MartyT

Dear Rebecca, I'm so sorry to learn of the difficulties your fiance is having since the death of his mother, but I want to applaud you for wanting to better understand what he may be going through so you can offer appropriate support. As you may know, a person in mourning can look awfully "crazy" to the rest of us, especially a few months after the death has happened, when that first wave of shock and disbelief wears off, and especially at this time of year, when it seems as if all the rest of the world is expected to be making merry. Sorrow can look a lot like "depression," but more often than not, what you're seeing is a very normal reaction to losing a loved one. From what you've stated in your message, it seems clear that your fiance is aware that he is having a problem with his grief, but since he isn't the one who is posting in this forum asking for help, it's difficult for me to evaluate this situation. I don't know your fiance and I don't know how he sees his own circumstances. Nevertheless, I will offer to you what I can. First, it's important to recognize that everyone grieves differently according to their age, gender, personality, culture, value system, past experience with loss, and available support. Grieving differs among members of the same family, as each person’s relationship with and attachment to the deceased family member varies. How anyone reacts to a death depends on how they’ve responded to other crises in their life; on what was lost when this death happened (not only the life of the person who died, but certain aspects of their own lives as well: their way of life; who they were in their relationship with that person and who they planned to be; their hopes and dreams for the future); on who died (spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent, relative, friend or other; how they lived together and what that person meant to them); on the person’s role in their family; on when the death occurred (at what point in their life cycle: theirs as well as that of the person who died); and on how (the circumstances surrounding the death, and how the death occurred). Also, when evaluating someone else's grief as normal or abnormal, we need to keep in mind that, although certain patterns and reactions are universal and fairly predictable, everyone's grief is as unique to that individual as his or her fingerprints. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no specific time frame. Some folks experience grief in primarily emotional ways, having all sorts of feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness or loneliness. Others react in physical ways, feeling a need to keep busy as a way of handling the unpleasant feelings of grief. Neither way is right or wrong; they are just different from each other. In general (and please understand that I am only generalizing here) men express their grief in a masculine rather than in a feminine way, which often leads women to assume that they are not grieving at all. For example, a woman may take a man's silence as a sign of disinterest or lack of concern. Used to being in the role of strong protector and capable provider, a man may be afraid to share his grief for fear of embarrassment or of giving others the impression he is weak or otherwise incapable of "handling it". Your fiance's responses aren't necessarily unhealthy; they may be perfectly understandable and normal under the circumstances in which he finds himself. If you feel comfortable in doing so, you can gently inquire whether your fiance thinks he is making any progress in coming to terms with this particular loss, and if not, has he ever considered talking to someone about it and the effect it may be having on him now. I also think it would be helpful for you yourself to learn all you can about normal grief and what resources are "out there" and available. I don't know where you live, but I can tell you that most cities and towns have all sorts of places and people waiting to help with grief. You might consider calling your local library, mental health association, mortuary, church, synagogue or mosque to see what other resources are available. Many organizations nowadays offer bereavement support groups (at no cost) as well as individual bereavement counseling. I think what's important here is not that you try to assume the role of grief counselor yourself, but rather that you make yourself aware of what bereavement resources are available, so you're armed with that information when you approach your fiance on the subject. Whether he decides to take advantage of those resources is really up to him, but certainly you can go so far as to help him find out what and where they are. You might also try spending some more time on the various pages of my Grief Healing Web site, especially on my Articles and Books page. Scroll down the page till you come to the section labeled "Articles by Marty Related to Human Loss and Grieving" and follow the directions there. See also the articles listed on my Links page. You might also be interested in Tom Golden's WebHealing site, which focuses on male grief. Tom's book Swallowed By a Snake is excellent. Another outstanding book on this topic is Men Don't Cry . . . Women Do: Transcending Gender Stereotypes of Grief, by Terry Martin and Ken Doka. (These links will take you to Amazon's online description and reviews of each book. You are under no obligation to buy, and both books should be available through your local library. If they're not, you might ask your librarian to order them for you.) Take a look, too, at my site's Helping Someone Who's Grieving page. I've also written an on-line e-mail course which you might consider ordering for your fiance; you can get a sense of it at The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. Another alternative is to take the course yourself. Just knowing what normal grief looks like, knowing what to expect and knowing how to manage the typical reactions to it can be very, very helpful for you. Then, if and when the timing seems right, you can gently offer to share with your fiance some of the resources you yourself have discovered and explored (so you'll know why you're recommending them.) You might try printing out some of the articles that you find (or lessons in my course as they come to you via e-mail) and giving them to your fiance to read, along with a gentle comment such as, "I found this interesting article that shed some light on something I've been wondering about -- I thought maybe you'd be interested in it, too. Maybe we can talk about it together, after you've had a chance to read it." Be aware, however, that your fiance may not be open to or ready for your offers to help -- especially if he does not see that there is a problem here that requires your intervention in the first place. I don't know if what I've said offers you much help, Rebecca. Unfortunately, I don't think you can "fix" this for your fiance, but you certainly can learn more about it yourself so at least you can understand better what may be going on with him. You'll also be in a better position to encourage him to find the help that is available to him should he choose to seek it. I know it's difficult when you want to do something to make things better for someone you love, and you're not certain if they want or even need your help. Unfortunately, as a counselor I cannot force my help or unsolicited advice onto a person who does not seek it directly. As a matter of fact, I cannot force my ideas onto anyone who seeks my help, because all I would get in return is resistance. I simply cannot "make" someone else do what I think is best, regardless of how "right" I think I may be. Whatever you do, please know that I am thinking of you and your fiance, and I hope you'll find the help you both deserve. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Patti and Kay, thank you. I think it's so important that our members who are a bit further along on this journey occasionally make a point to reassure our newer members that, while the pain of loss never completely leaves us, the intensity of it does lessen over time. We can get so mired down in the hopelessness and despair of grief, and it's only those who've been there, who have the credibility of their own experience with loss, who can convince us that, if they can make it through this, then there is hope that with one another's help, compassion and companionship, the rest of us will make it, too. Bless you both for sharing that hope with us today.

