MartyT

Tracey, dear, you have our deepest sympathy for the loss of your precious daughter ~ and I, too, hope that you will direct us to her particular memorial on the Last Memories site. (Just so everyone knows they have a choice, Last Memories is one of several such online memorial Web sites. You'll find this and others listed on the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site.)

Oh my dear Walt ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you this week, as we hold you in our hearts. Please be sure to read the article I've posted today in The Latest News forum, How Long Will It Last?

Annie, I'm just wondering ~ did you receive the PM I sent to you on Sunday?

How Long Will It Last? by Richard L. Mabry, MD DrRLMabry@yahoo.com My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? (Psalm 6:3, NLT) “And they lived happily ever after.” As newlyweds we may realize, deep down, that those words signify an impossible dream, but we push reality aside until it’s forced on us. My “happily ever after” ended in 1999, when Cynthia, my wife of forty years, died of a brain hemorrhage. The journaling that helped me through the dark days that followed formed the basis of my book, The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse. In turn, that book led me out of my retirement from medicine, into a speaking and writing ministry in support of those who have suffered a similar loss. I’ve now conducted numerous grief seminars, and at each one the question most commonly asked (and most difficult to answer) is this: “How long will it last?” The questions that follow are all the same. “How long will I cry at the slightest provocation?” “How long before I no longer feel the oppressive guilt of being left behind?” “How long until I stop going over and over those terminal events, wondering if I did everything I could? How long?” I had those same thoughts. The days and weeks after Cynthia died were marked by emotional volatility that I didn’t think possible. After all, men don’t cry – but I did, frequently, and often for no apparent reason. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to go out. I couldn’t concentrate sufficiently to read, or even follow the mindless shows that populated the TV schedule. And always before me was the question, How long will it last? At first, I simply assumed that the grief would last for the rest of my life, and I did my best to tolerate it. Tolerate? No, at times I wallowed in it, embraced it, took the grief to my heart as my punishment for being left behind here – survivor guilt raised to the nth degree. Then intellectual curiosity began to intrude. I searched to see what “experts” had said about how long grief lasts. The consensus seemed to be that it probably would take a year for it to subside. With typical male logic, I reasoned that if grieving generally took a year, perhaps by grieving more intensely I could get through it in less time. I pummeled myself with thoughts of my loss and refused offers of help and consolation – but the grief continued. Then I consulted more sources, and found some authorities saying that sometimes grief lasts for up to two years. How very discouraging! I won’t detail my journey through grief, but will simply summarize by saying that slowly, painfully, the clouds began to lift. Trigger situations still brought tears, but they were less frequent and less pronounced. There continued to be times when I yearned for Cynthia’s companionship, for the good things we’d enjoyed together. But there were times when I could laugh and enjoy myself without feeling guilty about it. As time went on, I realized each morning what a gift had been presented me with the day that lay before me. I remained more tender, my emotions closer to the surface, but the result of that was primarily more empathy with those who mourn. It’s been seven years since Cynthia’s death. There are still times when I miss her, but the freely flowing tears are a thing of the past. Am I done with my grief? No, the wound has healed over, but it truly has left a tender scar and I’ll never be exactly the same. What advice can I give to those who cry out for help in getting through the grief that grips them? Don’t hold back your tears – shed them and don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to ventilate to others: friends, your pastor, a grief support group. Don’t shy away from counseling and the use of antidepressants when they are suggested. Don’t be discouraged when your progress seems to be two steps forward, one step back; recovery always takes longer than you hope or expect. And don’t be ashamed when your anger at the loss spills over to God. He’ll be there, whether you turn to Him or not, and eventually you will once more find comfort in prayer and the Scriptures. Does grief take a year, two years, a lifetime? The resolution of grief takes as long as it takes. So my answer to those of you who ask, “When will it end?” is this: Only God knows, but that’s okay, because God will get you through it. Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God! (Psalm 43:5, NLT) [source: Grief Digest Magazine, Volume 4, Issue #4, April 2007, p. 27. Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 866-218-0101.] About The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse: Written by a physician whose wife died in 1999, this book addresses the heart-wrenching pain of losing a spouse, guides the bereaved through the grief process and offers help on such practical topics as “playing the blame game,” finding a support group, tending the cemetery, “resigning your commissions” to protect and take care of a spouse even after death, “combating funeral flashbacks” and more. As the author of three best-selling medical textbooks and editor of five others, Dr. Mabry’s writing is refreshingly authentic, clear and direct. Working from his own journal entries, he shares the emotions and situations he has encountered and acknowledges his own mistakes as well as his hard-won victories. The book is suitable for those comfortable with a Christian / Baptist perspective, as it includes relevant and carefully selected Bible passages as well as the author’s own personal prayers of hope and healing. (Now a retired private practitioner and medical school professor, Dr. Mabry serves as a deacon at his home church and has taught several Bible courses and Sunday school classes over the years.) But as one reviewer observes, this author “speaks from the trench and not from the pulpit.”

