AnnieO

Chai I have quaking aspen on my property! Now when I drive past, I will think about you and your dad! My two kids and my niece and nephew have decided they are going to find sun-catchers or wind-chimes to hang in the trees we planted. My mom would love that.

Chai and Emptyinside, Please don't think about Father's day right now. Just think about today and getting thru it. Just take each day, one at a time. Chai, that is such a wonderful picture with your name, can I ask who it is of?

I was with both my parents when they died.When I think of them, I work really hard to picture them alive and healthy, I want that memory in my head, not the last time I saw their bodies. I think I have decided that "closure" means acceptance, at least for me. I will never have closure but am learning to accept my life without my parents.

I think I understand. Its like your life was all about taking care of your dad and now you don't know what to do with all the time you have. It just leaves facing the pain doesn't it? Nothing to distract you , even for a moment. I too, got all my mom's medical charts, I studied them. There was a period of time where they couldn't figure out what was wrong. When I go back and look at all they put her through, it breaks my heart. BUT, we didn't know. We did what we thought was right at that moment. I hung onto her charts for almost 2 years. I don't know why, but just 2 weeks ago, I built a fire and burned them. It was healing for me. I remember hitting a point in my grief, where I was so angry and just fed up..it was like I had convinced myself this was a test..I had to go thru losing my parents just as long as I possibly could and then when I said "enough"...I would magically get my parents back. Does that make sense? My mom was my best friend, I saw her everyday and talked to her all day long. I was with friends the other day and they were complaining about taking care of their elderly parents. I pointed out to them the alternative to this , is not having their parents with them. And that when they die, these same people would give anything to take care of them one more day. I am so sorry for you pain. You are not alone.

I have been reading the posts and am so sorry for the pain you are all going thru. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad died Oct 07. I took care of them for almost 3 years. I also blamed myself for not taking better care of them, not doing more, etc. You all loved your parent and did the best that you could. When I was dealing with this guilt, a friend of mine told me, "you made your decisions based on the info. you had , at that moment". You did not know what was going to happen in the next few days or weeks. You did the best that you could at that time. You need to forgive yourself, you cannot change anything in the past. You parent would not want you blaming yourself for anything. You loved them and they loved you and they know you did everything you could to help them.

Mike Xmas was such a huge deal for my mom. She loved every minute of it. Some of my happiest memories are of shopping with my mom, which makes it very hard to walk into a mall now. I discovered online shopping! Its easy and you can find almost anything. You might give it a try!

Leeann, I think we grew up in the same house! Including calling our grandmother, Gram! What a wonderful post, I smiled as I read it. Since my parents are gone and they always had Thanksgiving, its now up to me. I am trying to keep all the traditions and recipes the same.Today I was buying groceries and didn't know what kind of bread crumbs my mom used, I started to cry. There was an elderly lady there and she saw me, I started to smile and laugh and told her my problem, she told me which ones she thought were the best. I think my mom sent her to help me! The one memory I would like to share...every year my mom would make us all write down what we were thankful for. She would keep all the lists and then the following year she would give us a list of what everyone had written down. The lists have really changed over the years. When we were little we were thankful for "home-made strawberry jam, pumpkin pie, new skateboard,our pets, etc" Now its so different, its all about time with our families. We didn't do the thankful lists last year because we had my parents memorial service during Thanksgiving, but this year I will start it back up. Thank you for sharing your memories with us.

Kristin, I am so sorry about Missy. I understand your feelings , wondering if you could have done more..etc. When I read your story, the only thing I could see was how much you loved Missy, you saved her from a shelter or worse. You took care of her, got her medical help and medications when she needed it. Cooked her special food to get her to eat, and let her sleep on your couch! She was loved and she knew it. Don't beat yourself up , you took very good care of her. I had an 8 yr old Bernese Mountain dog. He did alot of the things Missy did, not eating, vomiting, eating grass. He did this off and on for a long time. He stopped eating and I couldnt get him to eat. I was worried, but at that same time , my mom was dying. I called the vet and made an appt. The next day I dropped him off at the vet for tests, I got a call, my mom was dying and I needed to hurry. My mom died at 9:30 that morning. I got home at 3, called my vet. I told him, "I will bring him back later if you need to do more tests, but I just really need to bring him home with me tonight." The vet asked if I could come in at 6pm. They close at 5:30, I knew what was going to happen. My dog was full of cancer and was bleeding internally. I put him to sleep at 7pm, the same day my mom died. I like to think my mom needed him to go with her. And like you, I beat myself up...why didn't I notice how sick he was, why didn't I get him to the vet sooner...etc. But, also like you, I did the best that I could at the time. Go easy on yourself.

