MartyT

My dear Renee, Like everyone else reading your tragic story, I am deeply saddened to learn of the death of your precious son Robert and the horrifying circumstances of the automobile accident that killed him, just three days before Christmas. That your son paid with his life for his failure to buckle his seatbelt this one time is beyond understanding, and I cannot begin to imagine how devastating this loss must be for you and your daughters. In addition to coming here to our Loss of a Child Forum, I hope you have found someone to talk to face-to-face about this, my dear. The mourning that accompanies the death of a child is particularly intense, complicated and long-lasting, and it is difficult enough without having to do it all alone. Sharing your feelings, reactions and experiences with another (a trusted friend or family member, a bereavement counselor, a clergy person or in a support group) gives you a safe place to express yourself, helps you understand that what you're feeling is normal, and may give you the hope that if others have found a way to survive an unspeakable loss like this, then you will find your own way, too. If you're willing to consider joining an “in person” support group where you'll feel welcome and understood, I can think of no better place than The Compassionate Friends, because it is comprised of other grieving parents. You might begin by contacting your local library, mortuary or hospice organization to find out what bereavement resources are available in your own community. See if there is a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends where you live; you can do so by clicking on TCF's Online Chapter Locator. I don't know if you've had an opportunity to explore my Grief Healing Web site, but if not I hope you will do so -- it offers further information, comfort and support to those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, as well as links to many other wonderful sites, each of which I've reviewed personally. See especially the sites listed on my Death of an Infant, Child, or Grandchild page, many of which were developed by parents whose feelings and experiences may be similar to your own. Many bereaved parents have their own stories to tell, and in recent years, dozens of books have been written by those whose children have died. These outstanding sources of hope and healing are as near as the Bereavement section of your local library or bookstore. Below are some I’ve read myself and personally recommend. Clicking on the titles will take you to a description and reviews of each: And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning After the Death of a Child by Charlotte Mathes A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel (Editors) Dreaming Kevin: The Path to Healing by Carla Blowey The Lively Shadow: Living with the Death of a Child by Donald M. Murray Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love by Sandy Goodman No Words: A True Story of Love, Tragic Loss, and Ultimate Survival by Renee Kimberling A Season of Grief: A Comforting Companion for Difficult Days by Ann Dawson Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD Much of the work of grieving involves remembering – but when remembering produces only traumatic images such as the tragic auto accident that took your son’s life, the value of remembering is lost. Specialists who work with trauma survivors tell us that effective grief work cannot begin until the trauma is dealt with first. If you or your daughters are still experiencing anxiety, sleeplessness, intrusive images and nightmares, I want to encourage you to seek the help of a trauma specialist – a therapist who understands that trauma work must be done before you can begin the grief work that lies before you, as you come to terms with this horrible death of your son. Go to the TRAUMATIC LOSS page on my Grief Healing Web site for a list of suggested resources. You say that your lives have been shattered, your daughters are “afraid of normal occurrences, which now seem like signs from the dead,” that no one in your household is sleeping, and the future looks hopeless and bleak. I hope that you are keeping your primary care physician informed as to what's going on in your family’s life, following his or her advice, and doing all you can to take good care of yourselves physically as well as emotionally. I have no profound answers as to how you live with this, Renee, other than to encourage you not to try to travel this grief journey alone. And as you say, we bereaved mothers do this just as you are doing it now: day-to-day, one day at a time, and if that is too much, one hour or even just one moment at a time. I’ve said it elsewhere, but it bears repeating: I believe that someone in your shoes deserves a medal of honor just for having the courage to get out of bed in the morning. Please know that we're all thinking of you, pulling for you and holding you gently in our hearts. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Kathy, these are just terrific! Thank you! (Do you know where your friend found them, so we could cite the source?)

