MartyT

My dear Shelley, Like so many members of our GH family, you have been on the difficult, lonely journey of grief for a long time, and in your process of mourning and healing, you now find yourself in that place in between. It’s a place that no longer feels familiar, because everything has changed: your hopes, dreams, lifestyle, home, family, friends – the very life you once knew is gone. Nothing feels familiar; nothing is the same; nothing feels the way you once knew it and intended it to be. At this point in your grief journey, you feel like a stranger living in the twilight zone: sometimes angry, at other times scared, occasionally disoriented, often confused. You are in between what used to be (an ending) and what is yet to come (a new beginning). It is what authors William Bridges, Elizabeth Harper Neeld and others call the place of transition, the place between an ending and a beginning, between letting go of the way things used to be and taking hold again of the way they will become, between being lost and finding ~ a place where things aren’t the old way, but they’re not yet the new way, either. Transition is the way we come to terms with loss and change. It is the place of healing through grief, of learning to integrate the completely unacceptable idea that your world has changed forever and the burning hope that it will begin again. It is having faith that although your world will never, ever be the same, you will begin again. Loss is a normal part of living in this world, and so is finding a way to go on. As psychologist Jo Christner writes in The Healing Power of Grief, As you go through these stages of transition, you will begin to find light and to heal. It is normal to have loss. It is normal to grieve. It is normal to begin again. That is the way of life. What can you do to help yourself through the process of transition and healing? Dr. Christner offers these suggestions: 1. If your grief is complicated, seek professional help from a licensed therapist. 2. Read books that will educate, support, bring comfort and inspire. [see the books I’ve listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site for suggestions. Two on this particular topic that I recommend most highly: The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments, by William Bridges Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld ] 3. Have a transitional object: something that belonged to your loved one (e.g., ring, shirt, socks, picture, key chain, coin) that will bring you comfort during a time when nothing seems to bring comfort. Carry it with you and touch it when you need to remember your beloved. 4. Talk to yourself in a way that serves to perpetuate healing. The way you talk to yourself can make a difference. If you can, keep your thoughts in the present moment. Read inspirational thoughts that give you support and comfort. [see, for example, Comfort for Grieving Hearts.] It’s too easy to feel hopeless and predict the worst by going into the future. It’s not here yet ... and you will change. Determining what the future holds will only reflect the pain that you feel now. 5. Having the belief that you can survive this loss and heal will help to bring hope, courage, and something to hold on to. Some people find that their religion and faith give them support. Seek beliefs that support your healing and recovery. 6. Grieving is an individual journey. Making comparisons or judging yourself against others will not assist you in your healing. Trust that, with the support of others, you will heal ... in your own unique way, in your own unique time. 7. Do seek support through friends, family, and support groups. Being in a support group with others who are on a similar journey can give comfort and reassurance during this difficult time. 8. Give yourself the time that you need to grieve and to heal. Sometimes you need to visit the grief. Sometimes you need to visit the distractions and resources in your life. Allow room for both. It’s the ‘space-in-between’ where the healing begins. I want to remind you that grieving, transition, and healing are a process, not an event. It will take as long as it takes for you to travel this journey. You won’t do it ‘wrong.’ You will do it the way that you need to heal. Statistically, it is believed that normal, healthy, uncomplicated grieving takes about two years. For some individuals, it will be shorter and for others, longer [emphasis mine]. Trust YOUR progress and your journey. Trust that you, too, will heal. Trust that you will find life and light again . . . [source: The Healing Power of Grief: The Journey through Loss to Life and Laughter, by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., LMFT, pp. 86-90]