Sent to us today by Love Never Dies author Sandy Goodman, who received it from Natalie Blakeslee: Balloons 4 Healing ProjectAs I was speaking by phone to Denise Platz, the bereaved mom of a precious son named Aaron, I realized that she was now living too far away to visit her son's grave. She had moved from the Fairview-Girard PA area to California. We spoke about the upcoming sixth anniversary of her son's passing. She had just visited home a couple of months earlier and couldn't come back again this soon. I asked myself how I could help her make the day less stressful for her, as she would be missing and grieving her child even more on that day. And so I told Denise, "You can still lay flowers, balloons, gifts, whatever you wish, at your son's grave. I would be more than happy to do it in your place." With her imagination as her only limitation, she was free to get her feelings out, knowing that someone who truly empathized would stand in for her and present her gifts to her son. She called a shop near my home and placed an order for the kinds and colors of flowers and balloons that she wanted, with a yellow rose accompanying her special note. On that Saturday I picked everything up and went to her son's gravesite. With Denise on the phone, Dr. Steve Hodack and I took pictures and made a video recording, as we released the balloons and placed the flowers on his grave. Scissors and markers were left behind the tree for any members of the family that might visit. As it rained, tears flowed. We shared stories of our children and I listened as she told me about Aaron. I had lost my eldest daughter Carrie almost a year earlier. It turned out that we were not only joined in our grief, but that our children had both passed from the same illness, leukemia. Dr. Steve ventured out in the rain one more time to grab a few photos, one of which included the gravestone of Denise's husband, which she hadn't yet seen. Her husband, Aaron's father, had passed just one year prior. We laid balloons at his grave with a note asking him to give Aaron a huge heaven hug for her. As we drove away from the cemetery, Dr. Steve said, "I think you have developed something here that could help bereaved parents all around the world." And this was the start of "Balloons 4 Healing". WE ARE MOMS HELPING MOMS THROUGH THE GRIEF.... "Keeping our child alive through the memories we share and the balloons and butterflies we release" is our slogan. Group Name: Balloons4Healing E-mail Address: Balloons4Healing@yahoogroups.com For information, please e-mail nataliemedium@adelphia.net

