MartyT

Casey, dear, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I know your post has been sitting here for quite some time, waiting for another teen to find your message and respond to you. I hope that in the meantime you've taken time to read some of the earlier posts in this forum, to see that you're not alone. I don't know how you've been dealing with your mother's death these last five months, but there are certain things I would want any grieving teen to know, so I am going to share them with you now – and with others who’ll read this message. (Parts of this message were included in a response I wrote to another bereaved teen in this forum some time ago, but I think this material bears repeating here.) First, grief is best dealt with when you are able to show your emotional pain, talk with others and express your feelings about a loved one's death, and accept support from family and friends. I don't know what support you have available to you, but at your age (as a teen learning to separate from authority figures and find your own identity), it would be very normal for you to feel somewhat alienated from adults. That's why most teens normally turn to their peers for support. At the same time, they don't like to stand out and to feel different from their friends – they want to belong. I can tell you that grieving teens do best when they're helped to find peers who've also experienced a death. They're often very relieved to discover they're not the only ones who've had someone close to them die. I want to encourage you to find someone you trust (a teacher, school counselor, neighbor, friend, relative, clergy person, etc.) and with whom you feel comfortable talking. You need an opportunity to talk about this wonderful person who died and what was special about your mom. Tell about your experience with the death itself: where you were when the death occurred, what happened right afterward and what you're experiencing right now. Share any dreams you may have had about your mom. Write a letter to her and say whatever you need to say. Gather pictures, words and phrases from magazines and make a collage that tells a story about what you remember about her. Call your local hospice and ask if there are any support groups or programs in your community aimed at teens who've lost a parent. (See Find a Hospice Program to search a data base that contains all the hospices in your geographic area.) Go on the Internet and find some of the other sites that offer information, comfort and support to teens who are grieving. See especially these and other sites listed on the Child, Adolescent Grief page on my Grief Healing Web site: The Dougy Center for Grieving Children and Teens Helping Teenagers Cope with Grief KIDSAID: 2 Kids, 4 Kids, By Kids When A Parent Dies Learn what normal grief looks like and feels like, so you'll know that what you're experiencing is normal and that you're not alone. (See, for example, the articles, books and resources listed on my site's Death of a Parent page.) Think about what you need from others right now and let them know about it. People won't know what you need from them unless you tell them. You also need to know that grief changes through the years. It will change you as well, influencing who you are in the present and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of your mother must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life, as different situations will require you to accommodate this loss again and again. You will re-visit your dmom's death continually as you grapple with its meaning— emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually— and as you struggle to find a place for her in your present and future life. Finally, know that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The special bond you have with your mother will stay with you just as long as you keep her memory alive in your mind and in your heart. She will always be your mother and you will always be her daughter. In a very real sense, your mom is very much here with you now, wherever you are, because her spirit and her memory live on in you, and because you are so very much a part of her. In many ways, you are more inseparable now than you were before, because you are not limited by space and time and distance. I'm so glad you found your way to this special place, my dear, and I hope this information proves useful to you. Please accept our deepest sympathy over the loss of your mother, and know that we are thinking of you. And to any other teens who may one day come across this message, please know that you are most welcome here as well. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Peggy, dear, see also I Don't Care How Long It's Been -- Can We Talk about My Loved One?

Teny, dear ~ please see the very first post in this thread (dated January 12), where you'll find directions on how to use the Special Days Calendar. If these directions don't answer your questions, please let me know, and I'll do whatever I can to assist you.

