MartyT

Karen and Kathy, my heart goes out to both of you. The sense of responsibility you feel for your son and sister is enormous, yet so much of this is beyond your control. You are in my thoughts and prayers . . . You're probably already aware of NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) but I just wanted to be sure.

Hooray for you, Mariah, and thank you for letting us know!

Jan, dear, you have discovered a very important key to your own healing. Read this passage from Louis LaGrand's wonderful book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved: Finding Healing in Giving It is one of those beautiful compensations of life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. – Ralph Waldo Emerson It’s easy to overlook the importance of giving (something embraced by almost all of the major spiritual traditions in the world), especially when you’re in the grips of mourning. But I believe that once you start, you’ll realize just how much you have to give – which will in turn allow your inner strength to come to light. Aches and pains have a way of disappearing; peace and comfort have a way of coming back. Allan Luks, author of The Healing Power of Doing Good, conducted a study of more than three thousand volunteers from big cities to rural areas and found that 95 percent of those who had regular contact with people they helped experienced an inner feeling that he dubbed the “helper’s high.” (Recent studies have shown this high to be the result of an increase in the “feel good” neurotransmitter serotonin. Kindness was shown to raise serotonin levels and strengthen the immune system in both the giver, and incredibly, the receiver, too.) Over the long run the experience of helping translated into greater self-worth, stress reduction, and similar long-term health benefits to those resulting from medication or simple relaxation. Luks found the increased social ties developed through service enhanced the server’s emotional and physical health. Further research has shown that those who regularly help others reap the benefits of reduced depression, less fatigue, fewer headaches and backaches, an increased sense of control, and more general satisfaction with life. These findings suggest, as I believe, that our self-worth is not merely a product of people telling us that we are important or wonderful. Rather, it is the result of the things we do, the way we sincerely contribute to the world. Human suffering is everywhere, but in doing your part to reduce it, you can simultaneously reduce your pain. Your altruistic behavior will not only help others, but also light the fire of inner peace that will lead to a healthier you. You’ll find giving to be an antidote for the sense of powerlessness that accompanies your losses. And it is through giving that you will find yourself again, manage your sorrow, free yourself from isolation, and bring intimacy back into your life. Now, I don’t expect all this giving to happen immediately after the loss of your loved one. You’re going to need some time to grieve on your own, to do some of the inner work we talked about in earlier chapters. But when the time is right, when your wounds are not as raw, you will be able to reach out and give back. You will confront – either consciously or unconsciously – the pivotal question all mourners eventually face: “Will I be loss oriented or restoration oriented?” Will you make your sorrow your way of life, or will you choose a path to peace? Will you be a prisoner of your own thoughts, or will you find freedom through service? Are you content with only being wounded, or will you become a wounded healer? Remember, you don’t have to feel like giving to be an effective giver. Knowing you’re doing the right thing, even when you have to push yourself to do it, is of greater value to your healing. For that’s commitment at its highest level. Deep within, when you review your day, you will feel a sense of accomplishment and gain. Source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, © 2006 by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., pp 187-188

Your description of the role your beloved Kaylee played in your life touches my heart, meemo, and serves as a beautiful example of why we consider these precious creatures as angels in fur coats. May Kaylee's soaring spirit continue to watch over you, and may the love you have for each other live forever in your heart. Please know that you have our deepest sympathy ~ for all the losses you've endured.

Lyn, dear ~ I want to thank you personally for your very kind words, and may you continue to be blessed with all the love and happiness you so richly deserve.

Deb, dear ~ Those of us who've dealt with caring for our elderly parents have been faced with many of the same difficult decisions you describe, along with the same residual guilt. If you need reassurance that you did the best you could under the circumstances and made the right decisions for your mother and your family, you may find this book helpful: When Love Gets Tough: The Nursing Home Decision, by Doug Manning

Kay, I thank you for introducing this very important topic, and I thank all our members who have been (and will be) moved to participate in this discussion. Your post called to mind an excellent article I read some time ago by pastoral counselor Doug Manning, entitled Why Don't They Know What to Say? I found the article and just posted it in The Latest News.

