MartyT

Dear Friend, Helping another in grief is a topic that we’ve addressed here before; although the circumstances are a bit different, you may find this earlier post (and the resources suggested) helpful. See How Can I Help? When Someone You Love Loses Someone See also the articles and resources listed on this page on my Grief Healing Web site: Helping Someone Who’s Grieving I agree with Shell and Karen that you are doing your level best to “be there” in a kind and caring way for your friend. At the same time, I think what's important here is not that you assume the role of grief counselor for this man, but rather that you educate yourself about what is normal in grief and make yourself aware of what bereavement resources are available, so you're armed with that information if and when your friend is willing to consider it. Whether your friend decides to take advantage of those resources is really up to him, but certainly if grief issues keep coming up in your interactions with this man, you can go so far as to help him find out what and where they are. Just knowing what normal grief looks like, knowing what to expect and knowing how to manage the typical reactions to it can be very, very helpful for you. Then, if and when the timing seems right, you can gently offer to share with your friend some of the resources you yourself have discovered and explored (so you'll know why you're recommending them.) You might also print out some of the articles that you find and send them to your friend to read, along with a gentle comment such as, "I found this interesting article that shed some light on something I've been wondering about – I thought perhaps you'd be interested in it, too. Maybe we can talk about it together, after you've had a chance to read it." Be aware, however, that this man may not be open to or ready for your offers to help -- especially if he doesn’t see that there is a problem here that requires your intervention in the first place. I don't know if this offers you much help, my dear. As I said, I don't think you can "fix this" for this man, but you certainly can learn more about grief and loss yourself, so at least you can understand better what may be going on with him. You'll also be in a better position to encourage him to seek the help that is available to him, should he ever feel a need for it. I know it's difficult when you want to do something to make things better for someone you really care about, and you're not certain if he wants or even needs your help. Unfortunately, even as a counselor I cannot force my help or unsolicited advice onto a person who does not seek it directly -- all I would get in return is resistance. We simply cannot "make" someone else do what we think is best, regardless of how "right" we may think we are. Whatever you do, please know that we are thinking of you, and wishing you all the best.

This just in, from our good friend and dear colleague Peggy Haymes: Celebrate the connections between people and pets with this touching new video, The Blessing of the Animals. About Peggy Haymes: Animal lover, author, and minister Peggy Haymes practices counseling in Winston-Salem, N.C. She has helped people from all over the world heal from the losses in their lives. Together with her partner Susan Lautemann, MBA, MAEd, LPC, she established PetCaring in 2005 to help animal lovers around the world heal from the loss of a pet. Peggy and Susan have over 30 years' experience in helping people as they move through the journey of grief and healing, and a lifetime of caring for and loving the pets in their own lives. Peggy can be contacted at Peggy@petcaring.com You can check out her informative and timely "Pets and Other Friends" blog atwww.petcaring.blogspot.com. See also this "Love Poem from a Dog," by James Jacobson: Do You Remember Love?

Traci, dear ~ Shell is absolutely right, but if you need more assurance that you are doing what is best for yourself right now, you may find this article especially relevant and helpful: The Art and Science of Caring for Others without Forgetting Self Care, by Charles R. Figley

Shell, it's so good to see you here, and to hear your lovely voice once again. You have been sorely missed by all of us. Welcome home.

Dear Ones, I've learned via Private Message from our dear and precious Shell that her mother died last Thursday, and with Shell's permission, I am sharing that sad news with all of you now. In Shell's own words, "I don't mind if you share my news with the rest of the 'family.' I just can't quite bring myself to write anything about it right now, so you telling them would actually be a help to me. Thank you. I definitely will be back sometime. The board had been such a blessing to me . . ." I've assured Shell that she has many, many people here who care deeply for her and stand ready to embrace her with our love, just as she has always been here for us. I know she will come back to us whenever she feels ready to do so, and in the meantime, I hope you will join with me in conveying our deepest sympathy to her and those she loves.

My dear Kay, it goes without saying, but I will add my voice to Walt's and say it anyway: You are always in our hearts and in our prayers, but most especially as you enter this very difficult week. We are right here with you . . .