Good for you, Kathy ~ you sound like a person with a lot of insight, who knows yourself pretty well. Keep listening to and following the good advice you're already giving to yourself! And keep coming here to experience and share in the warmth, compassion and deep understanding that all our members continually demonstrate toward one another. If you find yourself one day being "called to become a helper for others," I can think of no better preparation and "training" than this. I hope you know that you're already helping others, just by being here and actively participating in our forums. Don't hurry yourself. This is a process that takes place over time, and at some point along the way, you will begin to feel the need to channel your pain, as well as the time and energy once devoted to your relationship with your loved one, into something productive and meaningful. As one who truly understands the grief process, you will feel ready to reach out to others who are suffering the pain of loss. When you've traveled far enough on this grief journey, you'll find that you have a great deal to share with other mourners: You will identify with their struggles, empathize with their sorrows and doubts, and offer valuable information and support. If you think you may want to work in this field in a more formal way some day, hold onto that dream. I think you'll find that most of the people who are called to work with the bereaved are themselves "wounded healers" ~ and that includes me, too

My dear Moonflower, We are so very sorry to learn of these tragic losses, and how painful for you that they came so close together ~ not only your beloved father so suddenly in October, but your precious daughter, too, and just before Christmas. How utterly horrible for you and your granddaughter and the rest of your family. I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that you have our deepest sympathy, as we hold you gently in our hearts.

Kathy, dear ~ The fact that you found it difficult to be in an "in person" grief support group at this point in your grief journey is not at all unusual, for the very reasons you describe: Your husband died barely six weeks ago, you've only just begun to confront the harsh realities of this profound loss, and you may not feel ready yet to "be there" for others in their pain. That's why we usually suggest that mourners wait a few months after the death of a loved one before joining an "in person" support group, until they're a bit further "down the road" and feel strong enough to listen to other people's stories of loss. (Even as I say this, however, it's important to bear in mind that everyone is different in this regard; some people are more "group-oriented" than others, and such folks are quite comfortable and do quite well in a group setting right away. Like everything else in grief, no one "rule" applies to everyone.) You say that hearing the stories of the people on this forum doesn't make you feel uncomfortable or even more depressed, but I think that has to do with the fact that here you can come and go as you choose, and if you prefer, you can also remain in the background, as hidden and anonymous and invisible as you want to be. Depending on where you are in your own grief process, you may not feel the need for a support group just yet, but that may change over time. There is no right or wrong time to come to a meeting, but if you decide to do so, you might try coming to several meetings rather than just one, since each one changes depending on the composition of the group and what is discussed in it. Once you've found a support group, make sure it's made up of mourners with whom you can identify, whose facilitator is not only comfortable running support groups, but also knowledgeable about the grief process. Hospice of the Valley provides ongoing grief support groups at various times and locations throughout the Valley. If none of these groups suits you or fits with your schedule, the bereavement staff will help you find alternatives offered by other organizations in the community. Just call the Bereavement Office (602-530-6970) for further information. You say that right now it feels as if individual counseling would be a better fit for you, so it seems to me that you've already answered your own question. You know yourself better than anyone else does, Kathy, and it's important that you do what feels right for you. Even if you're mourning in a normal, healthy way, it is wise to use all the resources available to help you recover your balance and put your life back together again. Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, or get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from friends and family is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a bereavement counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need. Unlike friendship, an individual counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn't need you to depend upon, and will allow you to mourn without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you're feeling, and clarify your reactions. An effective bereavement counselor is knowledgeable about the grief process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your mourning. You said the counselor with whom you've met "doesn't seem to want to meet with me privately." If that is the case, if you don't sense that this counselor has a good understanding of your particular needs, or doesn't seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try another counselor. Again, I encourage you to contact the HOV Bereavement Office for further information.

Linda, dear ~ We're all so very sorry to learn of the tragic accident that took the lives of your precious son Steven and his best friend Eddie. Please know that we are holding you in our collective hearts, and we always will be here for you, whether you want to read, or rest, or just need someone to lean on. We won't let you go through this alone. Wishing you peace and healing,

Dearest Teny and Deborah, and all of us who mourn ~ I think what Kay is saying is this: You may not have any faith or hope right now, but the rest of us are here to hold it for you, until you're ready to hold it again on your own.