The following article was written by Doug Manning, a warm and wonderful man who has been writing and speaking in the areas of grief and elder care for more than 20 years. Two of his books, Don't Take My Grief Away From Me and When Love Gets Tough: The Nursing Home Decision have sold over a million copies. His company, In-Sight Books, Inc. has published over 40 books, CDs, and DVD's in these special topic areas. A former minister, Doug traveled the country as a most sought-after seminar speaker until he retired in order to maintain his Web site, The Care Community. Why Don’t They Know What to Say? by Doug Manning At the end of a seminar, a couple whose son had been killed in a recent car wreck said, “”Why is it our friends don’t know what to say to us? And, even more upsetting, why doesn’t our church know? Our pastor came when our son died, and all he knew how to say was that he was not a grief counselor and did not know what to say. Then he began talking about children who were born crippled or with other problems as if our knowing that was going to make us feel better. Why don’t they know?” There was a time when I made excuses for people not knowing, and particularly for churches and pastors not knowing. Seminaries do not teach this to the clergy so they are not educated in this area. I no longer make excuses for them. With all of the books, articles, videos and seminars available in the world, ignorance on the part of the church or the clergy is no longer defensible. They should know what to say. As a matter of fact, I think they must know what to say. On a trip last summer, my wife and I visited several old friends and some family members. In the course of the trip, it dawned on us that we do not have very many friends who still go to church. Each family we visited was once active in church and now never bothers at all., As we thought this through and listened to their stories, a pattern developed. Every one of them had gone through some great upheaval and trauma in their lives, and the church did not know what to say or do. In time, the church became irrelevant to them and they dropped out. One man said, “When my son died, I was an elder in my church. You should hear the stuff they said to me at that time. I haven’t been back since.” I was speaking in a church a few months ago and a man pulled me aside to say, “My son was murdered four years ago. When that happened, I became the invisible man in this church. No one wants to talk to me. They run from me like I am a leper.” At a Compassionate Friends conference, a couple told me their child died in a church van on the way to summer camp. The wife said, “No one from our church has been in our home or spoken about our daughter since the funeral.” All of these experiences break my heart. When I started my new life’s work, I assumed the church would be my best source for seminars and book sales. I discovered quite quickly that if I depended on the church, I would starve. I had to go to a secular market to survive. I did go to a secular market, and I did survive, but it has always been my dream that one day the church would discover this area of need and respond. The church is in my mind and heart every time I write a book or produce a video. I always think of ways they could be used within the church. The last few years, we have sensed a change and a breakthrough in many churches. Many churches now use our “Special Care Series” to walk with their families through the first year of grief. I am speaking to an increasing number of clergy groups and finding there is great interest. I am more encouraged now than ever that the church will learn how to meet this need and begin to teach their people what to say and how to help. There are still some barriers to be broken. Some churches seem to think that to grieve is to deny faith. The seem to think if we really believe in Heaven, then we should rejoice when someone goes there. They seem to struggle with having great faith and still having great pain. This will take time to overcome, but it is coming. Other groups seem to think just quoting scripture makes the pain go away. I love the Bible, and I find great help and comfort in the teachings there, but I also hear people say that in the depths of their grief, the scriptures that folks quoted were a turn-off to them. The Bible was not at fault; it was the choices of text. The text that sounds wonderful to people who have never been in grief, can sound trivializing to someone who is suffering a loss. The church will ultimately be the key to helping people with their grieving. They alone have the organization and position to give help on a wide enough scale to reach the people who need to be reached. But if you are reading this article in the middle of your pain and you are faced with having a church who does not know what to say, what can you do now? May I suggest a few things? •Hang in there. The death of a loved one almost always creates the need to rethink and restructure our faith. Before the loss, we somewhat blithely believed our faith would sustain us as we sailed through rough waters. No one told us the pain and grief might fill us with doubt, fear and even wondering whether or not God is real. One person put it in great terms. She said,”When my son died, I lost all of the magic in my religion. I have rebuilt my faith, and I like where I am, but my new faith doesn’t have any magic in it.” •Having a faith does not mean you won’t go through doubt and fear. Having a faith does not mean you won’t get angry at God and at God’s people. My hope is that sooner or later, you will find comfort and strength and a sense of presence. You may not know how you know, but someone will just seem to be there. •Feel free to find help wherever it is. You need safe people and safe places. I wish that help were at your church, but if it isn’t, then find it wherever it is and don’t feel any guilt about doing so. •Make your own choice about church attendance. Sometimes people find it too difficult or maddening to attend. In those cases, a break may be in order. You need to be in safe places and with safe people. If the church can be that, wonderful. If it cannot be that, then you may need to stay away for a time. If your faith has meaning to you, you will come back in time. •Maybe the couple whose story started this article have the right idea. The wife said, “I shall spend the rest of my life trying to get churches to see this need and move to meet it. Doing that will give at least a little bit of significance to my son’s death.” Maybe if enough of us did that, they could learn what to say and how to be safe people and safe places. That is my dream. Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 402-553-1200, www.griefdigest.com

Gail, dear ~ "It is a special gift to be able to view the world again through the eyes of a child." Congratulations on the arrival of your second grandson!

