MartyT

The Today Show aired a feature story on National Students of AMF on Saturday, April 19 on NBC. You can watch the clip here.

Brenda, dear ~ I join with Leeann and Matt and all the members of our GH family in offering my deepest sympathy for your loss, and I appreciate the wisdom in their comments to you. You may find these articles helpful: Understanding the Grief Process Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family

Annie, dear ~ thank you so much for the update, and I'm so pleased to learn that this visit went well for both of you. This is a good example of what it means to follow your own heart. Clearly this was your decision to make, because you are the one who must live with the consequences. You were wise to seek the opinions and input of others whom you trust, but in the end, you are the one who lives inside your own skin, you know yourself best, and it is for you alone to decide what feels right for you in this situation. I'm happy for you, and I'm proud of you, too

Dear Ones, This message comes to us from Jolene, whom you may remember from some of her previous posts in our Loss of a Parent forum. Although she is visually impaired and unable to post messages herself, she is eager to participate in this particular forum, and has asked my help in doing so. We've decided that her postings will be sent to me via e-mail, and in turn I will "cut and paste" the content of her messages into this forum on her behalf. The "talking cursor" on her computer will enable her to read anything that you post in response to her here. I know that each of you will join me in welcoming her back to our GH family. Hello everyone, I am not sure exactly how to say what I need to say but I shall do my best to express myself here. It may--or may not--make any logical sense at all. Before I begin, please let me tell you all a little bit about myself. My name's Jolene and I'm a native of the state of Hawaii, specifically the island of Oahu (the third largest island in this island state). I am 39 years old, totally blind, unmarried (but absolutely NOT looking for a mate), childless (with the exception of my precious doggie) and twice widowed. I am a devout born-again Christian who works in ministry online full-time and attend Calvary Chapel/Honolulu (with Pastor Bill Stonebraker); I'm also attending Bible college part-time and am getting ready to graduate soon. For almost 12 years now, my precious black Pomeranian/Spitz mix named Haiku (pronounced hah-koo) has been my constant companion, mealtime buddy, walking/jogging partner, Bible study partner and best friend. She had a solid-black coat of thick short fur, a curly furball-tipped tail, small ears, a little nose and light-colored eyes; she had weighed an average of about 20 pounds at death--nearly ten pounds lighter than normal. While my two roommates worked at their jobs long hours each day during these past 12 years AND while I worked in minisrry, Haiku's care became my sole responsibility and privelege. I often walked her on a short leash with my left hand WHILE guiding myself with my red-and-white guide cane with my right hand: a challenge that only a visually-impaired person with a guide dog would probably be able to understand and appreciate. During the past four years, as my little pretty furry girl became weaker and arthritic with advancing age AND as she lost more and more of her teeth, I often placed her on my lap while doing my work online, sunbathed with her on the grassy lawns outside for hours while relishing the sounds of the birds singing in the trees and rustling leaves of the palm trees, sat at the table with her to share a light meal with her (I ultimately had to break the food into little bits so that she could gum it before swallowing it), took her out on long walks throughout the neighborhood while running errands, etc; whenever I left home on public transportation to the doctor's office or whatnot, I always made sure that my girl had fresh, cold water in her water bowl and broken-up bits of soft dog food in her food bowl. While my roommates were the ones who bathed Haiku and took her to BOTH the groomer's and the vet's for her monthly appointments, I was the one who bonded with her in a way that a stay-at-home mommy would with her infant daughter. Haiku was my constant routine, constant responsibility--and constant privelege to bond unconditionally and repeatedly with someone who'd never tell me to, "Shut up" if I talked too much or, "Hurry up, get to the point!" whenever I struggled to express myself. My apologies to you all for making my very first message