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This article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Loveby Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. The unimaginable has happened; you are a widow or widower. Mourning your loss has been the focus of your life for the past year or two. Finally, as you begin to surface from your profound grief, with a deep breath and lot or a little trepidation you find yourself falling in love again. Is this new relationship fraught with landmines? You bet! Here are important stepping stones to help keep you afloat along the way, Do’s and Don’ts as it were for widows/widowers beginning a new, loving relationship. Perhaps you joined a bereavement support group, progressed through the stages of loss and are doing pretty well. And then, surprise … you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Not just someone to hear your grief, but someone who makes your heart quicken. What to do? What feels right? You are still grieving, but you’re attracted and you want to date, you’re also lonely and crave company. And yet, you feel guilty, disloyal to your late spouse. •Do take your time starting a new relationship; it’s not unusual to feel like an awkward teenager again. •Don’t rush into romance, start with friendship. How do I let my grown kids know that I want to date? How can I help them to react in a positive way? I don’t want to hurt them while they grieve their mother or father, but I also want to go on with my own life. How do I talk to them about my needs and be respectful of theirs? I know that they grieve on a different timetable. •Do be sensitive to the feelings of your children; encourage them to “speak their truth” while moving on with your life in a positive way. •Don’t flaunt your dating or sexuality in front of your children. I met someone I can see having a future with. She/he has furniture; I have furniture, how do we blend that? What do we do with family pictures? •Do be respectful in valuing the treasures of your partner. •Don’t discard family pictures; find a way to blend what is important to both of you. How do I financially protect my new partner and myself? Do we do a prenuptial agreement? What is fair? I want to leave money for my children and I also want to protect her/him, how do I do that? It’s distasteful to seek the counsel of an attorney but I feel I should do that. I have a townhouse, she has a townhouse; which townhouse do we live in? What do we do with our extra “stuff,” how much do we give away? •Do talk about your personal values, what is fair and what is important to you. •Don’t rush into legal agreements, until you have explored your feelings together. •Do listen to your partner, even if his/her ideas are different than yours. All of these questions are common and very real. You might be asking yourself: Do we like each other enough to resolve these questions. Can we come out of our own chaos and have a mutual life? •Do realize that you have two “containers” in your chest, one for your old life and one for the new. You’re adding, not subtracting. It is a tribute to your late spouse that you want another loving partner. •Don’t compare your new love to your late spouse. •Do accept that your new partner has different interests that will enable you to explore new areas of growth. •Do accept that it can be an interesting and rewarding challenge to meet each other’s friends and children. They knew your new partner as a couple and it may take patience until they learn to see you as a new partner, but one who is not trying to replace your partner’s late spouse in their eyes. A new partner and shared life is indeed a positive challenge. Many widows/widowers take on the growth and welcome new love, wanting to heal and move forward to a renewed life with joy, expectation and eagerness. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. Lintermans and Stolzman are also the co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-48-2. THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” journal. This book is written in everyday language to which anyone can relate and be gently guided through this heartbreaking time. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships...a unique perspective on this subject.

The following article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: LOVE REVISITED:Helpful Do’s & Don’ts for the Widow/Widower Embracing New Love by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind: •Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on. •Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens. •Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions. •Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home. •Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through. Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”. Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children. While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges. •Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying. •Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon. •Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life. •Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests. •Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster. •Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with. •Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such. Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt. Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships…a unique perspective on this subject.

Dear Ones ~ This one brings me to my knees. Sung by Josh Groban, it's the theme song from the movie, Troy. Click on the title to listen / watch on YouTube: Remember Me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended Just remember me I am the one star That keeps shining so brightly It is the last light To fade into the rising sun I’m with you Whenever you tell my story For I am all I’ve done Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember me I am that warm voice In the cold wind that whispers And if you listen You’ll hear me call across the sky As long as I can still reach out And touch you Then I will never die Remember, I’ll never leave you If you will only Remember me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended I live forever Remember me Remember me Remember me © Jr Motion Pictures Music Co. Music from the motion picture Troy Sung by Josh Groban with Tanja Tzarovska

Teny, dear ~ When you have time, I encourage you to read through all the posts in this thread (two pages): Complicated Grief Disorder.

