MartyT

Dear Gamer, It’s so nice to hear from you, and I’m so pleased to know that our site means so much to you. You know, your post gives us the opportunity to acknowledge“friendgrief,” which is Harold Ivan Smith’s word for what he describes as “a significantly disenfranchised grief.” This noted expert on grief observes that the death of a friend is often considered to be a less significant experience than that of a family member. As a result, friends may feel pushed aside and left alone in their grief, as if they don’t have a legitimate right to mourn. Unlike the relationships we have with family members, friendships are voluntary. We don’t get to choose our relatives, but we can decide who we want as friends. As you say, Gamer, this person you’ve lost was like your brother; you did everything together; you shared a common interest and had great fun playing video games together. You sought each other’s company, spent as much time together as you could, were loyal to each other, and trusted each other completely with your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that you miss him so much ~ and for sure you don’t ever want to forget your friend. I wonder if you can think of some way you could memorialize your friend. Take a look at some of the examples listed in Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day, or think of some other ways you could remember him in a special way. How do you think he would want to be remembered? Maybe you can pretend that we’re sitting across from you right now ~ can you tell us a story about your friend?

This announcement comes to us from National Students of AMF: National Students of AMF is putting on the first-ever National College Student Grief Awareness Week April 7-13, 2008. The goal is to share our message – that grieving students are not alone, and that they can find support and understanding in peers through the programs that National Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers and our campus chapters provide– with as many students across the nation as possible. We are looking for volunteers (any age, in any location) to be an “Awareness Week Leader.” “Awareness Week Leaders” will represent Students of AMF in their communities and amongst their peers by sending out a few e-mails, passing out flyers and spreading information about this cause by word of mouth. This role requires little time or effort on your part, as we have developed a Leadership packet containing an agenda and instructions, and of course, we are here to help. Most importantly, your role is not to take this week on yourself but to recruit as many friends as possible to help us spread the word! Please email Stephanie@studentsofamf.org if you are interested in helping to spread awareness about the organization during National College Student Grief Awareness Week.

I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones. Cindi, dear ~ I just have to share with you that this statement of yours brought tears to my eyes and touched my soul. I cannot think of a lovelier way to describe what happens in this very special place, and it warms my heart to know that you think of it this way . . . Thank you so very much for sharing such a beautiful thought with all of us today

Dear Jo ~ Tomorrow is your special day. We wish you sunshine when you wake, and roses on your birthday cake!

Rosemary, if you haven't seen it already, you might want to read this thread: Group Therapy

Oh Kay, I wish you could've taken a picture of yourself to post here for all of us to see, so you could've received some recognition for your efforts. But even without your "makeover," we still think you're a knockout! And hooray for you for your willingness to be putting yourself first for a change ~ that is very healthy behavior for one as selfless and as giving as you are.

Karen, dear ~ Please get yourself into bed, and as you settle in, know how very much you are loved. May you sleep well tonight, and may you find roses on your pillow.

Oh dear Karen, I'm so sorry! Of course you and Dan are in our prayers. Please do keep us posted, and know that we are pulling for both of you.

All right, you two need to stop now. I am running out of Kleenex. And people wonder if animals have the gift of memory??!! Is it any wonder why we love them so much? Thanks to both of you for warming all our hearts today

I think the problem might be with the browser you're using, Maylissa. I couldn't bring up the video with Firefox, but when I tried Explorer instead, I got it right away. Thanks, Elizabeth ~ the video is amazing, isn't it?!

Beautiful, dear Walt ~ and thank you for being a best friend to all of us.

Corinne, dear ~ you've given us all a very special gift this day ~ the gift of remembrance. Thank you so much for sharing your precious memories, and Happy Anniversary to you and your beloved Jimmy

AMF: Grief Support Group Helping College Students Universities and colleges across the country are starting local chapters of the National Students of AMF (Ailing Mothers and Fathers) Support Network, http://www.studentsofamf.org. The organization's mission is "to support all college students with an ailing or deceased loved one, empower all college students to fight back against terminal illness, and raise awareness about the needs of grieving college students . . . by developing chapters of Students of AMF on college campuses nationwide, providing information and support through our website, awarding leadership scholarships, distributing research grants, conducting conferences on college student bereavement, and holding fundraising events . . ." Watch a two-minute film clip featuring the program on You Tube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSEs34DyCUw.

Wendy, dear, you have our deepest sympathy . . .