Dear Ones, One of my dear colleagues shared this lovely idea with me, and in turn I want to share it with all of you. I hope it will touch your hearts as it touches mine. Please let us know if you're willing to try it, and if so, how it goes for you ~ and certainly feel free to adapt it in any way that feels right for you: This exercise is designed to help you create your own, very special holiday gift from your loved one. Write on separate slips of paper the gifts your loved one has given you, and place them in a special gift box you’ve chosen for this purpose. Gifts could be laughter, companionship, bits of advice, sayings, hugs, or insights you have discovered through your grief. They also may include some special trip or tangible gift which was especially meaningful. You may write as briefly or as detailed as you wish. You may also want to enclose a favorite photograph with these gifts, to represent the gift of your loved one’s being. Wrap the box if you wish, tie it with a bow, and place it under your tree. When it’s time to open gifts, you may choose to open the box from your loved one first, and indulge yourself in the memories. When the holidays are over, put away the box and its contents along with your other holiday decorations. When you take it out again next year, you may want to add more gifts to this special box, as you allow yourself to remember more.

My very dear ones, it is my honor and privilege to walk this grief journey with such wonderful, warm, compassionate, and caring souls as yourselves. I count all of you among my most precious blessings.

I meant to name this topic "Survivors Guilt". I made a mistake and can't seen to be able to edit the title. All fixed, Deborah

Kathy, dear ~ Just so you know, there is a "Do Not Call" list designed to take the burden off family members having to explain that a loved one has died. You can read more about it here: Deceased Have "Do Not Call" List, Too To register a loved one's name with the Deceased Do Not Contact List, call 212-790-1500. You can also register online at Deceased Do Not Contact List. If a caller insists on knowing "when I should call back," you could simply say, "Please put us on your Do Not Call List," and then just hang up.

Wendy, dear ~ I'm so sorry to learn this very sad news about your mother. Some things in life are just beyond our understanding, and at times like this, there just aren't any words to convey our anger, disappointment and sorrow at the unfairness of it all . . . Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers, and please continue to lean on those who love you ~ and that certainly includes all of us.

Karen, dear ~ Whether you're in a funk or not, we'll still be right here with you, just as you've always been here for us. This is one place where you don't have to act any differently from how you really feel, or to "be" anywhere other than where you are.