Erica, dear ~ I'm reminded of an earlier thread that you may find helpful: Why Am I Not Learning? See also the attached article, Healing Through Creating Balance: HealingThroughCreatingBalance.Christner.doc

My dear Em, You are not alone in feeling “a huge aversion to any thought of moving on, healing, closure, acceptance, acknowledgement, etc.” Most of us mourners have trouble with words like “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If these particular words bother you, try substituting words like “reconciliation” and “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your own grief journey. As you are discovering, there are no shortcuts through the minefield of grief work. We must experience the heartbreak of grief, lean into it, and embrace it fully before it begins to loosen its grip and the pain begins to ease. If you’ve read any of the earlier posts written by members who’ve been on this grief journey for any length of time, you know that they have worked very, very hard to get to the place where they are now, and just like you, they sometimes felt as if they would drown and not make it to shore. Many of them are further along than you are now, so their perspective has changed over time ~ but I hope their voices of experience will give you hope and faith as you continue on your own grief journey: the kind of hope that says, “If they can make it through this, so can I” and the kind of faith that says “I believe I can survive this loss, and I will find a way to heal.” Trust that, with the understanding, compassion, and support you’ll find here and elsewhere, you will heal, but in a way and in a time frame that are unique to you. Always keep in mind that this is an individual journey. Others are here to listen, to help, to guide, to suggest, to share what worked for us. But we are not you, and comparing yourself with others or judging your journey against anyone else’s will not help you heal. Grief is universal, but the way we handle it is unique to each of us, and there is no right or wrong way to go down this road. You say that this just isn’t something you can live with. Take comfort in knowing that whatever it is that you are feeling now, this, too, will pass. Difficult as they are to endure, the feelings you describe so vividly (impatience with your friends; yearning for your father; wishing you could be together again; feeling as if you can make it one moment, only to be drowning in sorrow and desperation the next) are all normal. You say you feel physically ill, uncomfortable in your own skin, unwilling to go on. Even as you keep telling yourself that your father is away on a long trip and he will come back to you , you cannot stop the pain of missing him, because a part of you knows the brutal truth. Even though you know in your head that your father’s death is real, your heart does not want it to be so. Everything in you is begging for a different ending to this tragic story. That is the internal struggle we all face as we come to terms with the reality of loss. Nessa Rapoport describes it perfectly in this poignant poem that appears on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: Undo it, take it back, make every day the previous one until I am returned to the day before the one that made you gone. Or set me on an airplane traveling west, crossing the date line again and again, losing this day, then that, until the day of loss still lies ahead, and you are here instead of sorrow. — Nessa Rapoport, in A Woman's Book of Grieving Your development as a person is forever changed as a result of your father’s death, Em. Working to assimilate this loss into your life (for the rest of your life) is what we refer to as “the hard work of grief,” as you continue to find your way through the mourning process. Your goal ~ the goal of everyone here ~ is to find an appropriate place in your own inner, emotional world for your loved one who has died, so that you can take the legacies he has left with you into your own future. When you lose someone you love, you will never be the same as you were before. But within every sorrowful situation, growth is possible. This has been true since the dawn of human history. Over time you learn that although a part of you has died, another part is being reborn, making you stronger and more capable. If you can find growth from this loss, your life will be richer for having known your father, for having experienced his death, and for finding your way through this most difficult of life’s hard lessons. Even as you continue to mourn the loss of your father’s physical presence, Em, remember that his essence has not disappeared, and you can still find ways to maintain your loving connection with him. As others have suggested, you can hold onto possessions he treasured, share stories about him, feel his presence, talk with him, and carry out rituals that you and your mother associate with him. And do whatever you can to preserve your memories of him. In his lovely book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, Louis LaGrand offers the following suggestions for imprinting and maintaining powerful memories: Good memories can be powerful sources of comfort and joy. They can also be very real points of connection to deceased loved ones, because the significance, insight, and identity of the deceased grow through remembrance. In that way, remembrance practices can become an integral part of family life from generation to generation. Take an inventory of your inner self and recall the happy memories of love and belonging from your past, especially those involving your deceased loved one, and think of the wisdom and encouragement you gained. When you are ready, revisit special places, reread old letters, look over collected mementos, pictures, or scrapbooks, read something your loved one used to read, play some of your old favorite songs, think of a movie you watched together, or seek out friends and relatives who are willing to talk about memories of your loved one. Write down your most pleasing recollections, and then decide on a word or phrase that will bring those specific events into your consciousness whenever you need them. Start the habit of invoking those specific memories when you’re feeling low. Remember, reminiscing is healthy – not a way of living in the past, but rather a way of appreciating all you have experienced and accomplished. How do you take short-term memories and make them a permanent part of your long-term memory? The answer is repetition (which actually causes structural changes in the brain). We have a tendency to remember what we keep thinking about. Rely on memory aids: a picture, a glass, a golf ball, a special book. Almost anything can be a cue for remembering a person, a trip you enjoyed, a special gift you received, something that was left to you, or something you learned that will be forever cherished (p. 168-169). I also encourage you to read the following article: How Grief Relates to Work of the Soul