I think what I REALLY need is a way to find kindred spirits locally. A Guidebook for sourcing out like-minded people . . . And I'm not sure of this, but if you were suggesting that I might try to set up something myself like what Kara did?....I don't think I have that kind of energy or hope now. Maylissa, dear ~ I agree completely with your statement about needing to find kindred spirits. I also recognize that your energy is very low and you’re feeling quite hopeless right now. Given the fact that we’re in the midst of the holiday season, I know that this may not be the best time for you to be thinking, “Where do I go from here?” (You may be interested in reading the article I posted in my message to Starkiss earlier today: When There Is No Jingle in the Bells.) But by now I also know you well enough to recognize your many talents and skills. I have too much faith in you to believe that you will stay forever in this place of misery and despair and hopelessness, and I know the day will come when you’ll feel more ready to think about moving forward in your life. Clearly you’re an animal lover. Clearly you know a great deal about homeopathic medicine, both for people and for animals, and you care passionately about it. Clearly you understand the normal grief process, and repeatedly have demonstrated to all of us that you have a real gift for reaching out to others who are in mourning. These interests, talents and skills are the strengths that will become the foundation for your “new normal,” Maylissa, but only when you feel ready to tap into them and decide what you want to do with them. In the meantime, as Doug Manning says, give yourself permission to grieve, “for as long as it takes in any way that works . . . permission to do what you can do . . . permission to change traditions . . . permission to be where you need to be . . . permission to be with the ones who bring peace and comfort . . . When there is no jingle in the bells, don’t try to shake them until the jingle returns.”

