AnnieO

Thank you Shell. Yes he does have a website, Spiritual Medium Christopher Stillar I made the appt months ago but it was worth the wait! 2 people came thru, I was hoping my mom would, but it was my dad. The other person that came thru was an old boyfriend that took his life a few years ago. I was totally shocked . I wasnt expecting him. The highlights were...my dad just kept saying he was sorry, over and over again. He told me I "was such a good mother" the exact thing he would say to my mom about me, but would never tell me. He thanked me for taking care of my mom, he thanked me for"standing my ground and fighting their battle about the memorial vs.funeral" He said the day was perfect. Chris(the medium) said he had no idea why but my dad was showing him a picture of the actress Sandra Bullock. The last movie I watched with my dad was Miss Congeniality. He loved her movies.As my dad was dying, I was upset about what was happening to his eyes. No-one knew that. My dad told Chris to tell me he was sorry about his eyes and that he wasnt seeing , what it looked like he was seeing. And he knew it still bothered me. He thanked me for taking charge of his care and being able to seperate the emotional from the practical things.(that would be something my dad would be impressed with) He even told Chris I didnt get along with my mother-in-law. Which I dont. He told me to "tread lightly around her" and he kept saying my mother-in-law was a "piece of work". Again, his exact words about her when he was alive. He talked alot about my brother and told my brother to forgive himself and to start living and that he loved him. At one point a grandfather was there too...I didnt know either of them,but he said one kept laughing and saying "son-of-a-bit__" When I told my aunt about the reading, and told her that part, she just gasped and said that was my mom's dad.He always said that. I went in really preparing myself that this would not be real. But there were too many things that my dad said, things that no-one would possibly know except my dad.When I talked to Chris about my mom not being there, he asked if my mom and I were close, if we had resolved everything we had to before she died. Yes we did. He said, maybe there wasnt anymore to say.And you know, I think thats right. He said my dad came thru with such urgency, he said my dad had so many things to resolve. So, today I know my dad loves me, he is proud of me, he finally thanked me for taking care of he and my mom. And most of all he told me he was sorry. All the things I needed to hear. Thanks for listening Shell.

I know this is always a touchy subject, but for those interested, I just got off the phone with medium, Christopher Stillar. I am over-whelmed...it was amazing. I am so glad I did it. He told me things that no-one on this planet would have anyway of knowing. Things were said that made me cry but also made me laugh. I had hoped to connect with my mom,but my dad came thru loud and clear! He had alot of things to say to me and I needed to hear them! Feel free to email me if you want more details.

I have been so worried about my brother, he is really struggling with his own demons since my parents died. I have been asking my mom for guidance. One morning I was "talking" out-loud to her and told her I needed her help. I ran some errands and when I came out of a store, there wasnt another car on the street except mine and right in front of the door was a Pt Cruiser, the same color she had. I laughed and told her, "okay, the car is a nice sign, but I need more" . That night she came thru loud and clear. I wont bore you with the details of the dream, but at one point my name was called over a PA system and told to go to a building. I went in and there were my mom and dad. THey looked younger, healthy and happy. The best part was, I hugged them. I know it must sound crazy but I can still feel it, it felt so real. I asked them what it was like, my mom laughed and said, "oh, its so busy, but beautiful" We talked about my brother and my mom told me she knew I was worried and to make sure I didnt give up on him. My dad said something funny and my mom laughed. I told her I was surprised she was laughing at his jokes again. She told me, "oh, he is funny again". They told me they had to leave, I begged them not to and started crying. They were gone. An older woman walked into the room, I didnt know her, but a young woman walked in and when they saw eachother they started hugging and crying. I looked around and it felt like a huge train station, people were coming and going and reuniting..it was like a huge "visitors station". I woke up crying, I didnt want to leave my parents, but then I was crying because I saw them and they are okay, they are happy, healthy and according to my mom, very busy! Dream or not, it brought me such a peaceful feeling. I love thinking about it. Thanks for listening.

Take pictures that you can post! I wish I could be there.

I wish I knew how to help you. I know how horrible this is. Keep posting here, it does help. Its been a little over a year since my mom died. It does get easier , I still miss my mom, everyday , but I can think of happy memories now, not just the pain. Take good care of yourself, take it hour by hour. You are not alone.

Leeann, I had to smile when you asked if someone could give you a note to excuse you from having to do this. I would happily give you a note, but then I am not sure who you would give it too. My mom died Dec.06, that same time my dad went into the hospital and we knew he would not be coming home. We decided to sell their house and things went so quickly. I had to get it ready to sell and then pack up everything after it sold. It is all a blur. I gave away everything, and I mean everything. I was numb, and now I realize it was a mistake. I went to my cousin's house last month and was shocked when I walked in, it was like walking into my parent's living room. I did not remember who , had what. I dont regret that my cousin has these things, I just realize I did it all too soon and too fast. I am glad most of the things went to my relatives. But, I kept very little for myself and I regret that. I too have a few boxes in my basement that I am afraid to open the top. I peek too! My mom was not sentimental about clothing and I know she would be pleased that I donated all of her clothing. Although I saw a guilt that was made out of a loved ones favorite clothing and all the grandchildren had one. That would have been nice. Drew- when you get ready to go thru your mom's house. Take the advice given earlier. Have people there with you. My aunt and cousin were with me day after day and although we cried and cried, we also found things to smile and even laugh about. It made it much easier. One thing that made us laugh, we discovered my mom ordered the silliest gadgets from tv and none of them worked! We never knew she did this! I meant "quilt" not "guilt"....sorry.