Wonderful, Shelley! I'm so glad you let us know! Isn't it wonderful how our beloved animal companions just live in the present moment? They don't care how long it's been since they've seen us, they don't hold any grudges against us, they still remember us and love us dearly when we visit them, and they're just plain happy to see us again! When my dear father's beloved Saint Bernard, Banjo, died, he was so heartbroken and lonely that I feared for his health. He lived alone at the time, and since I knew how very much he loved my beautiful Bouvier, I offered to let my cherished Daisy dog go live with him for a while. (He lived in another town about an hour's drive from my own home.) Of course, when I saw how much this arrangement helped my dad, I didn't have the heart to take my Daisy back, no matter how much I missed her. I figured my dad needed her a whole lot more than I did. I've never regretted having done that for my dad, but oh my, oh my, I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was for me at the time! I'll bet you can hardly wait till July!

My dear Kay, I've been reading your posts every day, and I feel such a need just to let you know I’m here, I care about you, and I am thinking of you. In some of your posts I can feel the isolation, loneliness, depression and despair that threaten to overtake and swallow you up, and at those times, my heart just aches for you. I hope that at such times, you can feel our collective arms around you. At other times I sit in awe of the supportive messages you post to others in these forums, as with the utmost compassion you attend to us, normalize our reactions, and find just the right words to comfort and reassure us. I hope that at those times, too, you know how much we treasure you, and how much we value your continued presence in our GH family. Kay, I understand completely your not wanting to stay forever locked into the sorrow and despair that came with George’s death. You wanted to grow and to heal, and to move your life forward with your new husband John, and there is nothing wrong with that! When life handed you an opportunity to live again, you did not resist, and no one can fault you for that! I know you come here for support in your grief journey, Kay, but I also think you need and deserve support in your journey to let new love in your life. I think, for example, that if you were exposed to the stories of other widows and widowers who’ve “transcended the loss of a spouse to find a new love” ~ whether it’s by reading about them in books, or by being with them in a support group ~ it would reinforce the decisions you’ve made, and give you some hope for the future. (The book I’m reading right now is an example: The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love.) I also believe that your particular circumstances (separation from your new husband; long commute which leaves little time for socializing, rest and relaxation; financial worries; etc.) are complicating your grief and your transition into your new life, Kay. I’m reminded of an empowering passage from another book I highly recommend: Someone asked me the other day how a person can feel any personal power when you’re down, feeling the lowest you’ve ever felt. I answered, “The personal power comes from knowing that I made the choices that led to good things in the past and I made the choices later that led to bad things happening. And I can make new and different choices today. There is something strong in knowing that your choices matter and that you can make new ones. I said to myself early on in this process, “You screwed up. Now you have to do what’s necessary to get to where you want to be from here. Start right here. Move yourself forward from this point.” So every day it’s a matter of getting up, determined to keep going. You’ve got to keep getting up and keep on doing whatever there is to do today, the best way you can do it. I’m a different person today, and I think a better person. I know I’m much less afraid. My attitude is now that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a freight train; it’s the light of a beautiful, wonderful day. [source: “Renewing after a Financial Loss,” in Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, © 2005 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044669455X, p. 265] Kay, I don’t know where you are in your relationship with John ~ I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be so far apart from each other while trying to develop and nurture a new marriage ~ but even when you’re apart, I hope you will continue to allow yourself to experience John’s love, at the same time releasing some of the pain of your grief for George. Releasing the pain of grief is not the same as releasing George ~ you know as well as I do that George will stay in your heart forever, and you will never, ever forget him. The love you have for John does not in any way diminish or cancel the love you have for George. I wish with all my heart that we could wave a magic wand and take away your troubles and your pain, dear Kay, but that we cannot do. Instead, we can offer only this: our love, which is with you always.