My dear Ann, I'm so very sorry for your loss, and I cannot imagine how difficult all of this has been for you and your mother. At the same time, I think your mother is blessed to have you as her daughter, and I think, too, that regardless of what words were said or not said between you and your father, surely he knew from your actions how very much you loved him. Keep in mind that your love for your father, and his for you, did not die when his life here in this realm ended. Love is forever, and as long as you keep him there, you will always have a father-sized space in your heart for your dad. Please don't worry about what you are feeling or not feeling right now. Just let it be whatever it needs to be ~ and know that you are not alone. We are right here walking beside you as you find your way through this. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Shelley, dear ~ In response to your concerns, a wonderful article by Doug Manning that I hope will help you and others, as we all struggle with the difficult days ahead: When There Is No Jingle in the Bellsby Doug Manning It was all she could do to open the door and walk into the party. Her husband, Charles, had died a few months before, and now she found herself going to an office Christmas party she could not find a way to avoid. Mary and Charles had built the company together, and now the whole burden was on her shoulders. She did not want her grief to rob the employees of their annual party, which had always been one of the highlights of the year. The employees always brought their families along, so this became a time of bonding together. There were always toys for the children, good food and entertainment. Mary could hardly stand the thought of not attending such an event, but she could not stand the idea of canceling either. The party would be a crushing reminder that Charles was no longer here and would never be here for these events. The joy the party would bring seemed to make light of his death. Laughing and having a good time seemed totally out of place and somehow wrong. She drove to the party, full of dread and anger, but she went. The first person she met as she walked in the door was her pastor. He was a fixture at these events and was invited as usual. He grabbed her hand and said, “Mary, the secret is just to be happy.” She rightly thought that was one of the worst platitudes she had ever heard, but she smiled and said nothing. Then she met the pastor’s wife who said, “Mary I know this is a hard time for you, but doesn’t it give you great comfort to know that Charles will be spending this Christmas with Jesus?” Mary, the dedicated church pianist, heard herself scream, “No! He should be spending it with me!” She still blushes when she tells the story, but there is a hint of pride in her voice even as she blushes. That was exactly what she should have said. The holidays can be a very difficult time for people in grief, and it usually comes as a complete surprise. No one expects these times of family traditions, fun and celebration to become times of deep grieving and depression. No one expects the holidays to become a source of intense pressure and family conflict. Even when these facts are expressed, the family usually has a hard time believing them to be true. They may think you need the holidays more this year than ever. You seem sad, so the logical thing is to find ways to “cheer you up.” What better way than a family gathering to celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah? So the family begins to pressure, and you begin to react. To celebrate a holiday may seem to trivialize your grief right at the time when every part of your being is dedicated to establishing the significance of the life and the loss of your loved one. You want to talk about what your loved one meant to you. You want to inventory and discuss what the loss will mean in your life. You want to hear how much your loved one meant to others. For the holidays to go on just like nothing happened cuts deeply into this need. The first time you laugh, you may feel a surge of guilt well up and think, How dare I laugh when my loved one is gone. Those same feelings are brought on in a constant stream by the growing rush toward the coming holidays. Everything else is supposed to take a back seat. All other emotions are supposed to go away. It is holiday time, and that is all that matters. But that is not all that matters to you. The holidays are meant to create joy and family unity, but now they can create great divisions. The family may want the holidays to go on just like they always have. The traditions each family observes become deeply set and hard to change. The family may feel it is time for you to “get on with your life.” They may not realize that the traditions must change, and they can never be the same again. For example, if the stockings were always hung on the fireplace and a child in the family dies, what is to be done with the stockings this Christmas? Should they all be hung, and everyone just pretends the child is still there? Should all but one be hung, and let the blank space serve as a constant reminder of the loss? If the stockings are a family tradition, the family may almost insist that they be hung. If they are not hung, the family will feel a sense of loss, and Christmas will not be the same. So the dilemma grows. These conflicts are present at all the holidays, not just Christmas. The celebration of Hanukkah, Thanksgiving, Easter, Yom Kippur, Valentine’s Day and any anniversary of birth or death is likely to create these kinds of family tensions. The hardest part of the holidays is the demand placed on those in grief. Suddenly you are faced with the need for emotions you do not have. All of your emotional strength is vested in getting through each day as it comes; there are no reserves left for feeling joy or thanksgiving. You don’t want to be the Grinch that stole the holiday, but there is no jingle in your bells, and a one-horse open sleigh sounds cold. There are no emotions left for much fun. The holidays demand a focus you cannot give. Grief brings on times when your mind “browns out.” You can’t concentrate on anything for very long. How then can you think through all of the things that go into a holiday season? The key word in grief is permission. When you boil down all of the speeches, books, and seminars on grief, they all come down to the one essential element of finding permission to grieve. There are no magic words to be said. There are no magic people to take away the pain. It all comes down to giving yourself permission to grieve as long as necessary in any way that works, and finding that same permission from family and friends. The holidays are no different. The best advice you can ever find is to give yourself permission. The best advice for your friends is to step back and let it happen. It might be a great help if you asked your family and friends to read this article. If they don’t know of the need for permission, they are not likely to grant it. You need permission to do what you can do. I suggest that you make a list of what you think you can do and what you want to do for each holiday. If you have always cooked the turkey for Thanksgiving dinner, you should be free to decide if that is what you want to do this year. If so, fine. If not, then inform the family of what you want to do, and stick by your plans. You need the permission to change traditions. Many families find healing in new traditions built around the memories of a life. My grandson was born on Christmas Eve and died on Christmas Day. In the seven years since his death, we have built a new tradition into our Christmas. Just before the gifts are opened, we light a candle in honor of Isaac Burns. As the years have passed, the other grandchildren have picked up on this tradition and now remind me to get the candle ready, and one of them will ask for the privilege of lighting the candle. Find a new way to remember the life that now lives in the family memories. You need permission to be where you need to be. The son of one of my former employees died by suicide. The first Christmas her immediate family went to Disney World. The extended family put on unbelievable pressure saying, “We need you here this year more than ever,” but she stood her ground. She knew she was not ready for this family experience, and she had enough courage to withstand the pressure to go where she felt safe. It is not possible for every family to go to Disney World, but you should be free to be where you are comfortable. If that is home alone, then be home alone. It must be your call. You need permission to be with the ones who bring peace and comfort. This is tricky, because it may sound to the family as if others bring comfort, and they do not. Grief needs safe people and safe places. There is no explanation for why some people feel safe and others do not. Very often your best friends will not be the ones you want to be with during your grief. Often your family will not be the ones either. The friends and family have not done anything wrong and neither have you. There will just be some people that, for some reason, feel good during the hurt. The holidays are a good time to be with those folks. That is not rude or selfish, that is simply getting through some especially tough days. The day will come when old friends and family will feel as comfortable as an old shoe. Until then, feel free to be with the old shoes you are wearing. When there is no jingle in the bells, don’t try to shake them until the jingle returns. By Doug Manning, in Bereavement Magazine, November/December 2001, Bereavement Publications, Inc, (888) 60-4HOPE (4673), grief@bereavementmag.com. Reprinted with permission of the publisher. Visit Doug Manning’s Web site, Insight Books, at http://www.insightbooks.com/DougManning.aspx

