suzanne

Dusky So good to hear from you again. I remember your posts so well when I first came here. You always had such comforting and meaningful words. I am so happy for you on the almost completion of your book and website. I look forward to hearing more and can't wait to read your book. Welcome back. Suzanne

Wendy I too still wear my wedding rings. Like you, no one mentions it but I really don't care. As far as the personal belongings, I have gotten rid of some very old clothes. Will was quite a packrat and still had clothes 10 years and older that he had not worn in years. That didn't bother me. Everytime I would clean out closets he was insistant he might be able to wear them again. Yeh, right but I went along with it. Things he had been wearing from the last few years I still have. When I had my remodeling done, it bothered me more than I thought it would. With each nail I removed, it was like a stab in the heart. Each one was the memory of he drove this nail in with his hands and now I'm taking it down by myself. That was enough for me right now. As everyone else says, I'll know when the time has come to do these things. But not now for me. Suzanne

William Welcome back. You have really been missed. Hope you enjoy your new home and find some peace in the new surroundings although I know it was diffucult to leave the old behind. Suzanne

Kim I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Kristen. Double tragedy is so hard. Thinking of you as you go through this difficult and tragic time. Wish I could do more other than say I'm sorry. Thinking of you. Suzanne

Are You a Carrot, An Egg, or a Coffee Bean? Anonymous A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?" "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked. "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity—boiling water—but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle Adversity? Are you a Carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? Wanted to share this with everyone. Found it on the internet. May it help to strengthen us in our grief and to find a way to peace. Suzanne

DoubleJo Thinking of you during these painful dates. May you be able to find some peaceful moments. Your pain is a symbol of your wonderful love you and Curt had for each other. Suzanne

Gail I am so happy for you. It's nice to here good things going on. You'll have just enough time to spoil the first one sufficiently before the second one comes along. And they will be so close in age they can grow up together. My blessings for you and your family. Bob Have your arms grown longer as well so you have to hold the newspaper up closer? Suzanne

Walt Thank you for sharing that. Nothing wrong with a walk down memory lane. Will and I loved the oldies music above all. I still have LP's and 45's too but alas, nothing to play them on. Glad you have a turntable. Two that were our songs are Miracles by Jefferson Starship and Layla by Eric Clapton (hence came the name of my little dog I adopted after Will's crossing over). He even arranged for the piano player at our wedding to play them for us we loved them so. These kind of memories are what I think of as the "sweet torture". Suzanne

Derek Wondered where you had been. I've missed you. I'm glad you got somes sleep. perhaps lack of sleep gave you some impatience with Carson. I know you are a wonderful father. Your posts have given so much to each of us when we've been in the pit of despair. Several of us have had rough times during the holidays as I am sure you have read. All of us are here for you, whatever you feel just tell us, we understand and will never tire of listening. That's what friends are for. Dust bunnies will keep, I know. Suzanne

Teny Listen to Bob and your heart and gain strength from it. You have so much to offer to the world. You have given so much to each of us here. Your talents are so wonderful with the beauty of your creations of art, don't waste them. Bob Your words make so much sense. Your posts are so wise. I agree with Kay, you should have been a counselor. Thank you, I needed that tonight. I will search for my destiny rather than wallowing in my sorrow. May each of us find our way in this journey. Suzanne

Annie Thank you for sharing that. It is so true. Suzanne

Wendy I agree with you. Don't have to get dressed to find a place to go for people who understand, this is my home away from home as well. Bless Marty for providing it for us. Suzanne

I know all too well the feeling of just existing, not living. But we have to keep going forward. One of my bosses told me yesterday who is 86 and his wife has alzheimer's, "do the best you can with what you have got to work with, that's all we can do." She is no longer mentally with him and does not recognize him as her husband, it breaks my heart when they come in the office. I admire his strength as he cares for her daily. I truly believe somehow we will find that light at the end of this long dark tunnel. One small step at a time and mine are really baby steps right now but I will keep on walking and when I stumble and fall hope for the courage to get up and try again as I do for each of us. Suzanne