My dear Serl, I so appreciate your post, as it gives me the opportunity to tell you (and all who may be reading this) that whenever I post a message on this site, I am acutely aware that I am "speaking" in a very public forum. If ever I believe that what I wish to offer is not for "public" consumption, I would communicate with a member via our Private Message (PM) function. One of the most valuable aspects of these forums, I believe, is that when one member raises a concern and one (or more) of us responds, then everyone reading the exchange can benefit from the same information. So I am pleased to know that whatever I said to Maylissa has resonance for you as well, and I hope for others, too. That said, I wonder if you've ever considered consulting an animal communicator, or doing some reading about the subject of animals and the afterlife, as a way of addressing your concerns for Tawny's welfare? If you're interested in pursuing these topics, you might find some of these resources helpful ~ and I'm sure Maylissa and others have favorites that they can also recommend: Sorting It Out: Spiritual Beliefs about Death and the Afterlife Blessing the Bridge Animals in Our Hearts Animals and the Afterlife Dogs Have Souls, Too Do Pets Go to Heaven? Do Pets Go to Heaven? God's Messengers: What Animals Teach Us about the Divine Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying, and Beyond You might find this article of interest as well: Can Losing a Pet Feel Worse than Losing a Relative?

Maylissa, dear ~ The photo of you and your darling girl is just adorable, and a perfect representation of your very special relationship with each other. What a treasure ~ and I’m so glad you put it here for all of us to see! You ask how I think you are doing, and based on what you’ve told us in your post, it seems to me that you are doing very well. I know that it’s a roller-coaster ride, I know you don’t like it, you’re sick of it and you want to get off ~ but that is not an option. All you can do is keep your seatbelt buckled, hold onto the sides, and stay in the car until the track levels out. The fact is that you are right where you need to be, Maylissa, and it simply does not matter that your experience of loss seems so different from everyone else’s ~ that is only because it’s true! Your story IS different, your attachment to Nissa IS different, your personality IS different, and your coping style IS different from everyone else’s ~ in this vast universe, that’s what makes Nissa so special, and that’s what makes you so uniquely who you are! It’s good to read about what works for other people, because you might find something that works for you, too ~ something that you may not have considered otherwise ~ but even then, you still must do whatever it is in your own unique way. As the saying goes, you have to take it all, chaff and grain together, then you sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and blow the rest away Let’s take a look at what I would consider the specific and very positive steps you’re taking. Even though you’re “constantly having to rebook,” you’re still seeing your therapist on a regular basis. Even though “the length of time this might take is really bothering me,” you’re consciously and deliberately letting your grief run its course, however long it takes, because you know it’s necessary. Even though you injured yourself, you’ve still been trying to exercise more, and you’re still determined to “get in better shape” so you can participate in all the activities you’ve planned for the summer because it’s a MUST DO! Even though you know you’re not quite ready yet, even though you “still can’t even begin to contemplate a world without [Nissa] here,” you still realize that many things must be different with you and your lifestyle; you recognize the need to “take out the unhealthier aspects” in your life, and you’re still taking concrete steps to relearn and rebuild your world as it exists for you now, by •Re-establishing and developing a close, satisfying, and supportive relationship with a past friend •Letting go of unhealthy relationships with so-called friends who only added to your pain •Planning a trip this summer with lots of activities included •Pursuing special interests that may lead to a new career or a new direction in your life ~ by taking a class in animal communication, looking into energy healing, and attending a Spirtualist church Even though you’re “postponing the hardest things” and “avoiding the most painful parts” by not completing your plans for memorializing Nissa, you’re still able to state what you intend to do, and you will do it when you are ready to do it! After my beloved Muffin died, Maylissa, three years passed before I could so much as tell the story of his life and tragic, accidental death ~ and even then it wasn’t planned! I happened to be taking a creative writing class, and one of our assignments was to write a description of an important person who’d had a great impact on our lives. For some unknown reason I felt a need to ask if that “person” could be a companion animal. The teacher was a little taken aback, but she said okay. I then wrote a piece about my cockapoo entitled Memories of Muffin, and I couldn’t even read it out loud to my classmates without sobbing when I got to the part about his dying. I didn’t know it at the time, but several years later that same piece was to become the introduction to my book, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet. And as you know, my totally unexpected and profound reaction to Muffin’s death ~ and what I subsequently learned from that ~ is what initially got me interested in the subject of pet loss and grief, and started me on my present career path. So you just never know where these major crises in life will lead you ~ much less how long it will take you to get there! I think it's telling that you won the draw for a free reading with the teacher of your animal communication class, and I cannot help but think that your precious Nissa had a paw in that! You say the other signs you’ve received from Nissa still aren’t the kinds you’ve been waiting and hoping for, and I’m reminded of something I read recently in Louis LaGrand’s wonderful new book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. On pages 119-121 he writes: Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors. You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions: •Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do? •What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.) •Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received? •Most important of all, did the experience bring peace? If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace. Maylissa, I am heartened by your progress, and I truly do believe that you are doing just fine. I am extremely proud of you.

