MartyT

Shelley, dear ~ I know that you are scared, and I know that you feel very alone right now, as you await the results of your mammogram ~ and I know that your mom's medical history gives you every reason to worry that you, too, may have a malignancy in one of your breasts. I don't want to give you false hope, but I know from my own experience that, at least where I go to have my mammograms done, there is a radiologist on staff who checks each film before the woman is allowed to leave the building, and if the doctor sees anything that looks suspicious, they make a point to tell you right away. Even if your screening center required that your films be sent out to be read by a radiologist somewhere else, if anything suspicious were present, I don't think anyone would wait several days to alert you ~ they would want you to know as soon as possible, and they would contact you by telephone, so you all could begin to deal with it right away. Again, I don't want to give you false hope, but I do want to offer you our presence, along with some reassurance. As the old saying goes, Shelley, you still don't know for sure what you are dealing with, so try not to cross this bridge until you come to it. It's all well and good to prepare yourself for the worst, but it's important, too, to hope for the best. And no matter how your tests turn out, please know that we are with you in spirit, and we won't leave you alone to deal with this all by yourself.

Dear Ones, The following message comes to us from Daddylivesforever; she has asked that I post it on her behalf: I have something to share with you this day, and I'm sharing it here in order to make a very strong yet truthful point concerning this life we are living and the value of the existance of our friends and loved ones in our individual lives. No, I'm not trying to spoil your day or "make" you depressed or anything. I'm simply saying this to you: we must stop taking our lives and the existance of our loved ones in them for granted. If we don't stop now, we will never learn to appreciate the breadth of the life we're living nor would we appreciate the irreplaceable people in them too--until it's too late. During the late-evening hours of Saturday, April 21, our beloved cat Baby was euthanized at the veterinary hospital because of a raging virus (among many other things) that was causing her so much agony. She never acted normally for over three days and so we knew that our time to say our final good-byes to her was nearer than we wanted it to be. So anyhow, once the reality of her death sank in during the wee hours of the next morning, all three of us adults were reduced to REAL tears. For me, her death was a unique loss because of the fact that as a homebody of three years, I had innumerable opportunities to bond with her and with the other pets we have as well. Now, I must take my leisurely walks or sunbathing outdoors with one less pet rubbing her furry body against the side of my leg and providing me with much needed companionship. I must walk outdoors and look around for her, only to realize that, ... Um, I know that the dog will be next to be put down because she is the same age as Baby was--in dog years. Her anticipated death is another loss I must prepare myself for, and knowing this fact just made my grief over Baby's death that much more heartbreaking for me. But wait! It doesn't stop there! Yes, Baby might be "just a cat" and her death may be "just a cat's death, goodness gracious!" The hand of death wasn't through just yet--not with my life, anyway. And nope, I'm not fatalizing anything! This is not a gut-wrenching guilt trip when I make mention of death's visitation. It's the facts of, well, life--like it or not. Just let me continue my explanations, okay? Yesterday afternoon, my worst fears about the supposed death of my all-time best female blind friend came to pass. Although I had heard rumors about her passing, I didn't want to believe it for two reasons: 1. The folks who had told me about her death didn't know all the details about its occurrence--if it ever occurred at all; and 2. Throughout the duration of the proliferation of such rumors, I had looked through the obituary notices of "The Honolulu-Advertiser" and never came across any for my dearest: Fatimah "Bonnie" Salameh. Anyway, once I discovered that Bonnie had died indeed, I immediately stopped my ministry work, ran off to the living room, fell flat on my face--and wept hysterically. ... Thoughts about her smiling face as she passed by me in the HandiVan in late 2005 haunted me and nearly killed me inside. You see, during that time Bonnie and I still weren't on talking terms because of a rotten dispute that had broken out between me and another friend of hers who was trying desperately to drive a wedge between me and her. Sadly, Bonnie had allowed this person to drive the wedge between us--and drive it hard, too--which had ultimately resulted in wicked friction between me and her. Incidentally, when I saw Bonnie on the bus that fall day in 2005, I had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be a make-it-or-break-it between us, particularly since we've known each other since 1987 and have been inseparable best friends--on the job, at summer camp, even in college--for at least eight years. Indeed, I had shared parts of myself and my personal life with my dear Bonnie that I've never shared with anybody in my family or even my friends, some of whom are also my childhood blind friends too. The bottom line is this: Bonnie and I both never took that face to-face encounter seriously enough to work things out between us as best friends, and neither one of us had a clue that that was going to be our final opportunity to do so! Did she die without having said her final dying words to me as her most trusted best friend? YES, SHE SURE DID!!! Does that mean that she had allowed this other person's manipulative tactics to drive a permanent wedge between her and me? YES, SHE SURE AS HECK DID!!! Now, did I take the time to give myself another opportunity to talk face-to-face with Bonnie and straighten things out between us so that I could love and honor her as my best friend? NO, I SURE DIDN'T!!! Did it ever cross my mind that I would never, ever have another chance to make things right with her so that we could enjoy more fun times together? NO NO NO, I SURE AS HECK DIDN'T!!! AND NOW, ... IT IS TOO LATE FOR ME TO DO SO!!! ... Look, as a matter of fact I seriously doubt that Bonnie even knew that my Daddy had died in 2004 OR that I had lost a fiance and five close friends by death that very same year as well. At the same time, I'm sure that she doubted that I knew the kind of horrible emotional turmoil she was going through as she thought about me and the blessed friendship we had taken so much for granted. Yes, I'm sure that neither one of us knew those things about the other! At this point, you may be wringing your hands (so to speak) and asking me these questions: "Okay, what the heck is your point here? Why are you telling me these sad, sobby stories? Why are you making this email for me so freakin' long, anyway?" Listen! Listen! As I have said to so many friends and family members before--especially within the past three years--I am gonna say it again, this time to you. Never, ever take your family members, friends, coworkers, etc. for granted because you never know that your last words to them--both good and evil--will be just that: YOUR LAST. Never, ever make the same stupid mistakes I made by keeping unresolved conflicts between you and a person unresolved. Suppose you lose your final opportunity to make it right with them--or have them make it right with you. Never, ever say to yourself: "I'll fix this problem with such-and-such a person tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or whenever I feel good and ready to or when the time is right for me to." Your "good and ready to" moment OR "right time" may never come--ever again. EVER! Just as life never waits for anybody, neither does death itself because death comes to all. Sincerely, Daddylivesforever

