MartyT

Orange County Register reporter Sam Miller writes, I thought some of the grieving people you know in cyberspace might be interested in this story about the difficulties teens and adolescents go through when a parent dies: Wednesday, May 14, 2008 When dad dies, teen nearly follows After Gary Tannehill died, his oldest daughter sunk into chaos. A community rose up to support her. By SAM MILLER The Orange County Register Sondra Tannehill was 16 and drunk. The girl who was driving her has been drinking, too. They were both dressed up for a screening of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," wearing pink wigs and, she says, "dressed like prostitutes to the nth degree." They were lost in downtown Long Beach. They were being followed by a carful of strange men. They nearly got in a fight with eight girls in a 7/11 parking lot. And instead of thinking something like "I need to make some changes in my life, pronto," she was thinking "Ohmygod, this is so much fun!" It was four years after her dad died. "A lot of people say they hit bottom" she says now. "I am a bottomless pit. Bottom for me would be death. I was very close." When a young girl's parent dies, the uneasy drama of adolescence can become utter chaos. It did, anyway, for Sondra. Read on . . .

Kay said, if someone can find the link to Karen's story about scattering her husband's ashes, I think we could use that story again, it was great. Anyone??? Is this the post you meant, Kay? http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=13014

This message comes to us from Shayla Dugan, bereaved parent and HOPE mentor for the MISS (Mothers in Sympathy and Support) Foundation, a non-profit international organization that helps families cope with the death of a child: This September 25-28, in conjunction with the Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Foundation and Arizona State University, the MISS Foundation will hold its annual conference for bereaved families and professionals in Phoenix, Arizona. This is a rare opportunity for grieving parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, as well as compassionate professionals to come together to learn and share through various workshops and presentations. In addition, a kids’ camp is offered for grieving children and teens, ages 4 to 17. For more information, please feel free to visit our conference website or contact me, Shayla Dugan, at shayla@missfoundation.org For more information on the MISS Foundation, please visit us at www.missfoundation.org . Wishing you gentle days, Shayla Dugan, MSW HOPE Mentor MISS Foundation

Dear Ones, This announcement comes to us from Caring Connections, a program of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO): Family Caregiver Alliance Offers Free Telecaregiving Workshops Online Family Caregiver Alliance now offers an online audio archive of their popular TeleCaregiving(sm) Series. Caregivers can learn practical care skills from expert instructors without leaving the comfort or convenience of their home or office. Workshops are available on these and other topics: Caring Together! Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities with Siblings and other Family Members Here but Not Here-Finding Hope When Your Loved One Has Memory Loss Keeping Away the Caregiver Blues and Understanding Difficult Dementia Behaviors Each title in the archive is available free, 24 hours a day. Access the The TeleCaregiving(sm) Audio Workshop Archives on the Family Caregiver Alliance Web site. Once there, see the second column entitled Teleconference Archive.

TRUST by P.S. Gifford I trust my best friend one hundred percent, without any question or doubt. I tell him all of my secrets, share my dreams, confide my fears and confess my sins. He listens without ever passing judgment. I always feel better after confiding in him and I feel that everybody should have someone they can talk to discreetly. It is cathartic sharing your deepest most private feelings. Trust me on this. I have told him things I would not dream of telling anyone else and I know that he would never betray my trust in a million years. Often times we enjoy walking as we chat, maybe along an isolated beach, or sometimes in the mountains. It is invigorating simply being outdoors with him and whilst sharing his loyal company I have been inspired to write many of my stories. Being with him is liberating for the mind. Talking openly seems to have a marvelously stimulating effect on my imagination. It is as if he is some sort of magical catalyst to my inner truer self. Being with him allows me to tap into my deepest feelings. He truly makes me appreciate the simpler things in life. He is not swayed by materialistic things. He does not care what car I drive, what zip code my house is in, or how much money I earn. He appreciates me for precisely what I am. Chester has been a part of my life for six years now. And, to be perfectly frank, I can not even imagine him not being a part of it. There is great comfort in knowing that Chester will never think bad of me, no matter what I tell him. I swear he is better than any psychoanalyst. I have no need to pay anyone one hundred dollars an hour to analyze me. He is watching me type this and looks most curious. I suspect he knows I am writing about him. I swear he knows me so well that he can, on occasion, almost read my thoughts. I will read it to him before I hit the send key. He will get a good kick out of it I am sure. Then I will give his belly a good old scratch and take my beloved dog for a good hearty walk up the creek. Chester came from a dog shelter and had been terribly abused. But, he brings unconditional love into my life on a level that no person could ever compete. People are flawed. People can be vindictive, cruel and just plain mean. Dogs are loving. Dogs are forgiving, sweet and just plain needy. Yes, I have been blessed with a loving wife, a fantastic son, and numerous friends whom I trust ninety percent of the time. With my wife it is ninety nine percent. But even then humans are prone to anger, and anger tampers with the rational part of the mind, and people often say things that they will later regret. I know that all my secrets are completely safe with Chester. -- © 2008 by P.S. Gifford. Reprinted with permission of the author. Web site: http://www.psgifford.com; mail to: psgifford@earthlink.net

