MartyT

Oh our dear and precious friend from far away ~ we're so very sorry to learn this awful news. Teny, please know that you are not alone in your grief, because we're all here sharing it with you, praying with you, loving you, holding you.

Dear Ones, This message comes to us from our dear friend and colleague, Sandy Goodman, author of Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love: You all know I am not much of a "God" person....I tend to be swimming in a different stream but in the same direction. However, this message from Ocallah touched my soul. It is so fitting for our grief journey and I wanted to share: When you come to the Red-Sea-place in your life, When, in spite of all you can do, There is no way round, there is no way back, There is no other way but THROUGH: Then know God with a soul serene, And the dark and the storm are gone. God stills the wind. God stills the waves. God says to your soul, "GO ON!GO ON! GO ON! GO ON!" ~ The Life and Teaching of the Masters of the Far East, Anon

Dear One, In addition to the suggestions I'm sure you'll receive from our other members (and those books already listed in our Grief Bibliography), you might want to take a look at the resources listed on these pages of our Grief Healing Web site: Death of a Parent Child, Adolescent Grief Articles ~ Columns ~ Books

Dear Emalin, I'm so sorry for your loss, and you have my deepest sympathy. With sons of your own so close in age to your nephew, I cannot imagine how awful this must be for you and the rest of your family. I don’t know your sister-in-law, but since you say she’s “always been kinda stand offish,” I suspect that whatever her reactions are to this tragic, life-altering event, what you're seeing would be an exaggeration of her normal behavior patterns. Barely five months into her grief, she may be just now facing the full force of this reality that her son has died. Unfortunately we can only guess what may be going on with her right now, but educating yourself about what is normal in grief can be very helpful in evaluating the reactions you’re seeing in another person. I think you may find these earlier posts informative and helpful: How To Help Someone Who Doesn't Want Help? How Can I Help? When Someone You Love Loses Someone See also some of the articles and resources listed on this page on my Grief Healing Web site: Traumatic Loss

Walt, dear, we are holding you and your precious Jeannie forever in our hearts as well. Our thoughts are with you on this special day of remembrance . . .

Teny, dear ~ please think of this greeting as a warm hug to wrap yourself in ~ and my best wishes to you for a very Happy Birthday I hope you can hear all of us singing to you from far away: Happy Birthday, Dear Teny! Happy Birthday to You!!! You are always in a special place in our hearts.

Mary Linda, I'm so sorry . Of course our thoughts and prayers are with you and your dear friend, and her family . . .

Oh my dear Kim, I'm so very sorry to learn this tragic news. And dear Kay, I find your response to Kim to be right on point. As all of you have noted, it's only human for all of us to be downright furious to think that someone could simply throw his life away when our loved ones fought so hard to hold onto it. But suicide is ever so much more complicated than that, and as Kay says, right now we need to keep our focus on the ones who've been left behind ~ the ones who are mourning in the wake of this tragic death. I also agree with Kay that if ever there is a time when you don't have to go to a funeral, Kim, it's now. There are many other ways to offer your condolences to the family. See some of the articles and resources listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. See especially this article by Alan Wolfelt: Helping a Suicide Survivor Heal. And read it only with the understanding that you can do only what you feel capable of doing right now, and let it be enough. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Oh Shelley! I so hope this works out well for all of you! Do keep us posted on how it's going, and when you're ready to do so, we'd love to know all about this new fur person in your life

Mel, dear, we will be with you every step of the way.