so long. You see, I had found Haiku dead on my living-room floor at 3:04 PM Hawaii Time/9:04 PM Eastern Time on Monday, April 14, 2008 and I was alone when I found her this way. Of course, since I couldn't see whether she was breathing or not I had automatically assumed that she was either dead OR dying when I found her lying on her left side, stretched straight out like a ruler--and with a little clump of her poopy beside her hind legs. And so when I gently edged my large hands underneath her still-warm body, her body bent forward limply in my arms to almost double its size and then back into its originally straight position once I had her firmly in my embrace. When I slowly backed myself into the kitchen and began heading toards the back door to take her out to potty as I always did, her backbone made a sharp cracking sound as she doubled over limply in my arms. Shaking like a leaf, I straightened her out with my free hand as much as I could--and shuddered as her backbone made another sharp cracking sound. "Oh, my baby girl!" I cried. "Mommy's here, OK? Wanna go potty, huh? Baby girl, you wanna go..." Once we were outside in the backyard--our ol' stomping grounds of 12 years--I slammed the back door as hardly and loudly as I could with all of my strength in order to get some kind of jumping reaction from Haiku--even if it was a little twitch of the ball of fur at the end of her tail. Nothing! "Haiku! Oh, Haiku my baby! I'm so very sorry! I cannot see enough to help you to... Oh, my baby girl! Please make a sound or move or something--anything!--so that I'd know that you are at least half-alive. Please, God, don't let her die in my presence because..." And so anyway, when I realized that Haiku was either dead OR dying I carefully placed her on the ground, lifted her gently up onto all her legs and encouraged her to "Go" in a soothing motherly voice. When Haiku fell limply onto her left side on the ground, rather than accepting the verdict that she was probably already dead I said to her: "OK, OK, I understand that you don't wanna go. It's OK, my baby girl. Mommy understands. Let me take you back in so that you can rest and... OK, honey, OK." I gathered her limp body in my arms and, just before I let myself back into the house (by then I was shaking so hard that I almost dropped her on the floor), I lifted her head from between her front paws, shook it a little in a panicked attempt to enjoy one last response of life from her face or her eyes... and then shouted in a small sobbing voice: "BABY GIRL, OH MY BABY GIRL! PLEASE, WAKE UP! C'MMON, WAKE UP! JUST ONE MORE TIME, HONEY, LOOK AT ME AND..." Just then (and I always experience a strange sense of relief whenever I think of this), Haiku lifted her head up weakly from my hand, straightened her neck up and looked at me, as if to say to me: "Mommy, I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling tired and weak, tired of struggling to go potty and eat, tired of making you--my mommy--work so hard to take care of me while guiding yourself. Mommy, you loved me so much and worked so hard to make sure I was fed, watered, exercised and, even more importantly, constantly loved. I know that all three of my mommies loved me but you, Mommy Jolene, loved me God's way because you were never too busy to give me your love. But I need to go to Heaven now, Mommy, because I'm too tired to do ANYTHING for myself." Haiku's head remained in an upward position as she looked weakly in my face in that steady gaze of undying love. It was then that I knew that even as her body was dying, her love for me wasn't... And so as I re-entered the house and placed her back on the floor, I tucked her head slightly between her front paws and carefully placed her curly tail close to her limp and twisted back legs--lovingly positioning her signature ball of tail-fluff inward. "I'll be right back, Haiku," I forced myself to whisper calmly. "Let me go in and finish up a prayer meeting and then I'll be back out to be with you. OK? Please give me just a few minutes to..." But it was never meant to be... because when I came back out to check on her WHILE my sister was entering the front door after running a few errands, my little pretty furry girl was already dead. I just couldn't... I'm sorry... aloha, Jolene.

Wilma, dear ~ Once again, there is this matter of guilt. Have you read the thread started by Tan Sim last Friday, in this same forum? See Lost My Father 2 Weeks Ago

Teny, dear, I hope it helps to know that you have the support of everyone here. We're all sending you our very best wishes for a speedy recovery.