This timely and informative article comes to us from our friend Tony Falzano, and is reprinted here with his permission: Keeping Your Home After Losing a Loved One© 2009 by Tony Falzano In Massachusetts, Bill and Sharon have emotionally “shut down” and ignored their daily responsibilities, including paying their mortgage. Three months after the death of their teenage daughter, they were on their way to losing their home to foreclosure. In California, a middle aged woman named Sonya, suddenly lost her husband. She had no insurance, no savings and no job. She did have 2 teenagers and a seriously delinquent mortgage. The stress caused by the loss of her husband was now heightened by the prospect of losing her home too. Every day, across the country, delinquent homes turn into foreclosures due to people suffering from some kind of loss. There is the loss of income due to unemployment, divorce, incarceration or a tenant not paying. There is also loss of one’s health. And there is the loss of a loved one that causes our world to turn upside down and in some cases, puts us underwater in our financial obligations. In addition, related medical expenses and funeral costs can extinguish savings or retirement plans. So when someone falls behind on the mortgage, there is no money to fall back on. Tremendous strain can be on the homeowner at a time when they are already carrying a cargo of grief. And one thing is for sure, no matter how tragic the loss, foreclosure is inevitable if the mortgage obligation is ignored. The good news is dealing with your delinquent mortgage may be easier then dealing with the emotional wounds of grief. Many lenders are eager to make a workout arrangement whenever possible. This is evident by the number of phone calls and letters you receive from the lender if your loan is delinquent. A resolution to your delinquency will save the bank time, money and a property that may be deteriorating in value and condition every month. The simple fact is this: banks want your money, not your home! For many lenders, foreclosure is the last resort. Here are some suggestions if you or someone you know is dealing with grief and on the way to losing their home. It’s important to act quickly at the first signs of trouble. Contact the bank’s customer service department and ask for the Loss Mitigation or Workout department. Make this call even if you are embarrassed. You are not the first individual asking for help under distressed circumstances! Give your loan number to the representative. Many times that will assure you are transferred to the right individual. If you’re not able to perform this function yourself, find a responsible family member or neighbor; one that is trustworthy, knowledgeable of your affairs and one who is ‘patiently persistent’ as it may take some time to obtain a resolution. Typically, you do not need to spend money on having an attorney or mediation company represent you. Save the money to pay down the debt in the event the lender puts you on a plan. You will need to sign a letter authorizing your representative to speak on your behalf. Once with the person handling your account, you will be asked if your situation is temporary or permanent. Another major question will be assessing your financial condition; “Can you afford the house with the monthly income and expenses you have?” If you can, then the lender will most likely want to keep you in the property. They will ask for pay stubs and bank statements to show your monthly income and expenses. They may also ask for tax returns and other documentation. Here are a few common retention plans; one of which may be offered to you depending on your financial situation. FORBEARANCE AGREEMENT: This is a verbal or written plan that states the lender will temporarily hold off legal action when a mortgage is in arrears. This is an attempt to come up with a suitable arrangement to bring your account current. For example, the bank may give a customer 30-60 days to bring the account current with a pension or insurance payout or cash from a 401K program. REPAYMENT PLAN: This arrangement provides for the reinstatement of your loan by allowing you to make scheduled payments towards the delinquent amount in addition to your regular payment. For example, if your monthly mortgage is $1,200.00 and you are 2 months behind ($2,400.00) and your income supports this plan, the bank may elect to have you pay your regular payment, $1,200.00 and an additional $200 each month. Then after 12 consecutive months, the loan will be contractually current ($200 X 12 = $2,400.00). LOAN MODIFICATION: This solution takes all the arrearages such as late charges, property inspection fees, along with taxes and insurance and foreclosure attorney fees and costs and adds them to the current unpaid principal balance (UPB). For example, if the UPB is $100,000 and the delinquent amount is $10,000, the new loan amount under the modification will be $110,000. Often the lender may extend the amortization period, usually back to the original term. The lender may also adjust the interest rate. Sometimes forgiveness of a portion of the debt is approved. All or some of these measures will calculate a lower monthly payment that may enable you to stay in the property, as it did for Bill and Sharon. Instead of dodging another call from the bank, Bill answered the phone. On the other end was the bank’s Asset Manager in charge of their account. In 35 minutes the 2 gentlemen discussed the situation. The couple’s financials were taken and since they qualified, Bill and Sharon were eventually approved for a modification. Now if the lender determines that you cannot afford the property, do not despair. The news may be initially hard to hear but there are advantages if it’s clear you cannot afford the home. First, your health and pocket book will be better for it. Also, your credit may be less derogatory if you cooperate and work with the bank in this resolution. Finally, there will be less stress as you will now have a helpful solution. If you cannot afford the property, the two (2) options that may be presented are a deed-in-lieu of foreclosure or a short sale of the property. DEED-IN-LIEU-OF-FORECLOSURE (DIL): If the property is free of other liens or encumbrances, the lender may agree to take the property back and release the homeowner from further liability. The benefit to the bank is that they save time and money of foreclosing. This savings can be huge in states where there is a long foreclosure time line, such as New York, New Jersey and Illinois. The benefit to the homeowner is it quickly releases them (usually 30-60 days) from obligations and burdens of a property that they ultimately cannot afford. SHORT SALE: This is where the homeowner is allowed by the bank, to sell the property for an amount less than that which is owed in order to avoid foreclosure. Realizing she couldn’t afford the mortgage, Sonya listed her property for sale with a reputable real estate broker. Working with the lender, the broker secured a buyer who paid market value for the home (usually the lender’s most current appraised value). Sonya was able to contribute to a successful outcome which made her feel better. She also saved a little of her credit and a lot of her sanity so she could deal with the other life changing issues. One final thought, you are the homeowner so ask questions about how each option will affect you. The loss of a loved one is out of your control. But the stress of a foreclosure as it relates to this can be avoided. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out and ask for assistance. Help others to help you! [Tony Falzano has spent over 20 years working in banks, financial institutions and with Wall Street Investors assisting home owners to come to a timely resolution of their delinquent mortgages. He also speaks to groups on this subject and offers the benefit of his experience to guide mortgagors on making the best decision if they are behind in their monthly payments. In addition, Tony is an award winning songwriter whose CD, In Abba's Arms, contains 12 original instrumentals designed to be an "inspirational companion" that brings comfort to the bereaved in need of healing and hope. The CD is also used by many to enhance quiet contemplation. Tony's other articles, We Never Said Goodbye, Journal Your Journey through Grief and Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieve, also appear in this forum, and are reprinted with his permission. Tony can be reached at tonyfalzano@AOL.com]

