier to stay home with the animals! I really admire your husband and daughter for knowing how to help you, even if you aren't sure right now. Let them help. Take care.

Southern Eagle, I agree, don't shut out your husband and daughter, they want to help and they too are grieving. I shut out my family and just recently I apologized to them and my daughter told me she understands but at the time she didn't and thought I was being selfish. She was upset that I wasn't available to them , to help them grieve with me. I realize now it was a huge mistake. I didn't mean too, I just wanted to be alone. My mom died Dec 06 and my dad died 10 months later Oct.07. I am married, have 2 kids , am in my 40s and suddenly I am an orphan. Maybe that's why you feel like you are having a harder time with your dad's death. There are many times I will be at a family gathering and realize everyone has a parent there but me. I think losing your last parent makes you feel very,very alone. After my parents were gone my brother started having some very serious health issues. I had taken care of both my parents during their illness.I felt like I should take charge and be there for my brother..I realized I had nothing left to give . I was exhausted. My grief therapist told me I had to start making boundaries and take care of myself. I would give you that same advice. Yes, everyone needs and expects you to be the strong one, well, now you need to pass that responsibility to someone else for while. You are not alone. Keep posting here.

I actually bought my mom a present this year. She has been gone 2 years. I didn't really buy it "for her"...its just when I saw it, it would have been the perfect Xmas gift for her...so, I bought it for myself. She collected Santas and I found a beautiful carved and painted wooden box, inside were 3 carved and painted Santas. They are beautiful. I have them sitting out and it makes me think of her everytime I walk by and I can picture her opening the gift and loving it and that makes me smile.

It strange, but I was trying to remember my time-line for shock and I can't remember exactly when it wore off. I think it was somewhere between 3-4 months I realized I was no longer numb. I think it started wearing off after a month . After it had worn off, I felt like the shock had actually been protecting me. Does that make sense? Unfortunately, I am a person who didn't deal with their grief, I buried it as far down as I could. I think I couldn't deal with it because I only had one week after my mom died, before I was taking care of my dad and he was dying. I ended up in really bad shape. That's when I started seeing a grief therapist and she helped me so much. It was some of the hardest "work" I have ever done, but I had to learn to let the feelings out and deal with them. I know from everyone here on the site, that all of our grief is different, there is no set time for any part of this. It changes day to day. You mentioned you aren't crying as much as you thought you should be...I remember thinking that about myself and then weeks later I remember thinking, " I can't stop crying".... I learned I couldn't put expectations on my grief. I couldn't compare it to anyone else's. And having never gone thru this, I had no idea what would come next. Keep trying to journal, it will help. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Em, I agree, your dad is in a safe place. And all the feelings you are having are part of your grief. Have you been to a doctor? I am not an expert but the pacing and shortness of breath could be an anxiety attack. It might be helpful to see your doctor. One day all these memories you are having will be such a huge comfort to you. I know I had a period of time where my mind raced and I couldn't stop the thoughts and they were the same thing over and over...I too felt like I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop the thoughts. I started seeing a grief therapist and she helped me thru that part, she told me it was important for me to be able to stop my thought process when it became "obssessive"... and to learn relaxation techniques. Just an idea. And maybe your dream wasn't just a dream. Maybe your dad is telling you he is okay and he didn't leave you, he is around you just in a different way. When my mom died we were told we had 3-4 months with her. The next day after we were told that, she said "I can't do this anymore" closed her eyes and died 14 hours later. Maybe it was your dad's time to go, no matter what hospital he was at, you cannot blame yourself for this. I did not know your dad, but know he would not want you to end your life. When you are having those desperate times and those thoughts come into you mind, think about what that would do to your dad and your family. You are not alone and you will get thru this... I used to break the day into 3 hour sections. I would just focus on three hours and surviving those 3 hours...I would try to eat something, rest and get something done on my list. Sounds strange, but it helped. Hang in there.

Holly, I am so sorry. It sounds to me that you took care of your mom and did the very best that you could. Your mom knows that. I read somewhere that heaven or any afterlife we believe in , is the "reward" for your life here. I am sorry your family is not the support that you need right now. Don't let them pull you into their problems. You need to take care of yourself and you also said you are caring for you dad too. We didn' t have hospice with my mom, we thought we had more time. She died in a rehab(physcial rehab) part of a hospital. They do not have many patients who die there, ususally peole are there for a hip or knee replacement and go home. But that day we were lucky to have a very young nurse that worked part-time in a nursing home, she told us exactly what was happening and what to expect next. When we knew my dad was dying we got hospice involved, thinking we didn't want to do this all alone. He was in a nursing home, but the extra care was very nice. The only thing that bothered me about hospice , was when we knew it was just a matter of hours, I called the hospice team and told them. They thanked me for calling and said to call back if I needed anything. I guess its unrealistic but I assumed someone would come and sit with us and help us. We didn't hear from anyone for 3 days. So, I am not sure how I feel about hospice. Keep posting here, it really does help. Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

Mike, My brother and I both love Monty Python! Now we have my 17 yr old son hooked on it too.