Dear Don, I, too, am so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Chewy, and I can assure you that the guilt you're feeling now is familiar to all of us who've been faced with that awful euthanasia decision. Try, for example, typing the word "guilt" in the search engine for this forum, and see how many posts come up for you. In addition, you might find this radio interview clip to be helpful. Follow this link, and when you get to the Web page, scroll down until you come to Segment on Pet Loss Grief and Guilt: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/deal..._pet_loss.shtml See also Loss and the Burden of Guilt

Shelley, dear ~ Stand up straight, keep your shoulders back and your head held high. Think positive thoughts when you get on that plane tomorrow, and know that we're all rooting for you! And throw a quarter or two in one of those slots for us when you get there! We are very, very proud of you. You GO, girl!

Lily, dear ~ I'm so sorry that you're having another lonely Sunday, but I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that we are here for you. I know from reading your earlier posts that you tried calling a local hospice to find out what, if any, bereavement services might be available in your community, but it was on a weekend and I don't know if you ever made any connection there. Since you are a little over six months into your grief journey, I hope you will consider finding an "in person" grief support group. Unfortunately friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers may not fully understand or appreciate the continuing bond you have with your husband and the pain you're still feeling weeks and months after Rich's death. What is more, if you're like most people in mourning, your need to talk about your loss will outlast the willingness of others (who are not in mourning themselves) to listen. It is precisely at this point that a support group can be most helpful, because it is one of the few places where you can still talk about the one you have loved and lost, and feel deeply understood. The people in a grief support group require no explanation from you as to why you're still feeling whatever it is you're feeling because they share a similar loss. They "know" where you are because they've been there, too, and they're all walking the same path that you're on now. Just as you've discovered among our members here, when you are with other mourners, you don't have to worry about making them uncomfortable. You won't get unsolicited advice from them; you won't be judged by anyone; you can share as much or as little as you choose; and you can pass if you don't feel like talking. A support group can help you feel less isolated and alone. It offers hope, too, because you're surrounded with others who know the darkness of loss but are not immobilized by it. Here's how one widow describes her experience with such a group: Profound grief was, for me, deeply isolating, because although family and friends wanted to help, it was impossible for them to relate to what I was going through. Instead, I joined a bereavement support group run by professional counselors, which made the experience more manageable. It gave the process structure and me a place where each week, no matter what else was going on in my life, my grieving was encouraged. I joined a support group – even though the thought of being with strangers was, at that time, the last thing I felt capable of doing. No matter what other challenges I was dealing with, this was a place for me to fully know my sorrow. By its very structure, a bereavement group offers a sort of marker, one that allows you to appreciate your ups and downs, as well as your progress. Sure, you’ll cry in front of people you don’t know, but they’ll cry as well. And eventually, you’ll cry less and laugh more as you cherish the emotional safety this group provides. You’ll also feel good about helping other group members, which in turn helps you to begin to feel powerful and whole again. You might feel afraid that it’s like going to therapy, something that might be especially scary when you’re so vulnerable. Be assured that while a licensed bereavement therapist moderates the group, this is a “support” process group that deals with the here and now; it is not a therapy group that delves into your childhood in order to resolve old issues. Source: The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey through Loss to Life and Laughter, © 2006 by Gloria Lintermans & Dr. Marilyn Stolzman, p. 7

Dear Ones, Perhaps it's time to post this again: Posted by Tricia in this forum on May 5 2005, 08:03 AM Wearing a white carnation on mothers' day represents the memory of your dear mom. Wear a red carnation if you are blessed to still have your mom. I am going to make a few for my MIL and aunts. My one aunt lost her mom (my husbands grandma) in October. I thought it would be a nice gesture. I am going to make ribbons with something written on them. Maybe our moms names....or in memory. Any thoughts?? Posted by: MartyT May 5 2005, 01:03 PM My dear Tricia, Thank you so much for reminding me of this lovely tradition. I remember when I was a child my father gathering my mother, my sister and me together every Mother’s Day before we went to church, and presenting each of us with a beautiful corsage of fragrant, fresh carnations: white ones for my mother, whose own mother died when she was a child, and red ones for my sister and me. I remember seeing all the ladies in church with their corsages, too. My father explained that the white carnations meant that a person’s mother was deceased, and you wore red or pink ones when she is alive. Nowadays I suppose some will say that the Mother’s Day tradition of carnations and corsages was only a gimmick to help florists sell flowers, and maybe there is some truth to that – but it is a lovely tradition nonetheless, and I’m sorry we don’t see it anymore. Seeing those corsages signified to me that the women wearing them loved their mothers, and if the carnations were white, it signified that those women cherished how much their mothers loved them. I know we’ll never stop people from commercializing Mother’s Day by selling flowers, greeting cards, boxes of candy or meals at local restaurants. But how we feel about our mothers is priceless. I wonder what would happen if we all decided to revive an old tradition – by wearing white carnations on Mother’s Day? Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