Patti, dear ~ While doing some work on my Web site this morning, I came across this article, and thought of you immediately: Running through the Pain

Patti, dear ~ I had a feeling that whatever this was would be about as awful as it could be. I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you, and to all the others who are or will be touched by this most horrible of deaths. I am reminded that , in his just published book, noted grief expert J. William Worden has written: Richard McGee, who directed a large suicide prevention center in Florida, believes that “suicide is the most difficult bereavement crisis for any family to face and resolve in an effective manner” (Cain, 1972, p. 11). My own clinical experience with survivors of those who die by suicide confirms these observations . . . there is general agreement that the three main themes found in suicide bereavement are generally not found in other kinds of death losses: Why did they do it? Why didn’t I prevent it? How could he or she do this to me? (Jordan, 2001). [J. William Worden, in Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Fourth Edition, © 2009 p. 180] Surviving a suicide has been discussed before in our forums, Patti, and for now I want to point you to one such thread in hopes that it will offer you some information and support: My Baby Sister is Gone. Not all of it is relevant to your situation, but I think you'll find all the posts in this thread to be helpful just the same. See also the articles and resources listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. As for helping your friend's family, see the articles listed on my Helping Someone Who's Grieving page, such as: Helping Another in Grief Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal (Scroll down the page until you come to this title) Helping Survivors after Suicide Above all, Patti, my prayer for all of you is that one day you will remember that your loved one's entire life was so much more than how he spent the last few moments of it. You are in our thoughts and prayers as you work through whatever lies ahead, and please promise us that you will take care of you as well as you are trying to take care of everyone else.

Dear One, I'm so sorry to learn of the tragic and violent deaths of your relatives ~ and yes, your response is absolutely normal under the circumstances. To discover that such an unthinkable thing can happen ~ to members of your own family, no less ~ shatters your assumptive world and turns upside down your sense of safety in this world. I urge you to do some reading about traumatic loss and the effects it has on survivors, so you'll have a better understanding of your own reactions and some idea of how to manage them. A very good place to start is to check out the links I've listed on the Traumatic Loss page on my Grief Healing Web site. See especially A Murder in the Family.

Shelley, dear ~ We're so happy for you! Give Chelsea a big kiss on her nose from all of us!

Patti, dear ~ we don't know what has happened in your life right now, but we understand that it requires your full attention. Please know that whatever it is you're dealing with, we are here for you, holding you in gentle thought and prayer . . .

