MartyT

I don't think I could have survived seeing her at the accident site, but at the same time it was like she just disappeared. That was a bit unreal. Maury, your ambivalence about seeing or not seeing your beloved at the accident site where she died is understandable, and the feeling that she simply disappeared from your life does indeed stem from the fact that you were not able to see for yourself what actually happened to her. Please see the following post: Death of My Son

You are not alone, dear Child. Anger is one of the most common reactions in grief. For example, if you type the words "so angry" into this site's search engine (In the Enter words to search box, at the top of the main page) you'll come up with four pages of topics related to the issue of anger! See, for example, the messages posted here: So Angry, at everyone, at everything

Dear Lost Lamb, You've asked for advice or comments, so I’m going to point you to a number of posts on this site that I think will be helpful to you, and I hope you will take the time to read them. Some of the posts contain links to other resources, which I encourage you to follow as well. The first two posts discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you: Can't Sleep Gone and Forgotten You ask for “any advice to get past the worry of losing somebody again.” While you are most welcome to continue seeking the useful information, comfort and support you will find from all the members of our Grief Healing family here, I think you may also find it helpful to discuss your particular concerns with an “in person” grief counselor or therapist. These next three posts deal with the value of seeking counseling: Reluctant to Seek Counseling Reasons for Avoiding Counseling Never Too Late to Do the Work of Mourning

Your concern for Mkwaa is certainly understandable, Amber. Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to each other as well. When dogs share their life with each other in the same household, they often become inseparable -- sleeping together, playing together and following one another around most of the day. When death separates them, it's understandable that the animal left behind can become distressed. Although there are no scientific research reports in the literature about this, I can assure you that I've read, heard about and experienced myself many examples of animals reacting strongly to the death of their companions (human and animal) with symptoms of separation anxiety. It's also possible that Mkwaa is sensing the distress of other humans in the household and is reacting to any changes in routine that accompanied this loss. In other words, it's not so much that she is grieving the loss of her sibling herself, but rather that on some level she is aware that you are grieving a significant loss. She knows something is wrong, but she's not quite sure what, and she is reacting to your distress by refusing to leave you to play with the other dogs in the dog park. Here are some suggestions that might help you to help reassure Mkwaa: - Keep her daily routine as unchanged as you can, so it remains as predictable, familiar and consistent as possible. - Stick to her normal feeding routine. Even though you may be tempted to offer special treats at such a sad time, you don't want to reward any refusal to eat regular meals. - If Mkwaa seems to want it, give her extra attention, petting and affection, but try to do so when she is behaving in desirable ways (with toys, games and exercise). Again, you don't want to reinforce negative behavior, and you don't want to force yourself upon her. (Some animals who've always been friendly may behave in a hostile or aggressive way — another symptom of grief.) - It may help to let her see and smell Nvwati's "things" (toys, collar, dish or bedding, etc.). Some people recommend actually sitting down and "explaining" to the surviving animal what happened to her companion, as you yourself have done. Your dog won't understand every word, but your gentle touch and the soothing tone of your voice will provide some comfort. You might also find these articles helpful: Grief in Dogs Can You Explain A Pet's Death to Another Pet? Since I am a bereavement counselor and not an expert in animal behavior, I want to suggest that you also consider consulting someone in that particular field. See, for example, some of the sites listed on the Animal Behavior Specialists page of my Grief Healing Web site. I'm sure that one or more of our other members will have referral suggestions for you as well. (I know, for example, that our own Maylissa will be of great help in this regard.) Finally, Amber, I will say to you what I often say to bereaved parents: The best way to help Mkwaa with her grief is for you to take care of your own grief first. You've taken an important first step simply by coming here to this very caring place.

Carey, dear, please accept our deepest sympathy for the death of your beloved mother, and know that you are always welcome here. As you find your way around our forums and read so many of the messages posted here, you will discover that you are not alone in what you are feeling ~ especially all that guilt ~ and you will need a safe place where you can process all of your reactions to this significant loss. Although the routine of work awaits you on Monday morning, may it bring you some small measure of comfort to know that we'll be waiting here for you whenever your work day is done, offering whatever support we can.