Dear allalone ~ Better than anyone else, you know what was in your mother's heart. Have you ever considered writing a letter to yourself from your mom, as a way to give her a voice and a way to convey to you whatever it is you need to hear from her? This can be a very helpful exercise . . .

Is it appropriate for people to memorialize a cherished companion animal? Some may think that conducting rituals, funerals or memorial services for dead animals -- and setting aside special days to remember them -- is a frivolous waste of time and money, and those who engage in such practices must be eccentric and strange. But the fact is that elaborate funeral arrangements and lasting memorials have been used to honor beloved departed pets for thousands of years. Whether for animals or humans, death ceremonies and rituals help meet our needs to support one another in grief, acknowledge the important role our loved ones played in our lives, honor the memory of our departed companions, and bring meaning to our loss. The International Association of Pet Cemeteries has designated the second Sunday of September as National Pet Memorial Day. As you think about paying tribute to your animal companion on that special day, feel free to summon up your memories – they’ll comfort you and help you keep your animal’s love and presence in your heart. You can think of what was special about your pet, and reminisce with family members or others who knew your friend. Look over old snapshots. Talk about the funny or silly (or annoying!) habits your pet had. Such reflections will help you plan your own unique ceremony of remembrance, and will help you express and work through your grief as well. You can make a special place in your home, yard or workplace that acknowledges and honors your companion’s life – a place where you can go (or be) and remember your lost friend. Don’t be afraid to be creative. The death of your pet is a natural event and an occasion for the honest expression of your feelings and your values. You can honor your pet’s memory in whatever way you find meaningful, and I hope you’ll use this space to share with all of us some of the creative and individual ways you plan to celebrate National Pet Memorial Day this year. To learn how two very special men (one a beloved movie actor, the other, my own father) chose to remember their beloved dogs, see my article, Memorializing a Cherished Pet.

Mary Linda, you first mentioned this in your post of August 20, under the topic, Missing Persons, here. We all know how difficult this visit must have been for you, but you did it anyway, and for that, you have our respect and admiration. Please know that we will continue to hold your dear friend Paul in our hearts and prayers.

Deb, you asked if you'll ever dream about your mother, which reminds me of this post: I pray at night to dream about [my mother] and I don’t

Teny, our very dear friend from so far away ~ I hope that you can feel our arms around you, as we continue to hold you and your mother in our thoughts and prayers. We know that you are far away from us, but only in a geographical sense. It really does not matter how many miles separate us ~ we're still here for you, and we hope you know how very much you are loved.

Bless your dear heart, PattyAnn. We're all holding you gently, at 10:15 tonight and every night thereafter . . .

Lynn, dear ~ I've read all your posts in this and the other forums, and I want to add my voice to those of all our other members, expressing my heartfelt sympathy to you ~ not only for the death of your husband Jimmy, but also for the loss of your dear little chihuahua, who came up missing while your husband was in the hospital. Not everyone realizes that when a much loved animal companion goes missing, it is an especially agonizing kind of loss, because of the uncertainty involved. That's because you have no idea what happened to your dog, whether he is living or dead, suffering or at peace, homeless and wandering as a stray or living with somebody else. The feelings associated with this sort of pet loss are the same as if your dog had died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief can also be complicated by your own need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It is like harboring a wound that cannot heal. I'm not sure this would appeal to you, but nowadays there are animal communicators who offer their services in helping people get in touch with the spirits of their dead or missing animals. This of course is not for everyone, and some communicators are far more reputable than others. I offer this simply as yet another resource you may want to explore. See, for example, the Daisy Sutra page on my Grief Healing Web site; I've exchanged e-mails with author Helen Weaver and she is wonderful. Her book is about her original intention of writing a memoir of her dog Daisy who had died, which eventually evolved into describing what happened as she found a number of gifted animal communicators who helped her communicate with her dog. Three communicators about whom she speaks most highly are Penelope Smith, author of Animals: Our Return to Wholeness, telephone 415-663-1247, Web site www.animaltalk.net; Teresa Wagner, 916-454-0308, Web site www.animalsinourhearts.com; and Carol Gurney, 818-597-1154, Web site www.animalcommunicator.net. You may want to explore their Web sites to see if any of this interests you. (You'll find many others listed on my site's Alternative Healing page.) You'll also find several threads of past discussions on this topic by some of our own members; simply type the words "animal communication" in our "Enter Words to Search" box at the top of our main page, and see what comes up for you.

