MartyT

Beautifully stated, Leeann ~ wise words for all of us animal lovers. Thank you so much for that.

Molly, dear ~ If anyone wonders what it would be like to lose a sibling, they need only to read your post. I am so very sorry for your loss, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. Your concern for all the other members of your family is understandable, but please know that right now, the best way for you to help them with their grief is for you to take care of your own grief first. I hope you will continue to read the messages posted in this and other forums on this site. See also the resources listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site. There are other pages there that could be useful to you as well, and I hope you'll take some time to explore them. As for what to do on your sister's birthday this Saturday, you might find this article helpful, as it offers suggestions for dealing with holidays, birthdays and other special days: Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day

Gail, dear ~ As I was doing some other work on my Web site, I just came across the following (which appears on my Comfort for Grieving Hearts page) ~ and I thought of you and your precious, brand-new grandson immediately. I hope it speaks to you (and others reading this), in a special way: I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did. I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did. I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did. I never thought I would be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but ~ I did. I never thought I would let myself love my new grandchild, but ~ I did. I never thought tomorrow would be different, but ~ it was. I never thought I would stop crying for you, but ~ I have. I never thought that I would ever sing again, but ~ I have. I never thought the pain would "soften," but ~ it has. I never thought I would care if the sun shone again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would be able to entertain again, but ~ I have. I never thought I would be able to control my grief, but ~ I can. I never thought I could function without medication again, but ~ I can. I never thought I'd smile again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would laugh out loud again, but ~ I do. I never thought I would look forward to tomorrow, but ~ I do. I never thought I'd reconcile your death, but ~ I have. I never thought I would be able to create that "new normal," but ~ I have. I never thought I'd want to go on living after you died, but ~ I do. Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily, with a smile on my face ~ and tears in my heart. -- Author Unknown

Dear One, Your story is heart-wrenching. Please know that we're all so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby, Spirit. If you have Moira Anderson's book, Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet, you have one of the best, and I don't disagree with anything Leeann has said. I, too, encourage you to find someone you trust and with whom you feel comfortable talking about your experience — preferably someone who understands the attachment you had to Spirit and who knows something about normal grief. This can be a relative, friend, neighbor, co-worker, clergy person, a volunteer on a Pet Loss Helpline or a pet loss counselor (see the Helplines, Message Boards, Chats page on my Grief Healing Web site). Check with your veterinarian, pet grooming specialist, pet cemetery representative, animal shelters, humane organizations or even your local librarian for information on what pet loss services may be available in your own community. I also suggest you do some reading about the normal grieving process, both to prepare you for what to expect in the days and weeks ahead, and to reassure yourself that what you're going through is normal. Have you had an opportunity to thoroughly explore my own Grief Healing web site? If not, I hope that you will do so. Simply go to http://www.griefhealing.com. Plan on spending some time on each of the pages there. It will offer you some measure of comfort, information and support, as well as links to many other useful resources. Once there, click on to my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page. Scroll down until you come to "Articles by Marty Related to Pet Loss." See also Pet Loss Articles. I've also written an on-line e-mail course on pet loss, which offers you yet another way to make sense of what you're feeling. If you're interested, you can get a sense of it here: Pet Loss: A Different Grief. You might also find solace in reading these touching pieces, which you'll find among writings by other authors on my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page: Euthanasia: The Merciful Release and The Fourth Day. I'm so sorry that friends and neighbors aren't there for you in the way you need them to be right now, but I want to assure you that here, you are being heard and you are not alone. Whether we're responding to you individually or simply reading what you've posted, there are many animal lovers here who care about you, and all of us are wrapping you in warm hugs of sympathy and understanding.