For more of the latest news on this matter, see Recalled Pet Food and Treats ~ Humane Society of the United States See also Pet Food Recall and Resource Information Center I'd also like to inform all our fellow animal lovers of this alert that came to me from a friend via e-mail: Could you please pass on my story about Xylitol to our animal friends. Xylitol is an artificial sweetener created from birch, raspberries, plums and corn mainly produced in China. This sweetener is found in many human "sugar free" products such as gum,candies and other sweets. In Humans high doses may have a mild laxative effect, but in dogs, ingestion could be fatal. On Monday evening, our dog Lizzie ingested a package of sugar free Trident gum. Fortunately for us, I found the remains of the package or we would never have known what she ate that made her sick. When I called the ASPCA Poison Control Center, I found out that Xylitol is very toxic to dogs. I rushed Lizzie to the animal emergency hospital for treatment and she ended up spending the next 24 hours there. The doctor induced vomiting and fortunately most of the gum was still in Lizzie's stomach. She had to have her glucose level monitored throughout the night and also have a liver panel done. Everything remained normal and she was able to come home the following day. She had another liver panel done on Thursday and I am happy to report that she will have no adverse affects from ingesting the gum. The doctor did tell me that I was lucky that it was gum as it takes longer for the body to break down gum than it does candy or food. Xylitol causes the glucose levels to drop rapidly causing hypoglycemia and this can happen within 30 minutes of ingesting Xylitol. Following the appearance of clinical signs intravenous dextrose can be used to control hypoglycemia. It may also be necessary to treat the patient for low potassium levels. High enough levels of ingested Xylitol can cause liver failure and death. Clinical signs of Xylitol toxicity may include one or more of the following: Vomiting Weakness Ataxia (uncoordinated movements) Depression Hypokalemia (decreased potassium) Seizures Coma Liver dysfunction and/or failure Searching the web for Xylitol will bring up many web sites concerning its toxicity to dogs. Fortunately, our story has a happy ending and I wanted to pass our story on to inform other animal lovers about the dangers of Xylitol. We are all very much aware of the pet food recall, but we also need to be aware of the other dangers out there that can have adverse affects on our beloved pets. If you need to find out if something your pet has eaten is dangerous to their health, you can call the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center at 888-426-4435 for information. There is a $55.00 fee for this service. Best wishes to you and your beloved companions, Dianna Vasicek

Oh my dear Lori, I know you want to hear your mother's voice ~ and you can, if you listen with your heart instead of your ears! You've known your mother's voice since before you were born, you've known it all your life, and you can hear it still, in the silence of your heart. Give your mom a voice by having her write a letter to you, or place her in the empty chair next to you and listen very carefully to what she has to say to you. Please, please do not go into this bone marrow biopsy on Friday thinking that you are all alone. Your mother is right there with you, in your very DNA! And we will all be right there with you too, as you are being held by all of us in gentle thought and prayer.

Annie, dear ~ What a lovely idea! Your kind invitation is accepted, and I will be there with all of you, at noon on Mother's Day, Sunday, May 13, feeling the love, and sending it to my precious mother, too. I'd like to think of all of our moms together that day, having a heavenly Mother's Day Brunch, and sending all of that love right back here to all of us. (So that you can introduce your mothers to mine, her name is Evelyn Cecilia Merritt, and she exchanged her earthly address for a heavenly one on October 6, 1993.)