When There Is No Jingle in the Bells by Doug Manning It was all she could do to open the door and walk into the party. Her husband, Charles, had died a few months before, and now she found herself going to an office Christmas party she could not find a way to avoid. Mary and Charles had built the company together, and now the whole burden was on her shoulders. She did not want her grief to rob the employees of their annual party, which had always been one of the highlights of the year. The employees always brought their families along, so this became a time of bonding together. There were always toys for the children, good food and entertainment. Mary could hardly stand the thought of not attending such an event, but she could not stand the idea of canceling either. The party would be a crushing reminder that Charles was no longer here and would never be here for these events. The joy the party would bring seemed to make light of his death. Laughing and having a good time seemed totally out of place and somehow wrong. She drove to the party, full of dread and anger, but she went. The first person she met as she walked in the door was her pastor. He was a fixture at these events and was invited as usual. He grabbed her hand and said, “Mary, the secret is just to be happy.” She rightly thought that was one of the worst platitudes she had ever heard, but she smiled and said nothing. Then she met the pastor’s wife who said, “Mary I know this is a hard time for you, but doesn’t it give you great comfort to know that Charles will be spending this Christmas with Jesus?” Mary, the dedicated church pianist, heard herself scream, “No! He should be spending it with me!” She still blushes when she tells the story, but there is a hint of pride in her voice even as she blushes. That was exactly what she should have said. The holidays can be a very difficult time for people in grief, and it usually comes as a complete surprise. No one expects these times of family traditions, fun and celebration to become times of deep grieving and depression. No one expects the holidays to become a source of intense pressure and family conflict. Even when these facts are expressed, the family usually has a hard time believing them to be true. They may think you need the holidays more this year than ever. You seem sad, so the logical thing is to find ways to “cheer you up.” What better way than a family gathering to celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah? So the family begins to pressure, and you begin to react. To celebrate a holiday may seem to trivialize your grief right at the time when every part of your being is dedicated to establishing the significance of the life and the loss of your loved one. You want to talk about what your loved one meant to you. You want to inventory and discuss what the loss will mean in your life. You want to hear how much your loved one meant to others. For the holidays to go on just like nothing happened cuts deeply into this need. The first time you laugh, you may feel a surge of guilt well up and think, How dare I laugh when my loved one is gone. Those same feelings are brought on in a constant stream by the growing rush toward the coming holidays. Everything else is supposed to take a back seat. All other emotions are supposed to go away. It is holiday time, and that is all that matters. But that is not all that matters to you. The holidays are meant to create joy and family unity, but now they can create great divisions. The family may want the holidays to go on just like they always have. The traditions each family observes become deeply set and hard to change. The family may feel it is time for you to “get on with your life.” They may not realize that the traditions must change, and they can never be the same again. For example, if the stockings were always hung on the fireplace and a child in the family dies, what is to be done with the stockings this Christmas? Should they all be hung, and everyone just pretends the child is still there? Should all but one be hung, and let the blank space serve as a constant reminder of the loss? If the stockings are a family tradition, the family may almost insist that they be hung. If they are not hung, the family will feel a sense of loss, and Christmas will not be the same. So the dilemma grows. These conflicts are present at all the holidays, not just Christmas. The celebration of Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Yom Kippur, Valentine’s Day and any anniversary of birth or death is likely to create these kinds of family tensions. The hardest part of the holidays is the demand placed on those in grief. Suddenly you are faced with the need for emotions you do not have. All of your emotional strength is vested in getting through each day as it comes; there are no reserves left for feeling joy or thanksgiving. You don’t want to be the Grinch that stole the holiday, but there is no jingle in your bells, and a one-horse open sleigh sounds cold. There are no emotions left for much fun. The holidays demand a focus you cannot give. Grief brings on times when your mind “browns out.” You can’t concentrate on anything for very long. How then can you think through all of the things that go into a holiday season? The key word in grief is permission. When you boil down all of the speeches, books, and seminars on grief, they all come down to the one essential element of finding permission to grieve. There are no magic words to be said. There are no magic people to take away the pain. It all comes down to giving yourself permission to grieve as long as necessary in any way that works, and finding that same permission from family and friends. The holidays are no different. The best advice you can ever find is to give yourself permission. The best advice for your friends is to step back and let it happen. It might be a great help if you asked your family and friends to read this article. If they don’t know of the need for permission, they are not likely to grant it. You need permission to do what you can do. I suggest that you make a list of what you think you can do and what you want to do for each holiday. If you have always cooked the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, you should be free to decide if that is what you want to do this year. If so, fine. If not, then inform the family of what you want to do, and stick by your plans. You need the permission to change traditions. Many families find healing in new traditions built around the memories of a life. My grandson was born on Christmas Eve and died on Christmas Day. In the seven years since his death, we have built a new tradition into our Christmas. Just before the gifts are opened, we light a candle in honor of Isaac Burns. As the years have passed, the other grandchildren have picked up on this tradition and now remind me to get the candle ready, and one of them will ask for the privilege of lighting the candle. Find a new way to remember the life that now lives in the family memories. You need permission to be where you need to be. The son of one of my former employees died by suicide. The first Christmas her immediate family went to Disney World. The extended family put on unbelievable pressure saying, “We need you here this year more than ever,” but she stood her ground. She knew she was not ready for this family experience, and she had enough courage to withstand the pressure to go where she felt safe. It is not possible for every family to go to Disney World, but you should be free to be where you are comfortable. If that is home alone, then be home alone. It must be your call. You need permission to be with the ones who bring peace and comfort. This is tricky, because it may sound to the family as if others bring comfort, and they do not. Grief needs safe people and safe places. There is no explanation for why some people feel safe and others do not. Very often your best friends will not be the ones you want to be with during your grief. Often your family will not be the ones either. The friends and family have not done anything wrong and neither have you. There will just be some people that, for some reason, feel good during the hurt. The holidays are a good time to be with those folks. That is not rude or selfish, that is simply getting through some especially tough days. The day will come when old friends and family will feel as comfortable as an old shoe. Until then, feel free to be with the old shoes you are wearing. When there is no jingle in the bells, don’t try to shake them until the jingle returns. By Doug Manning, in Bereavement Magazine, November/December 2001, Bereavement Publications, Inc. , (888) 60-4HOPE (4673), grief@bereavementmag.com. Reprinted with permission of the publisher. Visit Doug Manning’s Web site, Insight Books, at http://www.insightbooks.com/DougManning.aspx