Congratulations, Grandma Gail We are sooooo happy for you! And welcome to this world, dear little Brody

Kathy, dear ~ Lest you think that what you are experiencing is somehow abnormal, “crazy” or “wrong,” I’d like to share with you an excerpt from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Mystical Experiences Of all the various ways that grief can express itself, perhaps one of the most unsettling is to experience the presence of a lost loved one— days, weeks or months after the death has occurred. When one so dear to you is gone, it can be very hard to accept that the person is really dead. You may find yourself thinking and dreaming about your loved one much of the time, and it may seem that everything around you is a reminder of the person you have lost. Once in a while you may temporarily forget that your loved one is gone, and you’ll look and listen for him or her—and maybe even think that you’ve seen, heard, smelled or touched the person. Part of you believes your loved one is there, yet the other part of you knows that’s not the case. At some point you may think you’ve received a symbolic communication or message from the person who has died. Some people find this to be very frightening and disorienting, while others find it to be quite helpful and even comforting. In any case, it’s important to know that such experiences are very common and perfectly normal during times of loss. Sometimes as long as a year after the death of a loved one, people will report sensing (hearing, feeling, seeing) the person in the room. They believe the person is there, yet they also know their loved one is dead. They may feel very foolish or embarrassed— they may be very frightened— and they often wonder, "Am I going mad?" No one knows why grief produces such powerful, mystical processes— but we do know that hallucinations, communications, dreams, visions and visitations are a frequent experience of the bereaved. They are by no means abnormal, and they do not forecast a complicated grief reaction. While some people find them distressing, it is generally believed that such mystical grief experiences have great power and personal significance for the griever, and may be an important if not vital part of healing. Suggestions for Coping with Mystical Experiences ∙Make use of your dreams: record them, or share them with someone who will listen but not interpret them for you. Keep in mind that no one is a better expert at interpreting your dreams than you are. ∙Don’t judge yourself or others who have mystical experiences, and don’t think there’s something wrong with you if you’ve never had them. Grief responses differ from one person to another, and it is normal to experience a wide range of emotions during the grieving process. ∙Don’t worry whether such experiences are real or simply a figment of your imagination. If they bring you comfort, does it really matter? And if such an experience is unpleasant or frightening for you, make certain that you talk to someone who will support you. [source: Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Marty Tousley, Hospice of the Valley, Phoenix AZ, pp. 22-23.] Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, noted thanatologist and author of the seminal work On Death and Dying, described such mystical experiences as “hauntings.” In her work, On Grief and Grieving, the last book she wrote before her death in 2004, Dr. Kübler-Ross and co-author David Kessler write: It is important to remember that hauntings after the death of a loved one are normal and common. They often bring important messages from the psyche that arise from our inner world of grief. They may even bring fear with them, but they usually are not dangerous. Among the myriad of feelings connected with grief, hauntings contain valuable clues, threads to be followed to their source. They represent unfinished business in some cases and offer great comfort in others . . . Whether or not hauntings are physical realities is irrelevant to the grief process. Anything that comforts or guides you in your grief work is naturally valuable. To spend time questioning the experience is to miss the point ~ and perhaps the gift. [source: On Grief and Grieving, pp. 57-58] If you haven't seen it already, you might be interested in the message I posted a week ago, in General Grief & Loss Topics, under the heading, After-Death Communication: ]http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2580&view=findpost&p=23590

Dear, sweet Kay ~ I am so very, very sorry . . . In all your efforts to take good care of your friend, please remember to take good care of you, too. You are in my heart.

Robert, dear ~ I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and Jason today, and wishing you peace and continued healing.

