MartyT

by Marty Tousley We’ve barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief. Sometimes, for fear of “letting go,” we may find ourselves “holding on” to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness. If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever. If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine’s Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal. We can build a piece of “memory time” into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It’s much easier to cope with memories we’ve chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more. Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives. What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. (See also the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals on my Grief Healing Web site.) The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them. Think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination. •If you’re a writer, write – it could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don’t want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief. •Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one. •Purchase a book – perhaps a children’s book – on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed “In memory of [your loved one’s name].” •Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue. •Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle at Light a Candle Online •Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go – or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward. •If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so. •Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one. •Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods. •Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself. •Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.

Oh my dear Karen, you've left me in tears . . .

Elizabeth, dear, you bet it's something. Sometimes those little signs of forward progress are so subtle that we don't even notice them, unless we pay very close attention and give ourselves credit for them. Good for you for noticing! And go ahead and give yourself a nice, big pat on the back!

Dear Ones ~ You might find some of the articles I've listed here helpful as well: Helping Someone Who's Grieving

Dear One, My beloved father (who was a surgeon) always used to say, "There is no such thing as minor surgery ~ it's all major ~ and most especially when the surgery is being done on you". As one who's endured many surgeries over the years, I completely understand your concern ~ it's only natural to be worried when you're facing something like this. Have you ever considered using guided imagery in preparation for your operation? Studies show (and experience has taught me) that relaxation and guided imagery can have a very positive effect, both in preparation for surgery and afterward (in managing pain and in promoting healing). Here are two such resources from Health Journeys that you may find quite helpful; these links will take you to descriptions, audio samples, and customer reviews of each: Successful Surgery Ease Pain

Teny, dear ~ I know you've taken my online e-mail course, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey, but it's been a while. Do you remember reading Lesson 22: Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief? Here is a portion of that lesson: “As I drove along a lonely stretch of road the other day, I heard our favorite song on the radio and it kept me crying for miles. I thought I was finished with all this crying.” Aftershocks happen when some of the “down” feelings you’ve already experienced in grief come at you again several months after the death, or even after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise: a song, a place, a movie or a season, and it’s as if you’re confronted with the death for the first time, all over again. Painful emotions crash in upon you, and it feels as if you’re starting the entire grief process anew. Aftershocks of grief are normal, and they will pass more quickly each time you experience them. They can be controlled somewhat by controlling the reminders of your loss, either by intentionally disposing of them or deliberately seeking them out . . . [Given certain reminders,] you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your loved one’s diagnosis, treatment and care, remembering your experience of facing a terminal illness together . . . Rest assured that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. You are not losing ground; the progress you’ve made is real . . . At this point, it's only natural to look back and reflect on what used to be before you can let go of it, move on through your grief, and embrace whatever your life is going to be in the future . . . As you’ve already discovered, you’re never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or twenty years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but it won’t take as long and it won’t be as difficult. The fact that you've started exercising three days a week, you're attending a support group, and you're thinking of starting a new business with a friend are all indicators of positive, forward movement, and I am very, very proud of you. You just hit a very big bump in the road ~ but that does not erase the progress you've already made in your journey! Sit down, rest a while, take the time you need to get your bearings, then get up, dust yourself off, take a deep breath, and you'll be ready to keep on going.

Maylissa, dear ~ Dr. Bittel informs me that she is already aware of this conference: "Thanks for thinking of us! Signed up already a while ago and have posted the link on our site as well : )" (See http://www.spiritsintransition.com/calendar.htm)

Oh my dear Maylissa and Wendy, while I am humbled by and grateful for your very kind words, please know that I became aware of Allie's important work via an e-mail sent to me by a colleague ~ I cannot claim any credit for doing anything more than what you two are doing also ~ and that is to do everything we can to spread the word about the PAWS program. We are all in this together, and as we all work together, look at the difference we are making in the world! How wonderful is that? I say Hooray for all of us

Dear Mduwyenie, We haven't heard from you since you shared the news of your pending surgery, and I can't imagine how frightening this must be for you and your family. Please keep us updated as you are able to do so, and know that, whatever you must face in the weeks and months ahead, you are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

Bless you, Wendy, and thank you!

Take heart, my dear ~ We are making progress!