Shelley, dear ~ You said, I wish I had some idea of how to handle what is happening to me now ... I wish some how that there was so class or workshop set up with different ways to deal with grief for example having different role play situations... Nowadays many hospices, funeral homes, places of worship, and bereavement organizations offer groups, classes and workshops for those in mourning, most especially during the holidays. If transportation is still an issue for you, there is always the Internet, where grief support and information are as close as your computer keyboard. I think you already know that the Links page on our GriefHealing Web site is a wonderful place to start. Perhaps if we had a better idea of what is happening to you, or the specific situation you're struggling with, our members would be in a better position to offer some suggestions.

Maylissa, dear ~ I am reminded of a line by David Kessler (nationally recognized leader in the field of hospice and palliative care, who co-authored with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross the book,On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through The Five Stages of Loss) which he shared during a presentation on compassion fatigue: Why do we keep looking for support in all the wrong places? It's like shopping for milk in a hardware store! While I can certainly understand your husband's need to go out and have a good time (perhaps as his way of escaping the sadness at home, if only for a while), it seems to me that in your present state of mind, it just makes good sense to protect yourself by intentionally avoiding situations and gatherings where you are more likely to encounter the insensitivity of others ~ such as at noisy holiday parties where (despite how they are feeling on the inside) everyone is expected to put on a happy face, merry-making is the order of the day, alcohol flows freely and the conversation is superficial at best. In any event, I just discovered an article that could've been written just for you, Maylissa ~ and if you take the time to explore the rest of this site, I think you'll find some comfort as well as some good information there. Click on Winter Holidays ~ Trying to Cope. See also A Different Kind of Parenting, which explains how Kara Jones came to develop her "ezine" ~ and please do let me know what you think.

Hi Jeff, Dealing with the insensitivity of others is one of the hardest aspects of mourning, most especially when such unhelpful responses come from a person who's supposedly experienced a significant loss of his own, and still doesn't "get it." I think you might find these articles helpful: What Is a Compassionate Friend? You Should Be Over "IT" See also Christine Jette's insightful articles on this important topic.

My dear Deanne, We're all so very sorry to learn of the death of your father, and you have our deepest sympathy. You've asked, Does anyone have any helpful tips to maybe make this holiday season a little easier? and I'd like to point you to another post that addresses this same question: Holidays?