Oh, Amber ~ Your boy is absolutely beautiful, and your story is heartbreaking. We are so very sorry to learn of the sudden, unexpected death of your beloved Nvwati, and you have our deepest sympathy. Please know that here, you are among fellow animal lovers who understand and appreciate the very special bond you have with Nvwati, as well as the pain you are feeling now. We are holding you in our hearts . . .

Oh Karen, we're sending all sorts of positive thoughts in your direction tonight ~ and of course both you and your precious son are in our prayers. You're a terrific mom, Karen

Wendy, dear, know that you and your dear mother are in our thoughts and prayers . . .

Maylissa, dear ~ Yes, I did see your suggestion about death dates. The birthday feature is part of this particular server's options, and (to the extent that I understand all I supposedly "know" about this computer stuff) it appears automatically once a new member gives his or her "profile" information during the registration process. If there is a way to add what you're suggesting, I don't know how to do it, and I will need some time to find someone who can answer your question ~ so please bear with me. In the meantime, our site does have a "Calendar" feature (see the links at the very top of the page, next to Help, Search, and Members), and I'm wondering if we might use our calendar for the purpose you're suggesting. First, I need to know if you're willing to "play" with the Calendar features to see if you can figure out how to use them. I know what happens when I click on the Calendar link, but I don't know if those Calendar features are accessible only to me (as an administrator of the site) or to everyone. Are you willing to try that? If so, give it a try, and let me know what you think . . .

Dear Ones, Many of the sites you're seeking (bears, quilts, etc.) are listed on the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site. I'm not familiar with the other sites you've mentioned, but certainly if you use them, you're comfortable with them, and you know them to be legitimate, please feel free to recommend them to one another. I see that as quite different from advertising, which of course we do not permit here.