Kay, You are such a strong woman. You deserve so much more than this man has given you. You are in my thoughts and prayers . As I read you post, I kept thinking how proud George must be of you, to take this huge step in getting your life back. Stay strong.

Rosemary, I just wanted to tell you, my uncle died when my aunt was 42, she is 82 now and has never taken off her wedding ring.

Anne, I am so sorry about your mom. I am glad you found this site, but sad for the reason. My mom died almost 2 years ago, that still shocks me when I say that, most days it seems like just weeks ago that she died. My dad died 10 months after my mom. If you read alot of the posts, I think you will find that most of us really struggled around 4-8 months after the death of our loved ones, so I think how you are feeling is to be expected. I was so touched by the way you talked about working things out with your mom , and how you took care of her and her she was able to tell you that she was so glad you were with her. My mom and I had always been close, but I was the only one that would talk to her about dying. So, we were able to say all the things we wanted to say to eachother and she could talk to me about dying.I treasure those days. So, I think I can understand how much that time meant to you.I wish I had something helpful to say, please know you are not alone. Take care of yourself and don't push yourself right now or expect too much from yourself. Keep posting, it helps.

Marty, Thanks for sharing your notes. The things you shared just assure me what I have experienced is not "all in my head". When I had a reading with a medium, my brother was very upset with me. He told me it was the devil trying to confuse me, that it states in the Bible, we are not to seek out psychics or mediums. It made me sad because I couldn't share any of the things that were said with the medium, with my brother. I have had such incredible "dream visits", or things that happen during the day to let me know they are around me,those too, I could not share with my brother. But now, he had an experience at his house that he told me about and started by saying"you are going to think I am crazy...but.." I told him no, he isn't crazy, its just that our parents have been trying to let you know they are around and you weren't paying attention, so they had to do something big! I know my parents know I am sad and want me to live my life again and find joy . My parents are no longer in pain, no longer sick and no longer suffering...I know this because in my dreams, they are healthy and happy. So whether these things are real or not, the comfort they bring me and the love I feel when they happen, cannot be from the devil or anything evil or bad.

I am so sorry about your moms. I know this is so hard and I am glad you have found this site. There are so many wonderful people here that can help.I am sorry your uncles are not honoring your mom's wishes, that must be very hard. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad Oct 07. We had my parents cremated, it really didn't change things for me as far as saying good-bye. We had a memorial service and it was full of love and wonderful memories of my parents. I feel that we said "good-bye" to their physical beings, but my parents are with me everyday. I feel them all around me. So while you are sad you cannot hold her hand and tell her good-bye, she is still with you. You could still do something with your letter and book. We just planted 2 trees and put my parents ashes in the ground with the trees. We also put put shells from our favorite beach, where we spent family vacations. Keep posting here, it really does help. You are not alone and know you are in my thoughts.

Kim, Please know I am not laughing at what happened to you, I am not...but when I read Karen's post I too laughed out loud. Something about Karen calling someone a butt-head was just too funny. I had read your post ealier and could not come up with a word strong enough to describe a man like that, someone so cruel, but when I read Karen's post, she had the perfect name for him! He is not worth another thought...or even a tree for the paper! You are a strong,strong caring person, I am glad you will not let this man bring you down.

Liberty, I am not sure I have any words that will help,I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts. My mom died almost 2 years ago, my dad died 10 months later. Some days it seems so long ago and other days it seems like just yesterday. I read a reply to you in another topic and it was really great advice. Take care of yourself, don't push yourself right now, eat when you can and rest when you need too. I know at the beginning of my grief I couldn't imagine ever getting to a different place in my life, the pain was unbearable. As you have probably read on this site, from many different people, its not that it gets better, but it does get a little easier. You adjust to your new normal. And you will find joy in your life again, you will smile again and with time your pain will also give way to happy memories of your sister and your dad. I know that by living my life and trying to find joy everyday, I honor my parents and I am making them proud. It just takes time. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.

Maylissa, I just wanted to tell you I am very sorry you are going thru all of this. I cannot imagine what it must feel like. Just reading about it all, made my head spin. I am very sorry. You mentioned writing a letter to your relatives and the care center. That is exactly what I did...my therapist had me write a letter to my dad(after he died) my brother and his wife. (I had alot of anger!)She had me write the letters and put them away for a week, re-read them and then decide what I wanted to do with them. I did not mail them, I took them outside and burned them. It was an incredible feeling.Sure I still have my angry times, but the rage I was keeping inside me, that was making me sick, went up in smoke with the letters. But, maybe you would decide to mail them and that would be up to you. Either way writing the letter might be helpful. You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace.