Hi Shelley, I’m sorry you didn’t find the support you needed from your place of worship. Unfortunately you are not alone in that regard. I'm reminded of the following article by Doug Manning that appeared in Grief Digest Magazine: Why Don’t They Know What to Say?by Doug Manning At the end of a seminar, a couple whose son had been killed in a recent car wreck said, “”Why is it our friends don’t know what to say to us? And, even more upsetting, why doesn’t our church know? Our pastor came when our son died, and all he knew how to say was that he was not a grief counselor and did not know what to say. Then he began talking about children who were born crippled or with other problems as if our knowing that was going to make us feel better. Why don’t they know?” There was a time when I made excuses for people not knowing, and particularly for churches and pastors not knowing. Seminaries do not teach this to the clergy so they are not educated in this area. I no longer make excuses for them. With all of the books, articles, videos and seminars available in the world, ignorance on the part of the church or the clergy is no longer defensible. They should know what to say. As a matter of fact, I think they must know what to say. On a trip last summer, my wife and I visited several old friends and some family members. In the course of the trip, it dawned on us that we do not have very many friends who still go to church. Each family we visited was once active in church and now never bothers at all., As we thought this through and listened to their stories, a pattern developed. Every one of them had gone through some great upheaval and trauma in their lives, and the church did not know what to say or do. In time, the church became irrelevant to them and they dropped out. One man said, “When my son died, I was an elder in my church. You should hear the stuff they said to me at that time. I haven’t been back since.” I was speaking in a church a few months ago and a man pulled me aside to say, “My son was murdered four years ago. When that happened, I became the invisible man in this church. No one wants to talk to me. They run from me like I am a leper.” At a Compassionate Friends conference, a couple told me their child died in a church van on the way to summer camp. The wife said, “No one from our church has been in our home or spoken about our daughter since the funeral.” All of these experiences break my heart. When I started my new life’s work, I assumed the church would be my best source for seminars and book sales. I discovered quite quickly that if I depended on the church, I would starve. I had to go to a secular market to survive. I did go to a secular market, and I did survive, but it has always been my dream that one day the church would discover this area of need and respond. The church is in my mind and heart every time I write a book or produce a video. I always think of ways they could be used within the church. The last few years, we have sensed a change and a breakthrough in many churches. Many churches now use our “Special Care Series” to walk with their families through the first year of grief. I am speaking to an increasing number of clergy groups and finding there is great interest. I am more encouraged now than ever that the church will learn how to meet this need and begin to teach their people what to say and how to help. There are still some barriers to be broken. Some churches seem to thing that to grieve is to deny faith. The seem to think if we really believe in Heaven, then we should rejoice when someone goes there. They seem to struggle with having great faith and still having great pain. This will take time to overcome, but it is coming. Other groups seem to think just quoting scripture makes the pain go away. I love the Bible, and I find great help and comfort in the teachings there, but I also hear people say that in the depths of their grief, the scriptures that folks quoted were a turn-off to them. The Bible was not at fault; it was the choices of text. The text that sounds wonderful to people who have never been in grief, can sound trivializing to someone who is suffering a loss. The church will ultimately be the key to helping people with their grieving. They alone have the organization and position to give help on a wide enough scale to reach the people who need to be reached. But if you are reading this article in the middle of your pain and you are faced with having a church who does not know what to say, what can you do now? May I suggest a few things? • Hang in there. The death of a loved one almost always creates the need to rethink and restructure our faith. Before the loss, we somewhat blithely believed our faith would sustain us as we sailed through rough waters. No one told us the pain and grief might fill us with doubt, fear and even wondering whether or not God is real. One person put it in great terms. She said,”When my son died, I lost all of the magic in my religion. I have rebuilt my faith, and I like where I am, but my new faith doesn’t have any magic in it.” • Having a faith does not mean you won’t go through doubt and fear. Having a faith does not mean you won’t get angry at God and at God’s people. My hope is that sooner or later, you will find comfort and strength and a sense of presence. You may not know how you know, but someone will just seem to be there. • Feel free to find help wherever it is. You need safe people and safe places. I wish that help were at your church, but if it isn’t, then find it wherever it is and don’t feel any guilt about doing so. • Make your own choice about church attendance. Sometimes people find it too difficult or maddening to attend. In those case, a break may be in order. You need to be in safe places and with safe people. If the church can be that, wonderful. If it cannot be that, then you may need to stay away for a time. If your faith has meaning to you, you will come back in time. • Maybe the couple whose story started this article have the right idea. The wife said, “I shall spend the rest of my life trying to get churches to see this need and move to meet it. Doing that will give at least a little bit of significance to my son’s death.” Maybe if enough of us did that, they could learn what to say and how to be safe people and safe places. That is my dream. [Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 866-218-0101] Since you were active as an officer for so many years, Shelley, you already know that church can be a wonderful place not only to worship but also to be in community with others. If you cannot bring yourself to return to this particular church, rather than not going at all, you might try attending a different church with a different minister and congregation. Or you might consider talking to your current minister about your own grief experience, which could lead to a broader understanding of bereavement on his part. Think of it this way: What your minister learns from you could help him become a better helper to others in mourning.