Hi Jeff, In addition to the book that Lori has recommended, you'll find lots of helpful reading suggestions from several of our other GH Discussion Groups members. Be sure to see this post: Grief Bibliography The topic of grief dreams is one that's been discussed at length here, too. If you've not seen it already, you might want to read the post in our Behaviors in Bereavement forum entitled "Strange Dreams about Death," dated 28 November 2005. You can access it directly by clicking on this link: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...&#entry2900

Join with The Compassionate Friends (TCF) as we honor the memories of our children. In 1997 a group of Internet volunteers from The Compassionate Friends conceived the idea to create a virtual day of remembrance -- a special day to honor and pay tribute to children everywhere who have died, but are not forgotten. Ten years later, their vision speaks for itself as The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe with hundreds of organized memorial services around the world and thousands of smaller memorial candle lightings in homes with just family and friends. All groups holding a candle lighting open to the public are invited to submit information about their service for posting on the TCF national Web site. A memorial message board is available during the event on the TCF national Web site, and all are welcome to post a message of remembrance, a special poem, or other thoughts that relate to the death of a child or the Worldwide Candle Lighting®. The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® is held every year on the second Sunday in December at 7:00 p.m. for one hour local time around the globe -- a 24-hour wave of light in memory of all children who have died. On Sunday, December 10, 2006, hundreds of community candle lighting ceremonies will be held in parks, churches and other public places by TCF chapters and other groups. Thousands more will be held informally at home. It takes only you and one candle to join hearts with the world ". . . that their light may always shine." Watch The Compassionate Friends national Web site for information about the Worldwide Candle Lighting® and memorial services as they become available. Light a Candle Online: A Guided Memorial Ritual

Oh my dear Derek ~ What this tells me is how much Carson takes after his wonderful father and his precious mother. What a fine boy you are rearing! As a parent and as a man, you have my deepest respect and admiration.

Maylissa, you said, I guess I really should have started a separate thread here for all this, but I didn't even think about it at the time! Sorry, all! (maybe Marty can move this to a more appropriate place....) I've placed your most recent posts (along with responses you've received) under a new topic entitled "Nothing Out There for Me." If you prefer a different title, just let me know and I will change it.

Dear Ones, I'm so glad to know that you're finding Christine Jette's Web wonderful, informative Web site so helpful! Please do re-visit her site often, as Christine is always adding to and polishing her work. (On more than one occasion she's humbly described herself to me "not as a writer, but as a REwriter!") I'd like to share with you the lovely note I received from her just yesterday afternoon: Dear Marty, I keep thinking of more to write on December's Deep Grief. Strange, but I sense that Mom is helping me to write it somehow. Even if her help is in my imagination, well, God gave us imaginations, too. The thought of her helping me is comforting and I guess that is all that really matters. DECEMBER'S DEEP GRIEF: Loss Amidst the Merrymaking Please do check back periodically because I am adding to it almost daily. It's very healing for me to write. I hope my writing helps someone else, too. I get a lot of visitors and I believe it is a direct result of your links to me. Thank you! Peace to you in the season of hope, Christine Jette www.findingthemuse.com

Dear Ones, In her first Christmas season without the physical presence of her beloved mother, bereaved daughter and gifted writer Christine Jette shares her thoughts about grief and the holidays in DECEMBER'S DEEP GRIEF: Loss Amidst the Merrymaking

Shell, you said, "I've been reading about dementia and researching everything I can! If anyone has any suggestions or experience to share, I would greatly appreciate it!" Yours is not an easy task, and you deserve all the help you can find. Please be sure to check out some of the excellent sites I've listed on the Care Giving page of my Grief Healing Web site. And know that you are always in our thoughts and prayers

KayC, dear ~ You've given us something very special to celebrate this Thanksgiving Day ~ we are sooooooooo happy for you! And we know your new employer will be giving thanks as well, for having had the good sense to hire wonderful you!