The following comes to us from Tony Falzano, and is reprinted here with his permission: JOURNAL YOUR JOURNEY THROUGH GRIEF by Tony Falzano The ceremony is over. The burial is complete. The concerns and dinners offered by others are less frequent now. The same old struggle greets each new day: How do you cope with loss while facing the reality your life must move forward and return to “normal”? It’s at this time that most people will stay close to family and friends who will provide comfort and support. Some individuals will take proactive measures to relax the mind and body in an effort to manage their grief. But only a few will think about a simple, practical, inexpensive, every day function that may be of service to them during this life changing event. It only requires a pen, a notebook and the openness to write what you’re feeling. It’s called Journal your Journey through Grief and it can help you to heal and feel better. “Writing seemed to be the only way I was able to give voice to my grief,” says Mark, who suddenly and tragically lost his sister in 1992. “Journaling allowed me to express the rage I had for being deprived of growing old with the one person I loved more than anything in life.” He continues, “Now as I read over those entries from many years ago, I can see how important it was for me to face the darkness head on. By facing the unthinkable, I was able to return to the light.” Personally, my journaling began seven years ago when my father’s health was failing. He was 82 years old, a paraplegic and couldn’t live alone any longer. My mother had passed a few years before and being an only child, I was faced with the responsibility of making sure his last years were as comfortable and safe as possible. This meant moving him into a nursing home. I lived 250 miles away, which made caring for him a challenge. While he was in the nursing home, I recorded my reactions to conversations I had with my father’s nurses, as well as social workers and his accountant. On the paper in front me, I took out my frustrations and fears as I tried to process my new role of ‘care taker and decision maker.’ After he took his last breath in October, 2005, journaling helped me to accept the finality of his passing. Writing through these experiences allowed me to channel my emotions to the paper, which assisted me to empty tension and feel physically “lighter.” And like Mark, writing what I was experiencing helped me to overcome grief. But besides feeling better, why is journal writing such a good idea for those submerged in the emotional wounds of grief? I think there are at least four major benefits. • Journaling will keep us active, give us purpose and allow us to perform a task that is constructive. Writing will offer “meaningful conversations” with ourselves. These conversations may help us to be more in control of our lives as we are engaged in a worthwhile activity that stimulates our minds. • We can relieve stress when we write. This is a huge advantage. Journaling will act as a vessel to release the bottled up emotions that bubble under the surface. Releasing our pain and sadness on paper may make us cry or scream. These are normal reactions and should be welcomed as they are stress reducers. • Writing is cathartic. It helps heal because it allows for honest self-expression. We can release our emotions at the moment we encounter them. Journaling is personal and will bring out issues that we may not want or be able to share with others. There is value in recording what we experience. One day we will return to our journal, read these heartfelt words of expression and truly appreciate how far we’ve traveled. • Finally, we can learn so much about ourselves when we write. Just the process of journaling forces our eyes, hand and mind to work in unison to deliver something “tangible.” The result is visual and we can read what we are feeling as many times as we want. Each time may shed more light on our original idea. This may detail a clearer understanding of why we grieve and what’s behind it. ************ Since the idea of journaling may be new to some, I have anticipated a few questions you may have and provided pointers to help you see if this activity could assist you. What is the proper way to journal, as I’ve never done it? Other than dating each entry, there are no rules for you. You do not need to be concerned if sentences are written in the “Queen’s English.” This is a time to be spontaneous and write whatever comes to mind. You’re interested in streaming consciousness, not necessarily formulating a great piece of literature. Remember, it’s not how the words read on the page but how you feel after writing them. How often do I have to write? There are no