I want to gently remind all of us that whatever we feel in grief is not always rational, logical, or fair. We cannot always control what we feel; we only have control over what we do with what we feel. We have stated repeatedly on this site that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad ~ they just are. Let us remember that this is one of the few places where we all are free to share whatever it is that we feel, no matter how ugly or unseemly those feelings may be, without being judged or criticized.

Marsha, dear, I just want to assure that you are just as deserving of our support as anyone else in this wonderful family of ours, and you've got it

Melanie, this matter of anxiety has been discussed many times on our site. If you use the "Search" feature at the top right side of the page, and type in the words "panic attack," you'll find three pages of posts on this topic alone ~ which tells you that, as Marsha, Karen and Wendy have already said, you are not alone in feeling this way, and what you are feeling is not at all uncommon in grief. Here are some of the posts on this topic that I hope you will find most helpful. Be sure to read through all the posts in each thread: Panic Attacks? Panic Attacks New Problem: Is This Normal? Anxiety Attacks Anxiety!

Ann and John, we are enriched by your presence in our GH family, and we're honored that you've chosen us

My dear Kay and Wendy (and others who may be reading this) ~ I hope that the addition of this forum to our site speaks for itself, but I want to assure you that, regardless of what others may say to you, you are not overreacting to the pain you are experiencing in the wake of divorce or separation from the ones you have loved. I want to recommend to you the latest book from Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, the noted author, educator and grief counselor who has written so extensively about grief, loss and transition. As in all of his other writings, he speaks from the wisdom of his own education, training and experience ~ and in this particular book, as one who has experienced and worked through his own divorce. Please go to Amazon's description and review of Transcending Divorce: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. You'll also find an extensive list of helpful articles, books and other resources on the Death of a Relationship page of my Grief Healing Web site. I also encourage you to consider Belleruth Naparstek's peaceful and soothing guided imagery CD that relaxes and soothes the hurting heart, entitled Anger and Forgiveness. If you click on the title, you'll be taken to a page where you can listen to an audio sample of this wonderful CD. (Click on the Average Customer Review link, and note the comment there.) I have this CD myself, and it is one of my very favorites.