In her wonderful monthly newsletter which I received just this morning, internationally recognized author and grief consultant Elizabeth Harper Neeld writes, We’ve just posted one of the sweetest photos I think I have ever seen in my life. A friend sent this photo to me perhaps a year ago—I have no idea where he found the picture—and I’ve not had an occasion to share it with you until now. The photo and the piece I wrote about seeing the novelist, Cormac McCarthy, interviewed by Oprah this past week will be on the website throughout the summer. Do check out both of these. In light of our present discussion about grief, atheism, religion, and spirituality, I found Elizabeth's article to be quite interesting and thought-provoking. You will find it here: Prayer Talk in the Afternoon

Dear Ones, When we are coping with a traumatic loss, such as the death of a loved one, we are forced to begin the difficult process of adapting to what is happening to us. Part of that process is trying to make some sense of it. We search for meaning. Whatever faith we had may be shaken to the core, as the very values and beliefs we’ve held onto all our lives suddenly are brought into question. Whether sudden or expected, the death of someone loved is an unwelcome and extremely painful interruption of our relationship with our beloved ~ and for most of us (in our culture at least), it not only hurts, it just feels wrong. Intellectually we may know that death is a part of life, and sooner or later it will happen to all of us, but in our hearts and souls we grieve. Sometimes we’re angry that this has happened to us, and we need someone ~ anyone ~ to blame for the injustice of it all. Sometimes the one we want to blame is God, or our higher power, or fate or the universe, or whomever else we think we can hold accountable. In an earlier post it was stated that Religions were created to fill voids in the minds of people, (and of course used to gain power and control). Well, yes and no. A lot of research has been done around this matter of religion and the part it plays in grief, and I think it’s important to note that for some, religion can offer an effective way of coping with loss. For example, in a new book I’ve just finished reviewing (Handbook of Thanatology: The Essential Body of Knowledge for the Study of Death, Dying, and Bereavement, David Balk, Editor-in-Chief, © 2007, Association for Death Education and Counseling) Robert G. Stevenson writes about a hospital chaplain named Mwalimu Imara. (Imara was the chaplain who worked in Chicago alongside Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the famous psychiatrist who wrote the ground-breaking book On Death and Dying). In his work with dying patients and their families, Chaplain Imara noticed a significant difference in those who believed in and practiced what he called authentic religion. People with authentic religion, he observed, used their religion to form their sense of who they were. They used their faith to set and follow their life priorities, to make choices and face the consequences of those choices, and to make sense out of life and death. They found a way to answer those basic questions about life and death – and as a group, they were less anxious and less fearful of death. These individuals were better able to cope with loss and to move through the grief process more effectively. This matter of religion and spirituality is such an important topic, and I applaud you all for bringing it up, exploring it, and discussing it with one another here. I hope you will continue to do so. I also think you may find this article helpful: Spiritual Reactions to Loss

My dear friends, you are all taking such good care of one another that I dare not interrupt your process ~ I just need to tell Maylissa that I am so grateful to you for being here, in such an authentic, open, generous, and caring way for those who've just begun this long and painful journey. I know you paid a very heavy admission price ~ the ultimate price ~ to be here among us, but I still celebrate the fact that you are and continue to be such an important part of us. You were so broken and have worked so hard and have grown so much from your experiences, and it shows! I treasure your presence here, and I sincerely hope you know how precious you are to all of us. Okay . . . now you can all continue as you are, being there for each other ~ and please forgive me for interrupting. I simply couldn't help myself.

My dear Rita, Reading your beautiful tribute to your beloved Twix has left me in tears. No wonder your heart hurts. We are so very sorry for your loss. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you close . . .

Marty, I've been trying to post since earlier this afternoon but can not find any instructions on how to do it. Would you be kind enough to see that this gets posted? I would be so appreciative. Thank you. Flash died this morning. Today is Sunday, June 3rd, 2007 Flash is our 12 pound silver Tabby cat. I bought him and his sister Snuggles from the Cat Protection Society in Long Beach over 19 years ago. He was 92 years old in cat years. This day was to be a day of celebration. I projected that today would be the day when I reached 50,000 unique feedback on eBay. At this moment I'm at 49994 so I know it will happen. But I wish I could stop it from coming. There's no room in my heart for any joy. I'm having a very hard time. I haven't stopped crying since I saw him on his pillow on our bed this morning a little after 9am It's now after 5pm. I glanced at him on my way to the bathroom from my home office and saw that his mouth was open. I knew immediately. Cats don't keep their mouths open. I knew he was gone. I stroked him. He was warm but there was no response. I patted him. No response. I lifted his hind legs and let them fall. No response. I cried out "Oh no!" That woke Ogie up. She said "What?" I said Flash is gone. I kept going into the bedroom from my office to pet him one last time, for many, many times. I couldn't help the crying. It never stopped. It was several hours before I could bring myself to wrap him up in a towel and put him in a cardboard box so we could put him in the refrigerator in the garage to wait for his casket to be ordered and shipped. I cried all the way down the stairs and couldn't stop when I finally closed the refrigerator door. Earlier I'd called around to find a pet cemetery. There was only one, in Huntington Beach. It will cost about $1,000 to have him buried there. I decided to bury him in my back yard. I can't stand the thought of him being way down in Huntington Beach and Ogie and me here in Orange. I want to keep him closer than that. I have the spot picked out. I'm almost 70 and it's been quite a while since I've tried to sink a shovel into the hard pan clay in the backyard but I'll manage it. My heart is breaking. I can hardly type this through the tears. I loved that cat. God, how I loved that cat. Jim