Dear ones all, I can certainly understand your skepticism, and I think you are wise to exercise caution as you consider these matters of prayer, religion, spirituality, after-death communication and mystical experiences. I also think it's important to wonder, to explore, and to seek answers to the very questions you are asking. We may not have the answers, indeed we may never know the answers, but we have every right to ask the questions. This search for meaning is a healthy and very necessary part of the grief process. Wendy, in an earlier post you said, “I have a question I have been wondering about. Marty you had said that a common way for communication is in our dreams. How can we tell the difference between a communication while we are sleeping and just a dream?” Although grief dreams and After-Death Communications (ADCs) are not my areas of expertise, it would seem to me that it really doesn’t matter whether we consider one of these experiences as a “communication while we are sleeping” or “just a dream.” What matters is the personal meaning we choose to attach to such an experience ~ and that is strictly up to the individual. Like you, I am fascinated by these topics also, and I am happy to point you to some resources that, in my own search for answers, I’ve found to be quite helpful and informative. See, for example, the articles, books and Web sites I have listed on the Alternative Healing page of my Grief Healing Web site. I’ve personally explored all the sites and have read all the books I’ve chosen to list there, and I have met several of the individuals whose names are listed there as well, including Christine Duminiak. (I’ve read Christine’s book, God’s Gift of Love: After Death Communications, and I’ve also attended one of her workshops here in Phoenix. Although she is a Catholic Christian and someone I would consider spiritually inclined, she is not a religious fanatic, nor did I experience her as intent on converting anyone to her personal religious beliefs.) I’m also including here the content of one of my earlier posts about religion and the part it plays in grief, in case you didn’t see it in another thread: When we are coping with a traumatic loss, such as the death of a loved one, we are forced to begin the difficult process of adapting to what is happening to us. Part of that process is trying to make some sense of it. We search for meaning. Whatever faith we had may be shaken to the core, as the very values and beliefs we’ve held onto all our lives suddenly are brought into question. Whether sudden or expected, the death of someone loved is an unwelcome and extremely painful interruption of our relationship with our beloved ~ and for most of us (in our culture at least), it not only hurts, it just feels wrong. Intellectually we may know that death is a part of life, and sooner or later it will happen to all of us, but in our hearts and souls we grieve. Sometimes we’re angry that this has happened to us, and we need someone ~ anyone ~ to blame for the injustice of it all. Sometimes the one we want to blame is God, or our higher power, or fate or the universe, or whomever else we think we can hold accountable. In an earlier post it was stated that "Religions were created to fill voids in the minds of people, (and of course used to gain power and control)." Well, yes and no. A lot of research has been done around this matter of religion and the part it plays in grief, and I think it’s important to note that for some, religion can offer an effective way of coping with loss. For example, in a new book I’ve just finished reviewing (Handbook of Thanatology: The Essential Body of Knowledge for the Study of Death, Dying, and Bereavement, David Balk, Editor-in-Chief, © 2007, Association for Death Education and Counseling) Robert G. Stevenson writes about a hospital chaplain named Mwalimu Imara. (Imara was the chaplain who worked in Chicago alongside Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the famous psychiatrist who wrote the ground-breaking book On Death and Dying). In his work with dying patients and their families, Chaplain Imara noticed a significant difference in those who believed in and practiced what he called authentic religion. People with authentic religion, he observed, used their religion to form their sense of who they were. They used their faith to set and follow their life priorities, to make choices and face the consequences of those choices, and to make sense out of life and death. They found a way to answer those basic questions about life and death – and as a group, they were less anxious and less fearful of death. These individuals were better able to cope with loss and to move through the grief process more effectively. This matter of religion and spirituality is such an important topic, and I applaud you all for bringing it up, exploring it, and discussing it with one another here. I hope you will continue to do so. I also think you may find this article helpful: Spiritual Reactions to Loss. Finally, here is a sampling of others’ thoughts on this important topic of religion and spirituality, taken from my site's Comfort for Grieving Hearts page: Some mourners may have been taught to believe that if their faith is strong enough, there is no need to mourn. For those who internalize this misconception there is a tendency to grieve internally but not to mourn externally. When this occurs, [the mourner needs help to] understand that having faith does not preclude mourning. Having faith does mean having the courage to allow yourself to mourn. Some will need the gentle reminder [in Matthew 5:4], “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” – Alan D. Wolfelt "Meanwhile, where is God? . . . go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence . . . Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, ‘So there's no God after all,' but ‘So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'" — C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed In our circle,we noticed that the temptation can exist for Christians to sugarcoat everything and act like bad things are really good things in disguise. "Gifts come in all kinds of packages," someone said to me recently in reference to the painful things we face in life.I don't think I will ever reach a place where I could consider [my son] Seth's death a "gift" any more than I consider rape or child abductions, terrorist attacks, murder, genocide, or famine "gifts." While it is true that the strength or the insight we gain from God to get through these times could be considered as gifts, the event itself is not, and I believe that God grieves just as much as we do. Why can't we just admit that painful things are painful? Why can't we just sit down with people and cry along with them as we admit that what happened is cause for tears? We don't need people to rush in and frantically try to wrap it all up pretty with a bow, like it is something we should savor. In time, we may see goodness that seeped out of badness, but we should leave it to God to show us that, when our eyes are not so full of tears and we can see more clearly. -- Elizabeth A. Price, in "Helping the Bereaved: A Few Basic Rules," Bereavement Magazine, September/October 2003. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673) When we travel the journey of grief, the familiar can become unfamiliar, even unrecognizable. Relationships can be put on hold (though sometimes because we don't recognize the love that surrounds us), our bodies respond differently than before (energy levels, appetite, sleep, general health) and our emotions often become, at best, a wild ride through some very dark and gloomy waters. Even God (our beliefs, values and sources of strength) is different. For some, even the ability to believe in anyone or anything is stretched to impossibility, for a long time, maybe even forever. Sorrow can be a very deep hole, deepened by our perceived loss of that sense of connection. For many it is about despair, fear and hopelessness. For others, a sense of sadness and futility. It may be less severe for many, but it is still there. For all of us still wrestle with the essential questions of life and meaning. Why did this happen? Why did this happen now? What will happen to me? How will I live now? Do I want to go on living? What do I need to do now? These are the questions of life and grief, as old as the ancient psalms and as fresh as this morning's first cup of coffee. What does all of this mean for you and me? The answer (and it isn't really an answer, but a choice, a hunch, a moving through the journeys of grief and of faith all twisted and turned together) is in connecting to myself, my story and my God . . . it is faith, our ability to believe and trust in the outcomes or blessings of even one's suffering, that brings us through our sorrow to a renewed sense of hope. My beliefs help me identify where I am, who I am, where I am going, and how I will get there. Healthy spirituality never dodges the tough bullets of grief. It never diminishes my worth and never dismisses my feelings. My relationship with God leaves me plenty of time and space to wander and to ponder. There is room to be angry, with the encouragement to receive anger's gift rather than be seduced by its rage. I can connect with my guilt, yet welcome forgiveness that restores. My loneliness is embraced through religious community or context, ritual, sacrament and prayer (or whatever fits with your traditions). Grief's anonymity ("Doesn't anyone understand?") is embraced by a God sometimes perceived to be distant and inaccessible, who still knows me by name! -- Reverend Richard Gilbert, M.Div. in "Like Connecting with an Old Friend," Bereavement Magazine, January/February 2002. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673) . . . Months ago I was angry at what I thought was the sheeplike stupidity of people who believed in a God who cared about them. Enraged by Gretchen's death, I could not understand how people, especially those whose children had died, could believe they were loved by God. Having myself grown up with that image of the fatherly taskmaster, I needed something to blame, something to hate for what had happened; and there He was, still present in my memory, somehow alive under layers of consciousness. Shortly after Gretchen died I saw a woman driving a car with a bumper sticker saying GOD LOVES YOU, and I felt like running her off the road. I saw the same message the other day and shrugged. Now that my anger is subsiding, I see Him and all the other gods as not unlike my own "pathetic fallacies," the fantasies of minds and hearts unhinged by grief. I may not believe what others do, but I have experienced the desperate longing to understand, and I know I, too, am one of the sheep. So I don't begrudge anyone a belief that can help them get through the day. — Tom Crider, in Give Sorrow Words: A Father's Passage Through Grief There is a Job-like mystery in human suffering and loss that can’t be comprehended with reason. It can only be lived in faith. Suffering forces our attention toward places we would normally neglect. [it is] the lesson taught by many mystics: that this necessary dimension of faith is spawned by unknowing. Nicholas of Cusa said we have to be educated into our ignorance or else the full presence of the divine will be kept at bay. We have to arrive at that difficult point where we don’t know what is going on or what we can do. That precise point is an opening to true faith. -- Thomas Moore, in Care of the Soul Religion is not a shield from pain, but a mechanism for dealing with it effectively. Effectively: not hiding from pain, not eliminating it, not denying it, not continuing it -- but working through it and getting past it through very practical methods. – Dorian Scott Cole There is but one freedom. To put oneself right with death. After that, everything is possible. I cannot force you to believe in God. Believing in God amounts to coming to terms with death. When you have accepted death, the problem of God will be solved -- and not the reverse. -- Albert Camus