Excuse me, you two darlings, I don't mean to interrupt your exchange, but I happened to read your posts just now and, well ~ Kathy, you might like this one: Fishing Hat and Bobber

It doesn't sound strange at all, Kathy ~ in fact, it sounds just perfect! Do whatever you can to keep those wonderful memories alive ~ and enjoy your ham dinner tonight! I'm sure both Jackie and Josie will be pleased!

Kathy, dear ~ I hope you will find a way to memorialize your precious Jackie on this special day ~ the one-year anniversary of her death. You may find this article helpful: How Long Should You Wait to Replace A Pet Who Has Died?

Kathy, dear, We're so sorry for your losses, and you have our heartfelt sympathy as well as our compassionate companionship as you travel this difficult journey of grief. Please know that you have found your way to a safe and loving place, filled with caring others who are ready and willing to walk this way with you. We're all here for you, and we won't let you go through this alone.

A GIFT GIVEN AND RECEIVED by Kathy Pippig Harris On a late November night the man stepped outside of his ranch house to get some fresh air. He looked up at the black velvet night salted with bright-white stars. The air was chilly and as he pulled on his jacket he heard Sally's soft shuffling steps. He turned and regarded the elderly Australian Shepherd, his companion and good friend for 13 years. They walked out over the gravel drive and onto the narrow lane that fronted his property. Moonlight frosted the fields and cast shadows of the man and dog as they walked in companionable silence. On the tail of a winter breeze, the sound of sirens, faint and urgent, wailed briefly. Christmas was just around the corner. In years past, he would have been planning what gifts to give whom, and deciding how many guests, family and friends, he and his wife would have over Christmas Eve. But, his wife had passed a decade ago. Friends were few and most had made other plans this year. He sighed. His joy came from the giving of gifts --that was his gift to himself, and he would miss that this Christmas. ___________________ Morning came crisp and clear. He rolled over and gazed out the window. Through the condensation on the glass he watched as a blurry shape moved erratically in the vineyard. Curious, he got up, dressed and headed for the door. As he neared, a scratching sound came from the other side. He slowly opened the door. There, on the porch sat a small dog of mixed breed -- short legs, long body. She stood on her hind legs, furry forelegs pulling at the air. Her ears hung down, hound-like. She was adorable. He bent down and reached out a hand. She dropped to all fours and gently licked his outstretched palm. By the indentation in the fur of her neck he knew that she had recently worn a collar. He gestured for her to come inside. She wagged her tail, panted a smile and turned her attention to the open field. There in the mist was another animal. She wagged her tail as a dog stepped out of the low-blanketing fog. Tentatively, the small young dog approached. The visitor at his feet barked a happy "It's safe!" greeting to her companion. This dog, too, had previously worn a collar. Both dogs' fur seemed covered in sooty dirt and he decided he would give them a bath after giving them food and water. They quickly adapted to their surroundings. Sally welcomed the two dogs and seemed delighted to have them follow her and her human wherever they went. That night they all clambered on the bed, settled into the comforter and slept as one. ___________________ Two days later a group of people came to the house. The man answered the door and couldn't help noticing that on their faces were expressions of weariness, and of hope. They explained that they had been scouring the area and asked if he had seen two small dogs who were new to the area. The man nodded and bade them wait. He returned with the two dogs. One of the men in the group smiled, tears welling in his eyes. "You found them!" The man replied, "No, they found me." The younger man, his cheeks now wet added, "Their names are Roxanne and Libby. They are my friend's dogs." The young man tried to say something else, but emotion overwhelmed him. He gathered the dogs, one in each arm and nodded -- a gesture of gratitude. The older man nodded back. ___________________ That night on the local TV news there was a story about the community losing a popular and respected veterinarian. He was involved in a fiery single car crash, and pronounced dead at the scene. It was later learned that his two dogs were with him at the time of the accident. It was believed that his dogs had died with him, but family friends canvassed the fields anyway. The dogs were found with a homeowner who had taken them in. The family didn't know the name of the man who took the dogs in, but wanted to thank him... The son shared this with the news reporters: "This is invaluable to our whole family because we know they were with my dad. I don't know how they survived, but here they are. They slept with my dad at night. They followed him around everywhere. It's like that's a part of him that's still alive..." ___________________ Later, while Sally nestled into the comforter, the man closed his eyes, recalling the news story. "How had they survived?" he wondered. Drifting off to sleep he did not see the shimmering form appear in his room. "They survived because I was there. I lifted them from the inferno and with a whisper, I directed them to find you." The angel moved closer, "Your act of kindness was your gift to that family, and His gift to you!" Sally thumped her tail and panted a smile and, then she, too, fell asleep. © 2007 by Kathy Pippig Harris In: A Petwarmer, December 4, 2007 paavarr@yahoo.com KathyPippigHarris.com Reprinted with permission of the author ___________________ Kathy's story is based largely on fact and is dedicated to Dr. Robert W. Gfeller, DVM, who died November 25, 2007, in a car accident in Madera County,California.

