MartyT

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Ellen, dear, it's a joy to hear from you every time you post. You are in our hearts, and we wish you continued peace and healing.

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Oh Teny, your work is exquisite. My prayer for you is that you will continue to use your artistic talents to express and work through your grief, and that your unique and beautiful creations will become for you a tangible tribute to honor your beloved. Thank you so much for giving us a window into this very special place in your heart.

Dear Ones, This came to me as a Private Message from Spela, with her request that it be posted "on the forum (on some appropriate place)": I don't know where to post this ... Croatia mourns 8 firefighters who died in a wildwire on Kornati islands. http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2007/09/03/...irefighters.php Today another firefighter, 23 years old, died in hospital. His father and his brother were also killed in that fire. I didn't know any of them, however, it's my neughbour country and I know the area and sometimes spend my holidays there. Readers may be interested in some of the resources listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. See especially: Dealing with Sudden, Accidental, or Traumatic Death Coping with Public Tragedy National Fallen Firefighters Foundation Article: To Firefighters from a Firefighter

Dear Ones, See also: Losing a Spouse Is Not the Same as Losing a Parent

Poco, see: Light a Candle

Dear Duke, No, you've done nothing wrong, and you are most welcome to post in any of the forums on this site. Since you are fairly new to our family, however, you may find that it will take a little while for some of our members to get to know you, especially if your particular loss (death of a parent) is different from theirs (death of a spouse) and they've not had a chance to read your posts in another forum. Not every member reads every post in every forum (although, as the moderator for this entire site, I feel a special responsibility to do so). I've read the exchange between you and Suzanne earlier this evening (in Need Some Friends Right Now). Because I'd already "met" you in your earlier post last night (in Need a Little Help), I reacted to your post quite differently from how Suzanne experienced it the first time she read it ~ but in your subsequent posts to each other, it appears to me as if you've both cleared up any misunderstandings between yourselves. I hope this answers, and puts your concerns to rest. The last thing you need right now is one more thing to feel guilty about ~ am I right?!

Excellent idea, Kay ~ and your links work just fine!

My dear Duke, As I read your heartbreaking story, several thoughts come to mind. First, I join with all the other members of our Grief Healing family in expressing my deepest sympathy to you and your sister for the death of your mother, and I cannot imagine the depth of your loss. I’m so very sorry. Next, I agree completely with Annie’s observation that the reason you’re “curiously bereft of feeling” is because you’re still in that initial state of shock and numbness that most of us feel in the aftermath of an unexpected and catastrophic loss. It’s a defense mechanism, and it is normal and healthy, because it is Nature’s way of protecting you from the full force of a reality that everything in you does not want to accept. Think of it this way: There is no denying that your mother is dead, and certainly you are not denying that fact ~ but it is a reality that you must take in and swallow gradually, in smaller bites, to prevent yourself from choking on it, and it is something you must digest over time, as your mind and body gradually adjust to it. Grief is not a single event in time, it is a process that takes place over time, and this loss of your mother will take days and months and even years for you to process. Eventually you will discover that grief happens on its own time frame, too ~ We cannot force it, we cannot skip it or avoid it, and we cannot hurry our way through it. It takes as long as it takes, and it is different for everybody. The guilt that you are feeling for whatever part you think you played in your mother’s death is real, and none of us here will try to take it away from you or try to talk you out of it. The simple fact is that guilt is a feeling, and you simply cannot control how you feel. You can, however, take a look at the guilt you are feeling and ask yourself whether it is justified. You say you’ve never mentioned to anyone what you’ve written here, Duke, and I suppose that means you’ve been carrying around this deep, dark secret that, if anyone found out the truth, they would know that you’re some sort of murderer. One of the advantages of sharing your secret here is that now you’ve acknowledged it, expressed it, and exposed it to the light of day, where others of us can help you look at it more objectively. This can help to relieve you of an enormous burden. Let me assure you that you are not a murderer, you did not kill your mother, and just because you are feeling guilty about the circumstances surrounding your mother’s death, it does not mean that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. There simply was no way for you to know that your mother had not been taking her insulin regularly; that was discovered after the fact. Her death was caused by her disease, not by you. Nevertheless, you are left with all this guilt, and what are you supposed to do with it? I think it helps to know that feelings are not always rational, and they’re not always justified ~ they just are, and one of the best ways to figure out what they mean is to discuss them openly with others ~ others who will listen objectively and not pass judgment on you. Sometimes when we are mourning the death of a loved one, it’s hard to know exactly what we are feeling, because grief is so foreign and confusing and frightening, especially if we’ve had no prior experience with it – and so it helps tremendously to talk with someone who will help us identify and sort through all of our reactions. It also helps to know something about normal grief, because so many of a human being’s reactions to loss are typical and therefore predictable, which means we can anticipate many of those reactions and learn from others how to manage them, at least to some extent. How do you learn about normal grief? By reading articles and books about grief, by participating in an online discussion group like this one (which exposes you to others who automatically understand what you’re going through because they’re in mourning, too, and their reactions are similar to yours), by being with other young adults your age who’ve suffered the death of a parent (such as in an “in person” support group), and by talking with a grief counselor. I also agree with Shell and Annie that dealing with your grief at the death of your mother should be your number one priority now. We often say here that grief work is some of the hardest work you’ll ever have to do, and it requires an enormous amount of energy ~ which leaves precious little left over for something as major as your first semester as a college student. Your thinking about dropping out for a semester makes sense to me under the circumstances, and I encourage you to find someone you trust with whom you can talk this over. Your grandfather may not be the most objective person to discuss this with right now. Keep in mind that, much as you love your grandfather, he is in mourning too, and each of you has suffered a different loss. You have lost your mother (and your aunt), but he is mourning the death of his adult daughter (and his sister, too) and he may be feeling overly responsible for you and your sister’s future. You in turn are feeling ovely responsible for and protective toward your sister and your grandfather. As you say, you’ve been concentrating all your energy on not upsetting either one of them ~ but the best way you can help them with their grief, Duke, is to take care of your own grief, first. You’ve taken the first step by coming to this site and sharing your story with us. That took a tremendous amount of courage, and it tells me that you are a good, decent, honest young man ~ and you have everything you need inside of you to survive this. You are not alone. You will make it through this, and we will be here to walk beside you as you do. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Well said, dear ones. And having been blessed with your first loves, you've also learned what true love is. We human beings have an infinite capacity to love, and if we are open to it and willing to risk it, we can one day find room in our hearts to love another ~ precisely because we've learned what true love is, so we will know it and recognize it if and when we are fortunate to find it again with someone new. Think of how many people go through life never having been blessed with finding a true soul mate, never even knowing what true love is, or even recognizing it when it may be right there in front of them . . .