The following article comes to us from Tony Falzano, an award winning songwriter who writes, "Please use the article on your site. Though I would like to call people's attention to [my] CD, as I believe the music will bring comfort, I'm also hoping people will learn about the wonderful things music can do besides entertain." Music: Helping to Heal Those Who Grieveby Tony Falzano There’s an old saying that time will heal all wounds. For those suffering the loss of a loved one, pet or even a relationship like a divorce, time will eventually ease the grief. This will also allow life to be bearable and even enjoyable again. Time is a major component in the healing process. But what does a person do with the pain and emptiness in the weeks and months immediately after losing someone? How does an individual cope with today? Therapists, clergy and medical professionals believe one of the best things you can do while going through the healing process is to have contact with loving, supportive people who will keep you active and provide company. When my family and I lost my mother several years ago, followed by my father and most recently my wife’s step-father, people were very generous with their time and concern to comfort us. At the time of each loss, family and friends would call to “check in” and see if we were all right or if we needed anything. Some stopped over to visit and brought their dinners and their hugs. They reminded us that we were not alone and provided companionship at times of challenge and change. My family and I were lucky; we had each other and a stable of supportive friends and family. However, sometimes the bereaved may not have many friends. Family members may live far away. And there are times when the grieving individual either wants to, or has to, be alone. This is a perfect time for music to be a companion. Similar to a friend who visits, music provides company the moment it is heard. It will stay with you for as long as you wish. While it plays, you can do what you want. You can talk to it, cry with it and even shout at it if it makes you feel better. I’m not suggesting music take the place of human interaction, but it can be a beneficial alternative. In many ways it can do everything a companion can do except bring you a glass of water. Though sometimes overlooked, music can be a powerful ingredient to everyday good health. It can do more than entertain and help sell products and services. Research has concluded that certain music can slow down the brain waves allowing for numerous benefits to occur. Medical studies have shown that music can reduce anxiety and muscle tension. It boosts the immune system and will regulate the individual’s heartbeat and pulse as well as the nervous, digestive and respiratory systems. Music is also known to reduce stress and ease depression. These are symptoms that can accompany grief. Getting these issues in order can alleviate further physical harm. People living alone often use the television and radio to keep them company. But in these life changing situations where wounds need to heal, television might be too “busy”. Pictures and sounds come at you at a rapid-fire rate. Radio is more subtle, but commercials interrupt the music often with someone shouting to draw your attention to their product or business. Furthermore, you don’t always hear the music that does the most good. Music specifically designed to relieve tension and bring stability to the mind and body is the most beneficial. Soft, soothing music is conducive for an atmosphere that will foster healing. I am one of those composers who create music to make people feel calm, centered and relaxed. My approach is to compose instrumental “story music” where the compositions and the instruments of the orchestra bring to life the melodious and often spiritual narratives that provide clues to the meaning of the song’s title. It is a different approach to composing music that gives an uplifting result to the listener. My music, along with that of other committed and talented artists, is designed to help restore good health. Music can be of benefit when we face the responsibility of going through the belongings of a loved one who has passed on. This can be a very difficult time as you decide what you should do with the remaining possessions and special objects that were the passion and soul of that person. I remember procrastinating for months about going through the last of my parent’s belongings. Then one day, on the spur of the moment when my own family was not at home, I decided it was time. I put on calm, soothing music to play in the background. I went through boxes of old photographs, letters and other memorabilia. I held in my hands objects that were not only my mother’s and father’s but what symbolized earlier periods of my own life. I was reminded that my parents along with my youth would not return. As many of you have experienced, and would agree, these were not moments I shelved in my library under “happy memories.” But on that day when I was physically alone, I wasn’t all alone; I connected with the music. It filled the silence that would have been present if it were not filling the room with beautiful sounds. The music was like a friend who was working quietly on the other side of the room helping me with the difficult task at hand. There are other ways to extract the healing benefits of music that will keep you company and your mind active when you are alone. One way is to place a quiet and relaxing piece of music at a volume that is not too loud and get comfortable in your favorite chair. Slide to the side the things weighing on your mind. Start by deep breathing. Slowly breathe air in through your nostrils and hold for a count of 5. Shape your mouth as if you were drinking from a straw and slowly exhale. With each exhale, think of the tension leaving your body. Repeat this several times and I can guarantee you will feel more relaxed. When you’re ready, start listening to the music; I mean, really listen to the music. Soak yourself in the musical emotions being played. Listen to the melody as it rises and falls. Sing or hum along with the song. Identify the instrument(s) that are playing. Better still, picture yourself playing one of those instruments. It could be a bell, flute or whatever you choose. This will stimulate your mind as you focus on when you join in or drop off from playing with the other instruments. Also, imagine you’re part of the group performing this piece in front of others. Music can help you escape. And if you center your attention on the music, you’ll temporarily get away from the things troubling your mind. Use your imagination as you listen to the music. Let your mind wander to other places. Envision sitting on a shore looking at the ocean or walking a path through a forest. See, hear and feel the beauty in these quiet locations. Some people recall meaningful moments with their loved one in the presence of music. They watch a movie in their minds. One person used music as the catalyst for his movie. When the music sounded sad, he saw the sad times with the individual who passed on. When the music was brighter, this person viewed the happier times. He followed the emotional elements and dynamics of the music to help him work through the pain and grief. Music can also inspire you to overcome an obstacle or accomplish a goal. Identify a song that you find inspirational. When the music reaches the motivating part in that piece, recite your goal out loud. You can repeat it several times. As you do, hear the words you are saying and believe they will come true. For those going through the healing process after a loss, you may want to recite the words that hospice nurse Deborah Sigrist encourages her patients to repeat; “It’s normal for me to be abnormal for a while, but I won’t be like this forever.” This statement allows you to accept yourself now while you look forward to the future. Re-enforcing your intention with music can be the first step to find the courage you need to succeed. Emotions will rise when you listen to music. What usually follows is crying, even sobbing. This is okay and it should be welcomed. It’s therapeutic to cry. It’s one of the best things we can do. We release hormones, stress and toxins when we release tears. That is why many of us feel better after “a good cry.” We let go of pain which helps us return to a calm state. Music augments these moments. There is something about it that heightens the emotion in what we are experiencing. You may even fall asleep listening to music. This is a testimony of how soft and soothing music can be so powerful. It alters your mood and brings you to a level of relaxation and peace. If you are grieving a loss or know someone who is, I hope you will remember the power of music. It is truly a wonderful friend that can help you feel and heal, better. Music is non-judgmental and never asks too much of you. Music states the obvious where words are difficult to speak. You don’t have to entertain it, and its feelings aren’t hurt when you tune it out or shut it off. Music is available anytime to act as a reliable companion. And this friend is only your CD collection away. What should you keep in mind when picking out appropriate music to help you heal? Each individual is different, so the “right” music will ultimately be your choice. Some find CDs containing one instrument to be therapeutic. Solo harp or piano music is very popular. Some people enjoy hearing two instruments played together, such as piano and flute. Others prefer music played by a full orchestra. Here are a few suggestions to guide you: •Many people choose instrumental music. It is simpler to listen to in these situations. Non-lyrical pieces leave more to the individual’s imagination. You may find it easier listening to just music rather than listening to songs where there is singing. •Music that is slower and between 60-80 beats per minute is the best choice when using it to calm and heal. The average person’s heart rate is between 70-90 beats per minute. Music billed as ambient, spiritual or celestial will usually be at “heart-level” or below. The slower, more relaxed the music, the more effective it will be to help you heal. •Consider purchasing music that you are unfamiliar with. It will not connect you to the time spent with your loved one. This music will be like getting to know a new friend. Years from now, you’ll remember it as the CD that helped you through this difficult time. •Music using a minimal amount of rhythm and percussion can be beneficial. You want something that is “beat less” and feels smooth, which will be soothing. Read the notes on the CD to see if its contents interest you. [Tony Falzano is an award winning songwriter who has released his new CD, In Abba’s Arms. It contains 12 original instrumentals designed to be an "inspirational companion" that brings comfort to the bereaved in need of healing and hope. The CD is also used by many to enhance quiet contemplation. Tony can be reached at tonyfalzano@aol.com.] (Make sure that you also pay a visit to the Web page that includes many beautiful songs selected and recommended by our own Discussion Groups members: Grief Songs)

