MartyT

He's beautiful, Patti. I'm sooooo glad you figured out how to put his picture up so we can see him every time we hear from you!

Dear Chandra's Mom, You may be feeling guilty (when we are grieving, so much of what we are feeling doesn't seem to make much sense), but that does not mean that you are guilty -- and the only people who would think that doing the work of mourning is not hard are the ones who've never lost a loved one to death ~ most especially an adult daughter! Keep reading the posts you'll find here in our forums, and you'll soon discover that with us, you don't have to explain what you are doing with your time ~ we already know. This is some of the most difficult, gut-wrenching work you will ever have to do, and please don't let anyone (including that nagging little voice in your own head) tell you that you are not "doing anything very productive."

(Forgive me for interrupting, but I just feel a need to insert this thought ~ You dear, sweet people never cease to amaze me. You take such good care of one another. I am so proud of you, I treasure each and every one of you, and I love you all dearly )

Geri, dear, you said, "Its very scary to think that when you die it doesn't take most people in your life very long to forget you it seems. I think how can it be so easy just forget such a beatiful soul such as Brenda." I am reminded of these lovely words from Elaine Stillwell: "If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing." We have to find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joy to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory. [source: Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4] In the weeks and months ahead, as you continue to find your way through this grief journey that is uniquely yours alone, perhaps you can think about the ways that you could continue to sing Brenda's song. As long as you remember Brenda, and keep her memory alive, she will never be forgotten. You could begin simply by telling all of us what was so special about her . . .

Evelyn, dear ~ I do not mean to interrupt what is being discussed here, but I just wanted to thank you. Your post is filled with the wisdom that comes from experience, and I am grateful that you took the time to share it with all of us. P.S. It's so nice to hear from you again

Annie, dear, your most recent post has left me in tears. You are so deserving of the compassionate words you received from your dad's doctor yesterday, and I am so grateful that he said those things to you. He is right ~ you and your brother didn't just fall off a turnip truck ~ obviously you learned some very valuable lessons about love, devotion, loyalty, and honor from both your parents. Your father is blessed to have you in his life right now, and I am certain that your mother is smiling down upon you from her special place in heaven. We feel honored that you have allowed us to accompany you on this long and difficult journey, as by your shining example, you have taught us some very valuable lessons, too.

I FEEL SO SELFISH AND GUILTY ABOUT BEING SUCH A MESS OVER THIS WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT AND DIED. Yes, Geri, that is true, but your friend's suffering is over now, and you are the one who is suffering now. Such is the nature of grief. I think you will find, if you take the time to read through so many of the heartfelt messages posted here, that what you are feeling is normal and perfectly understandable under the circumstances. You may find it helpful, too, to visit this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Death of a Friend. So often in our culture this sort of loss is not recognized as significant, and unless you find yourself in the company of other mourners, you may end up feeling very isolated. We do not even have a word (like widow or widower) for those whose close friends have died. Coming here to share your feelings and reactions and reading about what is normal in grief ~ especially in the grief that accompanies the death of a dear friend ~ can be very comforting, as it will help you to feel less crazy and alone.

As you do this, Shell, please carry us with you in your heart, just as we are carrying you in ours

Good for you, Shelley! I am soooo proud of you! You go, Girl!!!

Hi Shelley, You said, “I just do not know how to arrange to go and see the person I was seeing without having time and a way to get there... My sister thinks I am just crazy and does not want to hear anything else about it from me....” If I understand you correctly, you want very much to go back to see your grief counselor, but the primary concerns are making the time to do so, and finding a way to get there. Since you are dependent on your sister for transportation, you’re also faced with having to convince your sister of the importance of your returning to counseling at this time. I’m reminded of a wonderful article by our good friend Peggy Haymes, entitled Top Ten Reasons for Avoiding Counseling. In hopes that it will encourage you to trust your instincts and do what you need to do to take good care of your own mental health ~ and in hopes that it may help you “make your case” with your sister ~ you'll find Peggy's list here: Are You Reluctant to Seek Grief Counseling? You might also consider printing out the article and giving it to your sister to read as well.