Kath, dear ~ Since my oldest son is a well-respected professional in the insurance industry, I took the liberty of sharing your concerns with him to see what he would recommend to you. This is the response I just received from him via e-mail: Mom, My response would be as follows; Kath, I'm so sorry for your loss. As someone who has been in the life insurance selling business for nearly 20 years, I can say that I have spoken to many people over the years in your circumstance. Thankfully, I was able to provide many of them with a lot of support too. My advice would be to make an appointment with an insurance professional whom you trust. Have that person do a life insurance needs analysis that will help you nail down just exactly what/whom you want to provide for. Once that number is established, then you match it up with a premium you can comfortably afford. In my professional experience, buying life insurance from credit card companies or offers that come in the mail from your bank etc. tend to be very expensive and you often do not know what you are buying. It makes much more sense to have a professional evaluate your needs and consolidate them into one plan that will you give you peace of mind and the simplicity of paying one premium instead of many. Chris Tousley, LUTCF Farm Bureau Financial Services Phone (480)483-8787 Fax (480)483-8981 Registered Representative/ Securities & services offered through Equitrust Marketing Services, LLC* 5400 University Avenue West Des Moines, IA 50266 877/860-2904, Member SIPIC *Company of Farm Bureau Financial Services

Chai, dear ~ I don't think I would characterize your response to your supervisor as "lying." Consider the setting and the context. I would expect that a part of you wants your boss to see you as competent and capable of functioning at work, even though you both know that you're also in mourning for your beloved father. That is the double bind that we mourners always find ourselves in ~ we're literally falling apart on the inside, and working like mad to present to the outside world that we're neither crazy nor incompetent, so they won't treat us any differently from any other employee or, heaven forbid, fire us because we cannot do the job. That is very difficult, indeed. So when you told your supervisor that you were okay, perhaps you were simply reassuring him (or her) ~ and yourself ~ that even though you're still very much feeling and dealing with this very significant loss in your life, you're still capable of doing the job that you're supposed to be doing in the library. You may not be up to par and at your best right now (as in "I'm just fine, thank you") but you're fairly certain that you'll get there eventually (as in "I'm okay.") Is that such a bad message to be sending to your boss? As for "not admitting all the pain," I think that's a very healthy way to manage your grief! You can do your grief in pieces, you know – and you don’t have to do the work of it all right now and all at once! Just continue to do the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering – but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you are doing with your studies, set aside some time each day to pay attention to your sorrow at losing your beloved father. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for a half-hour each evening, at the end of your day. Immerse yourself in memories: bring your dad to mind, talk to him in your head, remember him and recall or write down your favorite stories about him. Just for that specific time-frame, admit all your pain and let it flow, knowing that when your time is up, you are done with it for today, until your grieving time comes again tomorrow.

Dear Bdzack, You said, "If any of you have any advice of a good way to spend a day like today...please let me know. There is no gravesite, he was cremated and is on my shelf. So I visit every day. Our agreement is that he would be put in the box with me when I go...so we can snuggle forever. Is that legal? I do not know but I sure hope so." You may find this article helpful: Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day As for having your own cremains co-mingled with those of your husband after you die (or having his cremains placed in your casket), I'm fairly certain that there is no law against doing this ~ in fact, many couples decide to do the very same thing. You might simply make a phone call to the mortuary you used for your husband and ask that very question, just to put your mind at rest. Make sure, however, that your wishes about this have been written down somewhere and have been made known to your other family members.

Wow, Mike ~ what a powerful song. I found it on YouTube, here: Would you be willing to add it to our list on our Grief Songs Web page? If so, go here, http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/blog/?p=41 then scroll down to the bottom of the page, where it says Leave a Message. Be sure to include the song title, the artist, and the YouTube link. (You don't need to put anything in the space that asks for your Web site.)