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father, and sorry, too, to learn of the guilt that you are feeling in the wake of his death. If you spend any time reading some of the posts in this forum, however, I think you will discover that guilt is one of the most common reactions in grief. Just now I typed the word "guilt" into the search engine at the top of our main page, and 22 pages of posts came up, on that topic alone! Here are three of those threads that I hope you will find helpful: Feeling Horrible Tonight I Feel Like I’m Starting to Lose It Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

Hi again, Robert ~ You said, Also Maybe they just keep something up a certin time but My Tribute in Honoring the Dead has been removed,I'm not seeing it,was it removed or is it just a techinal issue? I know I didn't write anything wrong on it thats why I was wanting to find out why its removed,I can write another one I'm not upset I'm just trying to figure out whats been going on, I figured it out, and it's all fixed now! See http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=21855

Hi Robert ~ Nice to "see" you here again I don't think there's anything wrong with the site, although I'll keep looking to see if I have the same trouble you describe . . . As for the Honoring the Dead forum, I'm not sure right now why only one post is showing in there ~ I will look into it and see what I can find out.

This message comes to us from Michele Hernandez, whose husband Phil was killed in a bicycle accident on August 31, 2005. Michele is the founder of widowsbond.com: Hello Everyone, Thank you to all of you for the many kind words that pour into my inbox daily. Your support for the work of widowsbond.com has been phenomenal, and truly I couldn't do this without you! I am writing today to present an idea. In recent months it has come to my attention that the variety of resources available to widows are all over the map, and sometimes difficult to locate. As I considered how many wonderful programs there are out there and the variety of websites offering hope and help to my sister widows...I had a vision of how awesome it would be to bring these resources from all over the country to one place. And so, the idea for the Soaring Spirits National Conference on Widowhood was born. My question to all of you is, would you come? This would be a family friendly event, with classes for your current spouse if you have one, I am considering on-site daycare if the need seems great enough, and San Diego has a variety of wonderful tourist options...it is a great vacation destination. Details are listed below, this is very much a fluid concept at the moment...so all suggestions for classes and presenters will be considered. Just for a minute imagine the power of being among hundreds or thousands of other widows. We are survivors and the classes offered will be about putting our lives back together and celebrating the life of the men we lost, by really living the life we have left. I would greatly appreciate your responses as soon as you have a minute to give them. Thoughts, suggestions, concerns, excitement...all are welcome. Due to the large number of women who are now a part of our database (and I am so grateful for each of you!), I may not be able to answer every e-mail, but know you will definitely be heard. We are so strong together and we have so much to offer each other, let's celebrate our strength and nourish our future! Michele, widowsbond@sbcglobal.net Soaring Spirits National Conference on Widowhood July 17-19, 2009 San Diego, California Friday: Meet Your Match Reception followed by evening entertainment Saturday: All day class offerings, forty sessions to choose from. Breakfast, lunch and dinner provided. Lunch time vendor expo. Semi-formal dinner banquet with evening kareoke...this should be fun! Sunday: The inaugural running of The Widow Dash 5K...proceeds will provide temporary relief grants for widows in financial emergencies Cost: $200 (for those interested sponsorships will be welcomed and offered to those in need) Accommodations: The Marriott Hotel, San Diego price per night $265...dual, tri and quad occupancy available, roommate list available as well in order to share the cost Potential workshop topics: ideas for yearly memorials, global widowhood concerns, scrapbooking your husband's life, widow match, starting a support group, on-line dating, married to a widow?, financial planning, estate planning, real estate seminar, life insurance, volunteerism, widow make-overs, preserving your husband's memory for children who never met him, finding community support in your area, life as a military widow, staying healthy--have you had all your screenings?.....these are just a few of the options, your suggestions are welcome. Added highlights: a tile memorial wall of all our beloved men, daily widow winners (fun prizes in store), awards to widows for significant contributions to sister widows (yes, you can vote for this), and more to come!