I know you've raised this same question in the past, Derek, and you may want to review the discussion we had about it a year or so ago: Chat Room

So perfectly stated as always, dear John. Reading your post was, for me, like unexpectedly bumping into an old and very dear friend. How wonderful it is to find you here among us now and then, and to hear your beautiful voice once again . .

Thank you so much for sharing the details of this experience with us, Kay. Your friend Virgie is fortunate to have an angel such as yourself by her side at this difficult time ~ just as we are fortunate that you are such an important and significant part of our GH family here. Your story serves as a beautiful example of what our own grief experience can teach us: how to reach out in compassion and “be there” for another, how to love and be loved more fully. It is one of the most precious gifts of bereavement. In her lovely book, A Season of Grief: A Comforting Companion for Difficult Days, bereaved mother Ann Dawson writes, Not long after Andy’s death, another bereaved parent attempted to comfort me by saying, “We now belong to a special club, a club we didn’t want to join but we’re together in it now.” I felt revulsion at hearing her words. I hated having to belong to that club, and I wanted no part of that membership. But none of the club members were voluntary conscripts. We had all been drafted against our wills. Yet as time went on, I resigned myself to this membership and found myself reaching out in compassion to other suffering individuals. I had known the pain of loss and the comfort of a caring hand. I needed to return the favor to others in need. I find that this is a common trait among those who have suffered a great loss. It is a gift that we receive and then pass along to the next person. It is what makes us children of God. [p. 67]

We are holding you in our hearts and keeping you in our prayers, dear one . . .