Hi Joe, To me, Scott Peck’s statement is all about expectations. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we Americans often have the naive expectation that life should be easy or comfortable or wonderful, bad things won’t happen to good people, and happiness is just around the corner. My own life experiences have taught me just the opposite: life can be quite difficult and unfair, and many times, no matter how “good” I’ve been, or how hard I’ve tried, or how much I may deserve it to be otherwise, things don’t always turn out the way I expect or want them to be, and life for me continues to be, in a word, difficult. (See, for example, the Introduction on my Web site’s Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page). I think Scott Peck is telling us that when we accept the reality that life is difficult, we can stop fighting it, and we're no longer focused on the unfairness of it all. We can choose instead to make the most of the life we do have, and do what we can to prepare for and meet its challenges along the way. In her book Tough Transitions, Elizabeth Harper Neeld explains it this way: One of the creative and victorious outcomes researchers tell us we can expect when we have navigated our way through a tough transition is increased wisdom. One piece of that new wisdom has to be a recognition that we will never be finished with tough transitions. Yes, we will work our way through this particular difficult time and that particular change. But we’ll never get to a place in life where there are no more transitions. We aren’t going to a place in life where there are no more transitions. We aren’t going to get so good at the skill of navigating through hard places that the changes don’t show up for us as a challenge. Even though I’ve studied, thought, and written about tough transitions for almost twenty years, I still have to be reminded from time to time by people who love me that I will get through a particular difficult transition. My husband will sometimes jokingly say to me, “You need to sit down and read your own books.” There’s no life insurance policy one can take out and certainly no author one can catch on to that will bring freedom from the hard work of dealing with transitions. What can we come to understand through our gained wisdom? That there is a process that can conclude with victorious outcomes and a sense of Renewing. That I can make the decisions and the choices that allow us to navigate as smoothly or as roughly through a hard time as is possible at that moment. That a transition is about so much more than what appears. Yes, circumstances and situations around me change, and that launches me into the necessity to navigate myself through a difficult time. But something much more profound is taking place. I am being changed myself. And those changes in me stand to make me more capable, compassionate, and increased in my capacity to put life’s ups and downs in perspective. When I begin another tough transition, I have all these learnings and all these valuable experiences at my disposal. [source: Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, © 2005 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044669455X, pp. 272-273]

Kim, dear ~ Bob has given you one of my own favorite quotations from one of my own very favorite authors. I, too, am so very sorry to know what you and your family are going through, and my heart aches for all of you. You might consider including your sister-in-law in an online prayer circle, such as the one sponsored by Self-Healing Expressions, at Prayer Wall for Those in Need Please know that we all are holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

Kathy, dear, you said, "Hospice is trying to get me set up with a grief class but it is hard because I work 2nd shift.I may have to do it my self where would I look???" In addition to the bereavement services they themselves provide, most hospices are aware of whatever additional support is available in their own communities, including schedules (dates and times, location, etc.) If the particular hospice you've contacted doesn't seem to be responding to or meeting your needs, feel free to contact another one. Other organizations in your community who should know about available bereavement services include hospitals, churches, synagogues, mortuaries and funeral directors, primary care physicians and even your local public library. The Internet is also an excellent source of information, comfort and support for the bereaved, and it is as far away as your fingertips. You might start with my own Grief Healing Web site, which contains several articles on various aspects of loss, recommended book lists, inspirational writings and poetry, and categorized links to dozens of other helpful resources. Another alternative is to take an online e-mail course on grief, such as the one I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions (now available in e-book format as well). If interested, you can get a sense of it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey.

Oh Kim ~ I'm so very sorry to know that you're dealing with all of this. Please know that you are in my heart. There simply are no words . . .