Dear Ones, Several of you have mentioned The Serenity Prayer in this thread. Most of us recognize it as the shortened, non-denominational version adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous in the 1950s: God grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. For those who are interested, here is the full text of that prayer, as originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971): God, give us grace to accept with serenitythe things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. Read more here: The Serenity Prayer

Dear Em, You asked, “Does anyone else do this?” Whether others “do this” or not, I want to say a few words to you and your mother that may help you to understand why you are doing this. It seems to me that buying Christmas presents for your father and “expecting a miracle to happen” are ways that you and your mother are handling the completely unacceptable fact that your father has died. When we are faced with a stressor we cannot change, such as the death of a loved one, denial or avoidance can be a highly adaptive strategy. It isn’t that you really don’t know that your father has died – after all, you wouldn’t be here, posting messages on a grief site, if you didn’t know that this death has happened. Rather, what’s happening now is that this is so big that you simply cannot let yourself believe it, because your mind cannot fully process it yet. In grief, denial is an important protective mechanism that helps us to manage our feelings and to give us moments away from our pain. It helps us to cope and to hold onto the belief that we will survive. It enables us to pace ourselves, letting in only as much as we can handle, just a little bit at a time. Letting this in all at once would overwhelm us emotionally. Denial serves a useful function, especially in the beginning. It is your mind’s way of protecting you from more pain. Your brain doesn’t “get it” because it is loaded with memories of your father. Although your father has died, he continues to exist in your memory and in the memory of others. Denial is a problem only if it is used deliberately over a long period of time to avoid the reality of death or to escape the emotions resulting from a loss. These feelings can manifest as insomnia, fatigue or chronic depression. What usually happens is that, as denial continues to fade, the reality of this loss begins slowly to sink in, and all the feelings you’ve been denying eventually will start bubbling to the surface. Gradually you begin to search for understanding, which is indicated in your questioning how this death happened and why. As you and your mother connect with the reality of your dad’s death in the weeks and months ahead – however gradually – I encourage you both to take time to consider the following: Are you pretending that things are all right when they are not? Try to be more honest with yourselves and others.Do you keep busy with tasks unrelated to the death of your father? Distractions may keep you occupied but don’t help you move toward resolution.Are you facing up to the truth of your pain? What would happen if you opened up the protective shell you’ve built around yourself?Have you taken a hard look at what is gone and what remains? Try taking stock, counting, reciting and recounting what's been lost.Can you face the fact of this death squarely, by naming it, spelling it out and talking it out? Try replacing delicate phrases such as left and gone away with more truthful terms like died and dead.Try some confrontations and experiences to jolt yourself out of your denial. Confront the reminders rather than avoiding them — both pleasurable and painful: people, places and situations. Reread old letters. Smell a favorite cologne. Look at photographs. Go to church. Listen to songs. Gather meaningful sayings and phrases. Visit special places. Wrap yourself in your father’s clothing.Let others (especially children) see your tears and participate in your sorrow. It shows them how much you care and assures them that it's all right to feel sadness when you lose someone you love.Your goal in dealing with denial is to acknowledge the truth of this death and to accept the reality that your father is dead. Denial must be dissolved eventually, but there is no specific time frame. Be concerned only if it interferes with your ability to function normally, in which case, as others have already said, you may find it very helpful to meet with someone in person for individual grief counseling.