My goodness, Maylissa, thank you again for taking the time to listen, and for your glowing review as well. We haven't heard from you for some time ~ Would you be willing to give us an update as to how you're doing?

On March 29, 2007, I was the featured guest on Nature's Translator with Tracy Ann, the weekly Contact Talk Radio program hosted by animal communicator and alternative healer Tracy Ann. The program is available for listening at Archives: Nature's Translator , under the date, 3/29/07. (Be prepared for a fairly lengthy introduction followed by a commercial message ~ but eventually the topic of pet loss is discussed! And you'll need to allow one hour to listen to the entire program.)

Dear Ones, I've noticed a tendency recently among several of our members who've been with us longer than others to feel as if they have nothing to offer when they cannot muster the energy to post and to "say something positive or helpful." I want to gently remind all of us that really, there is nothing that any of us can say that will take away the sorrow and the pain of loss ~ nobody understands and accepts that better than the precious people in these forums. We are not here to judge, or to rush, or to take anyone's grief away from them. What we can offer, however, is our presence. Each of you knows that what we want and need most from others is just for someone to be there with us in our pain . In that sense, we are helping one another, even if we simply come here to read each other's posts. Sometimes all we need to say is "I read your post and I'm here for you." If that is all we can do at any moment, let us acknowledge and celebrate that. Let us be grateful for the attentive silence we offer one another, and let it be enough.

Haley, my dear, you ask, how can i get through this what can I do please somebody give me advice. So many of our members have faced ~ or are about to face ~ the first-year anniversary of the death of their loved ones, and our forums are filled with specific ideas you can use to help you get through these difficult days. See, for example, the following posts: Feeling Down Memories Reawakening of Intense Feelings First Year Anniversary Is This Normal? Haley, while I do not think your reactions signal that you're "going nuts" or "going to have a nervous breakdown," I am concerned that you may not be getting sufficient help in dealing with your grief. I do think it's important that we acknowledge the limitations of a forum such as this, because sometimes our needs exceed the capacity of a Message Board to help ~ when a person is in danger of hurting oneself or another, for example, or when someone's anger is out of control, or when one's grief does not diminish in any way at all over an extended period of time. In such instances I would urge such individuals to seek professional help at once, so they can get the help they so desperately need and deserve. I believe with all my heart that grief counseling (both individually and in groups) and individual psychotherapy are among the most precious gifts we can choose to give to ourselves, and I know from my own experience that they can change our lives for the better. Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn't need you to depend upon, and will allow you to mourn without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you're feeling, and clarify your reactions. An effective grief counselor is knowledgeable about the grief process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief. As I have said to you in previous posts, Haley, I hope you will consider talking to someone about your grief as something to pursue. It's out there and available to you. You deserve it. And you are worth it.