Pain Is Inevitable; Suffering Is Optional by Nan Zastrow “Does time heal all wounds?” If you are a griever, you have no doubt heard this cliché more than once. On April 16, it will be fifteen years since the death of our beloved son, Chad. People who know us have quit asking, “Do you ever get over it?” They know what our response will be: “A parent never forgets the loss of a child. The loss will always be fresh in our minds, but in an instant, we can have a flashback to the exact moment we received the news. It’s a moment frozen in time.” Grief hurts. We felt the essence of pain in all we did. Pain cannot be hidden. We expected pain, and we felt pain. We, like others, chose to suffer when our son died. Suffering seemed to give some value to the pain we felt. Initially, and for many years, we remembered every detail as if it had happened yesterday. All events forward are chronologically marked by this date. Life – going forward – is divided by “before Chad died” or “after Chad died.” For countless years, we referenced our existence by these before and after phases of life. Our world was altered. We found our definition of joy was changed. Holidays, birthdays, dreams and family events were all changed by this death. We added a new date to our memory bank: the date of Chad’s death. It’s easy to become absorbed by one’s grief and stuck in the event that caused us pain. We are human. We want others to know we hurt...and we are determined not to “let go.” We become obsessed with the injustice of life and draw others into our misery. Such negative energy consumes us and weakens us physically, mentally and spiritually. Soon friends and family drift away because our confused attitude wears thin the hope they are struggling to give us. They may believe we are unreachable; and they hope that “time” might heal the wounds that have scarred us. During intense grief, we exist superficially. The world seems unreal. I often think of the movie Sleepless in Seattle when Sam Baldwin (played by Tom Hanks) lost his wife to cancer. His young son, Jonah, convinced him to call a radio talk show for therapy. Reluctantly, Sam finds himself talking to the host describing how he is coping with his wife’s death. He describes his existence as, “I’m breathing in and out.” Sam, like most grievers, was existing in the moment of grief, suspended in time. I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. Time simply goes by us. Time becomes one year, five years, ten years, and now, in our case, fifteen years. Time passes and our lives continue day after day, whether we want them to or not. What time does do is give us the space to process our thoughts and choose to heal. If we honestly look at ourselves in the mirror, we realize that grieving doesn’t just go away, and existing in a nothing-less life is totally exhausting. We see others living life around us; and we secretly want to be like them. We choose to step from the emptiness to something half-way normal again. We re-invest in life. The Signs of Reinvesting in Life What I know to be true is intense grief does change, if we allow ourselves to find our place in the world that still exists. Time softens the harsh feelings of those wounds – like an incision after surgery. With proper care, the incision begins to heal. The scar loses its sensitivity, and through the natural healing process, the painful memory softens. Although the grieving process is complex, there are a few simple signs that signal “it’s time to let go and move forward.” We began telling the stories of Chad’s life – many times with a chuckle and a smile. We began to encourage family relationships recognizing that “family” is a precious possession. We connected with God in new ways that were personal and fulfilling. One sure sign of reinvesting in life is the search for meaning. What is my life’s purpose? What is my life plan? Is God still watching over me? We looked for signs that it was acceptable to live again. Another good sign was that when we awoke in the morning, our first thoughts weren’t about Chad or the misery of our grief. We awoke with the energy to see the day and discover new possibilities. We appreciated the little miracles every day. And, a very positive sign that life is moving forward in the best possible direction is when you are willing to share your journey positively or do anything to help others enrich their lives. We instinctively became more compassionate. We could understand the “pain” that people feel in their lives in a new way. Though each of us is different with different challenges, life changes become the compass that directs our paths. Sometimes our paths are very different than ever imagined. What heals the wounds is what we do with our grief and with our lives as a result of the trauma or loss that caused us great pain. When we observe others who have “overcome” obstacles in life, we mentally compare our situation to theirs. We may look at them and wonder, “I can’t imagine how they did it.” What is their secret? What heals the wounds is finding the courage to step over the pain and reach out for something we can appreciate. It’s called HOPE. Grab it! Hand on to it! And breathe in and out, knowing life goes on and so can you. Who Am I Now? We become proponents of change, because we recognize that to live fully we must honor the obstacles we’ve overcome. During the presidential debates, all the candidates boasted the subject of CHANGE. It became the buzz word of the debates, the primaries, and going forward to the big election day. Change is required, not only in politics, but in our real lives with or without life-altering events. We live in a world of change. Think back a generation or two and recall all the change that has occurred in technology, life styles, clothing, women’s rights, and disease management. We are constantly affected by change. When we cease to accept change, we are stuck. Significant loss and grief typically result in significant change in our lives. I feel blessed to have gotten through intense grief and to have learned to embrace the results. I feel blessed to be able to look back and remember, as awful as it was, and recognize that the flashbacks to that pain are temporary. I will never forget Chad, who was such a wonderful part of our lives. His story still reinforces great lessons of human nature, humility, sacrifice and unending love. There is no doubt that I am not the same person I was fifteen years ago. On the outside, I’ve definitely aged. But on the inside, that’s where I’m really different. I’ve learned that the surprises of life make me as vulnerable to challenge as the next guy. I have “forgotten dreams” replaced with “maybe moments.” I’ve put my regrets (“I wish I would have, could have”) behind and focus only on the sanctity of happy memories. Loving family and friends have shared my sorrow; listened to my story; and helped me honor the past. Our slogan at Wings is “Remembering the Past and Rebuilding the Future.” I’ve learned this is the core of what good grief is all about. On the inside, I understand the word, “friend,” and I’m fortunate to have made many new ones. I value my commitments and have learned to say “No.” I adjust my priorities, sometimes after tense moments of fighting the inner ego that says “you have to” or “you need to.” I am more true to myself. In the need to create continuity in life, I try to build bridges where there once were many gaps. Although it seems as if I’m often unprepared for a single event, I’m more prepared for the grander event of all. I’m still the mom who lost a child. I still feel sad dreaming dreams that will never come true, but I move on. Time has healed the deepest wounds, but a shadow of the scars will always remain. They are battle scars; medals of honor. They signify Courage, Wisdom, and Strength. They create limitless stories of Hope. They are marks in time, lessons of love, and I wear them proudly. They pay homage to this anonymous quote: “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” I chose to heal the pain and replace the suffering with hope. Copyright © 2008 by Nan Zastrow, Wausau, WI 54401, www.wingsgrief.org, wings1@charter.net Reprinted with permission of the author

