MartyT

My dear Erik, We're so very sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing with us a picture of your darling Jake. What a handsome fellow he is, and how your heart must be breaking as you long for his physical presence here with you now. I'm sure that by sharing your love, your heart and your home with this precious little fur person, you gave Jake a taste of Heaven before he actually retired there. I hope the memory of all the wonderful moments you shared together will one day bring you comfort. Please know that we're all thinking of you . . .

As a hospice bereavement counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I’ve encountered many distraught animal lovers whose beloved dogs or cats have gone missing. These animals may have escaped from their home or yard, run off while traveling with their owners, been taken in by a stranger, or even outright stolen. I have a special place in my heart for such pet parents, because I’ve been there, too - as I describe in this excerpt from my book, The Final Farewell: One Christmas Eve my beloved cockapoo, Muffin, went off hunting for rabbits and was gone for four long days. It was the saddest and most painful holiday I had ever known. I was inconsolable. How does one resolve that kind of grief? Was he dead? Was he hurt and lying in some cold, dark ditch somewhere? Had someone picked him up and stolen him? Would I ever find out what had happened to him? How could I go on with celebrations with family and friends when my heart was breaking? How could I leave the house even for a moment, knowing that he might come back home while I was gone? Shouldn’t we search for him one more time? How could I be so upset over a dog? Read on here.

Dear Ones, In another post today, Wendy suggested that, along with adding your loved one's name to our Special Days Calendar, you might also want to light a virtual candle online. If you'd like to remember your loved one in this simple but very special way, take a moment to visit this site and follow the instructions you'll find there: Light a Candle Online

Boo, dear, it's true: You most certainly are in good company. See, for example, the posts in this thread: They Don't Get It See also the very lively discussion that occurred in this particular thread: Losing a Spouse is Not the Same as Losing A Parent

And so am I

Kim, dear, of course you are in our thoughts and prayers, and we are sending peace and healing to you . . . Please keep us informed, as you are able to

This announcement comes to us from Grief & Creativity Coach Kara L.C. Jones: What: Grief: Finding Our Way - 6 Week, Online Small Group Session Starts: April 3rd, 2009 Weekly: Materials available for download every Friday by Noon (PST) on April 3, 10, 17, 24 and May 1, 8 Place: Connect in from wherever you are whenever it is convenient for you Price: See below for participation options! "...I will use these tools forever..." -Grief: Finding Our Way participant Participant Benefits include * Discovery of Your Sacred Space * Conscious Exploration of Grief's affect on Self-Story * Choosing to Integrate “a new normal” and release expectations of “old normal” * Tending to Your Best Self with time dedicated to you each week * Creativity as Fuel for your projects and BEing * Learning to Live Life After Loss by practicing with new self-care tools * Exploring at your own pace throughout the six week session and beyond * Materials to inspire other concurrent, self-development coaching or therapy you are doing * heART Group Level sharing and support on the private class forum * Creative Coaching Level to take your experience to a deeper level of exploration Prices, Registration, & Participation Options: Level 1: Self Paced $24/person (10 spot available) Copy of Mother Henna's "Creative Supplies" introduction Weekly workbook exercises posted in PDF format. Weekly MP3s for your listening meditations & experiences. Level 2: heART Group $44/person (10 spots available) Everything in Level 1 PLUS: Password Protected, moderated forum board dedicated as safe, sacred space for your group only. Forum board discussion and private messaging with your peers and the facilitator. Level 3: Creative Coaching $114/person (6 spots available) Everything in Level 1 and 2 PLUS: One hour personal tele-coaching with Grief & Creativity Coach Kara L.C. Jones. (Note: Long distance charges may apply as with any call on your phone service.) Registration will remain open until spots are filled or until the day before class starts, whichever comes first. About Grief: Finding Our Way It might be the written word that leaps out and pulls us back to life after grief shatters everything. It may be that we have to learn (or re-learn) that art is as present grief, and then allow the art to reshape us as readily as grief destroyed us. The path from the moment of crisis and loss back to some sort of transformed life will not look exactly the same for any of us. But the tools for creating our unique paths are available to any and all of us. We must make the choice and commitment to pick up the tools, try them out, cherish what works, and let go of what does not work. This does not mean we "get over it" or "find closure" or forget what happened. It simply means that we find ways to use creativity to integrate grief experiences into our everyday lives. We learn to live again after death. We learn to prosper again after total loss. This grief coaching group is all about trying out various tools, playing, finding our way. It isn't just "rebuilding brick by brick". This session is about finding the grains of sand that can become pebbles, that become rocks, that become cement, to make the bricks with which we can rebuild one by one. No previous art experience necessary. Some participants just use the process for self discovery and relaxation practice. Others use session materials to fuel writing memoir, novel, short stories, poetry, making art, journalling, collage, painting, scrapbooking or other expressive arts. It's entirely up to you.