Deb I am so sorry about your mom. I am glad you found this site. Its been a huge support for me. My mom died Dec.06, she was 71. Like Shell said, my life has never been the same, I am just trying to figure out my new life without my mom. I miss her everyday. There is no time schedule to grieving, but with time , the happy memories will help you get thru the tough times. Take care of yourself.

Melody, My Bernese Mountain Dog died the same day my mom died. I think my mom needed him to go with her.It makes me smile to think they are together. I got a laugh out of your doggie door dilema. 5 months after Ripley died, I decided it was time to get another dog. I got a Newfoundland. He is 10 months old and already weighs 130 pounds. My husband was very surprised when I picked this breed. He said I just keep getting bigger and bigger dogs! I am sorry for your loss, I know its so hard.

Cindi, I agree, we are entitled to feel sad. I had a very wise young man say something to me the other day that made me realize he is one of the few people in my life that just really "gets it". He saw the bottle of antidepressants, and asked me about them. He wanted to know who thought I should take them.I said my husband and my doctor. He asked me if I thought it was depression or grief, because he thinks its grief. Then he said "not many people lose both parents within 10 months of eachother. It could be years before you feel better and you will probably never be the same person but for right now, I think you are doing just fine". How did I end up with such a wise, 16 yr old son? He gets it. I am just sad and I cant make everyone around me understand, that I just need to be sad.

Good for you! I know I feel stronger when I get thru a difficult day. Not only did you get thru it, but you got a special rose from Al.

I felt like I was reading a description of my life as I read your post. My mom died Dec.06 after being sick for 2 years. My dad died Oct.07. I took care of both of them and their home. At that time my daughter was still in HS and my son was in 9th grade. I too, took care of everyone and everything. My dad got sick a week after my mom died, so I had to put off grieving to take care of him. We had a memorial for my parents Thanksgiving week-end, it was that next week that everything caught up with me. Dec is a blur. I do think I am doing better now. It just takes time. So I dont have any wonderful advice other than to take care of yourself and Iwanted to tell you I understand what you are going thru.

Nettan, I am glad you were able to register and start posting. This site has been a huge support for me. There are wonderful people here. I am so sorry about your granny. It's wonderful you had so many good years with her and your happy memories will help you get thru this. I lost both my parents recently, but I am writing to you because you sound like you had the same relationship that my daughter had with my mom. She also called her grandmother, her soul-mate. They were so close and my daughter was devasted when she died. Its been a little over a year and my daughter is doing very well. She still misses my mom , cries often about her, but she is also able to laugh at funny memories or funny stories about my mom.I know not a day goes by that she doesnt think about her and wish she could see her, but she knows my mom wants her to be happy again. So, yes it will get better and you will love life again..it will just take time. Keep posting.

Drew I wonder if you would call my 20 yr old daughter and tell her its a "good thing" that I call her for no reason, or call her to see where she is and who she is with? I know someday she will realize, I do this because I love her and am thinking about her...the same reasons your mom called you. I miss my mom's phone calls too.

Just wanted to tell you, I have 2 friends who have had surgery for the same reason. They both say it was the best thing they ever did. They feel so much better now. They both took if easy for a week to two weeks after surgery but bounced back quickly after that. I hope your surgery goes well and you will be feeling better soon.

Tammy, I am so sorry about your dad. It sounds like the two of you had a wonderful life together. (Hey Jude is one of my favorite songs!) My mom died Dec.7 2006 and then my dad died Oct.2 2007. I too , try to focus on the fact that my parents are no longer suffering. I am glad you found this site. It has been a huge support for me. Keep posting. You are in my thoughts.

Cindi, Your relationship with your aunt sounds like mine. My mom was my best friend but also my aunt's best friend. My aunt and I have become so close, but sometimes its so painful when we are together, its so raw and we both know the other's pain. Sometimes I feel like we are putting so much pressure on ourselves to fill the void, for the other.(if that makes sense). I am sorry you didnt find the things your mom was talking about. My most treasured thing I have is a snowglobe(I collect them and my mom got me one every Xmas) and its because my mom had my aunt order if for me before she died and she signed a card too. It came after Xmas and after my mom had died. I agree , it doesnt matter how our moms died, the pain is still unbearable.