rules in this either. You could write daily or weekly. You can write for 3 days in a row and take 3 days off. You can write for an hour one time and a minute the next. Writing consistently every day will make one a better writer. However, when you journal your grief, you are writing for medicinal reasons. What do I have to write about? Anything you want. Here are a few common ideas to consider: What is bothering your mind at the moment? What are your memories of your loved one, such as what did you love most and least about the person? Another topic to explore: Do you feel lonely, resentful or confused? If so, why do you feel that way? Do you wish to be better understood or forgiven for something and what is it and why? In addition, what do you think causes you to mourn, or not mourn? Furthermore, journaling doesn’t have to be focused on just grief. You could also write about things unrelated to your loss. Scribble down a joke you heard that made you laugh. Or write about that new person you met who left an impression on you? Another good exercise is to journal what you are grateful for in your life. This could be your family and friends, a job you enjoy, your own good health, a pet or your faith. There’s something very spiritual in offering thanks while grief has you in its grasp. I’m afraid journaling may be too painful for me. For most, grief will not deter us from finding the pen to make our entries. But for some, yes, it can be painful, as it was in Mark’s case. However, he made it work by directing his inner most suffering and pain into writing a long letter to his friends. He shares the following recollection; “It took me a whole day to write this letter...maybe two days. I poured my heart out. I explained to my friends how much my sister’s tragic death devastated me and my family and how utterly surreal it was to be going through such a horrible experience. I then wrote about how important their friendship and support had been in getting me through each day and how important their friendship would be in helping me go forward. It was excruciating to write that letter...just raw pain & grief...and endless crying. But oddly enough, after I wrote it and mailed each of my friends a copy, I had the most amazing sense of peace. It was the first real sign that I was going to get through this. That is why I continued to journal.” His last lines are so important to focus on. Even though we are going through a difficult, even overwhelming experience, writing can show hope. And the evidence will always be right there on the paper in front of us. Do I have to write in silence? No. In fact, audio stimulation will enhance the ambiance and the environment will invite you to write. Many times our mood will mirror the music we hear and we write to its intensity. Music can also be an inspiration that gives us an emotional lift. Flowing, expressive, instrumental music that is melodic such as classical or relaxation music is most conducive for journaling. You may find that even your concentration is elevated when the “write” music is playing. What if I don’t want to write, can I do something else? Of course! Journaling is writing. But that’s not the only way to ventilate your expressions. You could paint, draw or write poetry. Some people write their words to existing songs to overcome grief. Besides journaling the last years of my father’s life, I composed music. The result was my CD, In Abba’s Arms. It contains 12 melodic, instrumental compositions that ironically have found a home with those who grieve. Little did I know that journaling my own loss in song, would one day aid others in their search for healing and hope. How long will I have to journal? Your journaling will probably coincide with your grief. Consequently, there is no set time. When you determine that you don’t need to do it anymore or start feeling like your self again, you may put down the pen and close the book… …or maybe you won’t! Maybe you’ll see the value in writing and this will encourage you to continue. Maybe you’ll discover that journaling your emotions and memories, anxiety and anger, reflections and feelings is an effective activity that makes you feel better and assist you to find solace and self-discovery while traveling the healing road towards recovery. Write on! [Tony Falzano is an award winning songwriter whose CD, In Abba's Arms contains 12 original instrumentals designed to be an "inspirational companion" that brings comfort to the bereaved in need of healing and hope. Also used by many to enhance quiet contemplation, the CD is available at https://store.cdbaby.com/cd/falzano. Tony's other article, Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieve, also appears in this forum.]