Chai, dear ~ What you are experiencing is entirely normal. The following is taken from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Emotional Reactions to Loss: Shock When you sustain a sudden and severe injury, nature’s initial reaction is to send your body into a state of shock. When you’re hit hard with an emotional injury as severe as the death of a loved one, it is just as natural for you to shut down emotionally and turn off inside. It’s as if the magnitude of the loss, the fact that your loved one is gone forever, is too much to take in. As you begin to absorb what’s happened, your brain goes on automatic pilot. Somehow you do what needs to be done, but it feels as if you’re just going through the motions, like some sort of robot or automaton. There’s a sense of unreality, as if you’re watching yourself in a movie or a having a bad dream. You may feel frozen, numb, stunned and disconnected, unable to feel anything. You may be short of breath, confused and feel unable to cry or to speak. Suggestions for Coping with Shock Realize that shock is nature’s way of cushioning you against the full impact of loss. It’s a temporary protective mechanism that allows your mind to catch up with the brutal reality of death. Like an emotional anesthetic, it numbs the pain and enables you to move through the funeral and some of the other tasks you must complete in the initial days of mourning. Understand that as the numbness subsides, you will begin to experience more fully some of the other grief reactions as they emerge. This can happen days, weeks and even months after the death. Expect the numbness to wear off gradually, as you mobilize your inner resources and gain the strength you need to accept and absorb the reality of the death. How long this takes will vary, depending on your individual characteristics and your situation. You may find yourself dreaming about the person who died, forgetting your loved one is gone, or thinking you’ve seen, smelled, heard or touched the person. This is your unconscious mind trying to undo what happened, to re-write this unacceptable story. Realize that others may misinterpret what’s going on with you, and may conclude that you’re stronger or feeling better than you really are on the inside. Don’t feel you have to maintain a brave exterior. Holding onto your emotions takes more energy than releasing them. Acknowledge your own need for safety and try to find it. For example, ask a friend to stay with you if that is what you need. Allow others to nurture you — lean on them, physically and emotionally, and ask for the specific help you need. If you don’t feel up to sorting through and distributing your loved one’s clothing and other belongings, it’s all right to wait until you’re ready. Be patient with yourself— experience whatever comes without criticizing yourself. Take an active part in planning and participating in your loved one’s funeral, memorial service or other ritual of remembrance. Make no major decisions about your future life. If questions about your loved one’s illness or death arise after the shock wears off, go ahead and ask them — even if they occur to you months or years afterward. The more you review the details of the death, the more real it will become for you. Ask friends to let you do this, as often as you have to, and if they need a break to tell you so. If your need is more than they can handle or endure, seek help from Hospice of the Valley’s Bereavement Office [or from your local hospice organization].

John, dear, I would venture to say that anyone who is familiar with this site already knows that here, we honor the strength of attachment to our cherished animal companions just as much as we honor the bond we have with our beloved human loved ones, and we understand the grief that comes with the loss of them. I read all these responses to your post as understanding completely what you were saying, and being in agreement with you. What matters is not the species of the one that we've loved and lost ~ what matters is the love itself.