Kathy, I am so sorry about your mom. My mom died Dec.7th 2006, and my dad died Oct.2 2007. I too, try to focus on the fact that they are no longer suffering. I wish I had something helpful to say to you, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Keep posting it really does help.

Drew, Even though there is a big age difference between you and I...I too, just want to talk to my mom. I have a husband and teen-age kids that are really great and supportive, but, its not the same. I agree, no-one cares like your mom! I bought a new horse a couple of months ago, my parents would have been so excited for me. Last week I started seeing a doctor for some hip problems, my mom would have been so worried and concerned. So, both the good and bad news, my mom would have cared so much and even though I am surrounded by people, I feel very alone. I always said my mom was my greatest cheerleader, its so hard to not have that anymore. Your mom is so proud of you. And I think Shells idea was great, you could get all kinds of "motherly" advice from all of us here!

Last week I had a phone call from the director of the Mn Aids Project. (MAP) This year is their 25th anniversary and they are looking for 25 "stories" to tell.(webiste,publications,etc) He asked if I would consider telling my parents story. He believes my story would help show the diversity of people effected by HIV, and that the love and support my family gave my parents would help other families going thru the same thing. I thought long and hard and talked to my brother about this and have decided to do it. They wanted to interview me, but I told them it is too hard to talk about, but I would be willing to write about it. I have been working on it for a few days. I realized as I finished, I had left out all my anger,it ended up being more about love and compassion. I kept out many personal details, that I feel are too private and I still feel a strong need to protect my parents. I cant put into words how healing this has been for me. At the same time my brother had something important happen to him. He was at church, struggling to get thru the service. A woman sitting beside him,noticed he was having such a hard time. She sought him out after the service and introduced herself. She runs the AIDS ministry in their church. My brother had never met this woman and he said he didnt know why but he told her about our parents and then fell apart. They went for coffee and she was so kind and caring. She wants my brother to help her in her ministry. I think he will. I believe all of this is happening for a reason. I mean, there are 4000 members in this church, but this woman was sitting right next to my brother.My brother has always said, he has to believe something good will come out of all of this. If we can help someone going thru this horrible pain, I know my parents will be so proud of us. As Marty said, this must be "divine guidance". Thank you for listening.

I am so sorry about your mom. My mom died Dec.7 2006. I too, still feel lost. I still think of calling her 100 times a day. I am glad you found this site. It has been a huge support to me. I am so sad about your sister. You and your family will be in my thoughts and I hope that your sister finds her way back to you soon.

Hello I am so sorry about your mom. I am glad you joined the site. You will find so many wonderful and caring people here. My mom died Dec.7 2006 and my dad died Oct.2 2007. This site has been a huge support for me. Keep coming back. You will be in my thoughts.

Hello When I saw the post "complicated grief"..I realized I am going thru exactly that. I had so much anger towards my dad, I held him responsible for my mom's death and then his own. I went to a therapist that only wanted me to focus on my feelings about my dad. She actually said, "its okay to hate him, in fact you should" I didnt see how this was going to help me heal. Then just last week I had a friend that asked me "if I ever thought about my dad". yes, I do...all the time. I have thought long and hard about the good and the bad things about my dad. I am now letting go of the bad and focusing on the good and by doing that I have given myself permission to love my dad and miss him.Of course there are still angry moments,but there were so many good things about him and I know he never meant for any of this to happen. And its healing for me to acknowledge my love for him and most of all my forgiveness.

Drew, I too, had to sign the DNR papers for both my mom and dad. And in my darkest hours I relive those last hours and wonder if I did the right thing..in my head I know I did. And so did you. Dont ever doubt yourself, you loved your mom and you made the hardest decision you will ever have to make and you did that out of love. Have a peaceful night.

Cindi, I am so sorry about your mom. I can't believe what was said to you at work. That is so awful. My mom died Dec.7th 2006 and my dad died Oct.2 2007. I remember right after my mom died a woman that I only knew thru my son's soccer , sat with me once in my car and said,"tell me about your mom"..it was so wonderful, I needed to talk about her and finally someone let me talk about her. I recently started taking an antidepressant, my son saw the bottle and asked me about it. He was surprised, he asked me who thought I should take them. I told him , "my doctor and your dad"...he told me that not many people go thru what I did, losing both parents so close together. And that it might take me years to feel better and for right now he thinks I am doing just fine. Pretty wise and compassionate, coming from a 16 year old boy. If only the rest of the people around me understood as well. A while back some of us posted things about our loved ones, not about their deaths or illnesses, but about their life...happy or funny things. so, if you care too, tell me about your mom. I would love to hear about her. And I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

Drew, I am so sorry about your mom. Your story brought back so many memories for me. I lost my mom in Dec. 2006 and my dad 3 months ago. I too, was the main caregiver, I know how hard that can be.I admire your strength and courage. I was 45 years old when my mom first got sick, I cant imagine taking care of my parents at your age.I am sure your mom is so proud of you, she raised a wonderful young man. Please keep posting, there are so many caring people here. You will be in my thoughts.