Dear Ones, As painful as it is to be where you are now, I can only tell you that it is normal and necessary for you to be there. In his insightful books about coping with significant loss (Transitions; The Way of Transition), author William Bridges notes that every transition requires spending some time in what he calls the neutral zone – a seemingly unproductive "time-out" when we feel totally disconnected from people and things in the past and emotionally unconnected to the present. During this time, he says, "we aren't sure what is happening to us or when it will be over. We don't know whether we are going crazy or becoming enlightened . . . the old reality looks transparent and nothing feels solid anymore." Unfortunately, he says, this neutral zone "is the phase of the transition process that the modern world pays least attention to. Treating ourselves like appliances that can be unplugged and plugged in again at will or cars that stop and start with the twist of a key, we have forgotten the importance of fallow time and winter and rests in music. We have abandoned a whole system of dealing with the neutral zone through ritual, and we have tried to deal with personal change as though it were some kind of readjustment. In so doing, we have lost any way of making sense of the lostness and confusion that we encounter when we have gone through disengagement or disenchantment or disidentification (p. 130)." In her book, Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes that when our old assumptive world has been shattered by significant loss, it takes time to build a new one, and we must allow ourselves the time and space we'll need for Reviewing: We have to find new purpose and meaning where the old has been destroyed. We have to examine and reflect on what we now believe, what we now know. We have to establish new patterns. Make new habits. Think new thoughts. In this interim between the shattering of an assumptive world and the building of a new one, we often experience deep sorrow, sadness, sometimes even depression. Often we feel we have lost our identity. We may feel consumed with anger or guilt. We may wonder if anything is ever going to be worthwhile again. Or we may just feel devastatingly tired (p. 49). What are some helpful strategies for navigating this neutral zone? Bridges recommends the following: •Find a regular time and place to be alone – "a genuine sort of aloneness in which inner signals can make themselves heard." •Begin a log of neutral zone experiences – Pick a day and describe your mood, what happened that day, what you thought about or puzzled over, what decisions you wish you could have made, what dreams you remember having. •Write an autobiography – Reminiscing helps you make sense of the past and suggests possibilities for the future. •Discover what you really want – Use this time to think about and identify what you really want out of your life. •Take a neutral zone retreat – Take some time away to go on your own version of a passage journey. Spend a few days alone, in as simple and quiet a setting as possible, during which you reflect consciously on the transition process in your own life just now. In a similar vein, Elizabeth Harper Neeld suggests that we use what she calls Reviewing Time to pause and examine: "to take a second look. To reconsider, rethink, and reflect on how this tough transition is affecting our lives. To ask, 'What do I need to see? What reassessment can I make? What might I do differently?'" She encourages the use of creative activities such as the expressive arts, writing, prayer, meditation, listening to music; and imagining possibility: exploring, making lists, learning just to be (mindfulness), and practicing active waiting (paying attention). Elizabeth's Web site contains a number of readings and practical suggestions, including "things that help when life gets tough" and "things that have brought Elizabeth joy."

Maylissa, dear ~ As always, I thank you for all the good information you've shared with us, and yes, I have added these links to the resources listed on my GH Web site. I'm so pleased that you found such good reading through the Mississauga Pet Loss site ~ its founder Terry Hickey is a dear soul, and it is because of her dedication and commitment to bereaved animal lovers that for years I have served as the pet loss consultant to the Halton-Peel Pet Loss Support Group. I'm so sorry to learn of the events going on in your town. I don't know what animal welfare organizations are available to you in Canada, but if you have the energy to do so, you might try contacting one such as the Best Friends Animal Society (www.bestfriends.org) here in the States. On the other hand, maybe the Universe is sending you a very strong message that you just don't belong in that particular place anymore . . .