For those wanting to learn more about After-Death Communication: Christine Duminiak (Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, Facilitator of Spiritual Bereavement Healing, and author of God's Gift of Love: After-Death Communications) teams up with Sunni Wells (Sedona medium and author, Glimpses of Heaven from the Angels Who Live There) to offer A Day of Healing with the Spiritual Grief Experts. Details: After-Death Communication Bridges to Heaven for Those Who Grieve October 18, 2008, 10 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Scottsdale Thunderbird Suites 7515 E Butherus Drive Scottsdale, AZ 85260 Guests will be able to: •Request a specific spirit for a reading from Sunni Welles, as time permits •Learn 20 ways loved ones contact us •Learn how to get afterlife contacts •Learn how to heal from grief •Healing meditation with loved ones •Q&A session with the experts Seating is limited.Online Registration at Bridges to Heaven, http://www.christineduminiak.com/events.html or call 866.697.6571 (toll free) $50 each for 2 or more guests, or $75 for 1 guest. Optional Lunch Buffet - $16

Kathy, dear ~ As a fellow animal lover, I can certainly understand why you’re considering whether to bring another dog into your life right now. I also think you are wise to be raising whatever questions and doubts you may have now, ahead of time, as you think about and weigh all sides of this important decision. It's important to recognize that there are some great benefits in deciding to get another dog. As I’m sure you already know from your own experience with your darling lhasapoo daughter, loving and caring for an animal companion enables you to feel productive, useful and needed; to have someone to talk to and communicate with; to feel companionship and closeness with another, thereby feeling secure, protected, supported and not alone; to feel touched, both physically and emotionally; to engage more actively in life, as your animal depends on you for food, water, exercise and medical care; and to be motivated toward better care of yourself, out of a sense of responsibility for your animal friend. These are very real benefits for anyone, and most especially for one who is mourning the death of her husband! If you do decide to bring a new dog into your life, you’ll want to do all you can to make certain that the dog you select will be a loving, well adjusted companion, and that he or she gets along with your other doggy daughter. Fortunately there are many books, articles and Web sites to guide you in this process. See, for example, What to Consider before Adopting a Pet Choosing the Right Dog Introducing Pets to a New Dog How to Select a Shelter Dog How to Adopt a Healthy Dog from a Shelter Finding a Dog with the Right Energy