Dear Holly, I am terribly saddened and sorry to learn of your awful experiences with the hospice care you and your mother received, and I can only imagine how devastated, let down and angry you must feel about it. Sadly I must tell you that upon occasion I hear from people whose experiences with hospice are less than satisfactory, but fortunately such reports are rare. We are all human, hospices are run by human beings, we all make mistakes, and balls do get dropped sometimes. I recognize, however, that for you it makes no difference -- obviously your experience was one of the worst, you and your mother certainly deserved better than that, and as Leeann said, you have every right to be angry about it. I don't know whether you've contacted the hospice that served your mother to ask for a meeting with the team to review your case. I recognize that at the time, you were upset about all of this and probably not feeling at your best, perhaps even fearful that if this meeting were held right then you may have lost control of your anger -- but I must tell you that at some point I think it is essential for you to have such a meeting, so you can be heard, get your questions answered and have your concerns addressed. I know that when something is not right about the care a patient receives, both the administrative staff and the clinical staff here at Hospice of the Valley stand ready and willing to meet with the family to discuss and resolve whatever issues may exist. That's the only way we can fix things that may go wrong: first we need to be made aware of the problem, then we need to investigate what went wrong and do what we can to fix it, so that at the very least it won't happen again to another family. Keep in mind that the timing of such a meeting is completely up to you -- you don't have to request it unless and until you feel ready to take on this important task. Once you feel certain of what you have to say, then you can write or call your hospice and ask for such a meeting. Consider taking a trusted friend or family member with you -- one who's willing to "state your case" if you become too flustered to say what you came there to say. Please don't make the mistake of just letting it go. This is something that isn't likely to go away -- and it could have the effect of keeping you "stuck" in your own grieving process, unable to move ahead in your grief journey. Instead you might think of having this meeting as something you can do for your mother as well as for yourself -- and for other families who will use this hospice's services in the future as well. You need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that, although this death did not go as you wanted or expected it to and there's nothing you can do now to change the outcome, at least you spoke your mind about it to the people who let you down, and you did all you could to make sure it will not happen to someone else's loved one. To help you better understand how hospice care is supposed to be, I can refer you to a number of resources on the Internet that deal with standards for hospice care, and I can assure you that the Joint Commission on Accreditation of Healthcare Organizations has a set of standards for hospices in this country. Here are some other resources I'd suggest you visit as you conduct your research: Hospice Net - Death, Dying, Caregiving, Grief Hospice Homepage Resources Terminal Illness Hospice Foundation of America Last Acts Coalition I also want to share with you a piece that appears on a colleague's Web site, Growth through Loss and Love, by John Chuchman, at http://www.torchlake.com/poetman/main.html, because I think it states so well what hospice should be about: People ask me, "What is Hospice?" I almost cannot answer, certainly not glibly or very succinctly. Hospice honors dying, not so much death, as dying. It is where the dying come to rest, to be cared for, to be honored. It is where the dying come to find peace, to prepare for the new beginning. It is where the dying come to die in community, the community of friends, family, ancestors, descendants, and the community of nature and of spirit. Hospice is where the dying come to leave their great gifts for others and to be thanked for all their gifts of wisdom. Hospice is where the dying come to tell stories, share memories and gain perspective. It is where the dying come to receive and grant forgiveness and sum up a lifetime with friends, family, community. Hospice is where the dying come to connect with the Life Source and to contact ancestors and spirit guides to help with the transition. Hospice is a place of active dying, not leaving it in the hands of others or drugs or machines. Hospice can be Oneness, Joy, Ecstasy. Hospice can be Peace and Letting Go. Life began in a Garden called Eden-- Let mine end in that garden called Hospice. Love, John Chuchman Again I want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you and your dear mother, and I can only hope that what we've said is helpful to you in some small way.

Karen, dear, we already know your kind and caring heart, but how nice to see the lovely face that goes with it! Thank you for including a larger picture, so we can see your beautiful, shining eyes and your wonderful smile

Such personalized rituals truly are powerful tools for healing, aren't they? Just beautiful, Sherry ~ thank you so much for sharing that with us . . .

Pat, I just want you to know that I read your post, and it's certainly understandable that you're feeling sorry for yourself tonight. I want to wish you a Happy Birthday anyway, and when you go to bed tonight, I wish you pleasant dreams of Walter, and roses on your pillow

Bless you, Corinne, and know that we wish the same for you

Shubom, dear, no one knows better than you do what you are able and willing to do in this situation, but I want to gently suggest that you are much stronger than you think, and it is highly unlikely that visiting your grandmother will cause you to "go mental case," as you described it. It sounds as if your grandmother's time on this earth is limited, which means that your opportunities to be with her in person are limited, too. The most precious gift you can give to her is your presence, and it is a gift that will be returned to you a hundredfold, because you will be doing it for her as well as for yourself. Are you afraid that you will fall apart or cry in her presence? What would happen if you did? Do you think your being there and crying would upset your grandmother? Or would she read it as a measure of your love for her, that you love her enough to be with her in person at this most important time in her life, despite your own sorrow? Talk to us more about this, Shubom ~ tell us what you're afraid of, and let us see if we can help you with this . . .