My dear Jane, I'm so very sorry to learn of this tragic, senseless event that took the life of your beloved granddog Bailey, and I cannot imagine the pain this has caused your son and his girlfriend. As awful as it is for parents to experience the pain of loss, I don't think it can compare to the pain we feel when one of our children is in pain. In addition, with Bailey's death, you have lost yet another treasured connecting link to your beloved husband. So for you, this is a double loss. Please know that you are not alone; we're all thinking of you and your children today. I hope you will find this article helpful: Pet Loss: Helping a Friend Who's Hurting

Shelley, dear ~ Have you thought of writing your dad a letter, telling him now everything you wish you would have said to him then? It's never too late to do that, you know . . .

We're so sorry to learn of the death of your father-in-law, my friend. Please accept our heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I hope you will find this article helpful: Understanding Different Grieving Patterns in Your Family

Tracey, dear, you have our deepest sympathy for the loss of your precious daughter ~ and I, too, hope that you will direct us to her particular memorial on the Last Memories site. (Just so everyone knows they have a choice, Last Memories is one of several such online memorial Web sites. You'll find this and others listed on the Memorials ~ Funerals ~ Rituals page of my Grief Healing Web site.)

Oh my dear Walt ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you this week, as we hold you in our hearts. Please be sure to read the article I've posted today in The Latest News forum, How Long Will It Last?

Annie, I'm just wondering ~ did you receive the PM I sent to you on Sunday?