Dear Ones, By way of recommending the book, Cancer and Death: A Love Story in Two Voices to you, I’m sharing with you below the exchange of e-mails I’ve had with the author these last few weeks: ____________________________________________ July 17, 2008 Dear Marty: My name is Nick Trujillo, and I am a professor of Communication at California State University, Sacramento. My wife Leah Vande Berg, also a professor of Communication here, died 3 1/2 years ago from ovarian cancer. Before her death, we decided to write a book about the experience, telling the story of cancer, death, and grief from both of our perspectives and including the voices of other friends and family members who were involved. The book, titled Cancer and Death: A Love Story in Two Voices, has just been published by Hampton Press. I ask you to consider getting this book given your interest in the grief process. I have attached a pdf file with the Table of Contents and a sample chapter for your consideration. The book has received several endorsements from doctors, nurses, and officials of cancer and grief organizations. Russell Friedman, Executive Director of the Grief Recovery Institute, said this about the book: "Sadly, death is sometimes the best teacher we ever get about living. This book connects death to life and prompts--no, compels--us to live every moment to the fullest." Actress Fran Drescher, Uterine Cancer Survivor and President and Visionary of the Cancer Schmancer Movement, said this: "I applaud Nick Trujillo for his courage to share the story of his love for his wife who sadly lost her battle with cancer. It is both touching and inspiring." The book can be found on the Hampton website link below, or you may call 800-894-8955 to ask about it. The paperback version is listed at $23.95, and the ISBN number is 978-1-57273-851-5. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I am sorry for this personal email, but I am committed to telling as many people about this book as I can because my wife and I believe our story can help those who are facing cancer and death or coping with grief. Please feel free to forward this email to anyone you think might be interested in the book. Here is the link to the Hampton website: http://www.hamptonpress.com/Merchant2/merc...&Category_Code= Take care, Nick Trujillo, Ph.D. 916-278-6335 nickt@csus.edu _____________________________ July 21, 2008 Hi Nick, Thank you so much for alerting me to your new book ~ and please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the death of your beloved wife Leah. I can think of no greater tribute to her than the wonderful book you both have written, which I'm sure will become a rich source of help to many grieving spouses . . . I've taken the time this afternoon to read the excerpts you sent to me as a pdf file, and I love what you have presented thus far! Although I haven't read your entire book, I've seen enough to feel comfortable recommending it to those who visit my Grief Healing Web site; I've just now placed a link to it on my Death of a Spouse or Partner page. I'd be more than happy to review Cancer and Death: A Love Story in Two Voices for possible placement on the Articles~Columns~Books page of my Grief Healing Web site, if you're willing to send me a copy of the entire book . . . In any event, I wish you all the best in the sales and distribution of your book, and again I thank you for contacting me about it. Most sincerely, Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT __________________________________________________ July 31, 2008 My dear Nick, Thank you for sending me a review copy of your book. Now that I've read it, I feel as if I know you ~ and I surely do wish I could've known your beautiful Miss Leah as well. What a beautiful story of life and love and loss the two of you have given to the world, and how grateful I am that somehow your book found its way to me! I devoured every word the two of you have written ~ and those of all your devoted friends and colleagues that you so wisely decided to weave into your story. I was especially moved by your friend Jan's description of her participation in one of your scattering rituals (on pages 143-144), and I shall never look at a starfish again without thinking of Jan and Leah and their connection to each other and to the collection of other people and to the entire universe ~ which I know includes you and me, too I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to review your beautiful, heartfelt book, and I assure you that I will do everything in my power to let my own hospice clients, colleagues and visitors to my Grief Healing Web site and our online Grief Healing Discussion Groups site know about it. Wishing you continued peace and healing, Marty _______________________________________________________ August 25, 2008 Hi Marty--Thanks again for your interest in our new book, Cancer and Death: A Love Story in Two Voices, by Hampton Press (hamptonpress.com). This past weekend I went to the cove in Fort Bragg, California where I scattered Leah's ashes and made a couple videos, including a music video. When's the last time you saw a music video for a book? Thought you might enjoy them. The links are below. Thanks again for your interest. Take care, nick Here's a Here's the ________________________________________

Karen, dear, I'm so very sorry that you must bear this heavy burden, in addition to everything else. I don't know why life must be so difficult for so many of us sometimes. I hope it helps to know that we are here for you to lean on ~ and we are holding you and Danny in our hearts and in our prayers . . .

We can do that, Mike, and we will. This support group may be a virtual one, but it is just as valid, just as real, just as valuable as any "in person" group. It is, after all, what we the members make of it, just like any other group. It is a reflection of the people who are part of it, and I know from my own experience here that the people on this site are very special indeed.

Bless your sweet and caring heart, Ann ~ I'm so grateful for your wise and insightful words, at this point in your grief journey ~ and for John's as well. By sharing your reactions and experiences so openly, you're helping so many others to feel less crazy and alone . . .

Jan, dear ~ Some say that it helps to sleep on the side of the bed that was occupied by your spouse, so that when you fall asleep and when you awaken, it is your own side of the bed that is empty. You might also find this thread helpful: Not Sleeping

Kim, dear ~ As you anticipate and plan how you'll spend tomorrow, I hope you'll find the posts in these threads helpful: Feeling Down Memories First Year Anniversary Is This Normal?

Dear Daughter, It seems to me that you helped your mother in the most profound and loving way. You and your son gave her the gift of your presence, and your husband gave her the gift of his time, helping in a tangible way with yard work and repairs. You cannot take away your mother's grief, and more than she can take away yours. But grief shared is grief diminished. I'm sure your mother felt your love and concern for her regardless of the pain you're all experiencing now, and I cannot help but think that your dad would be very proud of all of you.