My dear Deborah, You’ve asked me what I think, and all I can do is to humbly add my voice to the lovely, heartfelt song that’s already been shared by this beautiful chorus of GH family members. How I treasure each and every one of you wonderful people ~ how compassionate, intelligent, loving, and courageous you all are, and what a blessing it is to know that we are all still here for one another! I love each and every one of you! Noted grief expert Alan D. Wolfelt observes that we Americans tend to hold onto our basic Western cultural beliefs that the world is essentially a nice place, that life is basically fair, and that if we are good, then good things will happen to us, we will succeed in our work and in our relationships, and we will deserve all the bounty that life has to offer. As we already know, the death of our beloved can change all of that in an instant. In grief we are overwhelmed as we struggle to make some sense of our suffering, and we may find it difficult, if not impossible, to continue believing that life if worth living or that we could ever live a happy life again. We may lose faith in our basic beliefs about the benevolence and fairness of the universe, including our trust in God or in a higher power. In my own lifelong struggle to make sense of the pain and suffering that accompanies significant loss, in re-constructing my own basic beliefs, in my own search for meaning, I am drawn to those bereaved whose personal experiences and subsequent writings reflect ~ over time ~ a similar quest. Read, for example, what three such gifted authors have to say about trust, hope, faith, and loss: Is God All Powerful? I could not allow myself to ponder what God was thinking, but I started from a place of trust – a lifetime steeped in Catholicism, which I often challenged but nevertheless always honored. I simply believed what St. Augustine said in the fourth century: Faith precedes understanding. I simply believed the Jesuit theologian Teilhard de Chardin when he wrote in Le Milieu Divin, “If we believe, then, everything is illuminated and takes shape around us: chance is seen to be order, success assumes an incorruptible plenitude, suffering becomes a visit and caress of God.” These age-old luminaries were helping me through my grief. Instinctively, I believed what they wrote. I did not know, of course, whether they were right. Such things are unknowable, I told myself, and human tragedy does nothing to lift the veil of mystery between heaven and earth. But it did me good to contemplate my beliefs. In that contemplation lay one of the greatest gifts my daughter’s life brought to me – a clearer view of life and myself that seemed to explain how terrible things like Victoria’s stillbirth could happen in God’s creation . . . In the course of my reading, slowly I chose to give up the belief that God was all-powerful. Instead, I chose to believe God was hard put to stop the death of Victoria, a pure and innocent soul. What, then, were Victoria and I and God powerless against? Could it be nature? Granted, God created nature, but the nature He created is inherently unpredictable and hardly benign. Nature is ruled by laws implicit with danger. Take gravity, for example. Gravity is a good thing. It ensures that everything on earth stays down in its place. However, as [Rabbi Harold] Kushner explained: Gravity makes objects fall. Sometimes they fall on people and hurt them. Sometimes gravity makes people fall off mountains and out of windows. Sometimes gravity makes people slip on ice or sink under water. We could not live without gravity, but that means we have to live with the dangers it causes. Laws of nature treat everyone alike. One of the first good laughs I had after Victoria’s death was while reading Kushner’s book. I imagined God as an old rabbi in the sky throwing up both his hands, “What? I have a whole world here to make go. You could do better?” I relaxed after that. I had found a rational way to support my belief in God. I had found a way to be angry at what happened to me without being angry at God. [source: Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing, © 2004 by Lorraine Ash, New Sage Press, ISBN # 0939165503, pp. 52-54.] The Power of God Why does God let painful things happen? Where is God in Tough Transitions? The Reverend Barbara Brown Taylor, Episcopal priest, gives this perspective: From the very beginning, God has shared power with us, giving us the power to name, to create, to choose, to act. We have done wonderful things with that privilege. We have also abused it. We tend to dilute that fact by believing our rebellions are more or less benign, like two-year-olds pounding their parents’ knees. God allows us the temporary illusion of power, we tell ourselves, but God is really in charge, and when things get bad enough God will come back into the room and set everything right. Only what if that is not how things work? What if God has settled for limited power in order to be in partnership with us and we really can mess things up? What if God lets us? This is a different world from the first one. In the first, everything that happens, happens by the will of an all-powerful God. In this one, God’s power is limited by our power to resist. What happens, happens in a world of clashing wills, so that even God is sometimes surprised. We prefer a God who prevents suffering, only that is not the God we got . . . God’s power is not the power to force human choices and end human pain. It is, instead, the power to pick up the shattered pieces and make something holy out of them – not from a distance but right close up. People who have suffered some of the worst atrocities ever experienced by human beings do find a new way to think about God and God’s relationship with human beings. The following words were found on a basement wall in Cologne, Germany, during the Holocaust (they have since been set to beautiful liturgical music by Michael Horvit): I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when feeling it not. I believe in God even when God is silent. Elie Wiesel, some fifty years after he survived a German concentration camp, wrote a “Letter to God” that illuminates new questions he came to ask about the presence of the Divine in the darkest of times: . . . At one point, I began wondering whether I was not unfair to you. After all, Auschwitz was not something that came down ready-made from heaven. It was conceived by men, implemented by men, staffed by men. And their aim was to destroy not only us but you as well. Ought we not to think of your pain, too? Watching your children suffer at the hands of your other children, haven’t you also suffered? . . . Just because people suffer, [Rabbi Marc] Gellman and [Father Tom] Hartman say, that doesn’t mean God has abandoned them. Rather, we are empowered to protect and help ourselves and others when disaster strikes. We also have the ability to use turmoil and even tragedy to find goodness in our lives – “be it in the form of natural beauty, good deeds done, or lessons learned from parents, friends, and elders. Goodness occurs every day, but you need to train your eyes to see it. What seems limiting can really be an opportunity to do good.” My friend . . . talked about her own beliefs before her son died. “We were taught that if we crossed all our t’s, dotted all i’s, kept our nose clean, did right thinking, stayed out of trouble, we would be okay. Good things would come to us. That was a lie. And when Thomas died I had such anger that this was a lie.” My friend went on to talk about how she had to find new, empowering things to believe that could include the senseless death of her beautiful son as well as a profound appreciation of the beauty and wonder of this mystery we call life. “I realized,” my friend told me, “that the principles I held before had been made out of smoke. I had to find new principles – or rather the Principle under all principles, since the other ones were an illusion.” I ventured to ask, “What is that Principle that you found?” “That there is only one Truth. As trite as it may sound. Love is all there is.” We sat in a sacred pause for several seconds. Then my friend added, “I’m no longer going for better and better. My goal is to live close to the fulcrum, in balance with the positive and negative, with hurt and joy. At this fulcrum much energy is there, peace, and transcendence. And while I cannot always stay at the center, I do manage most of the time to live in the shade of it.” [source: Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, © 2005 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044669455X, pp. 114-118.] On the inevitability of loss: Whenever I give a lecture or workshop on grief or coping with the death of a loved one, I usually begin with an insightful Chinese proverb well-known in the grief literature. “You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.” The proverb points out two extremely important concepts. The first: All relationships end in separation, divorce, disagreement, incarceration, or relocation, to name a few causes. And “the birds of sorrow” will fly over your head and reappear throughout life. Bad things happen to all of us; brokenness permeates life, which is unpredictable and at times unfair. As many therapists tell their clients, “the problem with fairness is that it doesn’t exist.” Nothing you can do can give you immunity to the loss of loved ones. There are no exemptions: Everyone dies and walks through the doorway of death. It follows that grief and suffering are forever part of the human condition. Nonetheless, although all physical relationships must come to an end, our emotional relationships do not . . . after death, a new relationship is born: one based on memory, legacies, gratitude, and the fact that love lives on. That’s where the second important concept from the proverb comes in, and also the significance of Extraordinary Encounters. We can prevent sadness from taking root in our lives if we open ourselves up to mystery. The love we share with the deceased remains with us forever and is expressed through the gift of the Extraordinary Encounter . . . The loved ones in our lives will always strengthen us and inspire our noble deeds. Suffering is built into the very nature of our existence, but Extraordinary Encounters help us work through our grief and keep love strong. [source: Lou LaGrand, in Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, © 2006 by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., Berkley Books, New York, ISBN # 0425211932, pp. 59-60.]