A few days ago I too went to visit someone that I had been thinking about but just couldn't bring myself to visit. She is a 17 year old young woman, dying of brain cancer. Her family was told last week that she has 2-3 months to live. That visit will stay with me the rest of my life. I cannot imagine what this family is going thru. I wish I knew something to do that would help.

I felt like I could have written the last few posts here. Last night I was watchiing t.v and just had this quick thought, "oh, I should call my mom before she goes to bed"...she has been gone almost 2 years. Even after 2 years, when I have those moments it still brings me to my knees. I am going to a family wedding next week and am so full of anxiety about it. My entire family will be there and while it will be so fun and wonderful in so many ways, I know all of us will be thinking about my parents and how much they would have loved to be there. I have times where I am not sure I can go. The day I get there is the 1 yr anniversary of my dad's death. There are so many fun things going on with my kids right now, that my parents would have loved and would not have missed for the world. My parents were very involved in politics and with everything that is happening in the country now, I can just imagine the conversations we would have had. My aunt told me when the tv political host Tim Russert died, my parents probably met him at the gate and said "let's talk!" I wish I had some encouraging words for all of us, just know you are not alone and I understand your pain and sadness.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for my family. We finally decided what we wanted to do with my parent's ashes. We planted 2 trees on our property and put the ashes in the ground with the trees. We picked my parent's favorite type of tree. Its some kind of crab tree with bright pink flowers in the spring and berries in the fall. They had them all over their yard and always made us go look out the window when the flowers would blossom, my mom would always say the same thing everytime " have you ever seen anything so beautiful?". So, hopefully this spring I will look out my windows and think to myself, "no mom, I have never seen anything as beautiful as these trees". Today, I woke up and felt more peace than I have in a long time. It just felt so right.

Wendy and Fred, What a wonderful surprise! I remember when I first joined this site, I would read all the posts, including the "loss of a spouse,partner"..I found myself thinking it would be so nice if all of the people posting in that group could find someone special here , someone that understands what they are going thru. Someone to help them thru this hard,hard time. I am so glad you two have found eachother, I wish you all the best. How often do you get to see eachother? Wendy, how does your daughter feel about this? Thank you both for making my day a little brighter with your news.

Deb I remember 8 months was a very hard time for me. My mom died Dec.06 and I still miss her everyday and like you said, some days are harder than others. I hope you have a more peaceful day tomorrow.

Sounds like your dad went thru so much. I agree with you, no-one knows what this feels like unless they have gone thru it. My b-day is Sat and this will be my first one without my dad. He always sent me flowers on my b-day, never missed a year. Is your mom still living? Do you have siblings? I hope today will be a good day for you.

I am glad you found this site. I think you will find many kind and caring people here. I am sorry about your dad. I lost my mom Dec.7th 2006 and my dad died Oct.2 2007, its been almost a year. This is a safe place, you can say anything you want to say. Keep posting, its been a huge help to me. You are in my thoughts.

I cannot believe someone would say that to you. "complaining and a downer" . I am in shock too. Has this woman ever had someone she loved, die? I am not active in a church now, but grew up , always believing that church was a place you could always find compassion, comfort and support. Its so sad that hasn't been the case for you. You have helped so many people here on this site. Is there a way you can get involved with your church and push for a change, make people understand what the church is missing as far as helping people who have had loved ones die? Its probably a huge task, but I just keep thinking about all the people you have helped here. And how nice it would be for a person who has just lost their loved one, to talk to you instead of a woman that tells them "no-one wants to be around them because they complain and are a downer"... One thing I have learned going thru this is, I reach out to friends who are struggling with sadness and pain and I make sure they know they are not alone. You have done that same thing for all of us here.

I don't know if "easier" is the word I would use to describe what happens as time goes by. I feel like I have just had to learn how to live without my mom and dad. My new "normal". I do remember the time around 7-9 months was unbearable, its not like that anymore. I do find joy in my life, I have happy memories of my parents that make me smile. But there are still the moments where I am blind-sided by sadness and it still brings me to my knees. My mom died Dec.06 and my dad died Oct 07. I wish I had more encouraging words to say. I will say, as time went on, I did start to have dreams about my parents, I can't put into words how much those dreams mean to me.