Dear, sweet Walt ~ I am so grateful that you have been and continue to be such an important part of the very special group of people on this site. Together we are so much stronger than each of us would be alone. What would we do without you? I hope you know how dearly you are loved.

I don't mean to intrude on your exchange ~ but I just had to acknowledge what wise and wonderful women you two are. I am in awe of you both.

My dear CHF, Like everyone else here, I am so very sorry to learn of the tragic, sudden, and totally unexpected accident that took the life of your precious mother last week. Having already lost the father you never knew, I can only imagine how bewildered and alone you must feel. Since you are only 25, this loss must be even more traumatic and unjust for you: We simply don’t expect to lose our mothers when we are still so young ourselves! I agree completely with Lori’s assessment that a loss such as this is an absolutely overwhelming shock to your system. I’m reminded of a passage in the book by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving, where they speak of the fearsome power of grief: The time after a significant loss is full of feelings that we usually have spent a lifetime trying not to feel. Sadness, anger, and emotional pain sit on our doorstep with a deeper range than we have ever felt. Their intensity is beyond our normal range of human emotions. Our defenses are no match for the power of the loss. We stand alone with no precedent or emotional repertoire for this kind of loss. We have never lost a mother, father, spouse, or child before. To know these feelings and to meet them for the first time brings up responses from draining to terrifying and everything in between. I don’t know what, if any, support you have available to you right now, my dear, but I think it is essential that you have someone you can talk to about all of this. I understand that you’re not very close to your step-father (and I imagine he’s got his own reactions to deal with right now) – is there anyone else you know well who can be there for you right now? A trusted relative, friend, neighbor, co-worker, clergy person, perhaps? You need someone who can act as a sounding board, someone who will listen to your story and help you sort through all your feelings and reactions to this horrible tragedy, as they come up for you. If you cannot think of anyone, call your telephone operator or public library and ask for the numbers for your local mental health association or your local suicide prevention center. Either agency will have good grief referral lists. You need not be suicidal to get a grief referral from a suicide prevention center. You can also use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office to get a local grief referral. Many hospitals and hospices offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost. (The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization maintains a database of hospices for each state in the United States. To search for a hospice in your own community, click on Search. It may be very difficult for you to concentrate right now, so making the effort to find the resources that are available to you may be better left to a friend or relative who is willing to do that for you. You said that almost 500 people showed up to pay their respects to your mother and your family ~ that tells me that a lot of people knew and loved your mother and you. Did any of them come up to you and say, “If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask”? Helping you to find available grief support resources may be a good assignment for them! I also think it’s very helpful for you to learn all you can about what is normal in grief, so you’ll feel less “crazy” and more hopeful that you’ll be able to manage your own reactions in the weeks and months ahead. This site is a rich and wonderful source of information, because the good people here are traveling the very same journey that you are on right now ~ most especially for you the members who have posted in this Loss of a Parent forum. As you read their stories, you will recognize yourself and what you are feeling, over and over again. You’ll also find posts that will direct you to additional sources of helpful information. See, for example, my post under the topic, I Feel Like I’m Losing My Mind, http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=13393. Make sure you visit my Grief Healing Web site, which will connect you to a vast array of articles, books, inspirational readings and poetry, and links to dozens upon dozens of other resources. Make sure you take a look at the links listed on my Traumatic Loss page, in particular the articles I've listed there about sudden, accidental death. At the very least, know that whatever you are feeling right now is normal under the circumstances! There is no right or wrong way to “do” grief ~ there is only your way, and you will discover that for yourself, as you proceed on your own path. The most important thing is this: Do not try to “do” it all alone! Help is available for you all along the way, and you've made a very important first step simply by finding your way here. (Frankly, I don't think you could have found a better place to start )