How Long Will It Last? by Richard L. Mabry, MD DrRLMabry@yahoo.com My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? (Psalm 6:3, NLT) “And they lived happily ever after.” As newlyweds we may realize, deep down, that those words signify an impossible dream, but we push reality aside until it’s forced on us. My “happily ever after” ended in 1999, when Cynthia, my wife of forty years, died of a brain hemorrhage. The journaling that helped me through the dark days that followed formed the basis of my book, The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse. In turn, that book led me out of my retirement from medicine, into a speaking and writing ministry in support of those who have suffered a similar loss. I’ve now conducted numerous grief seminars, and at each one the question most commonly asked (and most difficult to answer) is this: “How long will it last?” The questions that follow are all the same. “How long will I cry at the slightest provocation?” “How long before I no longer feel the oppressive guilt of being left behind?” “How long until I stop going over and over those terminal events, wondering if I did everything I could? How long?” I had those same thoughts. The days and weeks after Cynthia died were marked by emotional volatility that I didn’t think possible. After all, men don’t cry – but I did, frequently, and often for no apparent reason. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to go out. I couldn’t concentrate sufficiently to read, or even follow the mindless shows that populated the TV schedule. And always before me was the question, How long will it last? At first, I simply assumed that the grief would last for the rest of my life, and I did my best to tolerate it. Tolerate? No, at times I wallowed in it, embraced it, took the grief to my heart as my punishment for being left behind here – survivor guilt raised to the nth degree. Then intellectual curiosity began to intrude. I searched to see what “experts” had said about how long grief lasts. The consensus seemed to be that it probably would take a year for it to subside. With typical male logic, I reasoned that if grieving generally took a year, perhaps by grieving more intensely I could get through it in less time. I pummeled myself with thoughts of my loss and refused offers of help and consolation – but the grief continued. Then I consulted more sources, and found some authorities saying that sometimes grief lasts for up to two years. How very discouraging! I won’t detail my journey through grief, but will simply summarize by saying that slowly, painfully, the clouds began to lift. Trigger situations still brought tears, but they were less frequent and less pronounced. There continued to be times when I yearned for Cynthia’s companionship, for the good things we’d enjoyed together. But there were times when I could laugh and enjoy myself without feeling guilty about it. As time went on, I realized each morning what a gift had been presented me with the day that lay before me. I remained more tender, my emotions closer to the surface, but the result of that was primarily more empathy with those who mourn. It’s been seven years since Cynthia’s death. There are still times when I miss her, but the freely flowing tears are a thing of the past. Am I done with my grief? No, the wound has healed over, but it truly has left a tender scar and I’ll never be exactly the same. What advice can I give to those who cry out for help in getting through the grief that grips them? Don’t hold back your tears – shed them and don’t be ashamed. Don’t be afraid to ventilate to others: friends, your pastor, a grief support group. Don’t shy away from counseling and the use of antidepressants when they are suggested. Don’t be discouraged when your progress seems to be two steps forward, one step back; recovery always takes longer than you hope or expect. And don’t be ashamed when your anger at the loss spills over to God. He’ll be there, whether you turn to Him or not, and eventually you will once more find comfort in prayer and the Scriptures. Does grief take a year, two years, a lifetime? The resolution of grief takes as long as it takes. So my answer to those of you who ask, “When will it end?” is this: Only God knows, but that’s okay, because God will get you through it. Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again – my Savior and my God! (Psalm 43:5, NLT) [source: Grief Digest Magazine, Volume 4, Issue #4, April 2007, p. 27. Reprinted with permission from Grief Digest, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 866-218-0101.] About The Tender Scar: Life after the Death of a Spouse: Written by a physician whose wife died in 1999, this book addresses the heart-wrenching pain of losing a spouse, guides the bereaved through the grief process and offers help on such practical topics as “playing the blame game,” finding a support group, tending the cemetery, “resigning your commissions” to protect and take care of a spouse even after death, “combating funeral flashbacks” and more. As the author of three best-selling medical textbooks and editor of five others, Dr. Mabry’s writing is refreshingly authentic, clear and direct. Working from his own journal entries, he shares the emotions and situations he has encountered and acknowledges his own mistakes as well as his hard-won victories. The book is suitable for those comfortable with a Christian / Baptist perspective, as it includes relevant and carefully selected Bible passages as well as the author’s own personal prayers of hope and healing. (Now a retired private practitioner and medical school professor, Dr. Mabry serves as a deacon at his home church and has taught several Bible courses and Sunday school classes over the years.) But as one reviewer observes, this author “speaks from the trench and not from the pulpit.”

Wonderful, Shelley! I'm so glad you let us know! Isn't it wonderful how our beloved animal companions just live in the present moment? They don't care how long it's been since they've seen us, they don't hold any grudges against us, they still remember us and love us dearly when we visit them, and they're just plain happy to see us again! When my dear father's beloved Saint Bernard, Banjo, died, he was so heartbroken and lonely that I feared for his health. He lived alone at the time, and since I knew how very much he loved my beautiful Bouvier, I offered to let my cherished Daisy dog go live with him for a while. (He lived in another town about an hour's drive from my own home.) Of course, when I saw how much this arrangement helped my dad, I didn't have the heart to take my Daisy back, no matter how much I missed her. I figured my dad needed her a whole lot more than I did. I've never regretted having done that for my dad, but oh my, oh my, I cannot begin to tell you how hard it was for me at the time! I'll bet you can hardly wait till July!

My dear Kay, I've been reading your posts every day, and I feel such a need just to let you know I’m here, I care about you, and I am thinking of you. In some of your posts I can feel the isolation, loneliness, depression and despair that threaten to overtake and swallow you up, and at those times, my heart just aches for you. I hope that at such times, you can feel our collective arms around you. At other times I sit in awe of the supportive messages you post to others in these forums, as with the utmost compassion you attend to us, normalize our reactions, and find just the right words to comfort and reassure us. I hope that at those times, too, you know how much we treasure you, and how much we value your continued presence in our GH family. Kay, I understand completely your not wanting to stay forever locked into the sorrow and despair that came with George’s death. You wanted to grow and to heal, and to move your life forward with your new husband John, and there is nothing wrong with that! When life handed you an opportunity to live again, you did not resist, and no one can fault you for that! I know you come here for support in your grief journey, Kay, but I also think you need and deserve support in your journey to let new love in your life. I think, for example, that if you were exposed to the stories of other widows and widowers who’ve “transcended the loss of a spouse to find a new love” ~ whether it’s by reading about them in books, or by being with them in a support group ~ it would reinforce the decisions you’ve made, and give you some hope for the future. (The book I’m reading right now is an example: The Healing Power of Love: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love.) I also believe that your particular circumstances (separation from your new husband; long commute which leaves little time for socializing, rest and relaxation; financial worries; etc.) are complicating your grief and your transition into your new life, Kay. I’m reminded of an empowering passage from another book I highly recommend: Someone asked me the other day how a person can feel any personal power when you’re down, feeling the lowest you’ve ever felt. I answered, “The personal power comes from knowing that I made the choices that led to good things in the past and I made the choices later that led to bad things happening. And I can make new and different choices today. There is something strong in knowing that your choices matter and that you can make new ones. I said to myself early on in this process, “You screwed up. Now you have to do what’s necessary to get to where you want to be from here. Start right here. Move yourself forward from this point.” So every day it’s a matter of getting up, determined to keep going. You’ve got to keep getting up and keep on doing whatever there is to do today, the best way you can do it. I’m a different person today, and I think a better person. I know I’m much less afraid. My attitude is now that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a freight train; it’s the light of a beautiful, wonderful day. [source: “Renewing after a Financial Loss,” in Tough Transitions: Navigating Your Way through Difficult Times, © 2005 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, ISBN # 044669455X, p. 265] Kay, I don’t know where you are in your relationship with John ~ I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be so far apart from each other while trying to develop and nurture a new marriage ~ but even when you’re apart, I hope you will continue to allow yourself to experience John’s love, at the same time releasing some of the pain of your grief for George. Releasing the pain of grief is not the same as releasing George ~ you know as well as I do that George will stay in your heart forever, and you will never, ever forget him. The love you have for John does not in any way diminish or cancel the love you have for George. I wish with all my heart that we could wave a magic wand and take away your troubles and your pain, dear Kay, but that we cannot do. Instead, we can offer only this: our love, which is with you always.