Andy, dear, I think that's one of the hardest things about losing a beloved animal companion: There is no bereavement leave, no time off from work, no funeral or public ritual of mourning, and no readily available place for you to take your grief. But you have found your way here, and you are among animal lovers who certainly do understand your loss, because we've all been where you are now. I encourage you to do some reading about what is normal in the grief that accompanies the loss of a beloved companion animal; my Grief Healing Web site is a good place to start. See especially my Pet Loss Articles page, where you'll find links to all sorts of helpful and informative resources. People I encounter in pet grief support groups are often shocked to discover how bad they feel when their pets die. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard statements such as, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t feel this bad when my grandmother (acquaintance, friend, relative) died.” It’s important to understand that the love we receive from our beloved pets is different from the love we share with our fellow human beings. With their constant presence, availability and devotion, pets may be our best source of unconditional love, becoming for many of us the ideal child, parent, mate or friend. They listen without judgment or reproach, and never give advice. They accept us exactly as we are, regardless of how we look or feel or behave. They forgive us readily and never hold grudges against us. No matter how much change we must endure in our unpredictable lives, our pets are always there for us. If we allow them to do so, our pets are more than willing to weave themselves into the very fabric of our daily lives. We live and relax in each other’s company. They are there when we awaken in the morning, rely on us to toilet, feed, water, exercise, groom and play with them, greet us joyfully when we come home to them and may even sleep with us in our beds at night. We touch them, stroke them, pet them, hug them, kiss them, tell them our troubles and share our deepest secrets with them. No matter how close you are to other people, I would venture to guess that none of these statements would describe the relationship you have with most of them. Unless they live with you, you probably don’t see them every single day either, and are accustomed to loving them in their absence, whereas your cat Oscar was with you constantly, and you grew accustomed to loving him in his presence. Think of what a drastic change this is when your cat is no longer such an intimate part of your daily life. Is it any wonder that you miss him so much? Everywhere you go in your home, you're probably bumping into reminders that Oscar is no longer there. Most pet parents today – and certainly the animal lovers I meet in my pet loss support groups – regard their pets as members of the family. And how we react to the death of our family members— human or animal— depends to a large extent on the part they’ve played in our daily lives, the significance of our relationships with them, and the strength of our attachments to them. How attached we become to our animals is as individual as we are, but the bonds that we have are valid, worthy of understanding, and serve to explain the intense pain we feel when those bonds are broken. And so, my friend, I want to gently suggest that you stop beating yourself up for feeling so acutely the pain of losing your beloved cat. You are the only one who knows how very much your cat meant to you, and you are the only one who can measure how very much you have lost. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or should not be feeling about any of this. As for successfully balancing your grieving time with your functioning time, that may be somewhat of an unrealistic goal for you right now. You are barely one week into your grief journey, and this is not something you can hurry through. You need time to discover, explore, feel and express whatever reactions you are having to this significant loss. You might begin by intentionally setting aside some "grieving time" for yourself each day, so that while you're at work you can better hold your grief at bay as you look forward to that special time you've set aside for yourself. Then alert your wife and your son that you need their help and cooperation in finding and preserving this quiet space and time for yourself. Tell them it's what you need so you can do your grief work. Assure them that you won't feel this way forever, but right now (based on what you've been learning about pet loss) this is what you need. Find and print out some of the pet loss articles and ask your wife to read them, so she'll have a better understanding of what you're going through. See especially Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? And spend some time reading through many of the other posts in this forum so you'll know you're not alone.

Derek, dear, know that you and Carson are in my thoughts and prayers . . .

Shelley, dear ~ Have you thought of anything special you can do to remember your mom and honor her memory on that particular day? If so, would you be willing to share your plans with us? Maybe some of our other members could share their own ideas here with you . . .

It's just wonderful, Boo. Thank you so much for opening your heart and soul to the rest of us by sharing your very personal and honest grief journey in your blog. I know that as you process your grief in this very open way, you will be helping not just yourself, but countless others as well. It is an extraordinary act of generosity on your part, and we are very grateful to you for that

Oh Kimberley, she really is a pwetty, pwetty princess! Thank you for sharing that adorable picture of your precious Smudge with us, and we're so very sorry for your loss.

Kim, dear ~ know that I am thinking of you and your darling Dan today, too

Fred, dear, I'd like to recommend a hopeful and uplifting book that you might find helpful at this point in your grief journey: The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to a New Love, by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stoltzman. By clicking on the book's title, you can read the description and reviews on Amazon's Web site.

Shelley, dear, I'm so sorry that you've had to relinquish yet another furry friend. I can see that you're trying very hard to look at this from Bogey's perspective, in that your sister's family has decided to do what is best for all concerned. Still, I know it must be very hard for you to let him go. A long time ago, my parents had to give our Boxer dog Sukie away to another family, and at the time I thought my heart would break in two. That happened over a half-century ago, and I still remember the pain of it all. You are in my thoughts tonight, Shelley.