Farmum, I am so very sorry for your loss, and you have our deepest sympathy. You can be exactly who you are here with us. Your broken heart and soul are safe here, where you will be wrapped in the warm embrace of our compassion, support and love.

Jackie, dear ~ Please know that I'm thinking of you on your Special Day today, and holding you gently in my heart

Kathy, dear, I think this is why someone invented the word "bittersweet" ~ it describes so well this co-existence of totally opposite feelings that you are feeling right now. Congratulations on the birth of your precious grandson. I'm so sorry that you weren't able to share this wonderful news with your mom in person, but I have a feeling that she is well aware of the joy this little one will bring into your life. May your darling little grandson grow to be as special a person as his grandmother and his great-grandmother, and may he be forever blessed with the wonder of your love.

My dear Maylissa, In the limited time I have available this morning, this is the best I can offer right now, and I sincerely hope it helps as you compose your own Letter to the Editor. Certainly you are free to quote anything I've said here. The following is a copy of an e-mail I received two years ago from a visitor to my Grief Healing Web site, along with the response I sent to her: In a message dated 1/10/2007 11:39:02 P.M. US Mountain Standard Time, this individual wrote: I'm sure you are a lovely person. You volunteer at hospice and have gone through grief yourself and I am sorry for your losses. But I am grieving, too. I lost both of my parents 3 years ago and they died just 9 days apart. They were sick and elderly (88 and 84) and had been in the hospital for about a month when they passed away. I can tell you that it was horrible; more horrible than you can ever imagine. I watched them suffer and then lost them both. Since then, I've also lost two uncles and my favorite aunt. With my uncle's death in September, I really had a set back in the grieving process and I finally decided that I better get some professional help from a psychiatrist. I did and he put me on antidepressants. Now, on to the purpose of this email. And I don't mean to attack you, I really don't mean this email like that. I just want you to know that I don't think that your grief site should include grief over lost pets. I like animals but I promise you that I never cried every day for three years over a dog no matter how much I liked him. It is just somehow belittling to have grief over a pet included in the same sentence as grief over a loved person. I use this point.....and I don't have a child in Iraq...thank goodness.....but let's just say that a parent is suffering from the loss his child in the war....and comes looking for help and finds himself or herself on a website where somebody is lumping in the loss of a pet with that of losing a child. I don't think it would be very well received. Of course, you have the right to put anything you want on your website and I know that....I just think maybe you should rethink the pet thing..please. Again, this is none of my business but you have obviously put a lot of time in this site, and you apparently are truly caring person, and this is just not right. Thank you for your time. This is my response: My dear friend, Please accept my deepest sympathy for all the deaths you've endured these last few years. I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been for you, and I am so very sorry for all your losses. That said, I also want to thank you for writing to me to express directly to me your strong feelings about my addressing the death of a cherished pet on the same Web site as the death of a person. Because you were kind enough to write to me, you've given me the opportunity to explain why I've done this, and I greatly appreciate that. I don't know that you will find my explanation acceptable, but I will offer it anyway, just for your consideration. First, I do indeed work for a hospice, but not as a volunteer. I am a certified bereavement counselor who's been with Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix AZ for the last ten years. If you're willing to get past the home page of my Grief Healing Web site and explore some of the other pages there, you will find more information about me and my professional (as well as personal) background and experience, and learn how I came to be interested in the field of bereavement. See, for example, these pages on my site: About Marty Tousley Articles ~ Columns ~ Books As I state on my site's home page, I am an animal lover too, and for the last 14 years I've also volunteered my time facilitating a monthly pet loss support group for the Companion Animal Association of Arizona, and I help to train volunteers for its Pet Loss Helpline as well. You are not alone in your belief that pet loss does not begin to compare to the death of a person, and it may surprise you to learn that I agree with you completely. It is fruitless to compare anyone's loss with someone else's, regardless of what has been lost. The simple fact of the matter is that the worst loss is the loss that a person is experiencing now. Grief is the normal, human reaction to loss, and the greater the attachment to that which is lost, the stronger the grief one experiences in the wake of that loss. It is the price we pay for love. As a grief counselor, it is not my place to tell another what he or she is "allowed" to love, nor is it my place to pass judgment on his or her attachments. Grief happens following all sorts of losses -- not just death. We grieve the loss of a limb, for example, when a leg is amputated, or the loss of a job we've loved, or the loss of our family home when it and everything in it burns to the ground. If we are deeply attached to an animal companion (and for some, a pet is the only friend they have in this world -- or in the case of a disabled person, it may be his very eyes, or his ears, or his helper) we grieve long and hard when that animal dies. Like any other loss, pet loss is real and for some, extremely painful. Is it different from human loss? Certainly. But that does not mean that it is not worthy of grief, and it does not mean that the bereaved animal lover should feel ashamed of his need for our compassion, understanding, and support. I am passionate in my belief that we in the mental heath professions owe it to our colleagues, and to the public we serve, to do whatever we can to educate ourselves about this important issue of pet loss. For far too long we have disenfranchised bereaved animal lovers, and left them with nowhere to take their grief. This is why I decided to address both person loss and animal loss on my Grief Healing Web site, and I am well aware that mine may be the only Web site to do so. I'm also well aware that some people may find this offensive ~ but if and when I am asked (as you were courteous enough to ask me in your message) I am more than happy to explain. I believe that both my Web sites (Grief Healing, and Hospice of the Valley’s Grief Healing Discussion Groups) serve an educational purpose as well as offering information, comfort and support to the bereaved, because both sites bring together people suffering from all types of loss, including pet loss. Anyone who is open-minded enough and willing to read the personal accounts of the bereaved animal lovers posting in our Loss of a Pet Forum simply cannot doubt the pain these people are feeling. So I cordially invite you to do two things, if you are willing. First, read some of the articles I’ve written on the topic of pet loss. (You’ll find them listed under Pet Loss Articles, but you might begin with Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad About This?) Second, spend some time reading some of the posts in the Loss of a Pet Forum on our Grief Healing Discussion Groups Web site. If after doing this you still feel offended by the work that I am doing, then all I can do is offer my sincere apology to you, and assure you that offending a person in mourning is the very last thing I would ever, ever want to do. Most sincerely, Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT Bereavement Counselor

Towee, dear, this song is simply beautiful, and I hope you'll consider adding it to our list of recommended songs on our Grief Songs Web page. Just scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, and follow the instructions there. (There is no need to put anything in the Website box. Just be sure to include your song's title, the recording artist, and the YouTube link in the body of your post there, just as you did here.)

Wendy, dear, thank you for the reminder ~ and Derek, please know that all the members of your GH family are remembering you and Karen on your Special Day . . .

Rita, dear, thank you for sharing that lovely photo of your darling little girl. So adorable she is! I know she lives forever in your heart. You and Twix are in our thoughts today . . .