Kathy I only went to one support meeting in my area and it didn't work for me but I think if I could have found one in my area with people my age it maybe would have helped. The one I went to were people in their 70's plus and it was more or less a tea party rather than grief suppoort. They were all retired and I just didn't fit in. When I told them I still talked to my husband they looked at me as though I had totally lost it. I'm hampered with my work schedule to find one to meet the times I could go. I would give yours another try or go with your gut instinct and do the individual counseling. For me the people here on this forum is what has been my lifeline because we all "get it". Ones who have journeyed longer than I give me hope for a new beginning in the future and the ones in the same time frame as I hold the same feelings as I do at this point in the journey, thus making me feel less insane. For me I need people who have been there, not someone reading something out of a book on how you should feel. The new doctor I went to when my blood pressure went out the roof was young, had no clue and to sum it up, why don't I just prescribe drugs. I hope you will find the help that meets your needs, don't give up. And we are always here for you. Suzanne

Teny I'm with you my friend. I don't think anyone on here feels like celebrating but you are not alone. I will be thinking of you and hoping we all can survive the coming in of the new year and we will. Holding each other up, one step at a time. Suzanne

I felt I most post this poem tonight. May it bring some comfort to each of us as we approach the new year. I know each of us are suffering, may this help find some peace. Love to each of you. What though the radiance which was once so bright Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind; In the primal sympathy Which having been must ever be; In the soothing thoughts that spring Out of human suffering; In the faith that looks through death, In years that bring the philosophic mind. William Wordsworth The Compete Poetry of William Wordsworth Suzanne

Linda I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your dear son and his friend. Although I don't know the pain of losing a child, I am all too familiar with grief. I lost my husband in March and my Dad in August. You have a found a very caring and compassionate place to come when you do feel up to talking about it. It really helps to be around ones who understand the loss of ones we love so dearly. One day at a time is all we can do. But you do not walk alone. My thoughts are with you in this very painful time and again my sincerest sympathy. Suzanne

Gail So sorry you are having a bad day. I think several of us here are hosting a pity party lately and that's okay. We're allowed. I believe it is the holidays, cold weather, loneliness and that ever present heartache that we all feel. Maybe company will do you some good. Especially since it is some of Bruce's family. You could share some good memories together. Hope your day improves Suzanne

Wendy You echo my sentiments as well. It is as though after Christmas something inside of me just snapped and took me back to the beginning. Lately it seems like I am reliving those last moments he was alive with such intensity. Wishing I could of done something, anything. But we all know, we couldn't have changed it. I think a lot of mine is the New Year approaching. A year without my beloved Will. But I guess this too shall pass. It is just so painful. I am trying to look at it as someone here said, it's only a date on the calendar. Karen So sorry you are having such a hard time now. You are such a wonderful mother. Your son is so fortunate to have you to care for him. Maybe after we start the new year, things will improve for each of us. I hope so. Suzanne

Thank you everyone You are what keeps me going. I feel like no one understands except my friends here and the reality is they don't. They haven't been there, walked in our shoes. Until you have had the unfortunate experience "you don't get it". What a comfort it is to me to have such compassionate, caring people who are walking the same journey. Take hands and walk together my friends. Tonight is a bad night for me but I know I have each of you even in my dark, lonely pit and you will lift me out of it once again. My tears could fill a bucket tonight but I will empty it once again knowing I don't walk alone. Thank you Suzanne

Wendy I can't even imagine being with someone when you were so young. You grew up together. I was 28 when I met Will. At 20 I married for no particular reason other than I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Only lasted two months. Then I met my soulmate, the one meant for me that I had waited all of my life for and he fulfilled every part of me. Yet, I am so glad and blessed to have known that one true love. The one you will share forever with. Suzanne

Thanks Karen I needed a friend right now who understands. Putting on the mask during the holidays to everyone that everything is okay when it's not. I finally tired of that today and when asked "did you have a good Christmas" from someone who just returned to work today. No, but I survived it, got a blank stare as if I was some alien from another planet and I actually felt like I was in a different world than they were. And then the "Happy New Year" from those who won't be back until Wednesday. What are they thinking? Suzanne

I am losing my grip on this journey. I have gone into the cave of despair and I can't find my way out. It's dark, it's lonely, I'm losing this battle and right now I don't have the strength to try. I know I am not alone in this dark pit. Guess I'm having a pity party. I know many understand but for now, here is where I will remain, going in circles, until I can surface to catch my breath once again. Suzanne

Happy Birthday William. I think I got the right day this time but I could have sworn I saw your name in the birthdays earlier in the month. Susanne

Kim I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is the most difficult thing to go through I could ever have imagined. My heart goes out to you. I am just approaching 10 months so I am still realatively new in it. Try to be strong for your children as well as yourself. I keep reading from those that thave journeyed longer that it will get better. We need to hold on to that hope. One day at a time. Take care. Suzanne