Shubom, dear ~ I just want to add my voice to the others who are encouraging you and giving you permission to take care of you right now. It's okay to admit (to yourself and to others, if necessary) that you are in grief overload right now, and you alone are the one to decide how big a dose of it you can tolerate, given all the loss you've experienced already. I'm also pleased to learn that you intend to participate in another grief support group next month, which in itself is evidence of good self-care. No one knows yourself better than you do, my dear, and your first responsibility is to take good care of yourself.

Rosanne, you said, "I pray at night to dream about her and I don't, and really do not understand why . . ." You and others may find these threads helpful: Will I See Her Again? Strange Dreams about Death Mystical Experiences In addition, there are those who believe that praying for a dream about your loved one can be quite helpful. In the wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, author Louis LaGrand writes: Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors. You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions: •Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do? •What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.) •Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received? •Most important of all, did the experience bring peace? If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace. [source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., © 2006, pp. 119-121. See also Dr. LaGrand's Web site, Extraordinary Grief Experiences.]

Dear Niece, I think your post serves to remind us of the value of the funeral – not for the deceased, but as a source of comfort to the relatives and friends of the loved one who has died. The visitation and funeral can be an important first step in the mourner’s journey through grief, as it offers the first opportunity to mourn the loss of a special person in the presence of others who also are in mourning. In addition, visiting the funeral home, seeing the body, and attending and participating in the funeral service all help to confirm and reinforce the reality of the death. Since you weren’t able to do any of this, it may serve to explain why you're having some difficulty moving forward in your grief -- but it doesn't mean that you have to stay "stuck" there. As an alternative to the visitation and funeral that you missed, you might consider creating your own personal ritual of remembrance, as a way to honor your uncle and lend expression to your grief. Personal Grief Rituals can be any loving activities that help you remember your uncle, and give you a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help you release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing you to make your memories a positive influence in your life. You might try writing an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy for your uncle. Several such examples appear on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: In Loving Memory of My Mother A Tribute to My Father A Tribute to My Sister A Tribute to My Friend You could buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your uncle, or memorialize him in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online. Find a book on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your uncle’s name].” Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your uncle, and mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue. Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your uncle, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward. Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your uncle. Visit the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site for dozens of other ideas.

Love Never Dies (LND4U) Retreat Information Update, received from Sandy Goodman: The "Can we Do it?" February 14th deadline has come and gone and I am so sorry to have to tell you that our retreat, planned for Sept. 12-14th of this year, is officially canceled. We simply do not have the numbers that we need to make it a go this fall. I am sooooo sorry we have not been able to make it work. LND4U has a very small purse that is very, very empty. In other words, we have no money. Hence the need to have a minimum number of participants at any kind of event we plan. Obviously, our financial situation is something we need to add to our brainstorming list when our board meets next month, as well as how to apply for a federal tax exemption (a daunting task) and how to reach more people with our chat and our forum . . . and . . . well, please feel free to send any thoughts or ideas our way. WE ARE YOUR ORGANIZATION. Again, I am very, very sorry. I am encouraged that we will continue to grow as an online organization, using our chat room and our forum to meet and support one another, FOR NOW. As our numbers grow and our relationships strengthen, we WILL make a retreat/conference a reality. == Expect Miracles, Sandy

By all means, yes, Leeann, please do let us know how this continues to go for you. You're very detailed in how you describe your processing of all of this, and I think your discoveries and insights are quite helpful. I'm very grateful for your honesty and your willingness to share your experiences with the rest of us.

Leeann, dear, see also: Sorting through Papers and Sorting

Mike, you may find this article of interest: Grief Observed: Using Movies to Move through Grief

Hello again, my friend. May I suggest that instead of "requiring time to be depressed" you think of this as time to do the grief work that didn't get done ten years ago, when your brother died? Perhaps (when the timing is right) you could explain to your wife that for whatever reason, lately you've been thinking a lot about Matt's death and you've come to realize that you have a lot of unfinished business connected with it. You might tell her that you've only just begun investigating the notion of delayed grief reactions, you're not quite sure if this is what's going on with you, but you need some time to look into it further, and you'd appreciate her patience and understanding right now. I don't think there is anything wrong with explaining to your spouse that you need some quiet time and space to deal with something that is bothering you. What's important is to let your wife know that it has little or nothing to do with her or your relationship with her, so she can be reassured that things are still okay between the two of you. You know your wife better than I do ~ maybe if she knew what's been bothering you she'd be the very person you need right now to talk with openly about all of this. If she cannot be there for you in that way, or if your needs exceed her capacity to help with this, then I would encourage you to bring your concerns about your brother's death to another trusted other, such as a clergy person, close friend, other relative, or even a grief counselor.