Kay, dear ~ You already know that the most precious gift you can give to Virgie is your understanding presence. She is blessed to have in her life a dear friend such as yourself. Know, too, that we will be here with open arms to welcome your friend, if and when she ever chooses to join us.

My dear Kay, What you say is so true ~ sometimes praying is indeed the only thing we can do for one another ~ and surely you and those you love are in our prayers right now. I'm reminded of the beautiful words of Abraham Lincoln: "I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom, and that of all about me, seemed insufficient for the day."

Author Nina Bennett will join Drs. Gloria & Heidi Horsley on their nationally syndicated talk radio program “Healing the Grieving Heart” VoiceAmerica Health and Wellness Network broadcast live on Thursday May 29 2008 at 12 noon Eastern time It can be accessed at http://www.thegriefblog.com or http://www.modavox.com/VoiceAmericaHealth/ Nina Bennett, a Delaware native who resides in Newark, is the author of Forgotten Tears A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief. When her granddaughter was unexpectedly stillborn following a healthy, full term pregnancy and normal labor, Nina found minimal resources for grandparents. Drawing on her professional background, she incorporated her own experience into theoretical knowledge about grief and wrote Forgotten Tears, which was published in July 2005. Quotes from bereaved grandparents and leading experts in the bereavement field make this book equally relevant to families and professionals. Ms. Bennett presents lectures and workshops locally and nationally on issues related to perinatal bereavement. Reviews of Forgotten Tears A Grandmother’s Journey Through Grief have appeared on Amazon.com, in KotaPress and A Journey Together, the newsletter of Bereaved Parents, USA. The book is featured on the web site of Alliance of Grandparents, A Support in Tragedy (AGAST).