My dear Maylissa, I know that you are struggling with this dilemma, and I’m not sure that any of us can come up with any profound words of wisdom that will help you to solve it. Clearly you are on the horns of a dilemma, you are ambivalent about your choices, and you know that either way you choose to go will not be without pain and sacrifice. I know your message has received no responses since you posted it last Monday and you may have feelings about that, but I think it stems from the fact that we all recognize that it really does not matter what we think you “should” or “should not” do in this situation, because regardless of what you decide to do, there will be consequences stemming from that decision, and we know that you alone are the one who must live with those consequences. What I can do is share some observations and some things I’ve learned along the way that I hope may help you clarify your thinking in this situation. First, there is no doubt that, (like me, if I may say so) you are an extremely compassionate person, particularly when it comes to caring for and loving animals. Compassion is a gift, and I dare say it makes people like us very good at what we do. There is no button we can push to “turn off” our compassion – this is part of who we are. But this same gift can be our downfall, Maylissa. Compassionate people may fall into the trap of thinking that if we don’t do it, it won’t get done. If we think that no one can “do it” better than we can, we may take on more and more responsibility, whether it belongs to us or not, until we buckle under the weight of it all. Instead of looking at what we’ve done already and giving ourselves credit for that, we tend to look at what we haven’t done yet. We are our own worst critics, because no one is harder on us than we are. We are only human beings, yet we judge, punish, re-judge and re-punish ourselves when something, anything, goes wrong. It does not seem to matter that, for every one thing we may have done wrong, we can find five things we did right. You say that the attention you’ve been paying to this stray cat has “already caused one fight with my H,” adding that “a couple of friends already gave me royal hell for even helping him out.” As you already know from your experiences with Sabin and Nissa, maintaining a marriage and relationships with friends can be very difficult when you’re engaged in long-term caregiving. For the last two years of Nissa’s life, it may have seemed as if you and your husband were two ships passing in the night. No matter how understanding your friends may have been during that long period of caregiving, they probably wished you’d had more time with them, but you couldn’t seem to find that time. And now, just as it seemed that you would be more available to your husband and your friends, along comes this stray cat who's taking your attention away from them again. Feeling so deprived of you for so long, is it realistic to think that they wouldn’t be disappointed and resentful? You’re probably right in your assessment that your husband and friends are placing their own needs and wants ahead of your own need (to take care of this stray cat), and ahead of this cat’s needs (to be fed and sheltered) as well. But your husband and your friends are only human – and sometimes it’s even healthy that humans would be selfish enough to put their own needs and wants ahead of someone else’s! The problem with being a very compassionate person is that, in the world of caring for others who need us (whether human or animal), there is never any end to the need, Maylissa. There is always more to do. Unless we set realistic limits for ourselves, we are at risk for developing compassion fatigue, and then we are of no use to anyone. At some point we have to ask ourselves, How do we not let this gift for compassion wear us out? How can we set limits and establish boundaries for ourselves? Where do our primary responsibilities lie, and what are our priorities? How can we step out of the caregiving role long enough to live our lives, nurture and restore and re-create ourselves, pay sufficient attention to our loved ones, and maintain our relationships with friends and neighbors so that resentments don’t develop? How do we give what we can give to the sick, the dying and the bereaved, and let it be enough? What can we do to take care of and give to ourselves first, so we’ll have something left to give to others? I cannot answer these questions for you, Maylissa, and I cannot tell you what to do in this situation – I can only alert you to the dangers, and continue to urge you to take as good care of yourself as you are willing to take care of others. As I once heard a wise man say, “To feel too much is dangerous. To feel too little is tragic.” With love (and compassion), Marty

Dear Ones, Memorializing your beloved by lighting a candle in cyberspace is a simple but very comforting ritual. If you'd like your candle to burn with others in our Grief Healing group (GfHlg), click on this link and follow the instructions there: Light A Candle

Perhaps, for some people, the reason prayer works is because God is mute and doesn't give advice or try to fix things. He just listens and lets you work it out for yourself. -- Anonymous

Tabbi, dear, We're all so very sorry to learn that your precious baby daughter died, and you have our deepest sympathy. This is a significant loss that is worthy of grief and mourning, and you deserve all the understanding, comfort, and support you can find at this sad and difficult time. The topic of miscarriage has been discussed many times here, and I hope you'll take some time to browse through the many messages posted in this forum. See, for example, Lost My Baby I've also recently read (and highly recommend) a lovely book by Lorraine Ash that I think you might find comforting. If you click on this link, you can read Amazon's description and reviews: Life Touches Life: A Mother's Story of Stillbirth and Healing Please see also the Death of an Infant, Child, Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site for links to dozens of other helpful resources.