Maylissa, dear ~ thank you for picking up this important message, and for doing what you can to distribute it in your "neck of the woods." Please note that, since I posted the notice about it yesterday, Allie has forwarded the actual manual itself, which I've attached to my original post as a pdf file. If you save a copy of the file to your own computer, you can send it as an attachment to all those you've already contacted. xoxox

Announcing a ground-breaking event in veterinary medicine! First International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice Care! Register Now for the First International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice Care Coming to UC Davis in March 2008! Click on: http://conferences.ucdavis.edu/ISVHC The Nikki Hospice Foundation for Pets (www.pethospice.org) and the Assisi International Animal Institute (www.assisianimals.org) are proud to sponsor the First International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice Care, to be held at the University of California at Davis, on March 28-30, 2008, at the School of Veterinary Medicine. This event (the first of its kind) is highly recommended for veterinarians, holistic veterinarians, veterinary technicians and students, clinical practice managers, hospice professionals and volunteers,nursing personnel and medical staff, psychologists, grief counselors, social workers, bereavement facilitators, death educators, animal health care workers, shelter and SPCA staff, animal communicators, pet massage therapists, and the general public. CEUs will be offered to LCSWs, MFTs, veterinarians and veterinary technicians. Please join world-renowned practitioners of veterinary hospice care, human hospice professionals, and other well-known experts as they come together to discuss a fascinating and emerging field that is quietly revolutionizing both human hospice care and veterinary medicine. To register and for further information, please visit: http://conferences.ucdavis.edu/ISVHC. Symposium Overview This symposium will explore veterinary hospice care, based on human hospice models, which addresses the needs of people who wish to care for their dying animals in the comfort of their own homes—under the guidance and assistance of veterinarians and a professional, qualified staff. By training caregivers to provide comforting palliation for their pets and by offering extensive support services as well as effective pain management, veterinary hospice gives dying animals and their people the opportunity to spend meaningful, quality time together before the pet’s final journey. By compassionately closing the “circle of care,” veterinary hospice care honors the human-animal bond, never losing sight of either the companion animal or its caregiver in the total equation—and ultimately serving both in the best possible manner. Symposium Highlights: The relevance of human hospice to veterinary hospice care The mobile hospice veterinarian Pharmacological protocols in veterinary hospice care Setting up a veterinary hospice facility The value of holistic medicine in veterinary hospice care The role of pet nutrition in veterinary hospice care Working with grieving and dying companion animals Kathryn D. Marocchino, PhD Fellow in Thanatology: Death, Dying and Bereavement President and Founder The Nikki Hospice Foundation for Pets Rosemoor House 400 New Bedford Drive Vallejo, CA 94591 Tel (707) 557-8595 Fax (707) 557-5555 Email: info@pethospice.org Website: http://www.pethospice.org

American Humane announces the Pets and Women's Shelter (PAWS) Program: ****************************************** I am so proud to introduce the Pets and Women's Shelter (PAWS) Program Manual, which has been much of my life over the past 9 months. For many years, it has been a passion of mine to advocate for women and children to evacuate an abusive home with family pets and to encourage family violence shelters to allow pets to remain with the family. American Humane believed in my vision and we are proud to launch this national initiative. Many domestic violence shelters arrange for family pets to be safely housed at animal shelters or other off-site facilities. The PAWS Program is the first program to advocate for on-site housing of pets and to acknowledge the human-animal bond, which can be essential during a crisis. Keeping the family together (including the pets) when leaving a home is crucial to healing and recovery, as well as removing a target that can force a family to return to the abuser. The PAWS manual was written to cover many of the questions that arise when housing pets on site and to demonstrate that the program can be a simple process, even during times when funding to shelters is stretched thin. To help answer any specific questions that arise, American Humane is offering free technical assistance for any shelter interested in implementing a PAWS Program. I will be handling those requests and anyone can contact me at PAWSprogram@americanhumane.org or at the phone/email below. Please share this information with anyone and everyone who is interested, particularly with your local domestic violence advocacy groups, child welfare organizations, children's advocacy centers, animal shelters, veterinarians, medical/psychological providers, law enforcement, prosecutors, and judges. The more shelters that can begin to accommodate pets on site, the more women and children will be able to leave abusive homes sooner. If you know of anyone that does not have access to a computer and would like a printed PAWS manual, please contact me at the phone number below and I would be happy to mail them a manual. Allie Phillips, J.D. Director of Public Policy American Humane Association 206 N. Washington St., Suite 300 Alexandria, VA 22314 p = 703.836.PETS f = 703.549.KIDS www.americanhumane.org Protecting Children and Animals since 1877

Just beautiful, Karen ~ Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are a dear and precious soul.

Dear Rene, Many of our members have struggled with this matter of their surviving parent dating, so you are not alone. You may find the posts in these threads helpful: Going Too Fast My Mom Is Moving On Too Fast Family's Negative Reaction New Relationships (Note that this particular thread is four pages long.)