My dear Lorikelly and Shelley ~ Of course we will keep each of you in our prayers, and we will be thinking of both of you as you face the difficult days ahead. Please keep us posted on the results of your diagnostic tests, and know that we are holding you close in our hearts. You might also be interested in adding your petitions to this lovely prayer wall, which serves as a healing prayer circle for those in need: Prayer Wall for Those in Need

Oh Brenda, You are in our hearts and prayers already, the moment you found us and posted on this site. Please, when you have the time to do so and you are "in the mood," do spend some time reading through the messages posted in the various threads in this forum ~ you will find that here, you are surrounded by kindred spirits, animal lovers all, and you are not alone. In the beginning, those awful images of Kathy's last moments are foremost in your mind, because those memories are the freshest and most recent ones. That is normal and to be expected. I promise you that the day will come when you will take comfort in the knowledge that yours was the last face your precious Kathy gazed upon as her spirit left this earthly plane. Please visit the pages of my Grief Healing Web site while you're online, too, where you will find additional information, comfort, and support. And by all means, come back and tell us what was special about Kathy. (I absolutely love that name ~ one of my dearest friends in the whole world is named Kathy.) Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

A lovely tribute to your beloved uncle, Shelley ~ thank you for sharing it with us

My dear friend, I'm so glad you found the article helpful, and I thank you for letting me know. Of course you are most welcome to reprint any article I've written, and I thank you for asking. I would appreciate your specifically stating that you are reprinting the article with my permission, and at the end of it, please include my Web site address (www.griefhealing.com) in case the reader wishes to contact me for further information. You and others reading this may also find this article helpful ~ I posted it just today: Helping Another in Grief.

Dear Ones, I already knew our members would be wonderful subjects for any study on pet loss! I'm sure that your thoughtful feedback will help these and other researchers to refine their studies accordingly, and that is good news for all of us animal lovers. You are just the best

Victoria, dear, how lovely to hear from you again. Your message of hope and healing is a precious gift to all of us. Thank you.

Thank you for the feedback, Maylissa. Just to be sure that Christine Henry receives it in a timely fashion, I've alerted her via e-mail, along with a direct link to your post.

Dear Ones, This announcement comes to us from Christine Henry, a doctoral student at Purdue University. She is a fellow animal lover who is conducting a study to learn more about people's reactions to the death of their beloved animal companions. The death of a pet can be a significant experience for some people. What can make the loss particularly hard is others not understanding the loss. In fact, there is little research conducted in this area. As a result, Researchers at Purdue University are conducting a study to learn more about what pet owners go through when a pet dies. Have you experienced the death of a pet? If so we want to hear from you. Sharing YOUR experiences has the potential to benefit others. Completing this study will assist researchers and individuals in the helping professions (e.g., counselors) to better understand and serve people who have experienced the death of a pet. To participate just click on the link below which brings you to an online survey, this will take 10 minutes to complete. http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~cmhenry/ In addition to the survey there is also a list of links to resources providing information on pet loss on that website. If you prefer a paper and pencil copy you can email the researcher and she can mail one to you. Responses will only be seen by the principal investigator and all data will be managed and shared as summations with no individual ever identified. All information will be kept completely confidential and not shared with anyone. Only summary data will be reported. Let your voice be heard! Thanks for your time, Christine Henry, M.S., NCC Purdue University

Dear Ones, This announcement comes to us from Wendy Packman, JD, PhD, Associate Professor of Psychology at the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology. Although I don't know Dr. Packman, I do know and hold in the highest regard another of the researchers conducting this study. She is my colleague and friend, Betty Carmack, RN, EdD, who teaches nursing in San Francisco. Betty has worked in the area of the human/companion animal bond for two decades, and has written numerous articles and made radio and television appearances regarding pet loss. She received the San Francisco SPCA Humanitarian Award for "providing the extremely valuable service of monthly grief counseling for bereaved pet owners," and she is the author of Grieving the Death of a Pet. BEREAVEMENT STUDY THE CONTINUING IMPACT OF A PET’S DEATH Researchers from the Pacific Graduate School of Psychology and the University of San Francisco School of Nursing are conducting a study to learn about the impact of losing a pet. The investigators are Wendy Packman, JD, PhD, Nigel Field, PhD., and Betty Carmack, RN, Ed.D, CT. They are requesting participation from adults (18 years and older) who have lost a pet within the last year. It is expected that the information learned will assist in providing comprehensive care for these grieving. If you choose to participate, you will be asked to complete questionnaires about how you are adjusting and coping with the loss of your pet. Following completion of the questionnaires, a researcher will interview you at a time and place convenient to you. The questions are designed to help us better understand your experiences following the death of your pet, and to hear your suggestions for how care in this area can be improved. Your individual responses will be kept completely confidential. Participation in this study will take approximately 3 hours. If you are interested in participating in this study please call: (650) 843-3596

Good for you, Laura ~ we are very proud of you, and very grateful to you for sharing this update with all of us. Thank you!