Kim, I don't know if you've read this article, but it certainly fits with your post: You Should Be Over "IT"

Teny, dear, I'm so glad that you're interested in this program, but I think the best person to answer your questions about this course would be Kara Jones herself, the person who is offering these workshops. Please feel free to tell Kara that I encouraged you to contact her directly. Her e-mail address is kara@motherhenna.com

Once again, I want to caution all of us against engaging in any sort of comparison of one person's loss to that of another. What really matters is the attachment we feel to what has been lost, among many other factors. I strongly encourage everyone who's posted here to take the time to read every single post in this earlier thread: Losing a Spouse Is Not The Same As Losing a Parent.

I’m so very sorry for your loss, Amanda, and I want to assure you that it is the situation you find yourself in that is "crazy" -- not you. Feeling as if you are crazy is not the same as being crazy or having a mental illness. What you are feeling and experiencing is a normal and understandable reaction to the horrible, tragic circumstances surrounding your father’s suicide. You say that you’re “ the only person still completely mourning and no one understands” and in your mother’s presence you “pretend that it doesn’t hurt so bad anymore, but it does.” This tells me that whatever grief you think you’re not permitted to experience or express is still lying there in your mind and in your heart, unaddressed. If you cannot deal fully with whatever feelings you have, either at the time this happened or with friends and family members right here and right now, those feelings and reactions don’t “go” anywhere — they just lie dormant, waiting to be dealt with at a later time. You say that still, nearly three years after your father’s death, you cannot stop thinking about this. You still find yourself “unable to function and not thinking straight.” Another way to look at it is that your grief is still struggling to get your attention, and you are wise to pay it the attention it is demanding. I don’t know what if any help you’ve received since this happened, but it's simply unrealistic to think that you can manage this overwhelming and complicated grief situation all by yourself. If you haven’t done so already, I strongly encourage you to educate yourself about the subject of suicide and how you can survive it. Learning to understand and manage your own grief is your greatest power over this traumatic loss. Since it’s never too late to do the work of mourning, I hope you will consider joining a suicide bereavement support network (see Suicide Support Group Network to locate a suicide support group near you) or find a grief counselor or therapist who specializes in traumatic loss and bereavement. (Your local suicide prevention center will have a good referral list; call and ask for a referral to a professional who works with survivors of suicide.) In addition, I hope that you will read what others have written about surviving suicide. See, for example, some of the many links I have listed on the Suicide Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. Such sites will assure you that you are not alone in this tragedy, will offer you some very practical ways to manage your grief, and will help you to recognize that if others can survive this most devastating of losses, then you can do it, too. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to acknowledge that you cannot do this alone. You've already done that by coming here and sharing your story with us, and I hope that you will follow through with some of these additional suggestions. I know that with support and understanding, you will make it through the difficult times of outrage, sadness, guilt and longing still ahead, and I hope and pray that one day you will discover that through this horrible tragedy, your own life can be more meaningful than ever before. For now, please know that we’re all thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. You might find this recent post to be of interest, too: Dad Dying At a Young Age

Bless your very sweet heart, Wendy ~ and thank you for your kind words. I am my mother's daughter

My dear Erik, We're so very sorry for your loss, and I thank you for sharing with us a picture of your darling Jake. What a handsome fellow he is, and how your heart must be breaking as you long for his physical presence here with you now. I'm sure that by sharing your love, your heart and your home with this precious little fur person, you gave Jake a taste of Heaven before he actually retired there. I hope the memory of all the wonderful moments you shared together will one day bring you comfort. Please know that we're all thinking of you . . .

As a hospice bereavement counselor who also specializes in pet loss, I’ve encountered many distraught animal lovers whose beloved dogs or cats have gone missing. These animals may have escaped from their home or yard, run off while traveling with their owners, been taken in by a stranger, or even outright stolen. I have a special place in my heart for such pet parents, because I’ve been there, too - as I describe in this excerpt from my book, The Final Farewell: One Christmas Eve my beloved cockapoo, Muffin, went off hunting for rabbits and was gone for four long days. It was the saddest and most painful holiday I had ever known. I was inconsolable. How does one resolve that kind of grief? Was he dead? Was he hurt and lying in some cold, dark ditch somewhere? Had someone picked him up and stolen him? Would I ever find out what had happened to him? How could I go on with celebrations with family and friends when my heart was breaking? How could I leave the house even for a moment, knowing that he might come back home while I was gone? Shouldn’t we search for him one more time? How could I be so upset over a dog? Read on here.