My dear Serl, I so appreciate your post, as it gives me the opportunity to tell you (and all who may be reading this) that whenever I post a message on this site, I am acutely aware that I am "speaking" in a very public forum. If ever I believe that what I wish to offer is not for "public" consumption, I would communicate with a member via our Private Message (PM) function. One of the most valuable aspects of these forums, I believe, is that when one member raises a concern and one (or more) of us responds, then everyone reading the exchange can benefit from the same information. So I am pleased to know that whatever I said to Maylissa has resonance for you as well, and I hope for others, too. That said, I wonder if you've ever considered consulting an animal communicator, or doing some reading about the subject of animals and the afterlife, as a way of addressing your concerns for Tawny's welfare? If you're interested in pursuing these topics, you might find some of these resources helpful ~ and I'm sure Maylissa and others have favorites that they can also recommend: Sorting It Out: Spiritual Beliefs about Death and the Afterlife Blessing the Bridge Animals in Our Hearts Animals and the Afterlife Dogs Have Souls, Too Do Pets Go to Heaven? Do Pets Go to Heaven? God's Messengers: What Animals Teach Us about the Divine Blessing the Bridge: What Animals Teach Us about Death, Dying, and Beyond You might find this article of interest as well: Can Losing a Pet Feel Worse than Losing a Relative?

Maylissa, dear ~ The photo of you and your darling girl is just adorable, and a perfect representation of your very special relationship with each other. What a treasure ~ and I’m so glad you put it here for all of us to see! You ask how I think you are doing, and based on what you’ve told us in your post, it seems to me that you are doing very well. I know that it’s a roller-coaster ride, I know you don’t like it, you’re sick of it and you want to get off ~ but that is not an option. All you can do is keep your seatbelt buckled, hold onto the sides, and stay in the car until the track levels out. The fact is that you are right where you need to be, Maylissa, and it simply does not matter that your experience of loss seems so different from everyone else’s ~ that is only because it’s true! Your story IS different, your attachment to Nissa IS different, your personality IS different, and your coping style IS different from everyone else’s ~ in this vast universe, that’s what makes Nissa so special, and that’s what makes you so uniquely who you are! It’s good to read about what works for other people, because you might find something that works for you, too ~ something that you may not have considered otherwise ~ but even then, you still must do whatever it is in your own unique way. As the saying goes, you have to take it all, chaff and grain together, then you sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and blow the rest away Let’s take a look at what I would consider the specific and very positive steps you’re taking. Even though you’re “constantly having to rebook,” you’re still seeing your therapist on a regular basis. Even though “the length of time this might take is really bothering me,” you’re consciously and deliberately letting your grief run its course, however long it takes, because you know it’s necessary. Even though you injured yourself, you’ve still been trying to exercise more, and you’re still determined to “get in better shape” so you can participate in all the activities you’ve planned for the summer because it’s a MUST DO! Even though you know you’re not quite ready yet, even though you “still can’t even begin to contemplate a world without [Nissa] here,” you still realize that many things must be different with you and your lifestyle; you recognize the need to “take out the unhealthier aspects” in your life, and you’re still taking concrete steps to relearn and rebuild your world as it exists for you now, by •Re-establishing and developing a close, satisfying, and supportive relationship with a past friend •Letting go of unhealthy relationships with so-called friends who only added to your pain •Planning a trip this summer with lots of activities included •Pursuing special interests that may lead to a new career or a new direction in your life ~ by taking a class in animal communication, looking into energy healing, and attending a Spirtualist church Even though you’re “postponing the hardest things” and “avoiding the most painful parts” by not completing your plans for memorializing Nissa, you’re still able to state what you intend to do, and you will do it when you are ready to do it! After my beloved Muffin died, Maylissa, three years passed before I could so much as tell the story of his life and tragic, accidental death ~ and even then it wasn’t planned! I happened to be taking a creative writing class, and one of our assignments was to write a description of an important person who’d had a great impact on our lives. For some unknown reason I felt a need to ask if that “person” could be a companion animal. The teacher was a little taken aback, but she said okay. I then wrote a piece about my cockapoo entitled Memories of Muffin, and I couldn’t even read it out loud to my classmates without sobbing when I got to the part about his dying. I didn’t know it at the time, but several years later that same piece was to become the introduction to my book, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet. And as you know, my totally unexpected and profound reaction to Muffin’s death ~ and what I subsequently learned from that ~ is what initially got me interested in the subject of pet loss and grief, and started me on my present career path. So you just never know where these major crises in life will lead you ~ much less how long it will take you to get there! I think it's telling that you won the draw for a free reading with the teacher of your animal communication class, and I cannot help but think that your precious Nissa had a paw in that! You say the other signs you’ve received from Nissa still aren’t the kinds you’ve been waiting and hoping for, and I’m reminded of something I read recently in Louis LaGrand’s wonderful new book, Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. On pages 119-121 he writes: Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors. You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions: •Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do? •What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.) •Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received? •Most important of all, did the experience bring peace? If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace. Maylissa, I am heartened by your progress, and I truly do believe that you are doing just fine. I am extremely proud of you.