I understand what you mean, Kathy. Grief is extremely powerful and not something you can easily avoid; sometimes it takes an enormous amount of energy just to keep a lid on it, especially in a work setting where you're expected to be fully functional and "in control" The problem is that you cannot always predict or control the timing of these sudden upsurges of grief (also known as grief attacks or grief bursts), especially when the loss is recent -- and yours was barely 5 months ago! Much as you may try to avoid them or ignore them, your various reactions to loss can pop up when you least expect them. They can be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio, an advertisement in a magazine, or a spoken word or phrase that reminds you of the person you have lost. I want to suggest that, as you continue to get up and go to work every day, you also set aside some time to do your grief work. You can take your grief in smaller doses and do it in pieces, you know – you don’t have to do it all at once! By doing grief work, I mean doing the things you already know how to do: writing, journaling, meditating, dreaming, reading, remembering – but with the intention of paying attention to your grief. Just as you do with a particular work assignment, set aside some time to pay attention to your sorrow at the death of your beloved husband. Experiment with it as you go along, and take it in manageable doses, say for one hour each evening, at the end of your day. Just for that specific time-frame, immerse yourself in memories: bring your precious Bill to mind, talk to him in your mind, remember him and recall or write down your favorite stories about him. Play music that you once enjoyed together; watch a sad movie to put yourself in touch with your feelings. These are what Thomas Attig calls “sorrow-friendly practices,” and you already know how to do them. The idea is to construct a container for your grief, to put some boundaries around it so you'll feel a stronger sense of control over your reactions to it while you are attending to it. It's a way to give it a specific beginning, a middle, and an end-point, just for today. That way, when you feel a grief burst coming on while you're in the midst of an important project at work, you can stop, take a deep breath (or two or three), become aware of what you are feeling, then intentionally set those feelings aside until you get home at the end of the day, until you know it's "grieving time" and you can give in completely to whatever you need to feel. Once your time is up, at the end of the hour or two you've set aside specifically for this, then tell yourself that you are finished with it, just for today, and go do something else. I suggest you try this for a week or so, just to see if it helps to give you a better sense of control. If you find that this still does not work for you, then you may want to consider taking some time off from work to pay more attention to your grief work, Kathy. Maybe this is your mind and body telling you that you're pushing yourself too hard, or that you're trying to hard to focus on "work" work rather than on the grief work that you still need to do.

More news from AMF: April 13-20 is National College Student Grief Awareness Week! This week we are putting on National College Student Grief Awareness week. Our goal is to spread the word that National Students of AMF is here to help college students coping with the illness or death of a loved one! There is an “Action of the day” that we would like for you to do and then forward that action on to your friends! Today, we would like for you to watch a 2 minute clip about Students of AMF at: and of course, share with friends! Day Two (April 15): Pick up and share the May issue of Readers Digest (in newsstands everywhere on April 15 OR online-click here) or email the online story to your friends! Day Three (April 16): Tell friends all about National Students of AMF and make sure that they've seen the website (http://www.studentsofamf.org), brick award video, and Reader's Digest article. Day Four (April 17): Write a card to someone who you know is either ill or coping with the illness or death of a loved one letting them know that you are there for them. Day Five (April 18): Call home or a friend you’ve never spoken with about National Students of AMF to tell them about us. Day Six (April 19 between 7-9AM EST): Get together a group of friends and family members to watch the Today Show weekend edition (7-9AM EST on NBC), which is running a story about National Students of AMF and grieving college students! Day Seven (April 20): Do something today to honor a loved one that you have lost. Thank you so much for doing your part to support grieving college students and fight back against terminal illness! The Today show is airing a feature story on National Students of AMF on Saturday, April 19! National Students of AMF to be broadcast on national television! The Today Show will air a feature story on National Students of AMF on Saturday, April 19 on NBC between 7-9AM! Be sure to get together friends and family to watch the show! Please pass this on to your friends, family and colleagues!! Enjoy!! About National Students of AMF The National Students of AMF (Ailing Mothers & Fathers) Support Network is the only nonprofit organization whose mission is to support all college students with an ailing or deceased loved one, empower all college students to fight back against terminal illness, and raise awareness about the needs of grieving college students. We accomplish our mission by helping students to develop chapters of Students of AMF on college campus nationwide, providing information and support through our website, hosting the annual National Conference on College Student Grief, and holding fundraising events- including the annual Boot Camp 2 Beat Cancer. 4 ways that you can get involved with National Students of AMF 1) Request information about starting a chapter of Students of AMF on your campus! Click here for more info! 2) Hold a Boot Camp 2 Beat Cancer event in your hometown! Click here for more info! 3) Donate to National Students of AMF! All of our work is made possible from generous donations! Click Here!