[Derek, dear heart ~ I don't want to interrupt this thread ~ I just want to say hello and tell you how lovely it is to "see" you here again ]

Shelley, dear ~ I think the positive self-talk you're using and the sound advice you are giving to yourself are excellent Good for you

Shelley, dear ~ you might find these posts (by our own DesertBob) helpful: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2651&view=findpost&p=18732 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2666&view=findpost&p=19098 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2666&view=findpost&p=19238 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2770&view=findpost&p=19840 I know you love old songs, too, and you may like this one. It's an old World War II song, and it always makes me think of my own beloved parents: I'll be Seeing You I'll be seeing you In all the old familiar places That this heart of mine embraces All day through: In the small cafe, the park across the way, The children's carousel, the chestnut tree The wishing well. I'll be seeing you In every lovely summer's day, In everything that's light and gay. I'll always think of you that way. I'll find you in the morning sun, And when the night is new, I'll be looking at the moon -- but I'll be seeing you. — Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain

Elizabeth, dear ~ our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time. I'm so sorry . . .

Shelley, dear ~ You can do this You will do this You are not doing this alone Both your parents are with you And every one of your GH family is with you, right there in your heart

Hi Robert ~ It's all fixed! I changed your e-mail address as you requested.

Dear Ones, See also John's Book List And John's very own book, Finding My Banana Bread Man [Note to John: I received my very own copy of your beautiful book that you were kind enough to send to me last week, via your dear friend Ann ~ and having just finished reading it (again!) I am so proud of you I could burst. Your book is simply wonderful, John, and I will do everything I can to help you to spread the word about it. Thank you so very much for this most precious gift of love ~ and I can think of no greater way to honor the memory of your beloved Jack than this.]

My dear Kay, If what you need if for someone to take you seriously and to validate your concerns, let me hasten to add my voice to Kathy's and Deborah's. If I were you, I would be feeling exactly as you are about all of this. I would much rather have a physician tell me, "Your husband's fine; there's nothing to worry about" than to say, "Why didn't you have him come in to see me when you first noticed these symptoms?" We will keep you both in our thoughts and prayers, dear Kay, in hopes that you will find a way to get your hubby checked out as soon as you can.

Oh Scotty ~ Bless your sweet heart. If only our relatives, friends and co-workers had a clue about any of this. Please see some of the articles and resources listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site ~ you might consider printing a couple of the articles and sending them to that brother-in-law of yours: Helping Someone Who's Grieving And I hope you will pursue your interest in consulting with a grief counselor. I think it is one of the best presents you can give to yourself, and you deserve it. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't hesitate to seek professional help to make sure it heals properly ~ yet here you are with a broken heart, and you're expecting to take care of it all by yourself. You do not have to do this all by yourself!

I was invited to discuss A Different Grief: Coping with the Loss of An Animal Companion with Colleen Mihelich on her radio program, Finding Hope in Pet Loss on My Pet Station this past Monday, April 21, 2008. If you'd like to listen to the interview, you can do so here. (You'll need to allow about thirty minutes to hear all four segments of the program.)

Kay, dear ~ We will continue to hold Jim and his family in gentle thought and prayer. You might want to add Jim's name to this Prayer Wall . . .

Oh Elizabeth ~ I'm so sorry to learn that little Roarie is having such a difficult time. I can only imagine how hard this is for your mother. I don't know if you are interested, but today there are many Web sites offering information and support (via telephone and e-mail) to those who are providing hospice care to their beloved companion animals. You'll find many of them listed on the Alternative Healing page of my Grief Healing Web site. (Once there, just scroll down the page until you come to the Animal Hospice listings.)