My dear Derek, I’m sure you know from reading other posts in this forum that many people find death-date anniversaries difficult, since they serve as such potent reminders of all that we have lost. Keep in mind, however, that in many ways, this day will be no more (or less) difficult to get through than any other day you’ve had to face since Karen died. Anniversary dates are really no more than dates on a calendar, and they hold no more power over us than we are willing to give them. More often than not, many people find that the anticipation of the day is far worse than the actual day itself. Like everything else in grief, you can choose to deal with what you’re dreading by avoiding it all together, or by facing it head-on, holding the firm belief that you’ve made it through this far, and you will make it through this, too. (Some mourners decide to think of this first-year-anniversary date as an “expected event” that can be understood as a rite of passage, a turning point, or a marker for a change in attitude, setting you free from that very difficult first year.) I happen to think that the worst thing you can do is to let this day sneak up on you without planning for it ahead of time. I encourage you to develop some sort of strategy that includes a Plan A and a Plan B. Whatever you plan to do with the day is completely up to you (even if you plan intentionally to do nothing at all – but at least that is your plan). You might consider involving Carson in your plans – children this age can be so creative in their ideas! You could say to him, for example, that a very special day is coming up, a day of remembrance for Mommy, and the two of you need to think of some special things you can do to remember Mommy on that day. I want to share with you some lovely ideas offered by Harold Ivan Smith, a dear man, prolific writer, teacher, storyteller, grief counselor and teacher, who is often featured as the keynote speaker at national grief conferences and workshops. The following ideas come from a wonderful presentation he gave here in Phoenix last December: Borrow from a Jewish tradition called a yahrzeit (pronounced yard-site) ceremony, which is a ceremonial way of acknowledging the anniversary of a death. Some Jews go to a synagogue or temple to recite a prayer, but in addition, they remind themselves of the loved one who has died by burning a 24-hour-candle in the hours leading up to the anniversary. (Yahrzeit memorial candles are sold in Jewish religious supply stores, but you can also find them in the Kosher section of the grocery store. They’re encased in metal, they cost less than a dollar, and they burn for 26 hours. If you’re concerned about leaving a candle burning overnight or when you’re not in the room, Harold Ivan suggests that you place the candle in water in the kitchen sink.) Write a letter to your beloved, beginning with how you’ve been doing since her death. Then, •Write about what you miss most •Write about any regrets you have in your relationship •Write anything you wish you had said prior to the death •Write what you wish you your loved one had said to you •Describe how you are coping, what makes you laugh and cry now •Close with any personal message you would like to include •Describe one of your favorite holiday / special day memories Take the letter you write to your loved one’s grave site (or some other special place) to be read aloud, then burn it in your fireplace or BBQ grill. Then, write a letter from your loved one back to you. Ask yourself, How would she answer you? Fold her letter into a small enough size that when you put it into a box it will rattle. Then wrap it as a gift and, when you need it, rattle it – so you’ll know it’s a gift from your beloved. Arrange for Jews to say Kaddish (e.g., Say Kaddish is an online service that arranges Kaddish to be said, according to tradition, on behalf of whomever you choose, at www.saykaddish.com Symbolize - Light a candle for hope, for remembrance (You can do so online, at Light a Candle ~ Online Memorial Ritual) Other ideas that can be used (on birthdays and holidays, too): •Send off balloons •Set a place at the table for your loved one that day •Light a special candle and share a memory of the person •Tell stories of the person; invite others to do this before a meal, before gift-opening, etc. •Sing, listen to a favorite song about the deceased •Create an ornament to hang on a tree, a wreath or the wall •Visit a special place that holds memories of your loved one; if you cannot tolerate staying for an entire meal, go for coffee or dessert •Write a letter to your loved one. Consider reading it to someone else •Create a Web site to honor your loved one. (You can ask the family computer “nerd” to do this for you) •Buy your loved one a present and donate it to a charity, as “a gift from [the person who died]” •Make your loved one’s favorite meal or dessert •Plant a tree, bush, or flower •Say a special prayer •Make a quilt with the clothing of your loved one •Change old traditions and begin new ones •Place a memoriam notice in the newspaper •Burn a CD of your loved one’s favorite music •Sponsor a cultural event during the season in your loved one’s name •Create a memory book •Donate to / volunteer for a special cause in your loved one’s name •Find a way to give something to someone else •Celebrate as you can – not as you can’t!

She is indeed a beauty, Steve ~ thank you so much for sharing these pictures with us. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to let Montoya go, but I'm sure she somehow knew that it was your final act of love for her. Have you thought of what you and your family might do to memorialize Montoya? I offer the following articles, in hopes that they will bring you some small measure of comfort: Funerals for Pets? Memorializing a Cherished Pet Rainbow Bridge Where Do We Go from Here? The Journey Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

This thought provoking article comes to us from Nan Zastrow, author of the book, Blessed Are They That Mourn, and over thirty Editor's Journal Articles in Wings and other publications. On April 16, 1993, Nan's son Chad died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later, Chad's fiancee took her life. This double tragedy inspired Nan and her husband Gary to create a ministry of hope. For ten years, Nan published the Wings magazine for the bereaved and caregivers. In 2004, the Wings Organization refocused its efforts as a grief education ministry with the purpose of "Honoring the Past and Rebuilding the Future." Nan is a regular contributor to Grief Digest Magazine. This article appears in the January 2007 issue, and is offered here with Nan's permission: There is a personal power, born from hope, that is far greater than any we could manufacture or harness in any living beast. The potential and the accomplishments of ordinary people in uncertain situations are transformed and hope becomes the "possible dream." Read more in the attached pdf file . . . CanaHorseReallyFly.pdf

Bless you, Maylissa, for your vigilance, and for bringing this to our attention.