My goodness, Maylissa, thank you again for taking the time to listen, and for your glowing review as well. We haven't heard from you for some time ~ Would you be willing to give us an update as to how you're doing?

On March 29, 2007, I was the featured guest on Nature's Translator with Tracy Ann, the weekly Contact Talk Radio program hosted by animal communicator and alternative healer Tracy Ann. The program is available for listening at Archives: Nature's Translator , under the date, 3/29/07. (Be prepared for a fairly lengthy introduction followed by a commercial message ~ but eventually the topic of pet loss is discussed! And you'll need to allow one hour to listen to the entire program.)

Dear Ones, I've noticed a tendency recently among several of our members who've been with us longer than others to feel as if they have nothing to offer when they cannot muster the energy to post and to "say something positive or helpful." I want to gently remind all of us that really, there is nothing that any of us can say that will take away the sorrow and the pain of loss ~ nobody understands and accepts that better than the precious people in these forums. We are not here to judge, or to rush, or to take anyone's grief away from them. What we can offer, however, is our presence. Each of you knows that what we want and need most from others is just for someone to be there with us in our pain . In that sense, we are helping one another, even if we simply come here to read each other's posts. Sometimes all we need to say is "I read your post and I'm here for you." If that is all we can do at any moment, let us acknowledge and celebrate that. Let us be grateful for the attentive silence we offer one another, and let it be enough.

Haley, my dear, you ask, how can i get through this what can I do please somebody give me advice. So many of our members have faced ~ or are about to face ~ the first-year anniversary of the death of their loved ones, and our forums are filled with specific ideas you can use to help you get through these difficult days. See, for example, the following posts: Feeling Down Memories Reawakening of Intense Feelings First Year Anniversary Is This Normal? Haley, while I do not think your reactions signal that you're "going nuts" or "going to have a nervous breakdown," I am concerned that you may not be getting sufficient help in dealing with your grief. I do think it's important that we acknowledge the limitations of a forum such as this, because sometimes our needs exceed the capacity of a Message Board to help ~ when a person is in danger of hurting oneself or another, for example, or when someone's anger is out of control, or when one's grief does not diminish in any way at all over an extended period of time. In such instances I would urge such individuals to seek professional help at once, so they can get the help they so desperately need and deserve. I believe with all my heart that grief counseling (both individually and in groups) and individual psychotherapy are among the most precious gifts we can choose to give to ourselves, and I know from my own experience that they can change our lives for the better. Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn't need you to depend upon, and will allow you to mourn without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you're feeling, and clarify your reactions. An effective grief counselor is knowledgeable about the grief process, helps you feel understood, offers a witness to your experience, encourages you to move forward, fosters faith that you will survive, and offers hope that you will get through your grief. As I have said to you in previous posts, Haley, I hope you will consider talking to someone about your grief as something to pursue. It's out there and available to you. You deserve it. And you are worth it.