Dear Ones, This beautiful song was written by Kathy Cochran, who believes the lyrics were given to her spiritually as a way "to reassure all of you that your loved one is happy and safe on the other side, and for you to know that you will be together again." You can read the story behind the song at Kathy's Web site, www.SpiritLyric.com, where you can also listen to it performed by vocalist Tiffany Coburn: Until We're Together Again. Until We're Together Again © Katherine J. Cochran (BMI) Vocal by Tiffany Coburn Some believe A star shining brightly in the heavens Represents the love of someone they can't see Others feel The butterfly dancing in their garden Is a symbol of a spirit flying free But when a gentle breeze caresses your hair Or you see an eagle soar in the air Should you smile and remember me in prayer Oh, I will be there (chorus) There's no need to say good-bye One day we'll be together Remember me and smile I'm in your heart forever I'll feel the love you send Until we're together again Close your eyes You'll find me sailing in the sunset Riding waves of bluest oceans ever seen Holding hands Of all the others here before me My head upheld to hear the angels sing I can do all the things I've always dreamed of I'll be watching over you from above Don't worry about me because I brought along all your love (chorus) There's no need to say good-bye One day we'll be together Remember me and smile I'm in your heart forever I'll feel the love you send Until we're together again It doesn't matter where you are My love will shine upon you from that star Like the butterfly, now I'm free Ascending through the sky peacefully (final chorus) There's no need to say good-bye One day we'll be together Remember me and smile I'm in your heart forever I'll feel the love you send All the love you send And you hold on to the love I send Until we're together again We'll be together again (Make sure that you also pay a visit to the Web page that includes many other beautiful songs recommended by our Discussion Groups members: Grief Songs)

Dear One, I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Drago, but pleased to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. I hope you'll also pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, which offers additional information, comfort and support. See especially these pages and articles: Articles ~ Columns ~ Books Why Does Pet Loss Hurt So Much? Bill of Rights for Grieving Animal Lovers Pet Loss Articles

That's strange ~ the photo comes through just fine on my computer. Maybe one of our members who is more familiar with computers than I am can help us with this mystery. (Are you out there, DesertBob ~ or maybe Maylissa's hubby?)

Mariah, dear ~ I'm posting this again, in hopes that it will help: Posted by: MartyT Dec 29 2003, @ 07:24 AM in Loss of a Parent or Grandparent: Why Do I Feel So Guilty? Dear Friends, Because guilt is one of the most common reactions in grief, I want to share with you (and with all our other visitors) the following, which appears on pp. 27-29 in Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year (the book I wrote for Hospice of the Valley): Guilt Even if there is no basis for it, we often feel guilty for what we did or didn’t do, said or failed to say when our loved one was alive. Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment. When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort him or her. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God. Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. You agonize and tell yourself, “If only I’d done something differently, this never would’ve happened.” Sometimes, though, there simply isn’t anything you could’ve done differently. When your loved one’s illness or death occurred, chances are that whatever happened beforehand was not intentional on your part. Given the stress you were under then and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. Given the information available to you at the time, you were doing what you normally would have done. Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life. Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. Nevertheless, if after careful examination of the facts you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them, it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could’ve done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on. Suggestions for Coping with Guilt ∙ Identify what it is that you feel guilty about. Resist the urge to keep such thoughts and feelings to yourself like so many deep, dark secrets. Bring them out into the open where they can be examined. Share them with a trusted friend or counselor, who can view your thoughts and feelings more objectively, and challenge what may be irrational or illogical. ∙ Listen to the messages you give yourself (the should have’s, could have’s and if only’s), and realize the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about. ∙ When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say “STOP!” firmly, and out loud if you need to. ∙ Live the next day or next week of your life as if you were guilt-free, knowing you can return to your guilt feelings any time you wish. Pick a start time, and stop yourself whenever you make any guilt-related statements. ∙ Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward you won’t say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read them every day. ∙ If you are troubled by feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering has ended, know that a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders; you have been released from an emotionally exhausting and physically draining experience, and to feel relieved is certainly understandable. ∙ If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He or She has to say about forgiveness. ∙ Participate in a support group — it’s a powerful way to obtain forgiveness and absolution from others. - Be your own best friend. What would you have said to your best friend if this had happened to that person? Can you say the same to yourself? ∙ Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to. ∙ Ask what you expected of yourself that you didn’t live up to. How is it that you didn’t? What were the circumstances at the time? What have you learned from this that you’ll do differently next time? ∙ What can you do to make amends? Find a way to genuinely apologize to your loved one’s spirit and ask for forgiveness. ∙ Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn’t get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be. ∙ Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you’ve been carrying around? ∙ Ask what it would take for you to forgive yourself. Can you begin doing it? Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive you.” Say it several times a day. ∙ Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt— only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself. ∙ When you’ve consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, and when you’ve made any amends you consider necessary, then it’s time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and to move on. ∙ Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one’s honor. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T