Grief is a Journey. There is plenty to discover along the way. Grief Gone Wild A wilderness experience for grieving teens. For the second year, Hospice of the Valley and the City of Phoenix are co-hosting Grief Gone Wild, a five-day river rafting trip designed to help teens move toward peace and acceptance by sharing with others like them and engaging in special activities. The expedition takes place from June 28 to July 3 along the exhilerating San Juan River in Utah. Hospice of the Valley provides the funding, made possible through generous donations from the CIGNA HealthCare of Arizona Pro-Am Golf Tournament, staged by the Southwest Section of PGA America, and by donors who attended the agency's spring fundraiser AAHA! An Auction of Heirlooms and Art. Dates: June 28 - July 3, 2007 Costs: Teen portion $75 HOV bereavement counselors and certified river rafting experts will guide the group. For more information about Grief Gone Wild, call 602.530.6987 or 602.530.6970. [Read a detailed account of last summer's Grief Gone Wild river rafting trip in The Latest News, at Grief Gone Wild Helps Troubled Teens.]

Dear One, we are so very sorry for your loss. A wise veterinarian once said that when we make this agonizing decision to end the suffering of our beloved companions, we are choosing to take our animal's pain and make it our own. We know that you are the one who is suffering now, with the grief of your loss ~ but you are not alone. We are here for you, and you have our deepest sympathy . . .

Terri, dear ~ Isn’t it interesting that, if we fall and break a bone, we wouldn’t think we were “weak” or “crazy” or “falling apart” if we didn’t know how to fix it by ourselves – yet when we suffer a heartbreaking loss such as the death of a dearly loved one, we chastise ourselves for not knowing how to repair our own broken hearts? As Shell and Annie and Steven have already said, what you’re experiencing is normal, especially at this point in your own grief journey. Your grandmother died barely a month ago, and as that initial shock and numbness starts to wear off, the full force of your grief starts hitting you in the face, as the reality and the enormity of what you’ve lost begins to sink in. At the same time, you’ve been told that, ready or not, you must return to work, where you’re expected to put your personal problems and feelings aside, put on a happy face, and do the job you’re being paid to do. Such expectations may be unrealistic – especially if you have little experience with grief and no other place to take your sorrow and pain. It helps so much to know what normal grief looks like and feels like, Terri, because then you know what to expect in the weeks and months ahead. Then you can plan for your own reactions and learn some practical ways to manage them – which in turn leaves you feeling less “crazy” and much more in control. If you haven't already done so, I hope you’ll pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site. Once there, take the time to visit each of the pages listed at the bottom of the Home Page, most especially the Articles and Books page,and the Site Map ~ Links page. When you get to that page, under the Links column on the right, scroll down to the category labeled DEATH OF A PARENT and follow some of those links. See also ARTICLES BY MARTY and click on any one of those titles to learn more about the grieving process. Such information assures you that what you are experiencing is normal (even predictable) and gives you hope that, if others can survive such pain, you will find a way to survive it, too. I’ve also written an on-line e-mail course on grief; you can read more about it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. I hope you’ll also take some time to read through some of the helpful and informative posts on this site. See, for example, Can Anyone Help Me Understand Book List Links List Like everyone else out there who is reading this, I am so gratified to know that some way, somehow you have found your way to this warm, caring and supportive place, because I know that here you will find some of the comfort, compassion and companionship you so desperately need and deserve right now. None of us can take away your pain at this sad and difficult time in your life, Terri – but we can assure you that you need not endure it all by yourself.

Annie, dear ~ I'm so glad to know that you found that piece helpful. So often the progress in our personal grief journeys is so gradual and so subtle that, unless we stop and take stock of it, we may not even notice that we are moving forward at all. It's so important to recognize signs of our own healing, and to give ourselves credit for the hard work we've been doing. Would you be willing to share with us some of the signs you've recognized in yourself, so that others will know what we're talking about?