Hi Em ~ See if this post helps: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=25831

Dear Mary, I, too, am glad you found your way to this warm and caring place, and I want to encourage you to spend some time (if you choose to make the time) to explore some of the excellent resources I've listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site. You say you "don't have help and cannot get it," but there is a wealth of information and support available to you as a care giver, and it's as close as the keyboard on your computer. You just have to look for it. Since you're "sitting on your computer day after day hoping for relief," I sincerely hope that instead of just sitting and hoping, you'll spend some of that time finding and utilizing some of these resources. Like all the rest of us here, Mary, you have grief work to do, but you have no time or energy to do it ~ unless and until you first get some help and support in your role as a care giver. The only one who can demand that for yourself is you ~ but first you must believe that you're entitled to it. To think that you can do all of this all by yourself is terribly unrealistic, and totally unfair to yourself. We are here to tell you that you're worth it, you deserve it, and you have every single one of us right here pulling for you.

Hi Shelley, I don't know where your family is right now with this matter of relinquishing Bogey, and I don't know if you have any say in the matter anyway ~ but I think it's important to know that today there are specialists in animal behavior and/or obedience training, who can offer you some alternatives in dealing with any dog's troublesome behavior. You'll find a number of them listed on my site's Animal Behavior Specialists page. Has your family ever watched Cesar Millan's television program, The Dog Whisperer, on the National Geographic channel? That might be one way to expose them to the idea that, instead of "getting rid of" Bogey, there are other alternatives they may want to consider first.

Good evening, my dear ones. From my heart to yours, thank you for your birthday greetings, and for your very kind words about our site. I am grateful to all of you for being the loyal, compassionate people that you are, for your devotion to one another, and for the essential part you play in making this place as safe and healing as it is. Our site is a reflection of all of you, and it wouldn't be what it is without the loving presence of each and every one of you. I am honored to be a part of you, and I am very proud of us. What we all do here for one another makes my heart sing And let me add my voice to yours in wishing Mike and Shelley a Happy Birthday, too. May we all celebrate together the gift of our being!

Our thoughts and prayers are with you all, Shelley . . .

Chai, dear, your experience with your friends illustrates how difficult it is to get the kind of support you need from those who've never gone through a significant loss themselves. Have you considered asking your counselor to start a support group for you, or to help put you in touch with others your age who may have lost a parent, too? You may be surprised to discover that there are others on your campus who are struggling with the death or terminal illness of a parent, as well ~ you just need a way to find one another. A while ago I mentioned the National Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers Support Network (www.studentsofamf.org). What would you think about writing to its founder, David Fajgenbaum (david@studentsofamf.org), to ask how you might go about finding other bereaved students on your campus so you can get together with some of them? David is a fine young man ~ I have corresponded with him several times ~ so if you decide to write to him, feel free to say that I encouraged you to do so.

Mary Linda, dear, as long as you are a part of us, you are not alone. You are in our thoughts and prayers today, and every day

My dear Kim, I'm so very sorry to learn of this latest challenge in your life. You've had way more than your share! Please know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers. I have alerted my colleagues in the Bereavement Office at Hospice of the Valley to see if there is anything we can do to help you in this situation. I will keep you posted as soon as I learn more.