Kathy, dear ~ In his wonderful book, Grieving Mindfully, Buddhist psychologist Sameet Kuman observes that the emotional roller coaster ride that characterizes grief is part of how we human beings naturally incorporate change into our lives. In Kuman’s view of grief, the “shutdown spells” you describe could be considered as signals to you that the person you thought you were, and how you relate to your world, are changing because of your loss. You say you’re not getting any better at predicting or handling these spells, because when they happen out of the blue, “everything I was doing comes to a complete halt and I’m immobilized and can’t do a thing, mentally or physically. Sometimes I’ll recover in a few hours, especially after a good cry.” It seems to me that at such times you might choose to look at your reaction this way: At these moments, your grief is demanding your attention ~ and rather than resisting it, you are wise to pay it the attention it demands, knowing that (from your own past experience with such "shutdown spells"), you will get through this one too, no matter how long it may last, and you will survive it. Whenever one of these “shutdown spells” comes upon you, you can intentionally decide to stop doing and just be with whatever you are experiencing ~ that is, you can turn toward your grief with compassionate attention, reflect upon it, and allow whatever you are feeling to be just as it is, knowing from your own experience that "this, too, will pass." I think that one of the most distressing things about these shutdown spells is the fear that once they start, they may never end. In Grieving Mindfully, Sameet Kuman writes: When you are experiencing pleasure, you are probably aware that the feeling is temporary, and you may wish that the experience would last longer. You may try to sustain the feeling of pleasure, to hold onto it as long as possible. We all want what is pleasurable to always be easily accessible, and we all would prefer to be permanently happy. However, as Togmey Zangpo wrote in the Thirty-Seven Practices of the Bodhisattva, the pleasures of this world are as temporary as morning dew on grass – cool and refreshing, but vanishing quickly. Our feelings of pleasure seem to last only an instant and then disappear. The opposite process occurs when you experience distress, especially when you are depressed. You may tend to assume that you will always feel depressed, and that the causes of your distress are unchanging; you feel powerless. If you have been depressed before, you may find that you tell yourself, “I knew I’d wind up back here.” In short, when you are depressed, you assume permanence. In both pleasure and distress, then, we negotiate different relationships with permanence and impermanence. We often blind ourselves to the present moment by seeking out permanence to our happiness, and by trying to escape the sense of permanence that characterizes our suffering. This unending dance only makes us more vulnerable to the effects of change and can leave us emotionally exhausted. Rather than accept impermanence, we continue the dance, remaining ignorant of life’s fleeting nature, and of its lessons for how we should live our lives. [pp. 37-38] When we are tossed about between pleasure and pain, we must remain mindful of impermanence. This type of mindfulness will help you weather the storm of change throughout your entire life. When you are experiencing something pleasant, you will experience it deeper and with greater presence if you know that this pleasure is fleeting. At the same time, remembering [that this too shall pass] can also help you endure bad feelings. While knowing that pleasure is fleeting can bring you into greater contact with it, knowing that distress is impermanent can give you hope and endurance while you are suffering. Many of us learn that when we exercise, challenging ourselves to tolerate distress if we know there’s an end to it. We tell ourselves, “I’m really tired, but maybe if I can just make it to the end of the block . . .” . . . [There is a] tug-of-war between our desire for stability and permanence and our wish for the impermanence of pain. We feel our most uncomfortable and intense emotions as a result of life’s unpredictability, and so we seek a sense of permanence, which contributes to a sense of predictability in life. Predictability makes us feel stable, and stability, in turn, gives us an illusory sense of control over the ever-changing landscape of our lives. However, life continues to be, as it always has been, unpredictable, and none of us can really control much of it. [pp 38-39] Radical acceptance [called “radical” because it is completely unconditional; nothing is turned away; all is welcome] teaches us that the best way to overcome a perceived threat is not to look for ways to ward it off but to change your relationship to it . . . The simple act of sitting down to meditate, paying attention to your thoughts and feelings (both pleasant and unpleasant), and paying particular attention to your distractions sows the seeds of radical acceptance. When you practice mindfulness, you simply observe what is happening in your mind, bringing your awareness back to your breath. There are many ways that mindfulness teaches you radical acceptance, but they are all grounded in accepting your feelings. When you practice mindfulness meditation or your chosen mindful activity, imagine your mind as a radiant sun, shining unconditionally on the clouds, which are your thoughts and feelings. Focus especially on that which is most uncomfortable: depression, fear, anger, hopelessness. As you count your breaths, remain identified with the light of the sun, allowing each of these uncomfortable emotions to arise. Guess what? Despite having these disturbing thoughts and feelings, as uncomfortable as they may be, you’re still breathing. You’re okay. The foundation of mindfulness – following the breath – facilitates your radical acceptance of whatever you are experiencing. [pp. 60-61] [source: Grieving Mindfully: A Compassionate and Spiritual Guide to Coping with Loss, © 2005 by Sameet M. Kuman, Ph.D., NewHarbingerPublications, Inc., ISBN # 1572244011.]