Good for you, Annie! We are all so very proud of you

Steve, you have found your way to a very supportive and compassionate group of animal lovers, not unlike yourself. We are so very sorry for the reasons that brought you to us, but we welcome you with open arms, and we promise we will walk beside you as you face whatever lies ahead. You are not alone.

Janine, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved grandmother, and I join with all our GH members in sending my hearfelt condolences to you and your family. I hope you will take comfort in knowing that you gave your grandmother the most precious gift of your presence, bearing witness as she exchanged her earthly address for a heavenly one. You are being held in gentle thought and prayer by all of us. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Annette, you've asked a very important question: What exactly is this work I'm supposed to be doing? I'd like to refer you to another post that addresses the very same question, in hopes that it may clarify: Wondering Where the Light Is

Linda, dear, You said, I dont know what to do .......I dont know where to put all these emotions im feeling, I dont want to lose the grief because I think I feel thats all I have left ........... i dont have memories nor signs ........I feel such a selfish individual .......... does any of this make sense.....is this normal.........................thankyou for allowing me to use this as a sounding board If you take the time to read any of the threads in our forums, I think you will come to find that everything you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing is indeed "normal," that what you are telling us makes perfect sense, and that you are NOT being "selfish." By coming here, you've already found a place to put some of what you are feeling, and by reading others' stories, you will continue to learn more about what is normal in grief. I hope at some point you'll also consider talking to a grief counselor or participating in an "in person" grief support group. It sounds as if until now, you've not found a place to take your grief and you've not had an opportunity to process what you are experiencing. The good news is that it's never too late to do this, and by coming here, you've taken a very important first step toward your own healing. Here are some additional threads that I think you may find especially relevant and helpful: John's Book List Still Going Nuts After 4 Months

My dear friend, I join with all the members of our Grief Healing family in offering my deepest sympathy for your losses, and I hope that you can feel our collective arms around you, even as we hold you in our hearts. You said that you dare not let go of your grief, because doing so is equivalent to saying that it’s okay that your parents have died. I want to assure you that here, in this warm and caring place, no one will take your grief away from you. This is your grief journey, and none of us can tell you how you should or should not be doing it. But if you let us, we will accompany you in your journey, so that you won’t have to travel this path all alone. You also said that you are “so frightened that I will forget, that people will forget.” I want to gently suggest to you that, even though your parents have died, the love that you share with them has not died. You are still their beloved daughter, and they are still your beloved Papa and Mama. That will always, always be so. Death may have ended their earthly lives, but it has not ended your relationship with them. Your relationship has changed, from loving them in their presence to loving them in their absence ~ but it certainly has not ended. Your Papa and Mama will continue to live in a special chamber in your heart and in your mind, just as long as you keep their memory alive. Sometimes in grief we make the mistake of measuring the depth of our love by the depth of our pain. We convince ourselves that letting go of the pain of loss is the same as letting go of our loved ones. You don’t want to let go of the pain because you’re afraid your parents will be forgotten, and of course you don’t want to forget them – ever. But there are many, many things you can do to ensure that your parents will be remembered, and to give testimony to your continued relationship with them. See, for example, Creating Personal Grief Rituals. In his lovely book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, Louis LaGrand offers the following suggestions for imprinting and maintaining powerful memories: Good memories can be powerful sources of comfort and joy. They can also be very real points of connection to deceased loved ones, because the significance, insight, and identity of the deceased grow through remembrance. In that way, remembrance practices can become an integral part of family life from generation to generation. Take an inventory of your inner self and recall the happy memories of love and belonging from your past, especially those involving your deceased loved one, and think of the wisdom and encouragement you gained. When you are ready, revisit special places, reread old letters, look over collected mementos, pictures, or scrapbooks, read something your loved one used to read, play some of your old favorite songs, think of a movie you watched together, or seek out friends and relatives who are willing to talk about memories of your loved one. Write down your most pleasing recollections, and then decide on a word or phrase that will bring those specific events into your consciousness whenever you need them. Start the habit of invoking those specific memories when you’re feeling low. Remember, reminiscing is healthy – not a way of living in the past, but rather a way of appreciating all you have experienced and accomplished. How do you take short-term memories and make them a permanent part of your long-term memory? The answer is repetition (which actually causes structural changes in the brain). We have a tendency to remember what we keep thinking about. Rely on memory aids: a picture, a glass, a golf ball, a special book. Almost anything can be a cue for remembering a person, a trip you enjoyed, a special gift you received, something that was left to you, or something you learned that will be forever cherished. [p. 168-169] It has been said that we can bear any sorrows if we put them into a story or tell a story about them. I hope you will use this forum to share stories of your parents. Tell us more about them, and what was so special about each of them. We are here, we care, and we are ready to listen. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Laura, It's so important to understand and appreciate the profound impact of the early loss of a parent, and you've endured that and so much more. I think you might find this post helpful, and I hope you will follow some of the links suggested there: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...3702entry3702 See also: Grieving the Death of a Parent