My dear friend, We're all so very sorry about the death of your precious baby Daisy Mae. Your message tugs at my heart, because many years ago, Daisy was the name I gave my beloved Bouvier des Flanders. I used to call her Daisy Mae Bouvier, and she was one of the greatest loves of my life. She died in 1978, and I miss her still. You say you've noticed that your dog Jasmine is grieving the loss of her best friend, too. Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to each other as well. Since these two little ones shared their life with you in your home and your yard, they were probably inseparable -- sleeping together, playing together and following one another around most of the day. When death separated them, it's understandable that the animal left behind can become distressed. Although there are no scientific research reports in the literature about this, I can assure you that I've read, heard about and experienced myself many examples of animals reacting strongly to the death of their companions (human and animal) with symptoms of separation anxiety. It's also possible that Jasmine is sensing the distress of other humans in the household and is reacting to any changes in routine that accompanied this loss. When you think about it, how animals behave (with anxiety, restlessness, depression, crying and searching) is very similar to how we humans behave when we're grieving. Here are some suggestions that might help you to help Jasmine, if these behaviors are still evident: - Keep Jasmine's daily routine as unchanged as you can, so it remains as predictable, familiar and consistent as possible. - Provide comfort by leaving the radio or television on when leaving the house. - Stick to her normal feeding routine. Even though you may be tempted to offer special treats at such a sad time, you don't want to reward her refusal to eat regular meals. - If she seems to want it, give her extra attention, petting and affection, but try to do so when she is behaving in desirable ways (with toys, games and exercise). Again, you don't want to reinforce negative behavior, and you don't want to force yourself upon the dog. (Some animals who've always been friendly may behave in a hostile or aggressive way — another symptom of grief.) - It may help to let her see and smell Daisy's "things" (toys, collar, dish or bedding, etc.). Some people recommend actually sitting down and "explaining" to the surviving animal what happened to their companion. Your dog won't understand every word, but your gentle touch and the soothing tone of your voice will provide some comfort. You might also find this article helpful: Can You Explain A Pet's Death to Another Pet? I noticed in your message of April 8 that you've found an "in person" pet loss support group, and I'm so pleased to know that you're taking advantage of such a resource. I hope you will continue coming here as well, because support for pet loss can be very hard to find, but you need not worry about that here. You are with kindred spirits on this site, and we will not let you walk this difficult journey all alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, This message of hope and healing comes to us from Joyce Boaz, Director, Gift from Within. It is written by Dr. Beverly Anderson, one of the board members of that organization, who asks that it be shared with all of us: A Note of Healing to the Virginia Tech Community From Dr. Beverly Anderson Metropolitan Police Department Washington, DC As a trauma therapist, mother of four, and cancer survivor, I send my deepest sympathies. I believe that this event is life-changing for all involved. As much as parents and students may want to "put it away" and "get away from it," there will be a "new normal."....one that is yet to be created. Healing and recovery is not an "event" but a process and a journey. It takes time. For students, survivors, and their families an emotional roller coaster now prevails. The trauma is engrafted in their minds with more vividness and clarity than most of their happiest of times. The initial shock and horror gives way to emotional numbness followed by bouts of tears and disbelief. We doubt all of our assumptions that we held onto prior to the trauma. We cannot be the same person, but don't know who will be. We pray that it is all a bad dream....one that we will wake up from....only to find that, sadly, it is not. Whatever innocence we had before the trauma is gone in the wake of this horrible tragedy. Our faith in God is tested. Our world and our future is changed as the assumptions we held dear are shattered along with our sense of safety, security, and predictability. The world as we knew it is changed. The sense of predictability that brought order to our lives, is gone. This act was not an accident; it wasn't an act of nature....it was of human design born of an evil and twisted mind. As parents, we send our children off to college to provide a marvelous opportunity to grow and to learn in an atmosphere of safety. The most basic role of any parent is to keep our children safe. Now, even that has been ripped away and we will suffer yet another wound. Truly this is insult added to injury. What we can and must do is respect the enormity of what has happened. We cannot escape from it, we must honor its place in our "world view." We must talk about it and weave its meaning into the very tapestry of our lives. It's okay to cry. The tears that you cry are a respectful remembrance of those poor souls who lost their lives to this senseless tragedy. It's okay to be afraid. Parents cannot "fix it" or deny that it happened. We must face it. In the words of Maya Angelou, History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again. Reach out to your support system and talk about your feelings and fears. Healing is about talking and crying; it's about giving ourselves permission to grieve the victims and our loss of safety. Healing is a journey that begins with the decision by each of us that we will heal. Survival and healing is the very essence of who we are and who we will be. Our attitudes will create the climate for healing to take place. If we see ourselves as "victims" we will be victims. Emily Dickinson wrote: Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all. Decide that something positive will emerge out of this nightmare. Cultivate persistence and perseverance and trust that God will help you through these very dark moments. Human beings have survived horrendous moments throughout history, through wars and massacres from the Holocaust through the Terrorist Attacks of September 11th. To survive is to triumph over evil. Let me leave you with the words of A. Powell Davies, a Unitarian minister: There is a light within each of us that need never entirely go out. We can lose the battles, but not the war. We can go on when our minds tell us that there is no point in going on- because something deep inside tells us we can go on. And we do. Beverly Gift From Within- PTSD Resources for Survivors and Health Professionals l6 Cobb Hill Road Camden, ME 04843 USA 207 236-8858 ph 207 236-2818 fax

Dearest Susan, Mom to the Divine Miss M, the magical mystical Maggie ~ We are so very sorry for your loss, but you have come to the right place. Here you can share that indescribable pain you are suffering now, and rest assured that you are not alone. We want to know all about the magic of Maggie, and when you are ready to tell us, we will be here to listen. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