Oh Maylissa, I was holding my breath as I read your story, hoping against hope that it would end the way it did. I am SO PROUD of you I can barely stand it. Your story reminds me so much of something that happened to me shortly after my beloved Muffin died. I don't have time right now to tell the story, but suffice it to say that I was faced with very similar circumstances when a darling little dog simply and mysteriously appeared in our backyard one day. I was deep in the middle of mourning my loss of Muffin, and was in absolutely no position (or mood) to be taking on another dog, no matter how adorable he was. My situation did not resolve as quickly as yours did, but eventually we found another home for the dog and the story ended well for all concerned. Like you, Maylissa, I listened to my heart, was true to my own feelings and instincts, and managed to let him go. I knew that I had a lot of grief work to do, and I was in no condition to open my heart to another dog at that point in my process. Oh Maylissa, hooray for YOU

My dear Maylissa, you are such a passionate advocate for all our precious animal companions, and once again, I thank you for bringing another important topic into the spotlight. In case you (and others reading this) have not seen it, below is some relevant information that appears on the Announcements page of my Grief Healing Web site: Treating a Pet Like a Family Member - Right to the Very End [from Last Acts Partnership E-Newsletter, June 2004] It is far from uncommon for people to consider their pets beloved members of their families. And when these pets fall severely ill, owners want them to have the best care they can find during their final days. In that spirit, Colorado State University has started the nation's first student-run pet hospice care program in Fort Collins, CO. Kira, a 9-year-old black Lab mix with lung cancer, was the first patient. The program offers families a chance to bring their pets home and gives them a chance to say good-bye to their much-loved companions. The program is run through a veterinary teaching hospital, which also has a nationally renowned Animal Cancer Center, and specializes in providing emotional support to grieving pet owners. It hopefully will serve as a model that can be reproduced in other communities. If you are interested in starting an animal hospice program in your own community or just want to brainstorm and share ideas and suggestions, you are encouraged to contact Rita Reynolds (animal lover, animal communicator and author of the beautiful book, Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying and Beyond). The hospice process and the gifts Rita offers when an animal companion is obviously moving into the dying process are described in her article, Animal Hospice. For updates and new information regarding animal hospice and after-death communication with animals, go to Rita's Web site, Blessing the Bridge or e-mail her at lajoieco1@aol.com. See also Bittersweet Animal Hospice & Grief Recovery, the Nikki Hospice Foundation for Pets, and Angel's Gate, a residential, non-profit hospice care and rehabilitation center for animals "where special needs animals come to live out their days in peace, dignity and love."

I wish I could read the entire publication, though, front to back! Maylissa, dear ~ You will find it here: The Forum, April 2007

Shelley, dear ~ For me, that song is You Needed Me, as sung by Anne Murray. Her recording of it came out in 1978, and I would hear it on the radio all the time as I was driving back and forth to my classes (I was in graduate school in New Jersey at the time.) My dear father died that year, on September 30, and from that day forward, every time I would hear the song again, I felt as if I'd been hit by a truck. Eventually, however, it became for me my anthem to my father, and even today, whether I hear it sung or if I simply read the lyrics, it moves me to tears, because it speaks so perfectly of the relationship I had with my father. I've been without his physical presence in my life for nearly 30 years now, but it still hurts that he is not here with me, and I miss him with all my heart. He was my hero, my mentor, my teacher and my guide. He was a man among men. He was my Daddy. You Needed Me I cried a tear: you wiped it dry. I was confused: you cleared my mind. I sold my soul: you bought it back for me, And held me up, and gave me dignity. Somehow, you needed me. You gave me strength to stand alone again, To face the world out on my own again. You put me high upon a pedestal — So high that I could almost see eternity. You needed me. You needed me. And I can’t believe it’s you; I can’t believe it’s true! I needed you, and you were there. And I’ll never leave — why should I leave? I’d be a fool, ‘Cause I’ve finally found someone who really cares. You held my hand when it was cold. When I was lost, you took me home. You gave me hope when I was at the end, And turned my lies back into truth again. You even called me friend. You gave me strength to stand alone again, To face the world out on my own again. You put me high upon a pedestal — So high that I could almost see eternity. You needed me. You needed me. —Written by Randy Goodrum; sung by Anne Murray, © 1978 EMI Music Canada

Very dear Kay, you are being held in gentle thought and prayer by all of us ~ and we're holding your friends as well . . .

Reminder of Annie's Idea for Mother's Day: On Mother's Day at 12:00 noon, let us all stop what we are doing, close our eyes, take a deep breath and send our love to our moms and to each other. It would be like we are all together, and think of the energy and love we would create! So, hope you can make it to my celebration, everyone is invited! So we can all prepare ourselves for our meeting at the same time tomorrow (noon Chicago time, 10:00 a.m. Arizona time), here are links to some places where we all can figure out how to synchronize our times: United States Time Zones Canada Time Zones Mexico Time Zones World Clock Time Zone Converter