This announcement comes to us from holistic veterinarian Dr. Cynthia Juday: Recovery from Pet Loss Workshop June 12 - 14, 2009 An uplifting, transformative weekend experience that empowers you by working through the pain from loss of a pet Directed by Dr. Cynthia Juday, a holistic Veterinarian Learn how to process your grief and transform your life in a positive, supportive atmosphere. How is this workshop different from others? This one is Taught by a holistic veterinarianUses expressive arts to enhance inner vision and healingUses both private introspection and group dynamicsProvides tools for continued healing after the workshopEstablishes a safe environment for personal processingProvides a positive pathway for personal transformation Learn more here: Recovery from Pet Loss Workshop

My dear Nancy, I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Tess last Sunday. I don't know where you live, but I want to point you to an online pet loss support data base / locator service, at Pet Loss Support Page. On the upper right side of the home page, there is a State-by-State Guide to Pet Loss Support Groups, Counselors & Pet Cemeteries. Just click on your State, and the listings for that state will appear. Some other alternatives include the following: - You can find and print out any number of articles by me and by other authors about pet loss. See those listed on the Pet Loss Articles page of my Grief Healing Web site. - You can go to your local library and / or neighborhood bookstore and find one of the many wonderful books written about pet loss. See my site's Articles and Books page for those that I personally recommend. - You could order an audiocassette or CD program on coping with pet loss; those I highly recommend are listed on my site's Audiocassettes, CD Programs page. - You could subscribe to my online e-mail pet loss course. To get a sense of it, click on A Different Grief: Coping with Pet Loss. I hope this information gives you a place to start -- in the meantime, please know that we are thinking of you and sending our deepest sympathy for your loss.

The success of any group depends upon the composition of its members, and you "oldsters" are one of the primary reasons that this place of safety, comfort and support looks and feels the way it does, and continues to be as special as it is. Your loyalty to one another; the kindness, patience, understanding, gentleness, respect, support, encouragement and hope you give to newcomers; the wisdom of your experience; and your continued participation ~ all of this is invaluable to those whose grief journey has just begun and to those who continue to walk this path with you. What would we be without each and every one of you?

Oh Kay! What an amazing idea ~ and how wonderful that you've shared some examples with us so we can see them, too! Your pieces certainly are a reflection of the beautiful person who created them . . .

Hi Kim ~ Welcome back! We missed you, too ~ and you know we'll be thinking of you on your Special Days

Dear One, this is an article I read just now that made me think of you: The Good Grief Club is Born

Oh my, Kathy ~ You certainly did attach it correctly, and now you've left me sitting here in tears. The line, "I sure miss you, but Heaven's sweeter with you there" really got me. Just beautiful! Would you consider adding this one to our list of recommended songs on our Grief Songs Web page? Scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, and just follow the instructions there. (There is no need to put anything in the Website box. Just be sure to include your song's title, artist and YouTube link in the body of your post there, just as you did here.)

Teny, dear ~ I came across this article just now, and thought immediately of you: Hope Resolution 2009: Help Others Deal with Their Losses

Kathy, dear ~ Since your beloved Stephen was on Hospice of the Valley's service, I hope you know that in addition to in-person support groups at various times and places throughout the Valley, you also have available to you (at no cost) short-term individual grief counseling with a professional bereavement counselor. Since you're feeling so alone, this might be a good time for you to take advantage of such support. If you'd like one of our Bereavement Counselors to get in touch with you, just call our Bereavement Office, 602-530-6970.

Dear One, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother ~ please accept our deepest sympathy for your loss. Whether to attend an "in person" support group is a question that comes up quite often here in our forums, and I think you may find this post helpful. Just click here, and please do follow the additional link you'll find in this post, entitled Group Therapy: Trying to Decide): I Feel So Lost

Patti, I'm not sure what "plea" you're asking me to post. Can you explain?