Dear Friend, I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your brother Matt, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to come to terms with such a loss, especially since he died under such suspicious circumstances. Not only was this loss sudden and unexpected; it’s complicated by the fact that nearly ten years later, you’re still not certain how or why your brother died, you’re still troubled by feelings of anger and guilt, and you’re still struggling to make some sense of this tragedy. Was his traumatic death an accidental suicide, or a negligent homicide? To what extent were his friends involved? I cannot answer the who or the how or the why, but I can assure you that learning to understand and manage your own grief is your greatest power over this traumatic loss. Since it’s never too late to do the work of mourning, I hope you will consider joining a suicide or homicide bereavement support network, or seeing a grief counselor or therapist ~ preferably one who has experience with traumatic loss and/or suicide and homicide bereavement. You might also find these earlier posts helpful; make sure to follow the links you’ll find embedded in them: Delayed Grief Very Tough to Move On, Homicide of a Brother

Maylissa, dear ~ I know it's been a while, and how lovely it is to "see" you here again, if only for a brief moment in time. You are sorely missed! The pictures of your boy and girl are amazing ~ I've never seen such shiny, beautiful fur, such clear and sparkling eyes ~ and I'm sure it's a testament to the loving care their mommy gave to both of them . . .

Maylissa, dear ~ There is not one among us who does not understand the private pain that accompanies the anniversary of the death of your beloved. Our thoughts and prayers are with you . . . They Lie in AmbushAnniversaries: Days to stay in bed on; times of remembering that throw us back emotionally, into the past moments, making our progress and lack of progress ever so clear. Oh, if only someone had prepared me for a setback on anniversaries. Anniversaries of births, deaths, special moments, dreadful times, triumphant victories can exhume past pain as if it were fresh. It seems to be an instinctual ritual performed by our subconscious that pays homage to the shadow of lost dreams. Memories don’t understand time. We expect to enjoy remembering or be unaffected by our memories. But anniversaries pluck at our subconscious, raising past feelings with no regard for the healing that has happened. It all seems for naught. Even after years, we may anticipate that the anniversary of the death will no longer have an effect. Time has numbed the grieving, lulling us with the false security of normalcy. Then we find ourselves in bed for the whole day, confused. But this is normal. We loved, and the imprint of that day rejuvenates both the love and the loss. Even if we convince our minds to forget, our cells remember. Expect this setback and be gentle to the part of the soul that doesn’t understand the passage of time. It is only temporary. Anniversaries are days to contemplate the past, and glimpse the tremendous difference in this new life that survived. One year ago, you died. Today I look at grief. With a capital G. It’s part of my life, as much as air, food, companionship, and love. Yet I fear it. Avoid it. Deny it. All through my life I’ve given up things, people, places. I’ve given up illusions – about omnipotence, about immortality. I’ve given up friends who unexpectedly betrayed me. Friends who moved away. I found out I wasn’t a whiz in science when I got a “C” on my fifth-grade exam. I found out that people lie, that parents break promises. I found out that my dreams of adolescence wouldn’t be realized by my twenty-fifth birthday. I discovered that dreams go away, as do lovers, parents, and siblings, by death, abandonment, or a divergence of life’s current. I discovered that the fantasy I had nurtured about someone loving me exactly the way I wanted was folly. I would never be loved that way. I’ve given up many things in my life. And I have never been graceful about letting go. Either I thrust something away before it can leave me, or I cling like a pit bull on a postman’s leg. When you died, I was not prepared for the deluges of feeling that would conflict with one another. I wasn’t prepared to feel love and hate at the same moment. I was not prepared to push and pull at the same time. Perhaps that is why I am inert today. ~ Stephanie Ericsson, in Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief, HarperPerennial, NY, 1993, pp. 177-178.

Hi Deb, I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your post until now ~ I've been in a conference all day. You can send me your questions via e-mail (tousleym@aol.com) and I will do my best to help you. Be aware, too, that there is a Help feature at the top right side of the site's main page; just click on that word and some helpful hints will appear on your screen. If you let me know more specifically what you're struggling with, I'll be glad to help

Dear Ones, The following just came to me via e-mail (embedded in the Winter 2008 ELetter from Wings ~ A Grief Education Ministry, and it seems to fit the topic under discussion: Be Good to Yourself — A Care TipWhen you need help, ask. Sometimes we hesitate to ask for help because we feel others' lives are too busy. We think we are imposing on their time and good nature and would rather do it ourselves than inconvenience someone. But the greatest compliment you can pay someone is to ask for their assistance. Trust that if they are unable to provide it, they will explain why. But don’t be afraid to ask again under different circumstances. ~ Nan & Gary Zastrow, Co-Founders Wings--a Grief Education Ministry P. O. Box 1051 Wausau, WI 54402-1051 Phone or FAX (715) 845-3424 Website: www.wingsgrief.org

Dear One, Welcome to our family. As I'm sure you've discovered by reading others' posts, this is a place of safety and comfort where you can give words to your grief by sharing your story of loss ~ a place where you will find emotional support and inspiration from others, as well as information about what is normal in grief and mourning. You might "begin" simply by telling us more about your mother.