My dear Shelley, Like so many members of our GH family, you have been on the difficult, lonely journey of grief for a long time, and in your process of mourning and healing, you now find yourself in that place in between. It’s a place that no longer feels familiar, because everything has changed: your hopes, dreams, lifestyle, home, family, friends – the very life you once knew is gone. Nothing feels familiar; nothing is the same; nothing feels the way you once knew it and intended it to be. At this point in your grief journey, you feel like a stranger living in the twilight zone: sometimes angry, at other times scared, occasionally disoriented, often confused. You are in between what used to be (an ending) and what is yet to come (a new beginning). It is what authors William Bridges, Elizabeth Harper Neeld and others call the place of transition, the place between an ending and a beginning, between letting go of the way things used to be and taking hold again of the way they will become, between being lost and finding ~ a place where things aren’t the old way, but they’re not yet the new way, either. Transition is the way we come to terms with loss and change. It is the place of healing through grief, of learning to integrate the completely unacceptable idea that your world has changed forever and the burning hope that it will begin again. It is having faith that although your world will never, ever be the same, you will begin again. Loss is a normal part of living in this world, and so is finding a way to go on. As psychologist Jo Christner writes in The Healing Power of Grief, As you go through these stages of transition, you will begin to find light and to heal. It is normal to have loss. It is normal to grieve. It is normal to begin again. That is the way of life. What can you do to help yourself through the process of transition and healing? Dr. Christner offers these suggestions: 1. If your grief is complicated, seek professional help from a licensed therapist. 2. Read books that will educate, support, bring comfort and inspire. [see the books I’ve listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions. Two on this particular topic that I recommend most highly: The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments, by William Bridges Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld ] 3. Have a transitional object: something that belonged to your loved one (e.g., ring, shirt, socks, picture, key chain, coin) that will bring you comfort during a time when nothing seems to bring comfort. Carry it with you and touch it when you need to remember your beloved. 4. Talk to yourself in a way that serves to perpetuate healing. The way you talk to yourself can make a difference. If you can, keep your thoughts in the present moment. Read inspirational thoughts that give you support and comfort. [see, for example, Comfort for Grieving Hearts.] It’s too easy to feel hopeless and predict the worst by going into the future. It’s not here yet ... and you will change. Determining what the future holds will only reflect the pain that you feel now. 5. Having the belief that you can survive this loss and heal will help to bring hope, courage, and something to hold on to. Some people find that their religion and faith give them support. Seek beliefs that support your healing and recovery. 6. Grieving is an individual journey. Making comparisons or judging yourself against others will not assist you in your healing. Trust that, with the support of others, you will heal ... in your own unique way, in your own unique time. 7. Do seek support through friends, family, and support groups. Being in a support group with others who are on a similar journey can give comfort and reassurance during this difficult time. 8. Give yourself the time that you need to grieve and to heal. Sometimes you need to visit the grief. Sometimes you need to visit the distractions and resources in your life. Allow room for both. It’s the ‘space-in-between’ where the healing begins. I want to remind you that grieving, transition, and healing are a process, not an event. It will take as long as it takes for you to travel this journey. You won’t do it ‘wrong.’ You will do it the way that you need to heal. Statistically, it is believed that normal, healthy, uncomplicated grieving takes about two years. For some individuals, it will be shorter and for others, longer [emphasis mine]. Trust YOUR progress and your journey. Trust that you, too, will heal. Trust that you will find life and light again . . . [source: The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey through Loss to Life and Laughter, by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., LMFT, pp. 86-90]

Hi Shelley, I’m sorry you didn’t find the support you needed from your place of worship. Unfortunately you are not alone in that regard. I'm reminded of the following article by Doug Manning that appeared in Grief Digest Magazine: Why Don’t They Know What to Say?by Doug Manning At the end of a seminar, a couple whose son had been killed in a recent car wreck said, “”Why is it our friends don’t know what to say to us? And, even more upsetting, why doesn’t our church know? Our pastor came when our son died, and all he knew how to say was that he was not a grief counselor and did not know what to say. Then he began talking about children who were born crippled or with other problems as if our knowing that was going to make us feel better. Why don’t they know?” There was a time when I made excuses for people not knowing, and particularly for churches and pastors not knowing. Seminaries do not teach this to the clergy so they are not educated in this area. I no longer make excuses for them. With all of the books, articles, videos and seminars available in the world, ignorance on the part of the church or the clergy is no longer defensible. They should know what to say. As a matter of fact, I think they must know what to say. On a trip last summer, my wife and I visited several old friends and some family members. In the course of the trip, it dawned on us that we do not have very many friends who still go to church. Each family we visited was once active in church and now never bothers at all., As we thought this through and listened to their stories, a pattern developed. Every one of them had gone through some great upheaval and trauma in their lives, and the church did not know what to say or do. In time, the church became irrelevant to them and they dropped out. One man said, “When my son died, I was an elder in my church. You should hear the stuff they said to me at that time. I haven’t been back since.” I was speaking in a church a few months ago and a man pulled me aside to say, “My son was murdered four years ago. When that happened, I became the invisible man in this church. No one wants to talk to me. They run from me like I am a leper.” At a Compassionate Friends conference, a couple told me their child died in a church van on the way to summer camp. The wife said, “No one from our church has been in our home or spoken about our daughter since the funeral.” All of these experiences break my heart. When I started my new life’s work, I assumed the church would be my best source for seminars and book sales. I discovered quite quickly that if I depended on the church, I would starve. I had to go to a secular market to survive. I did go to a secular market, and I did survive, but it has always been my dream that one day the church would discover this area of need and respond. The church is in my mind and heart every time I write a book or produce a video. I always think of ways they could be used within the church. The last few years, we have sensed a change and a breakthrough in many churches. Many churches now use our “Special Care Series” to walk with their families through the first year of grief. I am speaking to an increasing number of clergy groups and finding there is great interest. I am more encouraged now than ever that the church will learn how to meet this need and begin to teach their people what to say and how to help. There are still some barriers to be broken. Some churches seem to thing that to grieve is to deny faith. The seem to think if we really believe in Heaven, then we should rejoice when someone goes there. They seem to struggle with having great faith and still having great pain. This will take time to overcome, but it is coming. Other groups seem to think just quoting scripture makes the pain go away. I love the Bible, and I find great help and comfort in the teachings there, but I also hear people say that in the depths of their grief, the scriptures that folks quoted were a turn-off to them. The Bible was not at fault; it was the choices of text. The text that sounds wonderful to people who have never been in grief, can sound trivializing to someone who is suffering a loss. The church will ultimately be the key to helping people with their grieving. They alone have the organization and position to give help on a wide enough scale to reach the people who need to be reached. But if you are reading this article in the middle of your pain and you are faced with having a church who does not know what to say, what can you do now? May I suggest a few things? • Hang in there. The death of a loved one almost always creates the need to rethink and restructure our faith. Before the loss, we somewhat blithely believed our faith would sustain us as we sailed through rough waters. No one told us the pain and grief might fill us with doubt, fear and even wondering whether or not God is real. One person put it in great terms. She said,”When my son died, I lost all of the magic in my religion. I have rebuilt my faith, and I like where I am, but my new faith doesn’t have any magic in it.” • Having a faith does not mean you won’t go through doubt and fear. Having a faith does not mean you won’t get angry at God and at God’s people. My hope is that sooner or later, you will find comfort and strength and a sense of presence. You may not know how you know, but someone will just seem to be there. • Feel free to find help wherever it is. You need safe people and safe places. I wish that help were at your church, but if it isn’t, then find it wherever it is and don’t feel any guilt about doing so. • Make your own choice about church attendance. Sometimes people find it too difficult or maddening to attend. In those case, a break may be in order. You need to be in safe places and with safe people. If the church can be that, wonderful. If it cannot be that, then you may need to stay away for a time. If your faith has meaning to you, you will come back in time. • Maybe the couple whose story started this article have the right idea. The wife said, “I shall spend the rest of my life trying to get churches to see this need and move to meet it. Doing that will give at least a little bit of significance to my son’s death.” Maybe if enough of us did that, they could learn what to say and how to be safe people and safe places. That is my dream. [Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 866-218-0101] Since you were active as an officer for so many years, Shelley, you already know that church can be a wonderful place not only to worship but also to be in community with others. If you cannot bring yourself to return to this particular church, rather than not going at all, you might try attending a different church with a different minister and congregation. Or you might consider talking to your current minister about your own grief experience, which could lead to a broader understanding of bereavement on his part. Think of it this way: What your minister learns from you could help him become a better helper to others in mourning.