Dear Ones, This link will take you to a lovely article by my friend and colleague Linda Pendleton, entitled Guardian Angels: Symbols, Metamorphoses, and Transformations. Here you can read Linda's article and, if you are so inclined, share your own experience of being touched by an angel: http://selfhealingexpressions.com/symbols_...an_angels.shtml

Oh my, Wendy ~ guess who is smiling right now? xoxox

Hi Josh, These certainly sound like symptoms of a panic attack to me, but the first thing I would recommend is that you make an appointment with your primary care physician as soon as possible, in order to rule out any other physical causes for your symptoms. That said, I want to add to what Bob suggests, and point you to some additional resources that you may find helpful and informative. Over the last twenty years, researchers and clinicians have developed a number of useful tools for coping with anxiety. Such tools are highly effective, practical, efficient, fast-acting and accessible, and work well by themselves and in conjunction with other forms of therapy. These new therapies include Guided Imagery, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Thought Field Therapy (TFT), Emotional Freedom Technique(EFT), Tapas Acupressure Technique (TAP), Prolonged Exposure Therapy (PET), Trauma Incident Reduction (TIR), Imagery Rehearsal Therapy (IRT), Visual Kisesthetic Dissociation (VKD), and Somatic Experiencing (SE), among others. All those choices may seem overwhelming, but I encourage you to read more about them, most especially about the potent tool of guided imagery. A good place to start is on the Alternative Healing page of my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find links to many helpful resources. See these especially: Panic Attacks, at http://healthjourneys.com/Product_Detail.aspx?id=360 Columns and Articles by Belleruth Naparstek, at http://www.beliefnet.com/author/author_64.html Emotional Freedom Techniques, at http://www.emofree.com/ Guided Imagery or Visualization, at http://www.holistic-online.com/guided-imagery.htm Healing Affirmations, at http://www.beliefnet.com/story/26/story_2680_1.html Belleruth Naparstek's Guided Imagery Center, at http://www.healthjourneys.com

My dear Midnight, The reactions you describe (intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, panic attacks, etc.) are not unlike what would be seen in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As a bereavement counselor, I can tell you that, if this is indeed the case, before you can begin to do any effective grief work concerning the death of your father, it is very important that these issues be addressed first. You might consider asking your doctor for a referral to someone who specializes in PTSD, where treatment includes simple tools (relaxation, breathwork, meditation and guided imagery) to help you master and calm the troublesome symptoms you are experiencing now. At the very least, I strongly encourage you to do some reading about PTSD so you will be better informed about it. There are some wonderful and informative resources on the Internet (listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site; see especially Gift from Within) – but I also want to recommend an outstanding book, Invisible Heroes: Survivors of Trauma and How They Heal, by Belleruth Naparstek, a psychotherapist and noted expert in PTSD. (If you click on the title, you’ll go to Amazon’s description and reviews of the book.) I cannot recommend this book highly enough, because it explains PTSD so thoroughly and it also contains some very simple, practical tools that you can begin using right now. Among other things, the author points out that, All of these people . . . were helped, in differing ways, by strategic doses of applied imagination. In each instance, what got them through was imagery, sometimes guided by a therapist, sometimes by an audio program, and at other times spontaneously generated from within . . . These imagery-based solutions use the right hemisphere of the brain – perception, sensation, emotion, and movement – rather than the left side’s standard cognitive functions of thinking, analyzing, verbalizing, and synthesizing. And that’s why they work. Trauma produces changes in the brain that impede a person’s ability to think and talk about the event but that actually accentuate their capacity for imaging and emotional-sensory experiencing around it. Imagery uses what’s most accessible in the traumatized brain to help with the healing . . . But too few survivors know this and, sadly, too few professionals as well. So people are not only baffled and alarmed by their symptoms; they are more often than not seeking – and getting – the wrong kind of help from people accustomed to using discussion, thinking, and language – help that often misfires. It’s not that talk therapy is bad. The emotional support of a sympathetic listener is as critically important as it ever was. It’s just that it’s not enough by itself . . . [pp. 12-13] You can learn more about this author and her work here, and I think you may find this article of hers particularly helpful right now: Guided Imagery for Relaxation I can assure you, Midnight, that (given the history you describe) you are not crazy. The reactions you are experiencing are real, and they are demanding your attention. Please share your recent symptoms with your doctor, and seek his help in obtaining the help you need and deserve.