Dear Dan's Lady, We're so very sorry to learn of your beloved Katie's failing health, and can only imagine how very difficult it is for you to face what lies ahead. We cannot change your circumstances, but we can assure you that you are not alone. You have found your way to one of the most caring, compassionate groups of animal lovers you will find anywhere, and we pledge our companionship and support to you throughout this difficult journey. If you haven't already done so, please pay a visit to my Grief Healing Web site, and see especially these articles: Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? Anticipatory Grief Thinking It Through Euthanasia: The Merciful Release Blessing the Bridge The Fourth Day I know that you are making the most of the time you have left with Katie, even as you create the precious memories that will sustain you in the weeks and months ahead. Remember, too, that the bond you have with Katie is much stronger than death. Love does not die, and she will be with you forever in your heart.

Dear Ones, As you have observed, death has a way of forcing us to confront the big questions that get at the heart and very meaning of life. When a cherished loved one dies, all our spiritual doubts and questions come to the surface, and we may find ourselves confronting – and questioning, and re-thinking – some of our most basic beliefs about God, religion, death, the meaning of life, and the existence of an afterlife. This is the beginning of our spiritual journey through grief, the essential heart and soul work, the important “search for meaning,” as we struggle to sort out, understand and make some sense of what has happened to us. In Companioning the Bereaved: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers, Alan Wolfelt notes that in our modern Western culture, people “tend to travel through life believing that the world is essentially a nice place in which to live, that life is mostly fair, and that they are basically good people who deserve to have good things happen to them.” But when a death happens – especially one that is unexpected, untimely, or tragic, “the pain and suffering that result undermine these beliefs and can make it very difficult to continue living this happy life. The death can have overwhelming impact as the mourner may lose faith in his basic beliefs about the world being benevolent and fair. The result is that through the search for meaning, pain and suffering are intensified." [p. 176] When a loved one dies, we often feel “singled out,” as if God has personally selected us, and only us, to experience this tragedy. We may know intellectually that loss is a natural part of life, but still, it is only human to think of natural disasters, tragedies, accidents, death and loss as something that happens to others, not to us. Unfortunately, however, the sad reality is that ours is a mortal, frail, and imperfect world. Tragedies do occur – and there is no immunity from loss. Louis LaGrand, a leader in the field of grief counseling and known worldwide for his research into the afterlife experiences of the bereaved, writes in his latest book about the inevitability of loss: Whenever I give a lecture or workshop on grief or coping with the death of a loved one, I usually begin with an insightful Chinese proverb well-known in the grief literature. “You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.” The proverb points out two extremely important concepts. The first: All relationships end in separation, divorce, disagreement, incarceration, or relocation, to name a few causes. And “the birds of sorrow” will fly over your head and reappear throughout life. Bad things happen to all of us; brokenness permeates life, which is unpredictable and at times unfair. As many therapists tell their clients, “the problem with fairness is that it doesn’t exist.” Nothing you can do can give you immunity to the loss of loved ones. There are no exemptions: Everyone dies and walks through the doorway of death. It follows that grief and suffering are forever part of the human condition. – Louis LaGrand, in Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved, © 2006 by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., Berkley Books, New York, pp. 59-60 Charlotte Mathes is a psychologist who lost her half-brother to suicide when she was just 19, and her own grown son Duncan “first to schizophrenia, then to suicide.” In her extraordinary book, And a Sword Shall Pierce Your Heart: Moving from Despair to Meaning after the Death of a Child, she confronts some of the very questions you have raised. For example, If God is all good and all powerful, then why does He allow suffering and evil in the world? Charlotte writes, We must grant again that human suffering necessarily troubles believers in monotheistic religions that view God as omnipotent, omniscient, and all good. If a benevolent God has complete control, then why indeed do suffering and evil exist? Rational explanations either see God’s power as limited, or suppose the existence of evil to be only the absence of good, or hold that evil exists to allow humans to have free choice. Hinduism says that “evil” results from faulty perception, our low level of consciousness making us unable to see everything as a manifestation