Ah, my dear Wendy, you are absolutely right: It's not fair, and that is the harsh reality that none of us wants, but all must face. You might find this article helpful: It's Not Fair

Yes, Derek, it's true ~ I've often thought that from the very beginning, the material written on this site is absolutely priceless, for so many reasons ~ and it is each and every member of our GH family who continues to make it so.

Teny, dear ~ We know it's hard for you to carry on ~ the hardest thing you've ever done ~ but as you can see, you are not alone in this journey. We are here, walking right beside you, and certainly you are in our prayers. To all the other voices from our GH family being sent Heavenward on your behalf right now, I can only add, AMEN.

Erica, dear ~ You said, I have been reading about a link between letting Walter go/ releasing him and realising that he will not be forgotten or loved less if I release him. What are your feelings/ thoughts on this? I feel that I have accepted his death , and even prayed several prayers of release, and I know and believe that I will always love him, why then is my grief still so shattering at times? its almost like the writer was saying If I release him, my grief will be shortened/ resolved? I think you may find the posts in this entire thread helpful: Saying Goodbye

Sarah, dear ~ You'll find other posts dealing with the topic of grief dreams here: Strange Dreams about Death Will I See Her Again? Sleeping Troubles, Nightmares Mystical Experiences

My dear Lori, Trust me, you are not whining. You are doing what we all do as we look back at what we wish we would have, could have, should have done differently when our loved one died. When my own precious mother died several years ago (in a nursing home!), my sister and I didn't know anything about hospice or palliative care. Now, several years later, here I am a hospice bereavement counselor! Can you imagine how often I think to myself, If only! If only I had known then what I know now! But Lori, this is what I do know: My sister and I did the best we could with what we knew at the time, and it was only afterward that I began to search, and read, and learn everything I could about what, if anything, we could have done differently. The way my dear mother died is probably one of the primary motivators that set me on my present career path ~ at least, that is how I choose to look at it. By companioning others in dying, death and bereavement, I feel as if I am honoring my dear mother, and I hope that I am also making up for all the ways I may have failed her when she died. If I can say to my sister and myself that we did the best we could and we must forgive ourselves for what we didn't know to do, then I know that wherever she is, my mother is saying that to me, as well. I hope that if you listen carefully enough, one day you will hear your own mother saying that to you, too.