Done

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the accidental death of your son’s kitten last night, and certainly this tragedy is compounded by the awful circumstances surrounding her death. Unfortunately, when a child's pet dies, there is all too often a tendency to minimize both the loss and the child's grief, especially if the pet was very small, like a Guinea pig or a goldfish ~ and I am gratified to see that you’re not doing that with your sons. No matter what the type of animal, a child's attachment to a pet is genuine and real. As a playmate, confidante and ally, a pet is one of the most steady, accepting, non-demanding, non-judgmental figures in a child's life. It is not simply the type of pet, but the depth of the attachment your sons had to this kitten that determines the measure of the grief they feel at losing her. Certainly youngsters grieve as deeply as adults, but they express their grief differently. Their attention span is shorter than ours, so they tend to move in and out of grief, and the symptoms of grief may come and go, varying in intensity. Since they've had less experience with crisis, they have fewer coping skills as well as a more limited capacity to confront the reality of their loss and to find meaning in it. Having fewer language skills, they tend to express their feelings by acting them out rather than talking about them. You know both your sons better than anyone else does. You would be wise to watch closely and listen carefully to what they are saying and doing. If you are unsure of what's going on with them, what they are thinking and feeling about all this, it's important that you ask. Until you talk about this with one another, your boys may not even know what they are feeling, in which case it's helpful for you to name what they may be feeling (lonely, angry, guilty, sad, confused, hurt). One excellent way to open up the subject is to find and read together one or more of the outstanding books about children and pet loss (for example, Judith Viorst's The Tenth Good Thing about Barney, in which a boy works through his grief by planning a memorial service for his cat and, at his mother's suggestion, thinking of ten good things to say about Barney over his grave). You can model reminiscing and talking openly about how much this kitten meant to the entire family. This gives both your sons permission to feel, show and express their own pain. Even if you and your wife weren't as attached to this kitten as your sons were, you can still put yourselves in their place and understand the significance of their loss. If you were just as attached as they were, letting your sons see you express your own sadness teaches them that it is okay, healthy and normal to feel sorrow at the death of someone we love. Like the mother does in the Barney story, you can explore with your sons all the ways they can memorialize this kitten (such as planting a shrub or tree in her honor, drawing a picture of her, or putting an album or scrapbook together). I understand your wanting to get another kitten for your son in a few months, but be careful about the timing. As a good dad, part of you may be wanting desperately to "undo" the horrible memory of the manner in which she died or to minimize the pain your sons are feeling at losing this kitten. In the normal course of grieving, the time usually comes when we feel ready to attach to another companion animal. Nevertheless, it usually is a mistake for parents to rush to do so in an effort to diminish the grief that is felt in the household. Your boys need time to finish with this kitten, and then only with the understanding that there is no way to replace the loved one who died. Getting a new pet before the grieving process is completed may suggest to children that the one who died was insignificant and disposable, and may deprive your family of finding meaning in the whole event. When you do decide to welcome a new animal into your home, make sure your boys know that it needs and deserves to be loved for itself as a distinct and separate individual, and not as a replacement for the one who died. If one of your boys seems reluctant to care for or relate to the new pet, be patient and help him express and understand what he may be feeling. You say that your younger son is being very hard on himself, and I would expect that he may be feeling very guilty about what happened to his kitten. Keep in mind that his reaction is quite appropriate under the circumstances and is, after all, an indication that he is a good and decent young man who cares very deeply about this little creature who died. What you are already doing sounds fine to me: reassuring him that whatever happened was not intentional on his part, that it was a tragic accident, that accidents do happen, that when we make a mistake like this it's important that we learn from it so we don't repeat it, etc. Allow your son time to experience, express and work through the guilt that he is feeling, know that any good and decent human being would feel the same way he does under the circumstances, and have faith that with your help, reassurance and understanding, he will get through this difficult life experience. Make sure that you let his teachers at school know what has happened, and seek their help in keeping a watchful eye on your son. Keep in mind that how we handle children's feelings and questions and what children observe in the actions of adults around them is what prepares them to face and deal effectively with life's many losses and disappointments in the future. What both your sons need from you is accurate information, a chance to ask questions and express their feelings, and consistent and loving attention from you and your wife. The fact that you posted here seeking our advice tells me that you are a concerned and caring father. I'm sure that you and your wife already are doing just fine with all of this. If you haven't already done so, I encourage you to visit and explore my Grief Healing Web site, at http://www.griefhealing.com. You will find a wealth of information, comfort and support there. See especially this page, on which appears a poem written by an 11 year old girl in memory of her beloved dog Max: A Poem For Max You might also be interested in my booklet, Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. You can read about it at Children And Pet Loss. See also the excellent articles and resources I’ve listed on my site’s Children and Pet Loss page, as well as my Child, Adolescent Grief page. I hope this information proves useful to you, my friend, and as you feel ready to do so, I hope you will let us know how your family is doing. Lest you feel all alone in this tragedy, please read the posts in this thread: I Accidentally Killed My Cat in The Dryer

Deb, I've added a link to your post on our Special Days calendar. We're all thinking of you today . . .

My dear Kay, As I was looking for something in my files earlier today, I came across this piece. I haven't seen it in a very long time, but when I read it again today, it made me think of you: The Awakening A time comes in your life when you finally get it – when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (after the ball) and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are – and that's okay. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers – and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world – and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love – and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms, just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly okay, and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want – and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect, and you won't settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch – and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve – and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More important, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's okay to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes – bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. – Found on the Internet, June 19, 2003; Author Unknown