I don't know why this popped into my head,but today I remembered a funny Xmas gift my mom gave me. It wasn't supposed to be funny, but it was. Years ago during college, everyone was wearing those wool, crew neck sweaters with your initials on it. My mom got me an apple green one (favorite color) with navy intitials. I opened it up and loved it, but then started to laugh, my mom had accidently put her initials on it! She was so shocked, we laughed so hard. Years later, she got me a gold ring with my initials on it. and once again, accidently put hers on it! I laughed out loud today when I remembered the moment she realized she had done it again, what a wonderful memory. If anyone else had a funny Xmas gift or Xmas memory of their loved one and would like to share it, I would love to hear it.

Chai, Just wanted to share something with you that happened to me yesterday. I realized you and my daugther are the same age, and same year in college. She and I are going thru a rough spot right now and I am really sad about it. Friday I said out-loud to my dad. "I could sure use some re-assurance that you guys are with me, I need to hear the song today." I went to bed and realized I didn' t hear it all day but also realized I didn't have a radio on all day. So, yesterday I went down to feed my horses and turned on the radio and again said, "Dad, don't make me lose my faith that the song really is from you." (you know where this is going don't you?) I went into the feed room and when I came back out into the arena, guess what was on the radio? THE SONG!!! I cried so hard I had to sit down on the ground. I got up, cranked up the volume and it was just blaring all over the barn, it was great! Thank you for making me think so much about music and how it helps to heal. I hope you can have a peacefu day today.

This is hard. I don't want to make anyone feel bad if they haven't had signs from their loved ones. And I don't want to sound like I have gone off the deep-end! As I said ealier, I didn't believe in after-life, but after my mom died it became very hard to ignore the things I was experiencing. There were several "dream visits" , my mom gave me messages loud and clear. Most importantly, she wanted me to know she was in a better place and no longer sick. She sent me messages of love and forgiveness. My brother has been struggling with depression and anorexia, I was so afraid and felt like it was up to me to help him. My mom came to me in a dream and handed me a picture of she and my dad and told me to put it in the suitcase that was by her. I looked at the tag on the suitcase and it was my brother's. I believe it was her way of telling me they would be with my brother when he was in treatment. My son came to me one morning and said he had such a "real" dream. He was told to go in a room and wait. The door opened and it was my dad, he came in and hugged my son and told him he was okay and then wanted to hear the latest news. My son, said, " I hugged him and it felt so real". I have had 4 really powerful dreams , where I am in a room with them , can't explain the joy I feel when I wake up. Lots of thing like that. But then I had a reading with a medium, ( I know its not for everyone) My dad was the one that the medium connected with. As many of you know from past posts, I held my dad responsible for he and my mom's death. I had so much anger and rage. I took care of him the last 10 months of his life and was able to forgive him , somewhat. The medium started off by telling me my dad just kept saying 'I'm sorry, I am so sorry"..something he had never said while alive. He talked about lots of different things that made complete sense. He thanked me for taking care of my mom, he thanked me for following their wishes and not having a funeral, we had a very small memorial service, he said "that day was perfect". There was something that happened during the last hour of his life, I was the only one in the room and never told anyone about it. The medium told me my dad said 'I am sorry about what happened in the room, I know it scared you and I don't want it too, it wasn't scary to me, I wasn't seeing the things you thought I was seeing"....no-one knew anything about that moment, except my dad and I. No-one. My dad loved to mow my yard and took great pride in it. He always thought I mowed too fast. One day I was mowing and I saw my dad's image, looking out my family room window, watching me mow. I slowed down! My brother was very upset when he found out I went to a medium. He didn't want to hear any of it and warned about the devil tricking me. Months later he called me and was so shaken up. He was home alone and heard their teapot whistling, it was on high and boiling like crazy. No one was home and he had been in the shower. He was hurrying to leave and was trying to put on a watch as he walked...it was my dad's watch, he said something hit his elbow, so hard and the watch went flying . He said, "you must think I am crazy but I think it was mom and dad". I have always been "open" to these kinds of things, had many "visits" from different relatives, but always thought they were just strange dreams, but now I believe differently. Now, having said all of this, I don't want anyone to feel sad if they haven't had "signs"...their loved ones are around them. Sometimes maybe the signs are there but not always noticiable. My friend was so sad ,her mom died 3 years ago and she didn't feel like she had felt her mom around her. Now, she is going thru a really bad time and called me and told me she felt her mom, all around her, guiding her. And maybe sometimes I believe things are "signs" even when they are not, but I don't care, it makes me feel better and closer to my parents. Now, Emptyinside, you are not pathetic and certainly not a horrible person....everyone here has lost a loved one and I know for certain we are all kind, caring, loving people, including you. We are all people who have had a horrible thing happen to us and not because of anything we did. You are not responsible for you dad's death and nothing you could have done would have changed anything.