Dear Kim, I'm so sorry to learn not only of the death of your beloved husband (as if that in itself weren't enough), but also of all the difficulties you're having with some of his family members. Since your husband was a patient on HOV's service, you will be getting a call from one of our Bereavement Counselors very soon (if you haven't already) explaining all the services we offer, including in-person support groups, short-term individual bereavement counseling, bimonthly newsletters, access to our lending library, periodic telephone follow-up visits with one of our volunteers, etc. In addition, simply by coming to this Web site, I think you've already discovered that you've found your way to one of the most caring, compassionate group of people you will find anywhere. You asked, "Does anyone know of any support groups in Phoenix,AZ or Glendale,AZ?" You will find a schedule of all the "in person" support groups sponsored by Hospice of the Valley here: Hospice of the Valley Bereavement Services (Once on the site, click on the link entitled Hospice of the Valley Grief Support Groups.) In addition, you can always contact the HOV Bereavement Office by phone for a referral to a group that fits your schedule, even if it's not sponsored by HOV. Just telephone the office, at 602-530-6970, and someone there will be happy to help you. Be sure to see the articles, books and online resources listed on the Death of a Spouse or Partner page of my Grief Healing Web site as well. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Bless your heart, Ellen, and thank you so much for giving us an update.

My dear Maylissa ~ May I offer you some honest feedback? I do so only with the understanding that you are free to ignore completely what I am about to say, as I think you are healthy enough (and through our interactions on this site, I think we know each other well enough) that you can take whatever I say that is worth keeping, and throw the rest away. In your response to Terry’s lovely offer (an offer that she has made to you and only you, simply because she thinks you deserve it ~ how special is that?) you said, I don't dare get too 'excited' anymore if and when anyone reaches out to me because for this whole year I've been traveling in a seemingly endless loop of dashed hopes, broken promises and repetitive 'teases' of support from humans that never really come to fruition and that only serve to deplete and disappoint me, time after time. As I read this I found myself thinking, Good Heavens! Is she talking about me? Am I one of those she experiences as depleting and disappointing her, time after time? If so, maybe it’s safer for me not to say anything, for fear of making things worse! Maybe it’s better, certainly safer, if I just stay silent, and let someone else respond to this post. Obviously I put that thought aside, but it's worth noting that it came into my head nonetheless. As I read in your posts to Lori and to others of the depth of your pain and disappointment and despair, my heart just aches for you. Much as I want to reach out to you, however, I am aware sometimes of my own reluctance to do so, for fear of disappointing you, thereby making matters worse. It is interesting to me that the content of your posts often calls forth that reaction in me. I cannot help but wonder if others may be reacting to you in a similar way, which may help to explain why it so often feels to you as if no one really cares enough to be there for you in the way that you need them to be. Could it be that you are driving them away? As I read of your expectations of other people and how they’ve failed you, I cannot help but wonder if any of your fellow human beings could ever measure up to the very high (if not impossible) standards you have set for them. I understand that you do not expect of others anything you do not expect of yourself first, Maylissa, but that is precisely the point. It seems to me that the standards you set for yourself may be impossible to reach as well ~ and so you are always doomed to failure, just as all the rest of us are doomed if we try to offer any semblance of comfort or support to you. Even other animals, who are so unconditional in their love (and so much easier to love than human beings could ever be!), can never measure up to the impossibly high standards you have set for them, because they are not ~ and never can be ~ Sabin and Nissa. What would happen if you take what others have to give to you, and let it be enough? What would happen if you accepted other people (and kitties) as they are, and not as you wish they would be? What if you accepted yourself as you are, not as you wish you were, and let that be good enough? Maylissa, I offer these comments simply as something for you to ponder. If they don't seem to fit, please feel free to ignore everything else I’ve said, and just know that you are loved.

It did for me, Jan ~ thank you ever so much, and bless your sweet heart for sharing such a precious story! xoxox

Dear One, You may find the posts in this thread helpful: Grief and Atheism

Sarah, dear ~ Your anger is understandable, and perfectly normal under the circumstances, but you are not lost, and you are not alone. We are right here beside you. Unfortunately, I think the WARM place that Derek describes is a local program in Fort Worth, Texas (www.thewarmplace.org), so wonderful as it is, I'm not sure its services would be available to you here in Phoenix, Arizona. I don't know if anyone from our Bereavement Office has contacted you (if they haven't yet, they will soon), but I want to be sure you're aware of all the services that are available to you from Hospice of the Valley. Our support does not end with the death of your husband; in addition to these online Grief Healing Discussion Groups (which are here for as long as you need them), bereavement support is available to you at no cost for the next 13 months in the form of in-person grief support groups and / or short-term individual grief counseling. You will be receiving our bimonthly bereavement newsletter, In Touch, which contains helpful information as well as a list of all scheduled events. You are also most welcome to visit my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find additional information, comfort, and support. See especially my Child, Adocescent Grief page, which will point you to dozens of useful and informative articles, books, Web sites and other resources that will help you to help your children. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Lost, You might find these articles helpful: Creating Personal Grief Rituals Including Your Absent Loved One in Holiday Celebrations

Erica, dear, you may find these threads helpful and informative: The Hard Work of Grief Wondering Where the Light Is