Hi Steven, No, if I understand you correctly, we do not have the feature you describe. As one of the administrators of the site, I do have the ability to ban the use of certain words and phrases that we would consider inappropriate or offensive, but we cannot sort posts by filtering out certain topics / comments.

We've been missing you, too, dear Walt! How lovely to see you again. Welcome home

Dolores, dear, my heart is aching for you, too. I am the mother of two grown sons, one of whom is presently on a dangerous mission in the Middle East, despite all my pleading and wishing and hoping and praying that he would just stay home. I fear for his safety each and every day, and I've often thought what would happen to me if something happens to him. I cannot begin to imagine the anger, helplessness, sorrow and despair you must be experiencing in the aftermath of your boy's senseless, accidental death. Clearly you would have given your own life in exchange for his, if only that could have saved him. Believe me, I know that, and as a mother I certainly do understand it. Please know that we're all thinking of you and holding you in gentle thought and prayer. If you've not been there already, I want to invite you to explore these pages on my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find additional sources of information, comfort, and support: Death of an Infant, Child, or Grandchild Traumatic Loss As we often say to those dear souls who find their way to this place of warmth, compassion and love: There is nothing we can do to take away your pain, but we can assure you that we will not let you bear it all alone. Wishing you peace and healing,

Shelley, remember the famous line attributed to Lau Tzu and Confucius: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whenever I remember this saying, I think of the cartoon I once saw that shows a wise old man in a long robe, leaning on his walking stick, standing next to a young boy with a knap-sack on his back. They're both gazing at the huge mountain that looms before them in the distance, and the old man is speaking to the boy. The caption reads, "A journey of a thousand miles often begins with the realization that a thousand miles is a heck of a long journey." The simple fact of the matter is that the only way to get from where you've been to where you want to go is by mustering the courage to begin, and then to take one small step at a time. Eventually, all those small steps add up to a whole lot of movement. Shell is right; it does not matter how big your steps, as long as you keep moving forward. This writer uses another analogy: Think of a car driving through the night. The headlights only go a hundred to two hundred feet forward, and you can make it all the way from California to New York driving through the dark, because all you have to see is the next two hundred feet. And that’s how life tends to unfold before us. If we just trust that the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, and the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, your life will keep unfolding. And it will eventually get you to the destination of whatever it is you truly want, because you want it. – Jack Canfield, in The Secret, p. 57

Obviously your husband knows a whole lot more about the workings of our site than either you or I do, Maylissa. Can we have him?

Shelley, three cheers and a hip, hip, hooray for YOU! Yippppeeeeee

Maylisssa, dear ~ I'm so sorry, but as much as I can determine, all the controls are working properly, and have not changed from how they worked before. I am unable to explain why your controls are working differently. On my machine at least, your signature is still showing up as purple, too. All I can suggest is that you try re-booting your computer to see if that helps. Please do let me know if this does not help, and we will go from there.

Notice to All Our Discussion Group Members and Visitors: We have been notified by Invision Power Services that our Discussion Groups site is being moved to a new server, making it temporarily unavailable to all our members and visitors. This will begin at 11:00 p.m EST tonight. We are deeply sorry for the interruption in service that results, as we know how much this site means to each of you and how much you've come to depend upon it. We also recognize that this inaccessibility may feel like yet another loss for you. We beg your indulgence as we work diligently to upgrade our service. Please rest assured that we intend to have the site back up and running as quickly as possible. Again we apologize for this interruption, we thank you for your patience, and we look forward to your returning to the site.

We love you, too, dear Kay, and we are all pulling for you. Please do whatever is necessary to take good care of you