Emptyinside, I never believed in after-life until my mom died. I have had so many experiences that have convinced me, there is an afterlife and my mom and dad are with me everyday. Of course its not the way I want them to be with me, but I know they are here, especially when I need their help. You have to believe that your dad can hear you, he does not want you to take your life, that is not the answer. What about the rest of your family, they need you. I think writing the letters is a great idea. One day it you will know what to do with them. Have you been to a therapist or doctor? They might be able to help you with the anxiety/panic feelings. We have all had the feelings you are having , this stage will get better, I promise you. Just take one hour at a time, breathe, eat, drink fluids and rest.

When-ever I have these types of dreams, I always find myself wondering if they are grief dreams , just normal dreams or dream visits. I know after my mom died I had several where I would see her and she looked so healthy and happy , I believe those were visits and she was letting me know she was no longer sick and in pain.

My dad's song to me is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkwJ-g0iJ6w. Its an old song but I think there is a remix out there now too. I have heard it many times when I really need it. I bought a new horse a few months after my dad died. I was on my way to pick him up, I was alone and was thinking how excited my dad would have been to go with me. I said out loud, "dad , I wish you were here to help me pick up my new horse"....the very next song that came on, was that song. My daughter was having a really, really tough week at college, I had just hung up the phone from talking to her and started crying, my barn radio was on and you guessed it, the song came on. I told my dad, 'I am glad you are here with me, but your grand-daugther really needs you"....my daughter called me back and was crying....she told me " you won't believe it, but grandpa's song just came on my car radio". I know many people would think this was all just a fluke, but I don't believe it is, what-ever it is, makes me feel my dad is still watching over us. I am not sure how much you know about my "story" ...but my dad lived a life filled with guilt, pain and turmoil....I think his song is his way of telling me he is in a better place and at peace.

Not sure I have any advice, but thought I would share my experience with my son. The first death of someone he knew was a friend's mom. He was 13. He did not want to go to any part of it. So, we took a meal over and he just visited with his friend. Next time , another friend's mom died and he went with me to the visitation but not the funeral. Last week a friend of his died, she was 17 years old. My son went to the wake and the next day decided to go to the funeral also. I was proud of him and realized he had to do all of this on his own time. I think its important to find a way to have your kids help their family but not sure I would force them into a situation that makes them so uncomfortable, there are lots of things they could do.

Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you found this site. Do you have other family members that can help with your dad? It doesn't sound like you have any energy to take care of yourself. You need to worry about yourself too. Make sure you eat and drink and rest when you need too. (not easy to do with 4 yr old twins!) Keep posting here, it really does help to know you are not alone and there are so many wonderful people here. Take care of yourself. Again, I am sorry about your mom. My mom died Dec 06 and my dad died Oct 07.

Emptyinside, I still cry when I see moms and daughters together, its been 2 years. I am always cautious when I talk about my faith or beliefs, I hope I am not offending anyone. I believe your dad still has all his wonderful stories, now he has a whole new audience to share them with. I believe he still has everything he had in this world, the stories, the languages he spoke but most of all his love and his memories of you. He still has all of that. And no, the people that still have their dads are not better than you or have a better heart...it has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. It was your dad's time to go and there was nothing in the way you live your life that would have changed that. Anyone that reads your posts can tell right away, you are a loving, wonderful daughter with a very good heart! I am alot older than you and I still can't accept "that's life" and I too, still wail at how unfair it is.

I had a reading with a medium and he told me my dad kept singing a song and showing him the song. I knew the song but couldn't figure out what it meant to my dad. I walked out and got in the car and it was playing on the radio. I have heard it so many times now and often when I am having a bad time. Not sure if this goes along with your post, but I love hearing the song and feel like its a "hello" from my dad.