Dear Friend, We're so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious Oreo. It's unfortunate that when a cherished but tiny pet such as a Guinea pig, hamster, mouse or goldfish dies, others may be even less likely to understand our reactions, or to offer sympathy and support. We may even be the recipient of some very insensitive remarks from others who fail to appreciate the bond that exists between us. But no matter what the size or the species, the love we share with these dear little creatures is just as real as any other, and so is the pain we experience when they die. You may find this article helpful: I've Lost Two Little Lives ~ My Grief Hurts. See also the darling children's book by Robie Harris, Goodbye Mousie.

Dear Ones, You may recall an earlier discussion in this thread about the efforts to include “complicated grief” in the next issue of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM-V), which is the most widely used psychiatric reference in the world. I've just come across an interesting article on that very topic that I'd like to share with you. It was written in July 2005 by Dr. Carl A. Hammerschlag, M.D., CPAE, following Tom Cruise's appearance on the Today show. (Dr. Hammerschlag is a psychiatrist, author, and recognized authority in the science of psychoneuroimmunology – mind, body, spirit medicine – and speaks about health and wellness, healing, leadership and authenticity . He has delivered motivational keynote speeches to corporate and business clients around the world. He is the author of the wonderful book, Healing Ceremonies: Creating Personal Rituals for Spiritual, Emotional, Physical and Mental Health.) In his article, Tom Cruise and the State of Psychiatry, Dr. Hammerschlag observes that in contemporary America, psychiatrists are defining lots of people as mentally ill, for diseases they may not have and over-prescribing drugs with all of their complications. He writes, Tom Cruise, the preeminent actor and public spokesperson for Scientology has been in the press recently calling psychiatry a pseudoscience and that psychiatrists have never helped anybody. He says “there is no such thing as chemical imbalance in the brain” and what people need to do is explore the underlying reasons and then move beyond their problems. Presumably Scientology is a way to do that. To the actress Brooke Shields, who suffered from serious postpartum depression and took medication which helped her significantly, he said, she was doing terrible things to her body. Tom Cruise is wrong, there are serious mental disorders that are dramatically helped by pharmacologic intervention. And even if we can’t always explain how they work psychiatrists and neuroscientists are learning more and more about those mechanisms. But it is also true that psychiatry may be moving beyond its arenas of expertise. And I say this as a psychiatrist, not an actor, I believe we are prescribing too many drugs and defining too many behaviors as diseases. Continue reading here.

Jamie, dear, I suspect that your son is acting this way simply because he is very worried about you and he doesn’t know how to help you. The raw feelings and reactions of grief may be frightening to others in your family, especially to your sons, who’ve already lost one parent and may be terrified of losing the other one. Your one son’s reaction to the content of your postings here also tells me that he does not know what normal grief looks like, and he may be misinterpreting your reactions. In your posts I often see you apologizing for feeling as you do, or for coming here at all. This tells me that on some level, you don’t feel as if you have a legitimate right to mourn the death of your husband, and until you let go of that feeling, Jamie, you’ll continue to stop yourself from getting the help you need and deserve. I want to gently suggest to you that the best way you can take care of your sons’ fear is to take good care of yourself. By tending to your own grief, you will give your sons the reassurance they need, and their “hovering” and “checking up” behavior will diminish. I don’t know what sort of “in person” grief support you’ve obtained in your own community (you’ve mentioned your doctor, but I’m not sure what sort of doctor that is), but I hope you’re availing yourself of all the bereavement help that is available to you, including participating in a grief support group, meeting individually with a grief counselor, reading all you can find about what is normal in grief, and attending a workshop or taking an online course on grief. The worst thing you can do is to deprive yourself of the ongoing support of caring others, such as the good people you’ve found on this site. Please know that we’re all thinking of you at this sad and difficult time, and know that you are not alone as you face this important anniversary day tomorrow.