My dear friend, I am so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved rottie Abbey, and I can only imagine how painful this must be for you. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss, and know that I am thinking of you. The circumstances of Abbey's death suggest to me that you may be feeling very guilty and even angry with yourself for whatever part you think you may have played in her death. But at a time like this it's important for you to remember that you did not deliberately set out to bring any harm to your beloved dog. Like all the rest of us, you are human, terrible accidents do happen, and there was nothing intentional about this at all. Guilt and anger are powerful emotions that can be frightening, but keep in mind that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. What really matters is what you do with what you're feeling. When you simply acknowledge feelings of guilt and anger to yourself or to a trusted other without actually doing anything about them, no harm is done, to you or to anyone else. Anger is sheer, raw energy, but you can find healthy ways to discharge that energy and channel it – through physical exercise, writing and talking, for example. Feelings aren't always rational or accurate, either. Feeling guilty about the circumstances surrounding Abbey’s death doesn't mean that you are, in fact, an uncaring, irresponsible dog owner who intentionally set out to bring harm to your dog. As I'm sure you know, one of the most wonderful things about our animal companions (unlike humans!) is that they love us unconditionally, they are forgiving of all our human faults, and they never, ever hold a grudge against us. If anyone knew how much she was loved by you for the time that she was in your life and a member of your family, surely it was your precious Abbey. In the end, there is nothing anyone can say to lift from your shoulders the load of guilt that you may be carrying around with you now. The only one who truly can forgive you is yourself. Guilt is one of the most common reactions in loss – and in situations such as this, it is only human nature for you to feel guilt for what you may have done or failed to do. If after examining all the facts you decide that you should have done things differently, then the only thing you can do at this point is to learn from your mistake and promise yourself that if you are ever presented with the exact same set of circumstances again, you will do things differently next time. A sudden, unexpected death like this can teach some valuable lessons about how fragile and temporary life is, and that if we have something to say to someone we had better say it now, because we may never get the chance again to say it. Can you let this be one of Abbey’s legacies to you – one of the precious life lessons you can take from this tragic loss? You know, just by having the courage to post your tragic story here, in this public forum, you are educating many other animal lovers about the dangers of feeding bones to dogs. Are there any other lessons here that you may need to learn? Take some time to think about about all of this. It is one of the most important tasks in mourning: to find meaning in this loss. In any event, my dear, there is nothing you can do now to go back and change what has already been done. Instead, to cope with the guilt you might try to find some way to communicate with Abbey’s spirit and ask for her forgiveness. That may be by meditating, by writing her a letter and saying all you need to say to her, by finding a quiet place and lighting a candle and speaking to her in your mind – whatever way you choose is up to you. The point of all of this is to find some way to forgive yourself, to apologize and make amends to the one you believe you have harmed, to learn from your mistake and to move on. That's the only way you will heal from this loss. Guilt and anger can eat you alive unless you find someone to talk to about your feelings, someone who will help you look at the situation more objectively. If you find that posting here is not enough, I encourage you to find someone you can talk to in person who understands the bond you felt with Abbey, who understands the mourning process and will listen to you without judging you. I don't know if there are any pet loss services in your area, but since you have access to a computer, you might try calling one of the pet loss telephone helplines listed on the Pet Loss Helplines, Message Boards, Chats page of my Grief Healing Web site. If you feel a need for more than that, you can go to the State-by-State Guide to Support Groups, Counselors & Pet Cemeteries. Sometimes sharing our story enables us to unburden ourselves and to obtain the absolution we may need from others. None of us is perfect; we are all human, we've all made mistakes and we've all done things about which we feel guilty. I know you’ve already obtained another rottie pup, but it’s important that you take the time needed to grieve this loss of Abbey, including the processing of and coming to terms with all that anger and guilt you may be feeling over the circumstances of her accidental death. (See my articles, Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief and Loss and the Burden of Guilt. ) I hope this information helps, my dear. Please know that my heart goes out to you at this sad and difficult time. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT P.S. You (and others reading your tragic story) may find these articles informative: Raw Bones or Cooked Bones – Are Either Safe? Feeding Raw Bones to Dogs BARF (Biologically Appropriate Raw Food) for Adult Dogs Catering to Canines

Dear One, I'm so sorry for your loss of this loved and important person in your life. Although we don't have a forum specifically for bereaved nieces and nephews, we do have a forum reserved especially for teens, Teens Talking to Teens. Please know, however, that you are most welcome to participate in this and any of our other forums, where you will always find yourself among a most caring, compassionate, and supportive group of people ~ and I hope you'll feel comfortable enough to share more of your story with us. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Bless you for alerting us, dear Walt, and how relieved and grateful we all are to learn that you're all right, dear Teny . . .