Dear Ones, Just FYI, the TV program is based on the best-selling book, For One More Day, by Mitch Albom (also the author of Tuesdays with Morrie). For what it's worth, I've read both books, and I didn't like this one nearly as much as Tuesdays. Writing in this week's TV Guide, critic Matt Roush describes the TV adaptation as a "thin, predictable memory play [about]. . . an alcoholic ex-baseball player whose thoughts of suicide are interrupted by a magical visit from the ghost of his mother . . . with whom he gets to spend a day remembering their unhappy history. 'Our Town' this isn't. It's the too-familiar fable of a boy who could never live up to his distant dad's ideals when he should have been listening to his all-sacrificing mom all along . . ." The son is played by Michael Imperioli (who played Christopher in The Sopranos), and Ellen Burstyn plays his mother.

Hi Wendy, Some of our other members may be better at answering this than I, but I will try At the top of the main page, click on My Controls, then, on the left side of the screen, scroll down to Personal Profile. Then click on Edit Avatar Settings, and follow the instructions there. As for the size of your picture, our site requires that, "Your avatar must be no bigger than 90 pixels by 90 pixels in size. Uploaded avatars from your computer must be no larger than 50 KB. The following file types are allowed: gif,jpeg,jpg,swf,png." I hope this answers, Wendy, and if not, I hope another member will step in and help ~ e.g. William? Maylissa, is your hubby available? Anyone else?

Linda, dear, many of us here are mourning the death of both our beloved parents, and we're glad you found your way to us. Please accept our heartfelt sympathy for your losses, and know that you are being held gently in our hearts.

Just as you have been there for all of us, Lori. You and your mom are in our thoughts today.

Dear One, Please see my post in our Loss of an Infant, Child or Grandchild forum: Worldwide Candle Lighting

Most certainly you can do this privately. You are free to adapt any ritual you find and make it your own. See: Suggestions to Help Plan Memorial Services See also the lovely holiday memorial candl-lighting ceremony by Sherry Williams, included in the body of my article: Including Your Absent Loved One in Family Celebrations. (Scroll down a bit and you will see it there, in a white box.)