Dear Ones, This important message just came to me from a fellow pet loss counselor in Canada: Hi everyone You know I don't send alot of forwards but this is important. If this does not apply to you-----PLEASE forward it on to someone that you know,that it might apply to. It is with a very heavy heart that I write this and I apologize for its length. Please, PLEASE pass this around. On Monday, June 25, 2007 I took my healthy 9 month old Border Collie Vita swimming at approximately 6:30 p.m. Vita and two other BC‘s spent about an hour and a half diving off the dock, chasing the Water Kong, and running around. The temperature that day was just over 90 degrees, but none of the dogs looked particularly winded or hot. Vita emerged from the water and looked as if she was going to vomit. She threw up lake water three times. I wasn’t particularly concerned as she took in a lot of water from retrieving and swimming so much and had seen other dogs do that in the past without complications. After the third time throwing up, she lay down and closed her eyes. Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth and I began to suspect she may have heat stroke. I immediately placed ice on her stomach and checked her gums. They were pink. I took her temperature which was 101.9, still normal. I then called my Vet who said these conditions did not indicate heat stroke and said I needed to get emergency medical attention right away. Vita was not responsive and when I picked her up to put her i n the car she was limp and her eyes were still closed. Her breathing was slow and her heart was racing. I arrived at the emergency clinic only a half hour from the time she showed signs of distress. The ER Vet asked me what sorts of things Vita had been doing all day. I explained that she was crated as I was gone for the latter part of the afternoon and that upon coming home, the only other place she went was to the lake. Vita’s eyes were fixed and dilated and the Vet suggested there was already brain damage. After administering an IV and oxygen, the Vet called me in and said Vita was not responding and that it appeared that she was suffering from some kind of toxic poisoning. Her heart rate was 200. He mentioned that he had recently seen a couple of dogs who died from Blue Green Algae Toxicity. I told him that the lake had what appear ed to be algae blooms on the surface of the water. Neither of the other two dogs showed any of the signs that Vita had and that neither dog took in as much water as Vita apparently did. We decided to put her on a ventilator overnight and give her a "chance" to pull through. When I got home I did a Dogpile.com search of "Blue Green Algae Toxicity in Dogs" and found some very disturbing information. -Blooms can occur at any time, but most often occur in late summer or early fall. They can occur in marine, estuarine, and fresh waters, but the blooms of greatest concern are the ones that occur in fresh water, such as drinking water reservoirs or recreational waters. -Some cyanobacterial blooms can look like foam, scum, or mats on the surface of fresh water lakes and ponds. The blooms can be blue, bright green, brown, or red and may look like paint floating on the water. Some blooms may not affect the appearance of the water. As algae in a cyanobacterial bloom die, the water may smell bad. -Some cyanobacteria that can form CyanoHABs (Harmful Algal Blooms) produce toxins that are among the most powerful natural poisons known. These toxins have no known antidotes. -Swallowing water that has cyanobacterial toxins in it can cause acute, severe gastroenteritis (including diarrhea and vomiting). -Liver toxicity (i.e., increased serum levels of liver enzymes). Symptoms of liver poisoning may takes hours or days to show up in people or animals. Symptoms include abdominal pain, diarrhea, and vomiting. -Kidney toxicity. -Neurotoxicity. These symptoms can appear within 15 to 20 minutes after exposure. In dogs, the neurotoxins can cause salivation and other neurologic symptoms, including weakness, staggering, difficulty breathing, convulsions, and death. People may have numb lips, tingling fingers and toes, or they may feel dizzy. Vita had indeed exhibited salivation and signs of weakness, staggering, difficulty breathing and vomiting. At 7:00 a.m. on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 I called the Vet and was told that they took Vita off the ventilator a couple of times during the night and that she was not breathing on her own. I told him to discontinue the procedure and to let her go. I called the DNR here in Michigan and was told that Blue Green Algae didn’t usually appear this time of year and I told the agent that the conditions were that of late summer in Michigan, very hot for the last two days and reminded him that Blue Green Algae can appear at any time. He told me not to panic or to alarm other people. I told him that had someone else panicked, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Later that morning I found out from a neighbor that her two young boys had vomiting, diarrhea and stomach cramps last week and her Doctor suggested she bring in a water sample. I do not know if she did or not. I also talked to a woman from a neighboring county whose neighbor’s dog ingested a lot of water from a pond and died suddenly a couple weeks ago. As of this writing, Wednesday, June 27th, I have not heard anything from Michigan State where I took Vita for a necropsy and toxoligical panel. For the time being, I would strongly suggest you watch your dogs when swimming in small lakes and ponds as the potential threat of toxic poisoning from Blue Green Algae is prevalent. Had I known that algae of any kind was toxic, you can be sure my dogs wouldn’t be swimming anywhere and that Vita, whose name quite ironically meant "life" in Latin, would be alive today. Missing you more than you can imagine. May you rest in peace, Red Top Vita 09/05/06 - 06/26/07 Bob Tatus 5997 Mabley Hill Road Fenton, Michigan 48430 248-255-2111