of God. The Buddhists, on the other hand, maintain that suffering results from attachment and desire. In his book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Harold Kushner says, “God can’t do everything.” By thus limiting God’s power, we will understand that He is not responsible for life’s tragedies. Monotheistic critics see this concept as contrary to traditional doctrine: they cannot conceive God hasn’t complete control. Accordingly, some believe our sinfulness brings about pain and suffering. Others maintain that if all went well in life, having no need for God, we would not seek Him. Others say that God suffers with us, for He sent His son to a human death. In the stories of Jacob and Job, however, we find another answer. By undergoing the struggle of wrestling with the angel, Jacob came to see God face to face. Through his travail and questioning, Job, too, was finally able to see God. Both stories show that finding God is an individual and experiential quest, one that changes our psyches in ways beyond rational explanation. To advance the search, we must all shine the bright light of fact upon our feelings of entitlement. None of us is immune to the darker powers erupting from within and without. Each night on our television screen we see how they inflict suffering on others. War, disease, natural disaster, hunger, and violence are massive killers of the world’s children. Why did we feel we would go through life unharmed? A mother in mourning for her dead child is one sufferer in the human family. [p. 174] In Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing, author and bereaved mother Lorraine Ash vividly describes how she eventually gave up her belief in an all powerful God: I could not allow myself to ponder what God was thinking, but I started from a place of trust – a lifetime steeped in Catholicism, which I often challenged but nevertheless always honored. I simply believed what St. Augustine said in the fourth century: Faith precedes understanding. I simply believed the Jesuit theologian Teilhard de Chardin when he wrote in Le Milieu Divin, “If we believe, then, everything is illuminated and takes shape around us: chance is seen to be order, success assumes an incorruptible plenitude, suffering becomes a visit and caress of God.” These age-old luminaries were helping me through my grief. Instinctively, I believed what they wrote. I did not know, of course, whether they were right. Such things are unknowable, I told myself, and human tragedy does nothing to lift the veil of mystery between heaven and earth. But it did me good to contemplate my beliefs. In that contemplation lay one of the greatest gifts my daughter’s life brought to me – a clearer view of life and myself that seemed to explain how terrible things like Victoria’s stillbirth could happen in God’s creation . . . In the course of my reading, slowly I chose to give up the belief that God was all-powerful. Instead, I chose to believe God was hard put to stop the death of Victoria, a pure and innocent soul. What, then, were Victoria and I and God powerless against? Could it be nature? Granted, God created nature, but the nature He created is inherently unpredictable and hardly benign. Nature is ruled by laws implicit with danger. Take gravity, for example. Gravity is a good thing. It ensures that everything on earth stays down in its place. However, as [Rabbi Harold] Kushner explained: "Gravity makes objects fall. Sometimes they fall on people and hurt them. Sometimes gravity makes people fall off mountains and out of windows. Sometimes gravity makes people slip on ice or sink under water. We could not live without gravity, but that means we have to live with the dangers it causes. Laws of nature treat everyone alike." One of the first good laughs I had after Victoria’s death was while reading Kushner’s book. I imagined God as an old rabbi in the sky throwing up both his hands, “What? I have a whole world here to make go. You could do better?” I relaxed after that. I had found a rational way to support my belief in God. I had found a way to be angry at what happened to me without being angry at God. [pp. 52-54] In his informative book, Grievers Ask: Answers to Questions about Death and Loss, Harold Ivan Smith addresses the question, “Where was God when my son died?” In this passage, he quotes theologian William Sloane Coffin, Jr. following the drowning death of his son Alexander: The one thing that should never be said when someone dies is, ‘It is God’s will.’ Never do we know enough to say that. My own condition lies in knowing that it was not the will of God that [let] Alex die; that when the waves closed over the sinking car, God’s heart was the first of all our hearts to break. [p.41] At one time or another, I suspect we’ve all asked questions such as,“Why me?” and “Why now?” The simple truth is that, when a significant loss like this occurs, there aren’t any satisfactory answers – but it’s still important for us to ask – and discuss – the questions! And it’s good to know that here in these forums, we all have a safe place where we can puzzle with one another about such things. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T P. S. You might also find this thread helpful: Adjusting but nothing changes