The following article comes to us from Tony Falzano, an award winning songwriter who writes, "Please use the article on your site. Though I would like to call people's attention to [my] CD, as I believe the music will bring comfort, I'm also hoping people will learn about the wonderful things music can do besides entertain." Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieveby Tony Falzano There’s an old saying that time will heal all wounds. For those suffering the loss of a loved one, pet or even a relationship like a divorce, time will eventually ease the grief. This will also allow life to be bearable and even enjoyable again. Time is a major component in the healing process. But what does a person do with the pain and emptiness in the weeks and months immediately after losing someone? How does an individual cope with today? Therapists, clergy and medical professionals believe one of the best things you can do while going through the healing process is to have contact with loving, supportive people who will keep you active and provide company. When my family and I lost my mother several years ago, followed by my father and most recently my wife’s step-father, people were very generous with their time and concern to comfort us. At the time of each loss, family and friends would call to “check in” and see if we were all right or if we needed anything. Some stopped over to visit and brought their dinners and their hugs. They reminded us that we were not alone and provided companionship at times of challenge and change. My family and I were lucky; we had each other and a stable of supportive friends and family. However, sometimes the bereaved may not have many friends. Family members may live far away. And there are times when the grieving individual either wants to, or has to, be alone. This is a perfect time for music to be a companion. Similar to a friend who visits, music provides company the moment it is heard. It will stay with you for as long as you wish. While it plays, you can do what you want. You can talk to it, cry with it and even shout at it if it makes you feel better. I’m not suggesting music take the place of human interaction, but it can be a beneficial alternative. In many ways it can do everything a companion can do except bring you a glass of water. Though sometimes overlooked, music can be a powerful ingredient to everyday good health. It can do more than entertain and help sell products and services. Research has concluded that certain music can slow down the brain waves allowing for numerous benefits to occur. Medical studies have shown that music can reduce anxiety and muscle tension. It boosts the immune system and will regulate the individual’s heartbeat and pulse as well as the nervous, digestive and respiratory systems. Music is also known to reduce stress and ease depression. These are symptoms that can accompany grief. Getting these issues in order can alleviate further physical harm. People living alone often use the television and radio to keep them company. But in these life changing situations where wounds need to heal, television might be too “busy”. Pictures and sounds come at you at a rapid-fire rate. Radio is more subtle, but commercials interrupt the music often with someone shouting to draw your attention to their product or business. Furthermore, you don’t always hear the music that does the most good. Music specifically designed to relieve tension and bring stability to the mind and body is the most beneficial. Soft, soothing music is conducive for an atmosphere that will foster healing. I am one of those composers who create music to make people feel calm, centered and relaxed. My approach is to compose instrumental “story music” where the compositions and the instruments of the orchestra bring to life the melodious and often spiritual narratives that provide clues to the meaning of the song’s title. It is a different approach to composing music that gives an uplifting result to the listener. My music, along with that of other committed and talented artists, is designed to help restore good health. Music can be of benefit when we face the responsibility of going through the belongings of a loved one who has passed on. This can be a very difficult time as you decide what you should do with the remaining possessions and special objects that were the passion and soul of that person. I remember procrastinating for months about going through the last of my parent’s belongings. Then one day, on the spur of the moment when my own family was not at home, I decided it was time. I put on calm, soothing music to play in the background. I went through boxes of old photographs, letters and other memorabilia. I held in my hands objects that were not only my mother’s and father’s but what symbolized earlier periods of my own life. I was reminded that my parents along with my youth would not return. As many of you have experienced, and would agree, these were not moments I shelved in my library under “happy memories.” But on that day when I was physically alone, I wasn’t all alone; I connected with the music. It filled the silence that would have been present if it were not filling the room with beautiful sounds. The music was like a friend who was working quietly on the other side of the room helping me with the difficult task at hand. There are other ways to extract the healing benefits of music that will keep you company and your mind active when you are alone. One way is to place a quiet and relaxing piece of music at a volume that is not too loud and get comfortable in your favorite chair. Slide to the side the things weighing on your mind. Start by deep breathing. Slowly breathe air in through your nostrils and hold for a count of 5. Shape your mouth as if you were drinking from a straw and slowly exhale. With each exhale, think of the tension leaving your body. Repeat this several times and I can guarantee you will feel more relaxed. When you’re ready, start listening to the music; I mean, really listen to the music. Soak yourself in the musical emotions being played. Listen to the melody as it rises and falls. Sing or hum along with