Dear Friend, Helping another in grief is a topic that we’ve addressed here before; although the circumstances are a bit different, you may find this earlier post (and the resources suggested) helpful. See How Can I Help? When Someone You Love Loses Someone See also the articles and resources listed on this page on my Grief Healing Web site: Helping Someone Who’s Grieving I agree with Shell and Karen that you are doing your level best to “be there” in a kind and caring way for your friend. At the same time, I think what's important here is not that you assume the role of grief counselor for this man, but rather that you educate yourself about what is normal in grief and make yourself aware of what bereavement resources are available, so you're armed with that information if and when your friend is willing to consider it. Whether your friend decides to take advantage of those resources is really up to him, but certainly if grief issues keep coming up in your interactions with this man, you can go so far as to help him find out what and where they are. Just knowing what normal grief looks like, knowing what to expect and knowing how to manage the typical reactions to it can be very, very helpful for you. Then, if and when the timing seems right, you can gently offer to share with your friend some of the resources you yourself have discovered and explored (so you'll know why you're recommending them.) You might also print out some of the articles that you find and send them to your friend to read, along with a gentle comment such as, "I found this interesting article that shed some light on something I've been wondering about – I thought perhaps you'd be interested in it, too. Maybe we can talk about it together, after you've had a chance to read it." Be aware, however, that this man may not be open to or ready for your offers to help -- especially if he doesn’t see that there is a problem here that requires your intervention in the first place. I don't know if this offers you much help, my dear. As I said, I don't think you can "fix this" for this man, but you certainly can learn more about grief and loss yourself, so at least you can understand better what may be going on with him. You'll also be in a better position to encourage him to seek the help that is available to him, should he ever feel a need for it. I know it's difficult when you want to do something to make things better for someone you really care about, and you're not certain if he wants or even needs your help. Unfortunately, even as a counselor I cannot force my help or unsolicited advice onto a person who does not seek it directly -- all I would get in return is resistance. We simply cannot "make" someone else do what we think is best, regardless of how "right" we may think we are. Whatever you do, please know that we are thinking of you, and wishing you all the best.

This just in, from our good friend and dear colleague Peggy Haymes: Celebrate the connections between people and pets with this touching new video, The Blessing of the Animals. About Peggy Haymes: Animal lover, author, and minister Peggy Haymes practices counseling in Winston-Salem, N.C. She has helped people from all over the world heal from the losses in their lives. Together with her partner Susan Lautemann, MBA, MAEd, LPC, she established PetCaring in 2005 to help animal lovers around the world heal from the loss of a pet. Peggy and Susan have over 30 years' experience in helping people as they move through the journey of grief and healing, and a lifetime of caring for and loving the pets in their own lives. Peggy can be contacted at Peggy@petcaring.com You can check out her informative and timely "Pets and Other Friends" blog atwww.petcaring.blogspot.com. See also this "Love Poem from a Dog," by James Jacobson: Do You Remember Love?

Traci, dear ~ Shell is absolutely right, but if you need more assurance that you are doing what is best for yourself right now, you may find this article especially relevant and helpful: The Art and Science of Caring for Others without Forgetting Self Care, by Charles R. Figley

Shell, it's so good to see you here, and to hear your lovely voice once again. You have been sorely missed by all of us. Welcome home.

Dear Ones, I've learned via Private Message from our dear and precious Shell that her mother died last Thursday, and with Shell's permission, I am sharing that sad news with all of you now. In Shell's own words, "I don't mind if you share my news with the rest of the 'family.' I just can't quite bring myself to write anything about it right now, so you telling them would actually be a help to me. Thank you. I definitely will be back sometime. The board had been such a blessing to me . . ." I've assured Shell that she has many, many people here who care deeply for her and stand ready to embrace her with our love, just as she has always been here for us. I know she will come back to us whenever she feels ready to do so, and in the meantime, I hope you will join with me in conveying our deepest sympathy to her and those she loves.