Dear One, As you travel this journey of grief, you will discover many of the things that "they" say just don't ring true to you anymore ~ and until someone has walked a mile in your shoes, no one can tell you how you "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling about any of this. As for how you feel when you see married couples together, I can assure you that this is normal. While my son and his wife battled infertility for over a decade, it seemed to me that every young couple I knew was either pregnant or having a baby. Where was the fairness in that?! The fact is that, when we are in mourning, we are super sensitized to what we have lost and to what others still have ~ and we may also resent the fact that others don't even see or appreciate that they have what we have lost! When we are in the depths of grief, we see the world through a mourner's lenses. Our feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad, and they may not seem very rational to other people ~ but we cannot always control what we feel. (Certainly we can control what we do with what we feel, in the sense that we usually can control how we behave on the outside, in spite of what we may be feeling on the inside.) Often the best thing we can do with our feelings is simply to acknowledge them, accept them, experience them, examine them against the light of day, disclose them to others whom we can trust not to pass judgment on us (such as the dear people on this Web site), work our way through them, and then let them go. Feelings that are stuffed, on the other hand, can get us into trouble emotionally and wreak havoc on our bodies (headaches, ulcers, etc.). Often it takes more energy to stuff or ignore or deny our feelings than it does just to acknowledge them as understandable under the circumstances and accept them. When we "own" our feelings without judging ourselves for feeling the way we do, it's amazing how those feelings eventually pass and dissipate.

My dear Lucia, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother when you were so very young, but I want to assure you that the sadness you are feeling still today is both understandable and normal. It may interest you to learn that research indicates that the loss of a parent in early childhood does indeed have an ongoing effect on the life of a person through the teen years and on into adulthood. Grief expert J. William Worden, who served as Co-director of the Child Bereavement Study at Harvard Medical School, states that: It may be that the most important long-term consequence of parental death during childhood is neither depression nor anxiety disorder, as important as these are, because these only affect a small percentage of adults with childhood parental loss. Rather, the most important long-term impact may be their continuing sense of emptiness and an ongoing need to rethink who this parent would have been in their lives had he or she remained alive. This ongoing presence of the lost parent is strong for most people, even though they may have had adequate parenting by the surviving parent or parent surrogate (J. William Worden, in Children and Grief When a Parent Dies, The Guilford Press, New York, 1996, ISBN 1572301481, p. 110). One of the greatest myths about grief is that the day will come when we "get over it". Grief is a normal reaction to a significant loss, and it's something we all get through and learn to carry with us as we go on to live our lives, but we never, ever get over it. And there is no time frame for grief. The bond you have with your mother will continue as long as you hold the memory of her – or at least the memory of who you’d like to think she was – alive in your heart. Even though the two of you never got to know each other very well because she died at such an early age and when you yourself were so young, you still may find yourself grieving the loss of what never was and will never be. Judging by your most recent post, it sounds as if you're a pretty normal (and quite wonderful) young lady (doing well in school, establishing solid friendships, having a boyfriend you love, enjoying good family relationships with your dad and your brother, etc.) I think it’s important to recognize that the fact that you're still feeling sorrow over the loss of your mother now doesn't necessarily mean that you haven't made any progress in your grief journey. As we grow and develop through the years, our grief changes right along with us. This grief will change you as well, influencing who you are in the present and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of this very significant and important person – your mother – must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life repeatedly, as different situations and developmental milestones (graduation day, your wedding day, the birth of your first child, etc.) will require you to accommodate this loss of her again and again. You will re-visit your mom's death continually as you grapple with its meaning – emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually – and as you struggle to find a place for her in your present and future life. As I have said elsewhere, grief produces all kinds of conflicting feelings, most commonly those of anger and guilt – which over time can become quite distorted, unless we share them with someone else (a trusted friend, a relative, a clergy person, fellow mourners in a support group, a grief counselor). Feelings exposed to the light of day can be acknowledged, examined, evaluated, worked through and resolved. Feelings that are stuffed just sit there and fester, making us feel miserable, crazy, sick and alone. You may have heard that "time will heal all wounds" but I'm sure you've learned by now that the passage of time doesn't do anything to heal your grief – time is neutral. It's what you do with the time that matters. Grieving successfully requires the hard work of confronting, expressing and working through the pain of your loss. The good news is that it is never too late to do the work of mourning. That's because unresolved grief doesn't go anywhere - it just lies there waiting for us to deal with it - and when the pain of grief keeps coming up for us despite our efforts to ignore it, we are wise to pay it the attention it demands. So I strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to about all of this, Lucia – someone who knows something about the normal grieving process and the pain of early parental death. Some organizations even offer special groups specifically for teens whose parents have died. You might call your local hospice, mortuary or church to see if there is a such a grief support group offered in your community. (You can search a national hospice data base at http://www.nhpco.org/custom/directory/main.cfm to find a hospice near you.) In addition to the wonderful and compassionate folks you will find right here in our GH family, you can find a chat room, message board or discussion group on the Internet that brings together teens who’ve lost a parent. Check out some of the sites I have listed on the Child, Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site, http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm. It's also helpful to read all you can about grief to learn what is normal and what you can do to manage your own reactions (for examples, see my Articles, Columns and Books page, at http://www.griefhealing.com/articles-columns-books.htm .) Take a look at the on-line email course I wrote for Self Healing Expressions. Find and read some of the wonderful stories written by others whose mothers have died; this will help you see that you are not alone, and will give you the hope that if others managed to get through such a devastating loss, then somehow you will find your own way, too. See, for example, the book reviews of Maxine Harris's book, The Loss That Is Forever: The Lifelong Impact of the Early Death of a Mother or Father. At www.alexandrakennedy.com , Alexandra Kennedy makes the point that relationships don’t have to end when a loved one dies. In her insightful writings, she describes many ways to reconnect with a deceased parent, including with dreams, letter-writing and guided imagery. I sincerely hope this information proves helpful to you, my dear. Grieving is very hard work, but it is manageable and there are many resources "out there" that can help. Please know that we’re all thinking of you, and we hope you will continue to use this warm and caring place to share your story with us. We are here for you, and we’re willing to listen to whatever it is you need to say.