My dear Derek, I’m sure you know from reading other posts in this forum that many people find death-date anniversaries difficult, since they serve as such potent reminders of all that we have lost. Keep in mind, however, that in many ways, this day will be no more (or less) difficult to get through than any other day you’ve had to face since Karen died. Anniversary dates are really no more than dates on a calendar, and they hold no more power over us than we are willing to give them. More often than not, many people find that the anticipation of the day is far worse than the actual day itself. Like everything else in grief, you can choose to deal with what you’re dreading by avoiding it all together, or by facing it head-on, holding the firm belief that you’ve made it through this far, and you will make it through this, too. (Some mourners decide to think of this first-year-anniversary date as an “expected event” that can be understood as a rite of passage, a turning point, or a marker for a change in attitude, setting you free from that very difficult first year.) I happen to think that the worst thing you can do is to let this day sneak up on you without planning for it ahead of time. I encourage you to develop some sort of strategy that includes a Plan A and a Plan B. Whatever you plan to do with the day is completely up to you (even if you plan intentionally to do nothing at all – but at least that is your plan). You might consider involving Carson in your plans – children this age can be so creative in their ideas! You could say to him, for example, that a very special day is coming up, a day of remembrance for Mommy, and the two of you need to think of some special things you can do to remember Mommy on that day. I want to share with you some lovely ideas offered by Harold Ivan Smith, a dear man, prolific writer, teacher, storyteller, grief counselor and teacher, who is often featured as the keynote speaker at national grief conferences and workshops. The following ideas come from a wonderful presentation he gave here in Phoenix last December: Borrow from a Jewish tradition called a yahrzeit (pronounced yard-site) ceremony, which is a ceremonial way of acknowledging the anniversary of a death. Some Jews go to a synagogue or temple to recite a prayer, but in addition, they remind themselves of the loved one who has died by burning a 24-hour-candle in the hours leading up to the anniversary. (Yahrzeit memorial candles are sold in Jewish religious supply stores, but you can also find them in the Kosher section of the grocery store. They’re encased in metal, they cost less than a dollar, and they burn for 26 hours. If you’re concerned about leaving a candle burning overnight or when you’re not in the room, Harold Ivan suggests that you place the candle in water in the kitchen sink.) Write a letter to your beloved, beginning with how you’ve been doing since her death. Then, •Write about what you miss most •Write about any regrets you have in your relationship •Write anything you wish you had said prior to the death •Write what you wish you your loved one had said to you •Describe how you are coping, what makes you laugh and cry now •Close with any personal message you would like to include •Describe one of your favorite holiday / special day memories Take the letter you write to your loved one’s grave site (or some other special place) to be read aloud, then burn it in your fireplace or BBQ grill. Then, write a letter from your loved one back to you. Ask yourself, How would she answer you? Fold her letter into a small enough size that when you put it into a box it will rattle. Then wrap it as a gift and, when you need it, rattle it – so you’ll know it’s a gift from your beloved. Arrange for Jews to say Kaddish (e.g., Say Kaddish is an online service that arranges Kaddish to be said, according to tradition, on behalf of whomever you choose, at www.saykaddish.com Symbolize - Light a candle for hope, for remembrance (You can do so online, at Light a Candle ~ Online Memorial Ritual) Other ideas that can be used (on birthdays and holidays, too): •Send off balloons •Set a place at the table for your loved one that day •Light a special candle and share a memory of the person •Tell stories of the person; invite others to do this before a meal, before gift-opening, etc. •Sing, listen to a favorite song about the deceased •Create an ornament to hang on a tree, a wreath or the wall •Visit a special place that holds memories of your loved one; if you cannot tolerate staying for an entire meal, go for coffee or dessert •Write a letter to your loved one. Consider reading it to someone else •Create a Web site to honor your loved one. (You can ask the family computer “nerd” to do this for you) •Buy your loved one a present and donate it to a charity, as “a gift from [the person who died]” •Make your loved one’s favorite meal or dessert •Plant a tree, bush, or flower •Say a special prayer •Make a quilt with the clothing of your loved one •Change old traditions and begin new ones •Place a memoriam notice in the newspaper •Burn a CD of your loved one’s favorite music •Sponsor a cultural event during the season in your loved one’s name •Create a memory book •Donate to / volunteer for a special cause in your loved one’s name •Find a way to give something to someone else •Celebrate as you can – not as you can’t!

She is indeed a beauty, Steve ~ thank you so much for sharing these pictures with us. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to let Montoya go, but I'm sure she somehow knew that it was your final act of love for her. Have you thought of what you and your family might do to memorialize Montoya? I offer the following articles, in hopes that they will bring you some small measure of comfort: Funerals for Pets? Memorializing a Cherished Pet Rainbow Bridge Where Do We Go from Here? The Journey Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

This thought provoking article comes to us from Nan Zastrow, author of the book, Blessed Are They That Mourn, and over thirty Editor's Journal Articles in Wings and other publications. On April 16, 1993, Nan's son Chad died as the result of suicide. Ten weeks later, Chad's fiancee took her life. This double tragedy inspired Nan and her husband Gary to create a ministry of hope. For ten years, Nan published the Wings magazine for the bereaved and caregivers. In 2004, the Wings Organization refocused its efforts as a grief education ministry with the purpose of "Honoring the Past and Rebuilding the Future." Nan is a regular contributor to Grief Digest Magazine. This article appears in the January 2007 issue, and is offered here with Nan's permission: There is a personal power, born from hope, that is far greater than any we could manufacture or harness in any living beast. The potential and the accomplishments of ordinary people in uncertain situations are transformed and hope becomes the "possible dream." Read more in the attached pdf file . . . CanaHorseReallyFly.pdf

Bless you, Maylissa, for your vigilance, and for bringing this to our attention.

Good for you, Annie! We are all so very proud of you

Steve, you have found your way to a very supportive and compassionate group of animal lovers, not unlike yourself. We are so very sorry for the reasons that brought you to us, but we welcome you with open arms, and we promise we will walk beside you as you face whatever lies ahead. You are not alone.

Janine, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved grandmother, and I join with all our GH members in sending my hearfelt condolences to you and your family. I hope you will take comfort in knowing that you gave your grandmother the most precious gift of your presence, bearing witness as she exchanged her earthly address for a heavenly one. You are being held in gentle thought and prayer by all of us. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T