I love the wisdom in those words, Derek ~ thank you!

Hi Shelley, I appreciate your suggestion and I will give it some careful thought. Expanding the number of forums on our site is always an option, but I don’t want to create so many places that people’s posts get “lost” or go unread, and it becomes impossible for any given member to participate in all of them. I think there is real value in each member participating in as many different forums as possible, and I certainly don’t want any member to feel as if he or she does not “belong” in any particular forum. See, for example, Have I Done Something Wrong? In the meantime, if a particular forum does not seem to “fit” a particular type of loss (such as the death of your beloved aunt or uncle) I would hope that you would feel comfortable posting in one of our more generic forums, such as Behaviors in Bereavement, General Grief & Loss, and /or Honoring the Dead.

The Dance Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone For a moment all the world was right How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I a king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance ©1989 Written by Tony Arata, Sung by Garth Brooks

Wendy, I assure you that no one here thinks you’re crazy. As an example, read all the posts in this thread: Lost Mom a Year Ago / Feel Her Here Your experience also reminds me of this encouraging piece from Louis LaGrand’s informative book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. On pages 119-121 he writes: Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors. You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions: •Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do? •What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.) •Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received? •Most important of all, did the experience bring peace? If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace. To read more about the wonderful work of Louis LaGrand, visit his Web site, Extraordinary Grief Experiences.

Sorry, Karen ~ if she ever decides to put it up for grabs, I've got first dibs on Kay's heart

Dear Sister, I'm so sorry. Mourning the death of your sibling is difficult enough, but you were faced with the death of your great-grandmother barely two months later, and so it’s not surprising that now you find yourself in a state of “grief overload.” You don’t say what you’ve been doing with your grief since each of these deaths happened, but since you say “Some days I feel like I’m going crazy,” I would suspect that you haven’t yet taken whatever time you need to process each of these major losses in your life. If you’ve done any reading in any of the forums on this site, you will find us saying over and over again that, even though it certainly can make you feel pretty "crazy" at times, grief is a normal response to the death of someone dearly loved. It is not a single event that happens quickly and then it’s over with. It is a process that takes place over time, and to move through it successfully requires that you do the work of mourning, so that your grief can be felt, outwardly expressed, and understood. When you've had two significant losses, one right after the other like yours, it can be very difficult to do the work of mourning, because as you've observed, it's so hard to sort out which loss you're dealing with and responding to at any given time. It helps enormously both to read about how others experience grief and to share with others who are mourning losses similar to your own, because it makes you feel less “crazy” and alone, and it gives you hope that if others can find their way through their own grief journeys, then somehow you will find your own way through yours, too. You can do this sort of sharing in a forum such as this one and/ or in an “in person” grief support group. Because you've been hit with two significant losses so close together, it can also help to talk face-to-face with a grief counselor, just to get another perspective and some help in sorting out your reactions. It also helps to read articles and books about grief, because doing so normalizes your responses, gives you an idea of what to expect in the weeks and months ahead, and offers practical suggestions for anticipating and managing your reactions. A good place to start is on the pages of my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find a wealth of information, and links to dozens of other helpful resources. See, for example, Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief Understanding the Grief Process Managing Your Grief Death of a Sibling or Twin

Derek and Kim, I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for each of you to make the decision in favor of organ donation, but I hope it brings you comfort to know what a magnificent gift you have given to others in need. Your comments brought to mind this lovely poem by Robert N. Test: To Remember Me The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. When that day comes, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or the love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. -- Robert N. Test

I remember that song, Walt ~ I remember my mother singing that song when I was little. I have not thought of that song again until I read your post just now, and it brings me to tears. If today is your wedding anniversary, know that we all are raising our glasses to you and your precious Jeannie tonight ~ and thanks for the memories, dearest one.

Dear Ones, This topic has been discussed at length in earlier threads, which you may find interesting also: What To Do With Cremated Remains

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