Stepping Stones of Hope offers these announcements: Our third Camp Erin will be held on July 11 - 13, 2008 at Spirit in the Desert Retreat in Carefree. The program focuses on the connection between mind, body and spirit. Camp Erin, named in honor of Erin Metcalf, who died of liver cancer at 17, is sponsored by The Moyer Foundation, founded by professional baseball player Jamie Moyer and his wife Karen. For more information or to register, please click here. Our 17th Camp Paz, and second at the animal sanctuary Whispering Hope Ranch, will be held October 25th-26th, 2008. For more information or to register, please click here. Both Camp Erin and Camp Paz offer simultaneous programs for children and the adults in their lives. Both Camps provide the opportunity for grieving children and adults to interact with peers in a comfortable, welcoming atmosphere where feelings are truly expected and validated. A 6-week family support group follows each weekend program.

Deborah, dear ~ In the course of doing some other work online, I came across an excellent article that made me think of you immediately. The author is a bereaved mother (and PhD psychologist who also works with the bereaved). She is writing about her own grief process following the death of her child, but I think her words will ring true to all of us, and most especially (I hope) to you. To read the article, you can download the attached PDF file, or you can find it on the Grief Notes page of the author's Web site, Gili's Place. Once there, under Grief Notes, click on the article entitled On Choice and Grief. ChoosingToLiveAgain.pdf

Lin, dear ~ I can't think of a better way to describe what is so helpful about a grief support group than your statement, "When they say, 'How are you?' they really want to know." I just wanted to thank you for that. I also want to reinforce your suggestion to Singledad to "do whatever you need to do to get through this." The most important thing we parents can do with our children's grief is to take care of our own grief first. Think about the advice we're always given by airline attendants when they review with us what to do in case of an emergency: "Put your own oxygen mask on first ~ then assist your children with theirs."

Deborah, dear ~ You said, "Since his death I've counted month by month, now years and months, feeling like its my way of showing him I've not forgotten how much time has passed. But this month, I missed it." So often in grief we confuse the depth of our love with the strength of our pain. In other words, in my grief for the one who died, if I permit myself to stop hurting, even for a moment or an hour or a day ~ or if I let an anniversary date slip by without remembering my special person ~ it means somehow that I am forgetting the one I love. We confuse letting go of our pain with letting go of our beloved. I cannot tell you how to let go of the pain of losing Larry, any more than I can tell someone how to let go of the pain of losing a limb ~ but I do know that over time the pain of such a loss begins to lessen a bit. You'll never stop missing Larry, any more than an amputee would stop missing an absent arm or leg. You simply learn to live with what is left. That is what we're all doing, here, isn't it? Learning to live with what is left? And this learning is a process that takes time ~ perhaps a lifetime ~ to figure out. You say the struggle to live without Larry is exhausting you, and at the same time you feel guilty for not having the energy to begin investigating his death. I get this image of you torn between two very large objectives, unable to devote all of you to both of them, and therefore unable to devote any part of you to either. I wonder what would happen if you deliberately and intentionally set aside the latter for the time being (along with all the guilt you're feeling about not doing it), and decide to focus your full and undivided attention on your grief?

Program Manager Liane Fry offers this announcement: Please see the attached flyer for Camp Erin San Diego which is a weekend overnight camp, free to children who have been impacted by a death, running September 5-7, 2008 at Green Oak Ranch in Vista. Camp Erin San Diego is filled with traditional, fun, camp activities combined with grief education and emotional support. If you know of a family who would benefit from this service please give them the flyer. Support from The Moyer Foundation, Qualcomm and The Scripps Foundation ensures that Camp Erin San Diego is free to all campers. Thank you. Liane Fry, LMFT Program Manager Center for Grief Care and Education San Diego Hospice & Palliative Care 619-278-6516 6190SDHCampErin_SelfMailer07.pdf