Dear Deb, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so overwhelmed, and especially sorry that the support group you attended the other night was not a good fit for you. I know it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help like this, and it can be devastating when it doesn’t work out. I hope, however, that you won’t let this experience stop you from finding the help you need and deserve. Because your dad has died, you have lost one of the most important figures in your life. Know, too, that everyone's grief is different and unique, and there is no right or wrong way to "do" it -- there is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself. The reason this death feels so overwhelming is because you've never lost your father before. Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the death of a loved one, especially when that initial shock and numbness begin to wear off and we're hit with the full force of our loss. We think we cannot bear it, that to feel such sorrow is abnormal, as if we're going crazy. We think there's something wrong with us, or something unnatural about our feelings. But grief is not a pathological condition, my dear – it is a normal and very personal reaction to losing someone you love, and it can affect every aspect of your life: physical, cognitive, emotional, social, and spiritual. If you haven't yet visited my Grief Healing Web site, I'd like to invite you to do so now. It contains lots of information about grief -- what is normal, what to expect, and what you can do to manage your own reactions -- all of which can be very helpful and reassuring, especially if you've had no prior experience with the death of someone dear to you. On my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page you will find a number of articles I've written on various aspects of grief, as well as lists of books I've read and personally recommend. Sometimes reading the accounts of others who are mourning reassures us that if others can survive the most devastating of losses, then somehow we too will find a way to survive as well. See also Articles by Marty Tousley and Articles by Other Authors. My site also contains beautiful pieces written by others (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts ) as well as links to dozens of other sources of information (see especially those listed on the Death of a Parent page). You might also consider taking an online e-mail course of grief, such as the one I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. I think you’ll find that just reading the posts of others in our forums right here is a wonderful way to learn about normal grief and to connect with others whose experiences may be similar to your own. It is my sincere hope that this information proves helpful to you, my dear. I know that losing your father is painful beyond words, and we cannot take that pain away from you. I can assure you, though, that you do not have to bear it all by yourself. There is plenty of information, comfort and support "out there" just waiting for you to find it. I hope you will make the effort to do so, and that you will think of it as a gift you can give yourself.

My friend, I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved girl Darby, and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let her go. How empty your home and your heart must seem now, without your faithful companion beside you! These magnificent creatures have a way of weaving their way into every aspect of our daily lives, and the love they give to us is absolutely unconditional and irreplaceable. It sounds as if, despite everything you and your veterinarian may have done to save Darby, her heart and lungs were failing her. Surely you would have done anything to prolong her life if you could have. Making the euthanasia decision for our cherished companion animals is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, and I know this must have been terribly hard for you. Yet I'm sure your precious Darby knew how very much you loved her, and it seems reasonable to think that she would have understood that this was your final act of love for her. I don't know if you've ever spent any time on my Grief Healing Web site, but if you go to my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page,I think you will appreciate many of the writings you'll find there and I hope you'll find them helpful. See especially Rita Reynolds' beautiful piece, Euthanasia: The Merciful Release. I hope, too, that you will give yourself permission to mourn this loss and to experience your grief for Darby as legitimate and real. Unfortunately many people tend to underestimate the pain of losing a cherished pet, but only you know what your precious girl meant to you, and only you can measure just how very much you have lost. Sometimes it helps just to do some reading about this different kind of grief, as it helps you feel less "crazy" and alone. See, for example, my articles, Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? and Loss and the Burden of Guilt. Links to much of what I've written about pet loss are listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site; see also my Pet Loss Articles page. Finally, I want you to know that there are many pet loss resources available to you across the country, including telephone hotlines, message boards like this one, and chat rooms. You’ll find many of them listed here: Helplines, Message Boards, Chats. You will also find a great deal of empathy, comfort and support among the wonderful people in this forum, all of whom understand from their own personal experience the agony of pet loss. No one can take your pain away at this sad and difficult time, my friend, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you close as you embark on this journey of grief. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T