This article comes to us from Nan Zastrow, bereaved mother and, with her husband Gary, founder of Wings, their grief education outreach ministry to the bereaved. (Nan's article also appears in the current issue of Grief Digest Magazine. Paint Your Holiday the Way You Want It to Be by Nan Zastrow, Wausau, Wisconsin www.wingsgrief.org wings1@charter.net Shirley’s husband of forty-two years died suddenly of a heart condition. Brittany’s husband has served in the U.S. Army in Iraq for the past nine months. This was supposed to be their first Christmas together, but he won’t be home. Martha is homebound and lives in an assisted living facility; her family is hundreds of miles away. Stuart’s son died; everyone asks how his wife is doing, but no one asks how he is feeling. Shelley was recently divorced and lives with her mother, again. There is a myth that holiday grief affects only those who have a loved one who died. The truth is holiday grief and anxiety affects many people—all experiencing different life-changing situations that challenge them to find a reason for the season. For each, holiday celebrations will change, and they aren’t going to be what they used to be. Perhaps, you remember the paintings and covers of the Saturday Evening Post during the 50s and 60s? Norman Rockwell’s pictures always told a story. His pictures portrayed American life and values. People rushed to the newsstands to buy the prestigious magazine and find rapture in the scenes he illustrated. His era with Post ended in 1963, but his masterpieces continue to tell the stories of life the way it used to be. [Read the entire article by downloading the attached pdf file.] PaintYourHoliday.pdf

Em, I'd like to recommend two books that you may find helpful. Just click on the titles below, and you'll be taken to Amazon's description and reviews of each: Soul Shift: Finding Where the Dead Go, by Mark Ireland (Mark's dramatic story of a father’s unbearable loss and his journey to find where the dead go offers hope to the bereaved, and provides compelling evidence that death is not the end of our existence.) Grief Dreams: How They Help Us Heal after the Death of a Loved One, by T.J. Wray (See my comments about this book here: Strange Dreams about Death)