the song. Identify the instrument(s) that are playing. Better still, picture yourself playing one of those instruments. It could be a bell, flute or whatever you choose. This will stimulate your mind as you focus on when you join in or drop off from playing with the other instruments. Also, imagine you’re part of the group performing this piece in front of others. Music can help you escape. And if you center your attention on the music, you’ll temporarily get away from the things troubling your mind. Use your imagination as you listen to the music. Let your mind wander to other places. Envision sitting on a shore looking at the ocean or walking a path through a forest. See, hear and feel the beauty in these quiet locations. Some people recall meaningful moments with their loved one in the presence of music. They watch a movie in their minds. One person used music as the catalyst for his movie. When the music sounded sad, he saw the sad times with the individual who passed on. When the music was brighter, this person viewed the happier times. He followed the emotional elements and dynamics of the music to help him work through the pain and grief. Music can also inspire you to overcome an obstacle or accomplish a goal. Identify a song that you find inspirational. When the music reaches the motivating part in that piece, recite your goal out loud. You can repeat it several times. As you do, hear the words you are saying and believe they will come true. For those going through the healing process after a loss, you may want to recite the words that hospice nurse Deborah Sigrist encourages her patients to repeat; “It’s normal for me to be abnormal for a while, but I won’t be like this forever.” This statement allows you to accept yourself now while you look forward to the future. Re-enforcing your intention with music can be the first step to find the courage you need to succeed. Emotions will rise when you listen to music. What usually follows is crying, even sobbing. This is okay and it should be welcomed. It’s therapeutic to cry. It’s one of the best things we can do. We release hormones, stress and toxins when we release tears. That is why many of us feel better after “a good cry.” We let go of pain which helps us return to a calm state. Music augments these moments. There is something about it that heightens the emotion in what we are experiencing. You may even fall asleep listening to music. This is a testimony of how soft and soothing music can be so powerful. It alters your mood and brings you to a level of relaxation and peace. If you are grieving a loss or know someone who is, I hope you will remember the power of music. It is truly a wonderful friend that can help you feel and heal, better. Music is non-judgmental and never asks too much of you. Music states the obvious where words are difficult to speak. You don’t have to entertain it, and its feelings aren’t hurt when you tune it out or shut it off. Music is available anytime to act as a reliable companion. And this friend is only your CD collection away. What should you keep in mind when picking out appropriate music to help you heal? Each individual is different, so the “right” music will ultimately be your choice. Some find CDs containing one instrument to be therapeutic. Solo harp or piano music is very popular. Some people enjoy hearing two instruments played together, such as piano and flute. Others prefer music played by a full orchestra. Here are a few suggestions to guide you: •Many people choose instrumental music. It is simpler to listen to in these situations. Non-lyrical pieces leave more to the individual’s imagination. You may find it easier listening to just music rather than listening to songs where there is singing. •Music that is slower and between 60-80 beats per minute is the best choice when using it to calm and heal. The average person’s heart rate is between 70-90 beats per minute. Music billed as ambient, spiritual or celestial will usually be at “heart-level” or below. The slower, more relaxed the music, the more effective it will be to help you heal. •Consider purchasing music that you are unfamiliar with. It will not connect you to the time spent with your loved one. This music will be like getting to know a new friend. Years from now, you’ll remember it as the CD that helped you through this difficult time. •Music using a minimal amount of rhythm and percussion can be beneficial. You want something that is “beat less” and feels smooth, which will be soothing. Read the notes on the CD to see if its contents interest you. [Tony Falzano is an award winning songwriter who has released his new CD, In Abba’s Arms. It contains 12 original instrumentals designed to be an "inspirational companion" that brings comfort to the bereaved in need of healing and hope. The CD is also used by many to enhance quiet contemplation. Tony can be reached at tonyfalzano@aol.com.] (Make sure that you also pay a visit to the Web page that includes many beautiful songs selected and recommended by our own Discussion Groups members: Grief Songs)

My dear Jane, I'm so very sorry to learn of this tragic, senseless event that took the life of your beloved granddog Bailey, and I cannot imagine the pain this has caused your son and his girlfriend. As awful as it is for parents to experience the pain of loss, I don't think it can compare to the pain we feel when one of our children is in pain. In addition, with Bailey's death, you have lost yet another treasured connecting link to your beloved husband. So for you, this is a double loss. Please know that you are not alone; we're all thinking of you and your children today. I hope you will find this article helpful: Pet Loss: Helping a Friend Who's Hurting

Shelley, dear ~ Have you thought of writing your dad a letter, telling him now everything you wish you would have said to him then? It's never too late to do that, you know . . .

We're so sorry to learn of the death of your father-in-law, my friend. Please accept our heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I hope you will find this article helpful: Understanding Different Grieving Patterns in Your Family