This announcement comes to us from Terry Hickey, founder of the Halton-Peel Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada: World Pet Memorial Day, Sunday June 8, 2008All over the world, people come together on the second Sunday of June to remember the furry, feathered and scaly, to remember the way our pets made us laugh, the way they helped to dry our tears and the way they worked their ways into our hearts for the rest of our lives. Visit www.worldpetmemorialdaycanada.com to learn more about Canada's first-ever World Pet Memorial Day event! We will be celebrating this day on Sunday, June 8th in Toronto, Ontario. Please keep checking back to the website as more event details will be posted as they become confirmed (including time and exact location). For now, please hold the day in your calendar! Interested in becoming involved? Able to donate to this volunteer-driven initiative? Visit our website to find out how! Let's work together to make this day one that honours our departed furbabies. -Angie Rupra and Laura Miller

This is a good example of the saying, "Different strokes for different folks." While some of us find music very soothing, healing and evocative of pleasant memories, for others it is a trigger that hurts and brings on yet another grief attack. This is why we all need to experiment, to find the tools that work best for us and to use whatever bring us comfort. Oftentimes, in this special place of comfort and caring, we share with one another what has worked for us, in hopes that it will work for others, too. Everyone is free to try it for themselves ~ or not ~ and no apologies are necessary. And Kitty, since your husband was a musician, it is understandable that hearing music is painful for you right now. That does not mean that it will always be so. I don't know how recently your beloved died, but I can assure you that whatever you are feeling now, your feelings will change, and one day you may find that listening to music is not as difficult for you as it is now. You may find this article of interest: Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieve

Dear One, I think whenever you’re using or thinking of using any herbal supplement, you are wise to ask questions about it, and I hope some of our other members will share their views if they have any experience with this product. I also encourage you to discuss this with your own doctor or healthcare provider before you make your decision, since that person knows your recent health history and is in the best position to advise you. Millions of Americans use herbal remedies and other dietary supplements, which are now widely available in retail pharmacies, neighborhood grocery stores and on the Internet. Today, consumers are free to purchase many types of herbs and other supplements, some of which are helpful, some are harmful, and some are completely useless. If a product is easily available, many people assume that it is safe and effective – but that’s not always the case. Before a prescription drug reaches the market, its manufacturer or distributor is required to conduct research to establish its safety and effectiveness. Not so with herbs and dietary supplements, which are regulated more like foods. (Some dietary supplements unlawfully contain products not listed on the label. For the latest FDA warnings on dietary supplements, visit http://www.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/ds-warn.html.) Many people choose herbal supplements over prescription drugs because they are easy to obtain, they don’t cost as much, and they don’t require a visit to a doctor or other healthcare provider – but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are effective or safe. I realize I may be offering you more information that you may want or need, but I’m doing so for the benefit of others who may read this post, also. The following is taken from “Herbal Facts, Herbal Fallacies,” by Margaret A. Fitzgerald, DNP, APRN, BC, American Nurse Today, Volume 2, Issue 12, December 2007, pp. 30-31: St. John’s Wort St. John’s wort has been used for centuries for various ailments. The plant’s therapeutically active parts include the flowers and, to a lesser extent, leaves; these parts are used to prepare teas and tablets containing concentrated extracts. Common Uses St. John’s wort is used for depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, and nerve pain. Proponents claim its clinical effects include activity against the monoamine oxidase enzymes that break down serotonin and other major mood-regulating neurotransmitters. In several short-term clinical trials that studied treatments for mild to moderate depression, St. John’s wort proved superior to placebos. In other trials comparing it to prescription antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), clinical outcomes in patients with mild to moderate depression treated with St. John’s wort were similar to those in patients using SSRIs; however, patients with more severe depression had relatively little improvement. Precautions •Inform patients that while it may be tempting to treat a mood disorder with an over-the-counter product, depression and anxiety typically are chronic and recurring – and may be life-threatening. A skilled healthcare professional should be involved in the patient’s therapeutic plan. •Know that St. John’s wort may alter the activity of CYP450 enzymes extensively involved in drug metabolism, and thus may interact significantly with many drugs. This interaction may make these drugs less effective or increase the dosage requirements. [Examples include acid-suppressing drugs, anticonvulsants, drugs that lower blood pressure, and hormonal contraceptives.] •St. John’s wort may significantly reduce blood levels of antiretrovirals used to treat human immunodeficiency syndrome (HIV) infection, causing reduced antiviral efficacy, development of viral resistance, and treatment failure. Advise HIV patients taking antiretrovirals to consult a healthcare provider before taking this herb. •Using St. John’s wort with cyclosporine, an antirejection drug prescribed after organ transplantation, can cause a 30% to 70% drop in cyclosporine blood levels – resulting in organ rejection. Warn patients receiving cyclosporine not to use this herb . . . •Inform patients who use St. John’s wort concurrently with SSRI antidepressants (such as fluoxetine, paroxetine, or sertraline) that this combination may cause serotonin syndrome – a potentially serious condition marked by muscle rigidity, fever, confusion, increased blood pressure and heart rate, and gastrointestinal upset. However, caution them not to stop taking the SSRI suddenly and to consult their healthcare provider.

You may be interested in exploring Randy Pausch's Web site; it's filled with fascinating details about this amazing man, with links to his lectures and other interesting pages, including a "day-to-day update" on his health status. You'll find it here (and be sure to give it time to load): http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

It goes both ways, dear Walt ~ we thank you for being here for us, too.

Leann, dear ~ I understand completely. When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears . . .

Suzanne, thank you for mentioning this here. This presentation is anything but maudlin or sad ~ Randy Pausch's message is uplifting and filled with hope, and I think it is something we all need to see. His final lecture to his students, "How to Live Your Childhood Dreams," is about his life and the lessons he's learned. ABC News has put the lecture, which The Wall Street Journal called "the lecture of a lifetime," on its Web site, along with Diane Sawyer's Wednesday night interview with the Pausches. You can watch the TV program as well as the full lecture here, but you'll need to set aside about two hours to see it all: abcnews.go.com/GMA/PersonOfWeek/story?id=3633945&page=1

Annie, dear ~ I don't know your therapist, but since she seems to be so strongly against your going to visit your brother, I imagine that she has some basis for the advice that she is giving you. If you disagree so strongly with her advice, I would encourage you to discuss it further with her, so the two of you can better understand each other's position on this important matter, and come to some agreement about what you plan to do. As to how your visit would affect your brother's treatment plan, is there any way you can get a member of his treatment team to weigh in on this? What are their thoughts about your brother having family visitors at this time? It seems to me that, since you're not quite sure what you "should" do in this situation (that is, what would be best both for you and for your brother) it would be wise for you to obtain and consider the (more objective) opinions of all the professionals you are trusting to take care of both of you.

Good for you, Midnight ~ We all know the old saying that when you look good, you feel good, and you are wise to take time out and time off from your grief to pamper and nurture yourself.

Sam, dear ~ You might find some of the resources listed on this page helpful: Child, Adolescent Grief